Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About baby's surname

158 replies

Rosebel · 25/02/2020 21:33

When I had my first daughter me and my partner (now husband) hadn't been together long so we agreed to give her my surname. When we had our second we also gave her my surname. Since then we've got married but I haven't changed my surname, mainly because if I go back to my career as I hope to it'll be difficult if I have a different surname.
Now I'm pregnant with our son my husband wants him to have his surname but I'm not keen. It would be easier if my husband changed his name to mine and then we'd all have the same surname.I hate the idea of our son having a different name to his sisters.
My husband and interfering MIL keep saying he should have my husband's name to carry on the family name although as I pointed out there are other make relatives with that name so it won't did out.
Today MIL said she'll be so disappointed if the baby doesn't get my husband's name and I said I'll be disappointed if he does.
Isn't it easier if all the children have the same surname? Am I unreasonable to think it's fuck all to do with MIL what the baby's called?

OP posts:
TaniaArse · 26/02/2020 17:20

@electrical

Tania can you try to articulate why the newest kid should have the mans name? When everyone else has a different name?

Well not everyone does have the same name. If the parents can't agree on a shared family name it seems unreasonable for one partner to "claim" the kids for their own.

Original poster
Rosebel · 26/02/2020 17:28

But if I was having a girl he'd be happy for her to have my surname. It's as if he's favouring our baby because he's a boy.

OP posts:
BedraggledBlitz · 26/02/2020 17:31

I would want my son to have the same surname as his siblings. The continuing name thing is outdated. Loads of women pass on their maiden name to children now - just like you did.

MrsAgassi · 26/02/2020 17:47

My BIL is gay. He married last summer and took his now husband's surname. You might like to remind your husband that it’s 2020.

So depressing that he feels the way he does.

partofthepeanutgallery · 26/02/2020 17:57

I'd keep them all the same.

And I would be very clear with MIL that this conversation was none of her business and her opinion is unwelcome and irrelevant.

partofthepeanutgallery · 26/02/2020 17:58

And it is concerning that he's only advocating for his future 'son' to have his name and isn't fussed about the girls' having it. How's that going to play out in other areas of life ... concerning.

opticaldelusion · 26/02/2020 18:01

Stuff comes home from school saying 'FAMILY NAME'. We have four in our household Grin

Jiggles101 · 26/02/2020 18:20

Traditionally children have the same name as their mother. When women change their name on marriage the mothers name and the fathers name are the same, but the children are still given the mothers name and not the fathers.

You didn't change your name on marriage (rightfully so imo) so the kids all get your name. Regardless of sex.

Musmerian · 26/02/2020 18:33

@MondeoFan - oh excellent - a rational and reasoned response. So persuasive. It’s the 21st century you know so there’s no should about it. It’s particularly irritating given that he’s only bothered now the baby is a boy. Do you generally just make assertions without attempting any reasoning?

JennysTailor · 26/02/2020 18:48

YANBU. He is favouring your son because he is a boy. This behaviour will get worse when the baby is born too I expect.

JennysTailor · 26/02/2020 18:48

I'd be really hurt and disappointed with him tbh OP. And pissed off.

LovingLola · 26/02/2020 18:52

But if I was having a girl he'd be happy for her to have my surname. It's as if he's favouring our baby because he's a boy.*

Why are you surprised?

Tvquizhelp · 26/02/2020 19:35

Urgh. What an idiot.

opticaldelusion · 26/02/2020 19:38

You''re on kid no.3 and you've only just twigged you married a misogynist?

Ellisandra · 26/02/2020 19:43

I think it would sent a really shitty message to all three children.

Wouldn’t wash with me if you told me I had mum’s name because the name does out with the female line - because that’s blatantly not true, exactly in their own surname! (yours)

So as a girl, I’d think the boy was more important to my father.

I’d think that as the boy, too - am equally harmful message.

Finally, it sets up a whole “boys belong to dad, girls to mum” which isn’t great - and then feeds all sorts of stereotypes that women are this thing, men are that thing.

He takes yours, or you all double barrel.

Veterinari · 26/02/2020 19:45

I don't think he doesn't care about our daughter's it's more that he thinks a son will keep the family name going

Because he's assuming your son will marry a woman and bestow his name on her? Point out to him that it's 2020. There's no reason to think your son will marry and if he does why would his wife take his name? Confused

Hi lineage argument clearly doesn't stack up when there are other males.

It will create practical issues re: travelling, registering etc - I assume you'd do doctor, school registration etc? All trickier if you have a different name.

And then the resentment of your DDs growing up to realise their misogynistic father has favourited his son.

Tell your MIL to fuck off. Nothing to do with her. Not even her name!

Roselilly36 · 26/02/2020 19:50

YANBU my children would have my surname.

Elizadoeslittle19 · 26/02/2020 20:13

@Rosebel Do you think your DH perhaps isn't too bothered about your daughters surnames because he believes that one day they will change anyway?
Also you mention that you dont want to change your surname because of work. There are about 4 or 5 women in my office who are married but still use their maiden name at work. Is that a possibility for you if you would consider changing your surname now you are married?
How old are your daughters? (Apologies if you have already said I HNRTFT)... are they at an age where they can express if they would like to change their surname to your DHs? If so have a talk with them see what they think? If not then I suppose that's a decision you and DH will have to make for them?
From personal experience I gave my DC my partners surname and we are getting married later this year, i always planned to change my name and I'm glad I gave DC his surname.
I think you need advice for a workable solution, some posts about passing on a family name being archaic, who owns the name, DH not bothered about your daughters probably aren't that helpful. Yes its 2020 and the tradition of woman taking man's surname might be dying out, but it still happens, and its not fair to criticise your DH because he would like that to happen.
Failing that its double barrel for you all!!!
But MIL should keep her nose out!!

Elizadoeslittle19 · 26/02/2020 20:29

So @Rosebel I've just re read your OP...what do you think about the woman taking man's surname upon marriage? I can see why you gave your first daughter your surname, but by the time you're having your second DC would it not have been a possibility for her to have had his surname if you were getting married, then it would only be first daughter who would have needed to change her name? You would probably have had this discussion with DC2 if she had been a boy. Did you think that with both DC having your surname, and you not changing yours your DH would agree to the same for DC3?

Original poster
Rosebel · 26/02/2020 21:11

I didn't really think about it either way as our 3rd wasn't planned. With both our older children we talked about surnames but my husband agreed they should both have my name especially as even when DC2 was born we weren't planning on getting married.
Our girls are 11 and 13 and don't want to change their names but my husband said it's not up to them. He's only thinking about changing their names though because I said it was unfair.
I'm exhausted from this. I can't believe how much we're fighting over this. He really wants our son to have his name but I think it would be a lot easier if he had mine or if we double barrelled but we can't agree.

OP posts:
HoHoHolly · 26/02/2020 21:26

I hadn't realised their ages. At 11 and 13 your DDs should 100% have input into their own names. It would be ridiculous and very undermining to insist they change them to match their brother, especially when they'd get to keep them if they were having a sister!! That's worse than insisting wives change their names on marriage.

Bash it out with your husband about your son, but leave your daughters' names as they are, if that is what they want.

AnotherEmma · 26/02/2020 21:31

If you're fighting a lot and can't agree, it would probably be beneficial to have some couple's counselling sessions. Might seem like overkill but there are clearly lots of issues here.

champagneandfromage50 · 26/02/2020 21:54

Hmm now your DH is understanding what it has been like for woman for 100s of years. DC Taken on a fathers surname should have died out when we got the vote and the same for the wife's. I find it hilarious that he had no issue that his DD have your surname but now his DS is on his way he his behaving like he is a lord of the manor and going on about his surname! What's laughable is that the mother of his own DC hasn't changed her name and his own DD have there mothers surname and are likely to keep it.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/02/2020 06:35

Our girls are 11 and 13 and don't want to change their names but my husband said it's not up to them.

If you separated the court would let them decide who they wanted to live with. I think they're old enough to decide what they want their name to be!

GaraMedouar · 27/02/2020 07:00

Age 11 and 13 , I thought they were toddlers. Definitely up to the girls. Do not change their names. It would need your agreement too. What message does it send to them - unimportant girls. I hope your girls , if they do get married, keep their surname in future anyway , I hope my DD does (I gave her my surname / glad I did). No reason at all why women should change their name.
I still think best compromise is DS has your surname with DH name as a second middle name.