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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About baby's surname

158 replies

Rosebel · 25/02/2020 21:33

When I had my first daughter me and my partner (now husband) hadn't been together long so we agreed to give her my surname. When we had our second we also gave her my surname. Since then we've got married but I haven't changed my surname, mainly because if I go back to my career as I hope to it'll be difficult if I have a different surname.
Now I'm pregnant with our son my husband wants him to have his surname but I'm not keen. It would be easier if my husband changed his name to mine and then we'd all have the same surname.I hate the idea of our son having a different name to his sisters.
My husband and interfering MIL keep saying he should have my husband's name to carry on the family name although as I pointed out there are other make relatives with that name so it won't did out.
Today MIL said she'll be so disappointed if the baby doesn't get my husband's name and I said I'll be disappointed if he does.
Isn't it easier if all the children have the same surname? Am I unreasonable to think it's fuck all to do with MIL what the baby's called?

OP posts:
Kit19 · 27/02/2020 07:26

As PP its the underlying issue of the girls not being as important as a son. They’re 11 & 13 and they have to change their name? What else doesbt he think is that important for girls? Education? A career? I mean they’ll only get married after all 🙄🙄🙄 it’s not standard misogyny

Kit19 · 27/02/2020 07:26

Bog standard

JavaQ · 27/02/2020 07:28

And if his son is gay???

JavaQ · 27/02/2020 07:30

Icelandic naming methods??
( trying to be constructive)

Yep. Girls don't matter. Fuck it. LTB! 😁

TheVanguardSix · 27/02/2020 07:32

I don't know. I know a few people who have done this, OP and honestly, a name's a name. Sorry. But I don't think any of us can be that attached to our names. They aren't nearly as big an identity as we think they are.
I'd just let your DS take DH's name and crack on with life.

My DS1 has my name. My then DH was ok with this.
I remarried years later and my other two kids have DH's name.
It's just never been an issue. Never.
DH's colleague's DS has dad's name. DD has her mum's name. I don't think they give it any thought.
I wouldn't get the bends over this, tbh.

REignbow · 27/02/2020 07:33

I agree with everyone else, that all your DC should share the same surname.

Your MIL, needs to keep her beak out of it, as l think that this is why he’s said this (she’s stirring).

TheVanguardSix · 27/02/2020 07:37

oh wow. Just read your updates.
So now he wants to change your DD's names back? What an asswipe.
Of course, they have a say. On this, I would fight my corner 'til blood's drawn. I am a believer that a name is just a name. But because your DDs do not want to change their surname, he cannot impose this. If they were all up for changing to dad's name, then you'd go ahead. But they're clearly not.
What an aggravating little minefield your H is dragging you into. What the fuck's wrong with men sometimes?

ShriekingBansheela · 27/02/2020 07:41

Our girls are 11 and 13 and don't want to change their names but my husband said it's not up to them
Shock

But I don't think any of us can be that attached to our names. They aren't nearly as big an identity as we think they are

Tell that to the OP’s DH ! Your approach is how women are supposed to view names, the OP’s DH’s behaviour / expectation reflects how many men view names. ‘My child, my name, I have a right to have my name passed on, my name is mine for life, a woman’s is her father’s or her husband’s “

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/02/2020 07:47

So now he wants to change your DD's names back?

He doesn't even want them to change their names back to anything - he wants them to have whole new names. Different names to OP.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 27/02/2020 07:56

But if I was having a girl he'd be happy for her to have my surname. It's as if he's favouring our baby because he's a boy. you're just saying that because of what other posters have said so you're jumping on the bandwagon to get more people to take your side.

I don't think he doesn't care about our daughter's it's more that he thinks a son will keep the family name going (which is silly because they're are other males anyway to quote you on page one.

Bluewater1 · 27/02/2020 08:00

No YANBU, surely the children would all want the same surname as each other. This has become your family name. DH should change his name imo

Bluewater1 · 27/02/2020 08:06

And your girls should absolutely choose whether they do or don't want their name changed. It's their name!

Original poster
Rosebel · 27/02/2020 11:44

I'm not just saying anything. He would be fine with another daughter having my name. I don't need to exaggerate and the fact you think I am says more about you than me.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 27/02/2020 11:46

He values sons more than daughters.

PointlessAddict · 27/02/2020 12:01

He values sons more than daughters

Yes, he does. Just the same as the seemingly endless women on the ridiculous and self indulgent so called “gender disappointment” threads value daughters over sons. Sad either way.

OP your husband is an arse. The baby should just have your name same as his sisters. And his stupid mother can wind her neck in as well. Presumably it’s only her name anyway because she took it on marriage.

MulticolourMophead · 27/02/2020 12:32

OP, I think the baby should have the same name as his sisters. Your name.

And your DDs have every right to not want to change their names. I think you'd need to have the consent of each parent with PR anyway.

Original poster
Rosebel · 27/02/2020 12:33

I find it a bit strange that MIL is worrying about the name as your right, she only took it on marriage. I was a bit surprised she said anything or thinks it's any of her business.

OP posts:
ShesCurly · 27/02/2020 12:55

He would rather you, your first daughter and your second daughter changed the last names you have all had for your entire lives, than change his own last name and start his sons life with your last name.

It's ridiculous really and I would feel really disappointed in him pushing this.

If he wants to all have the same last name then there is a very simple solution than has no impact on anyone but him.

You and your daughters would keep your existing names and your son to be would have the same one from the start.

How depressing this way of doing things still seen as such a big deal when women are still expected to change their name 99% of the time, sorry OP.

antisupermum · 27/02/2020 15:38

I think the fact you have tried to discuss this rationally with him, and he has stated clearly that if it was another girl he wouldn't care tells you everything you need to know. It's not about him being reasonable or fair, its about him demanding something and simply expecting you to agree with him. Therefore, I would just be stating categorically that the child will be having your name, the same name as his sisters, the family name, and that there is Sweet FA he can do about it. You do not need him present to register the birth as you are married. So, I would tell him advance what you are doing and I would take myself, and only myself, down to the town hall after the birth and get it done.

He clearly doesnt believe in equal rights so why should you?

CalleighDoodle · 27/02/2020 16:29

He is showing his true colours.

I would be tempted to say you will only consider name changes if everyone changes their name, including him, so you all pick a new family name.

CalleighDoodle · 27/02/2020 16:29

... and obviously he goes first...

partofthepeanutgallery · 27/02/2020 17:04

If he wants to share a surname with his son, tell him he can change his own surname. To yours.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 27/02/2020 18:00

Tbh I'd double barrel all the kids names like I have with my children but that's because I wouldn't marry/if for some reason I did I'd never change my name because....it's my name Grin

FizzyGreenWater · 27/02/2020 18:13

but we can't agree.

You don't need to agree though - honestly I would be so absolutely raging at the very obvious fact that he values a son more than a daughter that I would at this point be seriously thinking about walking out with MY baby bump and only letting him know about the birth of your son when he's safely here and NAMED. With the same name his sisters have!

Really think about this - it's the fact that he would not care if it were another daughter (so it's not as if he's had a full on change of heart or it's because you're now married etc.) It's plainly just that a son is MORE IMPORTANT. I could not live with that. I would now be really really anxious that he would treat this child differently to the others and I think I'd really consider whether it's going to be ok.

My first and most important red line here would be that your son will, WILL have the same name as his sisters because if this behaviour is anything to go by you're sure as hell not going to start off by marking this baby out as different, in his camp instead of ^yours' - and potentially feeding into this 'sons are better' mindset.

If this baby having only your name goes some way towards making him not super special in your DH's eyes I'd do it in a shot.

Real eye opener.

PleaseGiveMeAShake · 27/02/2020 18:20

Just go and register the baby yourself.
You can reason with someone who is being unreasonable.
He has picked the first name.
He has picked the middle name.
He wants to pick the last name too.

Are you just the facilitator for dh receiving his messiah son?

I would not let one child be the favourite and would keep them all the same.