16 year old has been blanking me for years, what should I do?

[Thesesleeplessnightsarethelong]

Would you tolerate your 16 year old DD completely blanking you?

I ask this of mum's. I'm a stepmum, we're not really given much slack on here, but hear me out.

16 year old DSD visits her dad and I under the agreement made by her parents when they split 10 years ago. Slightly under 50/50, five or six nights in every 14.

Mostly her and her dad spend 1 on 1 time together, while I do my own thing, but we occasionally have evenings together and we always sleeps under the same roof.

Unless I speak to her directly she doesn't speak to me AT ALL. When I do try to make conversation, it's usually through a closed door (to her bedroom) or on the rare occasion its face to face she doesn't make eye contact with me. I have tried everything over the years, she's always been a bit distant with me.

After another evening last night of this I'm a little bit at my wits end. Her dad has spoken to her about this, but doesn't want to push it as he doesn't want to upset her. I think he's teaching her that being rude is acceptable.

She has no special needs, is not autistic and has normal healthy relationships with lots of friends.

If this was your own daughter how would you handle this? I'm not her mum, she has a good mum, but even if I was a stranger, this sort of behaviour is not acceptable.

What does your Dh think of how you actually feel. He sounds scared, scared to stand up to her, stand up for you. Or is it guilt, that he feels guilty for the split, so causing her the hurt.

Has he ever talked to her calmly about it?

The not making eye contact is the only thing that’s stands out here for me. She’s protecting her self. She’s not letting you in and there will be a reason for that.

Past issues you’ve had with her
Her mum bad mouthing you
You and her mum falling out
Her dad and her mum falling out concerning you.
Her feeling you stole him

There could be a million reasons why she is hiding from you. It doesn’t automatically means she disrespects you.

Please don’t force her to look at you when your talking to her. It’s here body and she can place her gaze where she wants to if it makes her feel more secure.

I have a niece who is like this. I joined the family when she was eight. Her dad and mum split up as he was cheating. I always got the feeling I wasn’t worth getting to know as I was permanent. She was very with drawn with me but would climb all over dh. I just used to keep to polite chit chat and get answered with one word so I never used to push it.

I can understand your frustration but this girl clearly has a lot going on in her head.

@differentnameforthis
Forcing eye contact can be painful for some. There is actually no need for eye contact during conversation.

The OP has specifically said that there are no special needs and she communicates well with others. It is behaviour targeted at the OP so it is unlikely that eye contact is painful when she can manage it and with others.

I respectfully disagree regarding the need for eye contact during a conversation. Speech is only a small part of communication. Humans communicate with their faces as well as their voices. Discourse is not limited to words. Body language is a form of communication.

What do you communicate to someone when you do not look at them during an interaction? Would you hire someone who wouldn’t look you in the eyes during an interview? What impression would it give you of them?

We are talking about a teenager and her stepmother. Realistically, the teenager is probably experiencing some emotional issues that make it difficult for her to connect with her step mother. That is not something that is easily resolved. However, basic manners will help the situation. Manners are there to help us through uncomfortable situations. You hit your marks, you say your lines and every walks away relieved it’s is over with no hurt feelings.

Just because you want to be looked at doesn’t mean she has too.

Sounds like the DH is afraid that if he stands up to his daughter she will refuse to see her dad.

He is the starting point. I would be pointing that that it has gone on long enough and either she is polite and contributes to family days/discussions politely or you will withdraw yourself from the dynamic entirely and he is risking his relationship as 50% of the time you will not be engaging with either of them. Why waste your time and engaging when it hasn't worked in years and he is colluding in it.

There's no easy answer here. She is allowed to feel how she feels (especially at 16) and you are allowed to feel how you feel.

You can't compare it to a parent-child, because she doesn't see you that way. You don't have that bond.

Since she's 16, I would leave her time to her dad. Make yourself busy when she's around.

Come on! This behaviour is so fucking rude. Yes she’s a stroppy teenager but no that doesn’t mean she can behave however she likes. OP you have been around for 10 years and she needs to show some respect, just like anyone should for any other person on the planet - but especially because you are her stepmother and part of her family.

Your husband needs to talk to her. Probably her mother has been spinning all sorts of yarns and it’s ingrained from childhood but either way this can’t continue and I’m shocked it has for a decade. I had a horrible stepmother but I still had to be polite to her because that’s just how one behaves!

She is allowed to feel how she feels

She can FEEL how she likes but she needs to behave appropriately. Refusing to make eye contact when she does with everyone else is unacceptable.

Lots of PPs saying DSD doesn’t have to like her as she had no choice in her SM entering her life. Does this mean she gets to choose her teachers at school, her parents’ friends etc? There are so many people in my life that I’ve had no say over them being there. Doesn’t mean I am rude to them, especially in their homes.

I do think SMs get a harder ride than SFs but when we meet a man with DCs and fall in love with him, we accept he has DCs, do our best to build a home for everyone- and don’t ever expect these problems. I guess the idea that all SMS are wicked is too ingrained in our society to change.

You said most of the time it's them 1 on 1 occasionally you spend the evening together I believe this is the problem maybe she feels you haven't made much effort or maybe she feels you don't talk to her? You should try bonding with her a little bit explain to her you want a relationship with her please can we so some time together?

@machinebee

Exactly as you say - it’s not acceptable in polite society (aka the one most of us do and would like to live in) to just decide you dislike someone and can therefore be unpleasant and rude towards them. I just don’t understand how this has happened from the age of 6!

Or maybe mothers generally make more of an effort to blend stepfathers into the family?

Or mothers would generally deal with this situation by talking to their kids rather than stick their head in the sand like many fathers ?

My kids have teachers and other pupils that they aren't keen on and I would expect them to be polite. In this case Dad hasn't spoken to dsd so presumably finds her behaviour acceptable even though it doesn't to me as an outsider.

Yes my step daughter. I'm emotionally detached now. Very very hard, soul destroying and not caused by my husband in any way, he tries so hard to change it and parent it. I

Who is saying anything about wicked stepmothers? Just because you don't want to talk to someone doesn't mean you think they are horrible.

A couple of ex-sc on here have said that they felt annoyed about their step-parent's presence for various reasons despite knowing that person was absolutely fine. Others are saying that they had similar situations in mother/daughter relationships.

And no-one is saying that OP is being horrible by trying to get her sd to talk to her; people are politely suggesting that it might not work, or backfire, no more.

No-one is being horrible about step-parents. Just agreeing that having non-blood-relatives in the house can be difficult for eveyone involved. Teachers and friends' parents don't just appear dressed in a bathrobe at your breakfast table in the morning, or knock on your bedroom door just when you're picking a spot or doing some other private teenage business.

She simply hates you and sees you as the only reason her parents spilt up, even if you weren’t on the scene when it all happened.
You just have to live with it. The hate of a woman for another woman never goes away.
Sorry, it sounds like a awful way to live but hopefully you’ll only have a couple of years left of this then she probably won’t bother coming to your house again.

It was never my home it was always mums and her dhs home or my dad's home. It was always you are at my house tonight. Never our house. That spoke volumes to me as a person and my value

If it helps, It was exactly the same for me and my sisters. My parents are not divorced.

She simply hates you and sees you as the only reason her parents spilt up, even if you weren’t on the scene when it all happened
I knew that my sm was not the reason for my parents' divorce. I knew that my parents' divorce was a good thing, as they were totally unsuited for one another. I knew my sm was a nice person who was trying to be friendly to me. But I still didn't want to share my private home with someone I wasn't related to.

I actually rarely agree with step mothers on this board (not because I have an issue with step mothers in general but because often , albeit not in all cases, they are bemoaning not being the person to come first ) in this case though I think you are right.

I agree with the following: everyone has a right to feel how they feel, she doesnt have to like you and she is totally entitled to be angry that her parents have split.

However basic common courtesy to all humans is a requirement in our house. Its irrelevant whether it's to me as the mother , DP as the adult Male , to the youngest or the oldest. It's about a base level of courtesy.

I wouldn't insist she spends one on one time with you etc , she doesnt have to lole you, she should have to treat you with the same level of respect she treats anyone. I wont tolerate my DC not responding to questions , making eye contact (with one exception ds1 is ASD and struggles with this but has to at least turn and face the person speaking even if he can't meet their eyes and that's fine).

For me its wider than just how she treats you. Manners get people everywhere. To behave in a socially acceptable way is a life skill that will genuinely support their growth as people. That starts at home.

Whilst I'm the resident parent and DP is not the DC father , they are still required to be polite and respond to discussions. (Actually in my house they need reminding it when dealing with me as unfairly sue they like DP more actually it's because I am mum and they forget I'm a human and not actually there to fulfil every whim they have, so if they non engage it's more likely to be to me)

I actually think I'd discuss with her father that he is teaching her that she doesnt have to behave in a way that will affect her ability in the outside world as well.

Common courtesy and manners are surprisingly powerful. It's a skill she needs to use in every situation.

@shinyletsbebadguys

Great post

Polite society? Ffs!

How about we stop forcing kids to squash how they feel so adults don’t feel put out or unliked.

This isn’t a new situation for the OP. It’s always been like this. However now the child is getting older OP is wanting her to force herself in to a relationship she doesn’t want.

She can barely look at her or continue conversation so ^forcing* her is only going to make the situation strained. Her father can probably already see that.

You have two options -

Leave or leave her be.

As an adult you wouldn’t be expected to be friends with some one you either didn’t yet some of you are demanding that this child does it.

It makes you wonder if it’s just ego tbh.

As a couple of peope have suggested, I would suspect that she thinks she is doing the very bare minimum by answering monosyllabically. It's been accepted for so long that she thinks it's enough.
I would personally probably go about it as "I think I understand why you feel this way but ..." and then discuss what "we" can do to improve "the atmosphere" - and leave it up to her dad, if anyone, to say "This is just not on, think about other people, don't be selfish" etc.