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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About baby's surname

158 replies

Rosebel · 25/02/2020 21:33

When I had my first daughter me and my partner (now husband) hadn't been together long so we agreed to give her my surname. When we had our second we also gave her my surname. Since then we've got married but I haven't changed my surname, mainly because if I go back to my career as I hope to it'll be difficult if I have a different surname.
Now I'm pregnant with our son my husband wants him to have his surname but I'm not keen. It would be easier if my husband changed his name to mine and then we'd all have the same surname.I hate the idea of our son having a different name to his sisters.
My husband and interfering MIL keep saying he should have my husband's name to carry on the family name although as I pointed out there are other make relatives with that name so it won't did out.
Today MIL said she'll be so disappointed if the baby doesn't get my husband's name and I said I'll be disappointed if he does.
Isn't it easier if all the children have the same surname? Am I unreasonable to think it's fuck all to do with MIL what the baby's called?

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 25/02/2020 21:38

Can you double barrow the name.

Or give ds dh’s surname as a middle name?

Ie. DS ‘husband name’ ‘rosobel’

MaryShelley1818 · 25/02/2020 21:42

You have your name represented so I can totally understand why your DH would like his to be too. The easiest thing by far would be to all have the same name but if you're both unwilling to back down them a double barrel seems like the only fair option.
I would never ever have had my DS have a different name to me.

Dahlietta · 25/02/2020 21:43

There's something very depressing about him not caring what his daughters are called, but wanting desperately to claim his son.

WinterCat · 25/02/2020 21:44

I would double barrel as a compromise.

YANBU that it has nothing to do with your MIL.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/02/2020 21:45

Nope. Keep him the same as his sisters
If dh is bothered he can change his name

PonderTweek · 25/02/2020 21:47

Dahlietta, that's what I thought too.

My sister-in-law's husband took her name because she already had a child, and he wanted any future children to have the same surname. I thought it was quite nice. Maybe suggest the double barrel option if he's not backing down?

user1473878824 · 25/02/2020 21:47

@Dahlietta Talk about a reach, where does she say he didn’t care?

boats · 25/02/2020 21:51

The logical solution is obviously for your husband to change his name. I'd ask him directly why he doesn't want to do this, and watch him squirm as he tries not to let it sound as sexist as it clearly is. "Carry on the family name" give me a break!

Toooldhmm · 25/02/2020 21:52

You’re not being unreasonable. They’re stuck in the past. Your DH should either change his name or give his surname as a middle name.

NoveltyFunsy · 25/02/2020 21:53

@Dahlietta
There's something very depressing about him not caring what his daughters are called, but wanting desperately to claim his son.

I agree, why is it important that his son has his name, when it wasnt as important for his first 2 dc, which happen to be female

TabbyMumz · 25/02/2020 21:54

"@DahliettaTalk about a reach, where does she say he didn’t care?"
Well he is making a fuss about his sons name, but didnt about his daughters!!

kierenthecommunity · 25/02/2020 21:55

Unless your DH is an earl and his DM a dowager countess, the only suitable response to ‘carrying on the family name’ is ‘my arse’ surely?

CalleighDoodle · 25/02/2020 21:56

He needs to really think about why he wont change his name.

Blackandgreenteas · 25/02/2020 21:57

There's something very depressing about him not caring what his daughters are called, but wanting desperately to claim his son.

^^
This is what I thought too! Why was it ok for the daughters and not his son

Original poster
Rosebel · 25/02/2020 21:58

Double barrel might work although I know my husband's not keen on that either. He wants our son to have his family name so it carries on and if we double barrel it it won't be his surname iyswim.
I don't think he doesn't care about our daughter's it's more that he thinks a son will keep the family name going (which is silly because they're are other males anyway).
I might suggest double barreling our names again though as it seems like the fairest compromise

OP posts:
Verily1 · 25/02/2020 21:59

Say no- best for siblings to have the same name

FizzyGreenWater · 25/02/2020 21:59

How about your DH does what THOUSANDS of women do every year and change his name to what is now the family name?

Is that really totally unacceptable to him? If so, why?

If he doesn't want to change his name he keeps his surname and he has a different one to his children - again, just like thousands of women.

Can't see the issue, except for (obviously) the AWFUL possibility of a man not taking precedence for once.

MIL - not important.

You want your children to all have the same surname, you do that.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/02/2020 22:00

mind you - I would be careful to make sure he doesn't register without you, which he can do if you are married.

KellyHall · 25/02/2020 22:02

I'd be mightily fucked off that my dh would think my name was good enough for daughters but not sons! So many questions!

What if your daughters are transsexual and grow up to be men?

What if your ds grows up to be a woman?

What's his reasoning behind wanting different names now, but not before?

Why don't you want to take your husband's name and all have the same surname?

Is it really such a big deal for professionals to change their names?

FlutteringFeathers · 25/02/2020 22:04

I don’t understand your reasoning for why he doesn’t care if he shares his name with his daughters but is desperate to share his name with his son. That’s by the by. The real question to ask him is how does he explain that to his daughters?

KellyHall · 25/02/2020 22:04

Who is to say his son won't take his future wife's surname anyway?

Carrying on the family name sounds like MIL speak to me!

FizzyGreenWater · 25/02/2020 22:04

Really sexist that he is only bothered about your son's surname.

I actually say no to double barrelling. Your children have their name.

If the reason is 'carrying on the family name' - well for a start, that's bollocks as although it's his PARENTS' family name, it isn't you and his family name, is it? If there is a 'family name' which applies to your family that you and he have made - well the closest thing to that is your surname as that's the one almost all of your nuclear family use. If there is a discussion to be had about whether a family name is important, the first part of that discussion should be when is he going to change to carry the same name as his daughters, if they are more important to him than MIL, FIL etc?

And if 'carrying on the name' is the reason, well it doesn't matter, as (as you say) that name will carry on with other family members. No need to feel sorry for the poor name.

LovingLola · 25/02/2020 22:05

He’s a bastard. Can’t fathom why you are still with him.

Thehop · 25/02/2020 22:06

You can’t let them have different surnames! They’ll feel like favourites were chosen surely? Can’t your husband change his?

Butchyrestingface · 25/02/2020 22:07

There's something very depressing about him not caring what his daughters are called, but wanting desperately to claim his son.

Only the best for daddy’s little prince. Sad

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