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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About baby's surname

158 replies

Rosebel · 25/02/2020 21:33

When I had my first daughter me and my partner (now husband) hadn't been together long so we agreed to give her my surname. When we had our second we also gave her my surname. Since then we've got married but I haven't changed my surname, mainly because if I go back to my career as I hope to it'll be difficult if I have a different surname.
Now I'm pregnant with our son my husband wants him to have his surname but I'm not keen. It would be easier if my husband changed his name to mine and then we'd all have the same surname.I hate the idea of our son having a different name to his sisters.
My husband and interfering MIL keep saying he should have my husband's name to carry on the family name although as I pointed out there are other make relatives with that name so it won't did out.
Today MIL said she'll be so disappointed if the baby doesn't get my husband's name and I said I'll be disappointed if he does.
Isn't it easier if all the children have the same surname? Am I unreasonable to think it's fuck all to do with MIL what the baby's called?

OP posts:
cochineal7 · 26/02/2020 08:01

I find it a bit ironic he thinks only males keep the family name going while you - his wife- and daughters are the prime example of the opposite.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/02/2020 08:03

He needs to change his surname to yours Hmm why’s this ok to say about a man but not a woman

PicsInRed · 26/02/2020 08:15

Because two of the kids already have her surname and he's whinging about it at a very late stage in the family.

Same answer would be given to a woman.
"Too late now, mate".

daisypond · 26/02/2020 08:24

why’s this ok to say about a man but not a woman
Eh? Because three of the four of them already have that surname. He’s the only one that doesn’t. If they all want the same surname, he changes his name. New baby gets the name too. He was perfectly OK for his other children to have the surname.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/02/2020 08:27

She cant tell him to take her surname, she can ask and explain the logic!

Nowayorhighway · 26/02/2020 08:31

It’s such an antiquated belief that only males can ‘keep a family name going’, I also never understood why this is so important anyway. I kept my own surname when I married so my DC have a double barrelled name, my surname hasn’t died out with my children because they do have it and use it as their primary surname.

I think your DH is being rather silly, it makes no sense to have one child with a different surname just to massage his ego.

TwoBlueFish · 26/02/2020 08:35

I did the same as you, both my son’s have my surname and I also kept my surname when we married (kids both born before we married). However my husband had no real connection to his name (was his step dads surname) and no family. I have a larger family who I feel very connected to.

I’d add your DH’s surname as a middle name and give DS your surname as well to make it consistent. Other option is that you choose a new surname for all of you and you all change to use that (my brother & sister in law did this).

Chamomileteaplease · 26/02/2020 08:41

Don't let the "family name dying out" thing become an issue if there are other male children in the family! It's irrelevant.

jonesss · 26/02/2020 09:09

I think there are only two options, son has your name the same as his siblings or all the children go double barrel. There's nothing wrong with you keeping your name for professional reasons, plenty of women do it. This whole keeping on the name is a load of rubbish too, what if you'd of had another girl, MIL and DH would of been disappointed and demanded a boy to get a chance to pass on the name?

AnotherEmma · 26/02/2020 09:15

YANBU
DC3 should have the same surname as his mother and older siblings.
If DH wants to have the same surname as everyone else, he can change his (not that he will, of course!)
Why on earth should THREE people change their names (OP and DDs) when ONE person could change theirs?!

And you are right it has fuck all to do with MIL.
She and DH are being unreasonable and sexist.

user1499489886 · 26/02/2020 09:28

As you had children before you were married you are supposed to re-register their births, which may give you an opportunity to change the girls surnames if you wanted to. www.gov.uk/government/publications/application-to-re-register-a-childs-birth-following-marriage-of-natural-parents

HoHoHolly · 26/02/2020 09:42

Firstly it's actually quite refreshing that the girls got your name in the first place. It may be the official default but it still doesn't happen often enough.

Whether he changes his name is not up to OP. He can't be made to change his any more than she can. And it's horrible to just give him the choice "change your name to ours or have a different name to us all" - the same choice that women are often faced, with but that doesn't make it right.

I've always liked the system that the mother's name goes down the girls' line and the father's down the boys'. The downside is siblings have different surnames but IMO that's no biggie in the grand scheme of things. Maybe give them all Hername Hisname officially but actually use Hername for the girls and Hisname for the boy day to day. If questioned they can say actually we do all share the same name, but my family just likes to keep both names going without the faff of double barrelling.

Btw loads of women have separate names professionally and privately, especially doctors. Is it really about that, or is it a more visceral wanting to keep your own name and your daughters' as is? It's fine if so, but clarify what's really important to you.

Bibidy · 26/02/2020 11:14

If I were you I'd double-barrel all kids. Then you both get to keep your names the same and the kids are named after both of you.

That should be good enough for your OH, and if it's not then he's being completely unreasonable.

Original poster
Rosebel · 26/02/2020 12:05

Double barrel will still be an issue because it's not his name. When our daughters were born we discussed and agreed they'd have my name. I didn't insist or bully him in to it.
I just think it's stupid for the children to have different names. My daughters have never expressed a desire to have their dad's name but I can see it causing issues if their brother has a different name.
Keeping the family name going is silly. Both of us have male relatives so both names will survive (for now) anyway.
I know my husbands grandmother wasn't happy about our daughters having my surname and my husband said it didn't matter but he can't give me a reason why it matters now. He just thinks me and the girls should all change our names. However if we'd had another girl he admits he wouldn't have minded her having my surname.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 26/02/2020 13:07

Sexist idiot

stophuggingme · 26/02/2020 13:16

My three children all have the same biological father
Our eldest son and our daughter have his surname but I left him before our third child and second son was born.
As we were not married I give him my surname.

Everyone who matters knows why including school, nursery, doctors, friends and family and their friends.

His family cannot stand it and clearly neither can he. Tough.

IIWY I would either double barrel or just use my maiden name.
The carrying the name thing is really archaic and rather misogynistic IMO

DobbyLovesSocks · 26/02/2020 13:18

Until DH can give you a valid, reasoned reason why DS should have his surname then DS has yours like his siblings. If DH wants the same surname he can apply for a deed poll to change his surname.

MIL's thoughts/opinions are entirely irrelevant and not necessary to comment upon other than, 'this is our business and your opinion is not necessary'

stophuggingme · 26/02/2020 13:18

Jesus I’ve just read his comment on your last post.

Is he so sexist in other matters? This would make me dig my heels in

GaraMedouar · 26/02/2020 13:52

Baby with your surname , with DH surname as middle name.

Original poster
Rosebel · 26/02/2020 14:04

He wants the baby to have his dad's name as a middle name (because his father died a while ago) and I agreed, he also picked his first name from a list we'd agreed so don't think I'm incapable of compromise but my husband seems to want everything on his terms.
I know he thinks I'm being unreasonably stubborn and just said we'll change the girls surnames too but I think that's not the point as he didn't care what their surnames were before.
I asked him if he liked living in the 1800s when we spoke earlier and he just got in a huff.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 26/02/2020 14:11

my husband seems to want everything on his terms.

Yes, that's because it's clear from your other posts that he's an appalling misogynist.

You have two daughters, so do them and their dad's relationship with them a HUGE favour right now and tell him the surname isn't changing, and to think through his misogyny and sort his head out before he messes up the ole parenting thing big time.

GaraMedouar · 26/02/2020 14:25

Ok - well baby has 2 middle names - your DH fathers name and surname as middle names. (Plus your surname same as the girls).

Sceptre86 · 26/02/2020 14:25

His concerns are not silly. He wants his family name to continue through him and your son not his other family members. That really isn't the same thing. However, I agree that it is a shame the same thought wasn't given to your daughter's surname as not all girls get married and change their name. I would double barrell if not maybe you could allow him to have this as your daughter has your name? That being said I would want all my kids to have the same surname for simplicity.

MondeoFan · 26/02/2020 14:26

@Musmerian no because just should.

MondeoFan · 26/02/2020 14:27

@NoveltyFunsy neither.