16 year old has been blanking me for years, what should I do?

[Thesesleeplessnightsarethelong]

Would you tolerate your 16 year old DD completely blanking you?

I ask this of mum's. I'm a stepmum, we're not really given much slack on here, but hear me out.

16 year old DSD visits her dad and I under the agreement made by her parents when they split 10 years ago. Slightly under 50/50, five or six nights in every 14.

Mostly her and her dad spend 1 on 1 time together, while I do my own thing, but we occasionally have evenings together and we always sleeps under the same roof.

Unless I speak to her directly she doesn't speak to me AT ALL. When I do try to make conversation, it's usually through a closed door (to her bedroom) or on the rare occasion its face to face she doesn't make eye contact with me. I have tried everything over the years, she's always been a bit distant with me.

After another evening last night of this I'm a little bit at my wits end. Her dad has spoken to her about this, but doesn't want to push it as he doesn't want to upset her. I think he's teaching her that being rude is acceptable.

She has no special needs, is not autistic and has normal healthy relationships with lots of friends.

If this was your own daughter how would you handle this? I'm not her mum, she has a good mum, but even if I was a stranger, this sort of behaviour is not acceptable.

Suggest a shopping trip ,cinema ,dinner out ,just you and her ..try to do it regularly

I think having a step parent is always going to be difficult TBH.(I was a step child ) added to that teenagers generally can be rude and sulky as well doesnt make a good mix really.I got on well with my stepdad as I grew older but at 16 you still have hormones going full blast! Maybe see if she would like to come shopping with you and buy her frock (Dont overdo it though )or a lunch out .If shes not keen then dont push it .Just try gently from time to time .At least shes civil ! Many parents of teenagers would be quite envious !

It sounds tough OP. I think your DH needs to address this behavior, gently. Being civil isn't enough. I'd start with him asking if there is an issue he can help with because he's aware of how distant your relationship is. I wouldn't blame, I would say something along the lines of 'for all our sakes we need to improve the atmosphere in the house, is there anything we can do to that will make things easier'. It's become a habit, and because she's not outwardly rude its an easy one to let slide. The adults need to take responsibility to fix this.

However, you can try but you can't guarantee change. If your DH won't help, then you are rather stuck. Sad as it is you can only be nice back and hope she comes around as an adult.

I think you have a DH problem and he should have nipped this in the bud years ago. He has enabled this behaviour and has disrespected you by not dealing with it.

I agree that, as an adult, it was/is for you to compromise but there is no way I would've put up with this for so long.
I suspect it is far too late to sort out now.

Don’t bother. It is not your fault. She is weird and rude, there’s nothing you can do about it. You tried your best, it wasn’t good enough. Blank her and only communicate when it is absolutely necessary. I wouldn’t suck up to a sulky brat.
I can’t believe some people here try to give her credit and defend her. Children are not always right and have to be pulled up on bad behaviour.

I expect your OH knows this, and maybe agree with her reasons for some extent, hence doing nothing.

Wow. Just wow. Talk about plucking something out of your posterior!

I agree that the problem is that your DH should have been trying to sort this out when it was clear that it was ongoing. Yes, she doesn't have to love you or even like you, but it seems clear now that it isn't going to change. I'd leave it as is, carry on trying to initiate conversations etc, but don't take it so hard. If she's answering when spoken to, then it's not really being rude, it's being totally detached/disinterested for all the reasons PPs have given. It's not your fault, so don't beat yourself up about it OP.

I think it would be weird to suddenly demand that she is nicer to you. You need something in common to do together or talk about. Could you take part in their hobby sometimes, ask her to cook family meals with you, get her to help you plan a birthday activity for her dad? And then just chat about those things?

Why don't you have a 121 day with her, take her somewhere nice and just get to know her and her you...bridge the gap.

She is a young woman now, maybe you have more in common than you realise.

I also think it doesnt matter to a child ,whether you were the OW or not.To a little girl you are a female ,who has her Dad to herself while she isnt there 100% of the time .From a Childs point of view she probably harbours a fantasy of Mum and Dad getting back together ,and you are stopping this !(Obviously not true ,but from a childish viewpoint .) This is probably psychological ,and she may not even realise it herself .As she grows up she will mature and you may get closer in time .

Why don't you have a 121 day with her, take her somewhere nice and just get to know her and her you...bridge the gap

She is a young woman now, maybe you have more in common than you realise

Would you as a 16 year old step child who clearly intensely wants to avoid any kind of contact with a step mum and hasn't spoken to her for 10 years really in any universe go for a solo day out with the person you want to have absolutley nothing to do with.

Is it me or is this kind of suggestion totally odd and inappropriate?

How do you get on with her mum? I'd be disgusted if my DD treated her dads GF like that. She doesn't but I would certainly not allow it my end. Maybe you need to sit down with her and ask kindly if she has a problem with you and could you both work it out together. Please also be aware that she's at a difficult age and many teens are like that with their own parents and others they just have no idea what to say.

I wouldn’t tolerate anyone blanking me in my own house. Not my own child, not a step child, not a partner. No one. It is disgustingly disrespectful.

She didn’t chose you. She’s stuck with you. She doesn’t like you. I wouldn’t bother trying to build a relationship with her, as she has made it quite clear she’s not interested. Stop trying so hard to make her like you.

Bit late to try and change it now op. I’m shocked she still splits nearly 50/50 at 16.

Forget a one 2 one day she has no interest in you as a person or step mum. If she went it would be a forced trip with more one word answers. If your dh comes down hard now she will likely stop coming around. However much you say it’s her home she will feel like a visitor.

She didn’t pick you. You weren’t in her life since birth as a well that’s just my family. You where forced upon her. Just because she’s a child does not mean she has to like you, just like you don’t have to like work colleges. She is polite in the sense she answers questions when asked.

I have had one word answers about school, friends and holidays for years!
I get them now and my dc are 13 and 15. I barely see them as they sit in their rooms watching Friends etc.
I would try a very non confrontational activity together like cafe, cinema, Netflix or shopping.

How would you like, say, your MIL to move into your house, and you to be told that you have to be polite to her or leave?

But that's not what happened. OP and her DH bought a home together. The SD moved in with them.

I don't think that suddenly trying to do things together, going shopping etc is a good idea. To much to expect to move from 'barely speaking' to 'shopping buddies'.

I'm a SD on both sides, lived with both sets of parents. This stuff is hard and sometimes you just have to make the best of a bad job. Try not to stress over it.

20 years on after leaving home and I still have an arm's length relationship with 3 out of 4 parents. Some things can't be fixed, some things aren't worth fixing. Shit happens. If you can live with things as they are, then do so. Any efforts towards a closer relationship would have to come from her, I should think.

Would you as a 16 year old step child who clearly intensely wants to avoid any kind of contact with a step mum and hasn't spoken to her for 10 years really in any universe go for a solo day out with the person you want to have absolutley nothing to do with.

Is it me or is this kind of suggestion totally odd and inappropriate?

Well doing nothing clearly isn't working, so why not try building up some time together? What else do you suggest @coconuttelegraph? Continue to be ignored and uncomfortable in your own home for another 10 years?

I personally agree with trying to do some 1-2-1 stuff. Maybe not whole days to begin with, but you could start with little 20 minute things like making a meal together or painting each other's nails while you talk about the day and then build up to cinema trips, shopping days, a game of tennis or whatever hobbies she might like as time goes on.

If she doesn't want to open up to you first, try opening up to her or asking her opinion on little things to build up a new dynamic "I've got a big meeting coming up, what shall I wear?" "can I ask your opinion on situation xxx?" "Thanks for your advice the other day, it really helped" etc etc

Good luck @Thesesleeplessnightsarethelong. Hope things get better for you 💐

OP, you sound very reasonable.
You sound like you have been reasonable for years.

Your husband has allowed you to be treated badly by your step daughter for years, and she has seen clearly that he allows it.

There is no man alive that I would respect or could much less live with that would allow me to be treated like that for years in our home.

He's afraid of her and quite happy to stand by and allow it.
Shame on him. Weak little man.
He should have talked to her calmly years ago and explained that while he understood it was difficult for her, unnecessary rudeness was not the answer.

That's how a real man and partner behaves.

Yours is not nice. Not kind. He certainly doesn't care very much about your feelings in this.

Being the child of divorced parents is NOT easy and emotions can be complicated BUT that does not mean you should be treated like this and that her behaviour when she comes to your house her manner should be monosyllabic disdain.

I wouldn't allow my husband or his child treat me like that.

OP, I mean this kindly but you have taught them both that this is acceptable.

I'm sorry for you that you think this is behaviour you deserve.

Here’s the thing, even though you may be the loveliest person in the world, you are someone who has been forced on her. For a long time she had no real option other than to have you around. You don’t have to be with her Dad, you could decide to leave and have a life with a different person. But she had to visit her dad when she was little and there you were - being a stranger who is special to her dad, and who gets to be with him all the time. Which is pretty difficult for kids to understand sometimes. Even at 16 I think it’s hurts kids to know that other people have more of their parents time and attention than they do.

I agree that it’s this. I don’t think this will change for now, maybe when she becomes an adult and is mature enough to appreciate your perspective.

I don't actually think the daughters behaviour is that odd. OP should just get on with stuff and if SD wants to join in then that's dandy.
Not something to get annoyed about really.