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AIBU?

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Original poster

About baby's surname

158 replies

Rosebel · 25/02/2020 21:33

When I had my first daughter me and my partner (now husband) hadn't been together long so we agreed to give her my surname. When we had our second we also gave her my surname. Since then we've got married but I haven't changed my surname, mainly because if I go back to my career as I hope to it'll be difficult if I have a different surname.
Now I'm pregnant with our son my husband wants him to have his surname but I'm not keen. It would be easier if my husband changed his name to mine and then we'd all have the same surname.I hate the idea of our son having a different name to his sisters.
My husband and interfering MIL keep saying he should have my husband's name to carry on the family name although as I pointed out there are other make relatives with that name so it won't did out.
Today MIL said she'll be so disappointed if the baby doesn't get my husband's name and I said I'll be disappointed if he does.
Isn't it easier if all the children have the same surname? Am I unreasonable to think it's fuck all to do with MIL what the baby's called?

OP posts:
Pollyputthepizzaon · 26/02/2020 07:04

YANBU and your DH is ridiculous.

Why don’t you just reply that you want your son to carry on YOUR family name too. Siblings need the same name if they have the same parents.

Thinkingaboutsummer2020 · 26/02/2020 07:04

We have 3 different last names in our house 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thinkingaboutsummer2020 · 26/02/2020 07:05

Why do siblings NEED to have the same last name?

Noconceptofnormal · 26/02/2020 07:14

I think it matters that the three siblings all have the same name for their own identity, otherwise it is an unhealthy girls get mum's name and boys get dad's name situation.

Either double barrel or decide on a new name together.

GaraMedouar · 26/02/2020 07:18

Give DS your name too. Your DH can change us too, or not.

PicsInRed · 26/02/2020 07:21

I would look at a husband and a MIL like this with the knowledge that I will ver likely be doing most or all of the work to raise all 3 children to adulthood.

Give your son you surname.

cakecakecheese · 26/02/2020 07:21

Who even knows that your son would be 'carrying on the family name' anyway? He may choose to not have kids or might marry and take his wife or husband's surname.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/02/2020 07:23

Going against the grain OP- I think you are being ridiculous for not wanting to change your surname due to a job- surely people are allowed to get married, isn’t that what the “nee” is for?!
If you had a feminist or family name reasoning then I’d understand but not wanting to change for your career I think is silly.

I do understand your husband’s want to have his surname amongst his children (your MIL should keep her nose out). I think your children should all change their last name, double barrelled if possible.

PicsInRed · 26/02/2020 07:24

Why does it matter if the kids have different surnames

...said no one ever - if a woman decided to give her 2nd child her own surname. Hmm

Oooh, I know the answer! It matters if it's the Dad's surname because that's really his surname and the wee women only borrow surnames until ownership passes to another man.

Am I close? Grin

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/02/2020 07:25

There’s probably more value in having your sisters’ name than your dad’s growing up. I’d have dad’s surname as a middle name, yours as a surname. MIL should mind her own business.

Dontdisturbmenow · 26/02/2020 07:25

It has nothing to do with your MIL, but it shouldn't be about what you and you want only. Your OH is entitled to want one of his children to have his name just like you wanted your other children to have yours.

It is indeed very odd for siblings to have different names though. There is no right or wrong, the problem is that it sounds like it was never discussed and now that you have two children with your name, you want it all your way.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/02/2020 07:27

@OnlyFoolsnMothers is because she didn’t want to change her name a good enough reason for you? Clearly some women change their names on marriage because they want to, despite the detrimental effect on work, however minor, the loss of identity, and all the inconvenience.

PicsInRed · 26/02/2020 07:28

OnlyFoolsNMothers, why is the OP "selfish" for wanting to retain a name she is professionally known by, but her H somehow isn't selfish for suddenly deciding he wants only one child to have his name simply because it's a boy? Even though the children will have different surnames...therefore it won't even be the "family name"?

She sounds prudent and he sounds barkingly selfish.

PicsInRed · 26/02/2020 07:30

Oh and OP, I would put money on your MIL having quietly gone on about this and stirred trouble to your H since your 1st child was born.

Hold your position.

onionface · 26/02/2020 07:32

Does he not understand that your family name is just as worthy if "carrying on" as his? And as you and your daughters have perfectly demonstrated, you do not need to be male to "carry on" a name. It's outdated, sexist nonsense.

Give your son the same last name as you and your daughters, and let your husband change his name if it means so much to him.

onionface · 26/02/2020 07:35

Your OH is entitled to want one of his children to have his name just like you wanted your other children to have yours.

Why? If the two daughters had their dad's last name would you think it reasonable for the OP to give her son her last name, too? I doubt it. Men don't have a god given right to brand their offspring.

onionface · 26/02/2020 07:38

If you had a feminist or family name reasoning then I’d understand but not wanting to change for your career I think is silly.

Not at all. If you're well known in a field, say you have published things under your name, then changing it can be detrimental. Nobody would ever tell a man he was silly for not wanting to change his name for his career. "just use née" would not be uttered to a man.

MarchDaffs · 26/02/2020 07:42

I'm with your MIL I'm afraid. The children should have your DH name, you've started something with the DD's having yours but as a MIL I'd be disappointed too for the son not to have the name

Then the disappointment would be your punishment from the universe for being so ridiculous and sexist.

^Going against the grain OP- I think you are being ridiculous for not wanting to change your surname due to a job- surely people are allowed to get married, isn’t that what the “nee” is for?!
If you had a feminist or family name reasoning then I’d understand but not wanting to change for your career I think is silly.^

You using the word silly here makes me worry for the stability of your glass house, since not getting why it would be beneficial for a woman in an established career not to change the name she's known by is quite remarkably daft,

Musmerian · 26/02/2020 07:42

@MondeoFan - any argument to back up your assertion? Should because?

Soontobe60 · 26/02/2020 07:46

Both my DDs changed their names on marriage, even though they said they wouldn't before weddings were on the cards. It certainly hasn't had any detrimental impact on their careers, or changed them into stepford wives! In fact in dd2s family DH has his original single surname, DD has a double barrelled name and her dsd has her mother's surname. No one with identity, they're all very well grounded and secure in their family of different names.
I wouldn't be surprised if the op just registered the births of her first two babies herself and gave them her name. Lots of women do that, it's fine. Maybe her then dp wasn't happy but wasn't able to do anything about it as they weren't married. But now they are married, her DH does have a say in surnames. As a pp said, he would be able to register the birth himself now, whereas before he couldn't. Maybe he'd feel exactly the same if the new baby was a girl? OP didn't say he wanted to do it because it's his son.
I think carrying on a family name is somehow rooted in our identity. In my family, the females all have a middle name from their mother's side, and the males all have a middle name that matches their mother's surname. My brothers have our DFs surname and both have daughters with the same surname. None of the daughters have children with the same surname, so when my dbs die, the name will too. I'm quite into ancestry, and seeing a family name be passed down through the generations is very interesting. My dgs middle name is my fathers name. These things are important to some people. It doesn't make them stuck in the dark ages or misogynistic.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 26/02/2020 07:48

I think stick to your guns. If your children have different surnames then everyone will assume they've got different fathers.

Anyway you've not changed your name or given your children his name, why does he think your daughters will take their husbands name or your son will have children and automatically give them his name? I dont think it's great he is treating them differently

daisypond · 26/02/2020 07:50

He needs to change his surname to yours. I know a couple of men who have done it.

inicecoldblood · 26/02/2020 07:55

Stick to your guns OP.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/02/2020 08:01

I personally didn’t want to change my name but my child has a double barrelled name for that reason. She isn’t just mine.
I don’t think the husband is being unreasonable- he may just say the boy should take his surname because it’s the child they will have now married

ShriekingBansheela · 26/02/2020 08:01

LOL at the blithe sexist assumption that a son will carry a name on and a daughter won’t, when MIL can see that you have given your Dds your name.

In your situation I would possibly double barrel the whole family including your DH.