16 year old has been blanking me for years, what should I do?

[Thesesleeplessnightsarethelong]

Would you tolerate your 16 year old DD completely blanking you?

I ask this of mum's. I'm a stepmum, we're not really given much slack on here, but hear me out.

16 year old DSD visits her dad and I under the agreement made by her parents when they split 10 years ago. Slightly under 50/50, five or six nights in every 14.

Mostly her and her dad spend 1 on 1 time together, while I do my own thing, but we occasionally have evenings together and we always sleeps under the same roof.

Unless I speak to her directly she doesn't speak to me AT ALL. When I do try to make conversation, it's usually through a closed door (to her bedroom) or on the rare occasion its face to face she doesn't make eye contact with me. I have tried everything over the years, she's always been a bit distant with me.

After another evening last night of this I'm a little bit at my wits end. Her dad has spoken to her about this, but doesn't want to push it as he doesn't want to upset her. I think he's teaching her that being rude is acceptable.

She has no special needs, is not autistic and has normal healthy relationships with lots of friends.

If this was your own daughter how would you handle this? I'm not her mum, she has a good mum, but even if I was a stranger, this sort of behaviour is not acceptable.

How long have you know her?

If this were my daughter and you my husband (so her step-dad) I would be having words.

I’m thinking poor child. Ten years as a guest in her father’s home. Ten years of her stepmother being disinterested. Ten years of being virtually ignored.
Did you go with her father to school shows and events?
Do you all do things together, as a family regularly? It feels like she doesn’t believe you have much in common and you have no interest in her.
Have you ever suggested doing something with her without her father? A film or coffee even?
I’m not sure it’s her who is rude. I think a host ignoring a visitor is pretty rude - and you are the adult. She probably thinks you are either not interested or even actively dislike her. I suspect step parents have to work a bit harder than birth parents at relationship building.
Try enjoying her company. Teenagers can be good fun.

Why do you want this too change?
Meant in the nicest way but she for whatever reason is giving off "I don't like you vibes" She doesn't have to like you.
I would keep yourself to the same distance she does until she tries to change it.
Acting friendly and suggesting activities might have worked when she was 6 but now it's just going to be try hard and will probably get a blank response.++

Does she have friends over to your house? Or is just time with Dad?
Maybe she needs to feel it's her house too and she's not just visiting. Can you organise something for DH between you, like a surprise for fathers day or his birthday? Can you 'win' a free pamper day for two or a pedicure or whatever and ask her to go with you? Finding common ground is hard. I hardly have anything in common with my DSS now but because I brought him up we have those shared memories and experiences. And I always get his fave food in when he's with us

I'd aim for small changes build up a more shared history. So, one night a week join in part of what they do. For example, if they watch a tv programme together come in halfway through with a treat she likes and stay for a bit. Nothing intrusive. If she likes a band, notice when they are touring and offer to book tickets. It's not the money she needs it's time and showing you're interested in her. Very gradually though, aim to develop a shared history because at the moment everything they do is creating a history where you are always excluded.

You know what, she's 16. Happy with her mum, with her dad. As much as you may not like it, maybe she doesn't "need" anything from you.

As long as she isn't rude (and I don't think she is being rude, tbh) I'd carry on as normal, being friendly, polite etc and one day she may come around.

but even if I was a stranger, this sort of behaviour is not acceptable. Yeah, I don't force my kids to speak to strangers

How does she behave with other adults in the family. If she’s fine then it’s some sort of difficulty with you. If she’s the same with them, then it’s her social skills.

Do you do things for her? Give her lifts anywhere? Get her a cheeky Macdonalds? See a nice bit of make up when your out and get that for her? My partner is a bit crap with my teens, I often wish he would try these things. Also, if I am telling them off for some reason, he looks to wade in to “back me up” I don’t need it and this damages the relationship.

BoomBoom's post resonates with me as an ex-stepdaughter. I was never rude (I don't think!), but however lovely my dad's wife was, I would simply have preferred for her not to exist. They lived in the house where I was born, but it was now her house and I was the visitor, and supposed to follow her rules. I was pissed off at that.
Decades later, we have got quite close after my divorce, and get on really well.

Maybe try asking her if there is anything you can do to make her feel more comfortable in her own home, and just let her know that you understand that she doesn't particularly want to have anything to do with some random woman her dad has got together with.

Can you take her out shopping on the pretext of having to choose a present for her dad or another girl of a similar age?

Tell her she'd be doing you a favour and you'd really appreciate it.

If she resists, your DH needs to step in and gently insist that she isn't so rude. Whilst you are out make conversation about non-emotive stuff - don't start trying to fix ten years of hostility but see if you can find some common ground. Perhaps there will be an opening where you can do the whole 'I am not trying to be your mum, but it would be nice if we could be friends' thing, but if not, just keep trying to engage her and being nice.

16 year olds can be rude but if she has been 'holding her ground' out of a kind of loyalty to her mum, she may not know how to break the cycle.

Not making eye contact whilst in normal conversation is generally considered rude in the western world. Rude behaviour in children (including teenagers) should be corrected.

Correcting means coercing. If someone I had no desire to engage with tried to coerce me, it wouldn't improve our relationship.

The same goes for all the various heart-to-heart conversations proposed by various posters. If it would give me the heebie-jeebies to talk to you about the weather, being forced into that level of emotional engagement would be like being punched in the face. The common theme in all those posts is that the step-mother has a right to be engaged with. But the step-daughter is not an adult who is there voluntarily, she is someone who has been forced into the same space as someone she has no desire to be with.

Your SD doesn't like you for whatever reason. It could be because of things you've done, or because of your personality, or both.I expect your OH knows this, and maybe agree with her reasons for some extent, hence doing nothing.

Or maybe she's just a spoilt brat who likes to control her father. He's too scared of her to speak up. He needs to grow a pair.

Maybe it really is better that way. You can't force someone to like you and what's the point o for hypocritical conversation?

Maybe she needs to be told she's either polite to OP in her own home or doesn't visit so often.

To everyone suggesting that the OP brings this girl for a day out and buys her stuff to "bond" do any of you think that DSD would actually go? She doesn't speak to the OP, the OP is trying to chat to her through a door, so what is the OP to do but drop into B&Q buy a door and carry it about the shops with DSD so they can chat through it?

OP you do not have a problem with your DSD the problem is your DH who has not got the balls to sit down with DD and her DM and ask her what is going on, and then work on the issue. He has tiptoed around this and left you to be excluded and treated like crap in your own home for half the week. I can bet that neither DH or DSD refuse you paying for anything extra like family holidays or treats and gifts yet they won't do the common curtsey of getting to the bottom of this, it has gone on long enough.

Does she have friends to visit? What about paternal grandparents? It would be interesting to see how she behaves when she has an audience.
It will be very difficult for you to fix this without sounding needy, you need those around you (her father, her friends, her family) to sort it.
I'm not convinced by all the advice to buy her affection and, effectively, do the Disney-Dad routine.

Maybe she needs to be told she's either polite to OP in her own home or doesn't visit so often.
This girl is in her own home. She's not visiting. How would you like, say, your MIL to move into your house, and you to be told that you have to be polite to her or leave?

Don't try and change her behaviour. Change yours first.

I'd try getting her to do something alongside me and chatter away about lighthearted stuff. I find Love Island to be an excellent topic for teens. What does she watch? I wouldn't expect anything much back, but see any small connection as a win.

If it was my child I would also have some honest conversations. Keep them short and avoid blame, but tell them you have regrets about how things have turned out.

I was a very shy teenager and if someone had tried to 'correct' my lack of eye contact, I'd have done everything I could to avoid that person in future. I'm sure that some people interpreted my shyness as rudeness when I was that age.

Similarly, asking about school would have got one-word answers because, rightly or wrongly, I hated how every adult thought that school was the thing to ask a teenager about. You need to find something you have in common - an activity, a TV show? Even if you don't do/watch it it together, it's an easy topic of conversation and one which doesn't reinforce a divide - 'you're a child so I'm going to ask you about child things like school' - which is what you need with a 16-year-old, regardless of the history between you.

Asking what we would do with our own daughters has got nothing to do with your step daughter. They are totally different situations, thinking about it like that isn't going to get you anywhere.

Suggesting a shopping day is a terrible idea imo, the girl doesn't want to engage with you, don't try to get her to spend prolonged 1 on 1 time with you, she's 16 years old.

Personally, and I do have some experience, I'd talk to her about neutral subjects as you would anyone else, whether she chooses to reply is up to her but easy non threatening chit chat might get you some kind of response

I wouldn't force any kind of scripted or heavy conversation, that's going to make things worse.

I doubt it's anything personal about you, keep it light and see what happens. It's been so long though that I wouldn't have any expectations.

@CherryPavlova

On the other hand step-mums are told to let father and child do things by themselves. Sp shouldn’t be involved.

It’s funny how mums can say something If a child is being rude to a sf but dad generally won’t the other way around

It sounds like maybe she just isnt comfortable to open up and be herself around you? That would be something her dad would need to get to the bottom of. How is she with other adults who arent close family? The fact it has been left so long makes it way more difficult now. Dont mention the eye contact, the minute you do it becomes an issue she maybe didnt even know, it becomes awkward and forced. Personally I would just try and involve yourself a little more I'm the activities she likes to do with dad.

I’m thinking poor child. Ten years as a guest in her father’s home. Ten years of her stepmother being disinterested. Ten years of being virtually ignored.

Wow, quite a lot of assumptions there. She's not a guest in her father's home, she's always made to feel like this is her home. Why do you assume I'm disinterested?? Why do you assume I've virtually ignored her? I've tried for almost 10 years to build some sort of bond with her, to be blanked at every single opportunity. That is kind of difficult to keep on doing.

Step mother bashers out in force here as always. Thanks to those who are supportive.

I suspect that this is so entrenched that it is hard to change. Teenagers can be irrational - they look like adults, they often think they are adults, but they are not adults. However, given you can't go back in time and have a family strategy for getting her to accept you, there needs to be a strategy now that is realistic Advisors doesn't drive her away from her Dad. You don't say anything about relations with her mother. In an ideal world you would be able to talk to her mother about it in a compassionate way that gets her onside with improving relations between you and, at the very least, teaching her about basic manners and the fact these apply to everyone (no exceptions).

that should just read 'and' not Advisors.

I get where you’re coming from OP. In fact what you wrote could apply to my situation apart from I have 4DSCs. The eldest three have flown the nest. The youngest is still at school. I have a good relationship with him but the other three either blanked me or told me what an awful person I was and they wished I’d die. My DH never told them this was unacceptable or backed me up (he tended to just distance himself in his shed until the next mealtime) and it was a very lonely time for me.

I was not the OW but I have a sneaky feeling that their DM implies I’m the reason their parents aren’t together.

My DSC are great kids - very talented, capable and bright kids. Their attitude to me has been very hurtful but I’ve had to step back from the older three for my own mental health. The youngest and I do lots of things together and the dynamic is completely different but he struggles with confusion when here with his older siblings. They interpret this as him being upset by me and my existence rather than any self-awareness of the impact their behaviour is having on him.

What I’ve come to realise is that I could be Mother Teresa and they would still treat me this way. I cannot make the older ones like me or even be civil to me. It is the way it is. If they were in trouble or needed my help I would give it. But I’ve stopped trying so hard with them. They have two parents. I am just someone who happens to live with their DF. If they are rude to me now I just move to another room and find an activity to do. I have the tidiest airing cupboard!

It depends if you are after some sort of "respect" or you want a genuine connection with her.

If you think about people you connect with in real life or who are friends with, you wouldn't be if they demanded they look at you/forced the relationship.

For whatever reason for 10 year she hasnt felt able to relax and open up around you. That is really quite sad. It may be she still feels awkward if the focus is mainly 1-1 time with her dad.

I think the way to approach it is what could make it easier for her to open up rather than punishment. Especially at 16 as she is nearly independent and that could drive her away.

My dads recently remarried. I tolerate the step mum, but it is hard and I'm an adult with adult skills, it is harder to navigate for a child. In my case (and they're all different so not at all the same for you, and we're adults) I was quite keen on her to begin with, and if Id met her independently I'd like her. She's actually fab with her friends and kids and brought my dad out of himself. However its v clear we "visit" whereas her kids come "home." All the subtle signals show shes uncomfortable with us and doesnt really want us there!