To think most women tolerate sex to keep their relationships

[penelopepitstopsgain]

I don't doubt there are many women, who enjoy the physical side of their relationships but I've spoken to so many who would rather just have a cuddle and a good book but submit, for want of a better word, to their partner for fear they'll stray or see it as their obligation- even I find that sometimes I really can't be bothered and lie to my partner that its my time of the month just to get some peace. I can see as I get older that I'd rather just have a companion rather than the constant pressure of sex - so am I alone in thinking this or just incredibly cynical or even possibly asexual? Vote
Yes = You're cynical
No = I can relate

And I’m not saying that women who don’t particularly want sex are necessarily resentful or that the relationship can’t be positive - I’m saying that in the case of women who potentially could want more sex, many won’t for reasons already mentioned or similar.

Interestingly the votes are pretty even - suggesting this may be more than my echo chamber of friends who feel this way

I actually agree with you OP. I certainly had sex I didn't want for years actual DECADES to keep the peace, I'd gone off my husband sexually but he was generally so decent and nice and we were a great parenting team etc, I thought he deserved sex. I ended up with an alcohol dependence to do it twice a week for a decade until it all blew up. I came to realise too late that not only was it catastrophic for my own mental and physical health but to be absolutely frank he would be better off with someone who wasn't faking it. He would sulk and go silent if he didn't get it so it's not like I was doing it for some luxury lifestyle, just to avoid that pernicious atmosphere that soured an otherwise quite peaceful homelife.

I can't be the only one. He ended up in counselling to cope with the collossal rejection when I stopped blaming depression or tiredness or whatever and just said "I just don't want to have sex with you any more" but honestly I was so done with it I didn't care and am still coming to terms post divorce with how messed up that part of an otherwise quite good marriage was. I wish we could all accept that sexual attraction can wane and run its course.

He's got a new partner and they seem happy and I (mostly) sleep blissful alone, diagonally.

Honestly , I used to but then I stopped taking the pill and 3/4 months later my libido came back.
Was like a light switched on and our relationship is so much better for it .
We’re both so much happier and I realised it wasn’t because I’d stopped fancying or loving my dh ,it was because the pill had erased that part.

I have friends that fall into the ‘I’d rather read my book’ camp, but they all have husbands who aren’t exactly attentive in bed.

...and I have 2 friends who take antidepressants that have affected their libido for the worse.

@ BearimyJeremy so sad to hear your story..I know my partner sulks if I'm less than enthusiastic and that can subconsciously affect how I respond subsequently .. really hope you're in a better place now

The non-attentive husbands getting a bashing here. I'm not sure I read too many comments on the 'Husband won't have sex with me anymore' threads that maybe they should do more of the housework and be more generous in bed.

I think communication is the key here. No one has the right to sex, but you don't have the right to stop someone else just because you're not interested anymore.

I can very much relate to this.
Its one of the reasons am never getting married or living with a partner again.Sex was just like a burden to me.I had to do it because it was my obligation to my spouse. Dont get me wrong I can enjoy sex when I put my mind to it but Id rather not.There are a a hundred more interesting things I could be doing that gives me better satisfaction than sex.On some level I see sex for what it really is.I mean all that smacking of organs against each other ,body fluids been exchanged just so we can get a few minutes of orgasm.Naa I dont see the appeal in it.I mean I have had loads of orgasm so its not like I have problem with that.But its just that I cant be bothered with sex or orgasm or any of that sort of thing.Id rather be watching eastenders or browsing MN or reading a good book.

I think actually the reverse is also true. It’s not a man / woman thing. Plenty of men in long term relationships go off sex too. It’s very common for one partner to feel this way regardless of their sex.

Totally agree with this. I think I prefer it more than my partner.

Speak for yourself. Sorry you don’t enjoy sex, I do. I assume you’re hoping to normalise whatever’s going on in your world so you don’t have to feel bad about it. You shouldn’t feel bad for whatever your ‘normal’ is, thats perfectly fine....just a bit annoying that you try to drag others in.

I am unsure about this.

I was married and wasn’t enjoying sex with dh, it felt like a chore, was pretty boring and I no longer felt any desire to do it. After ending my marriage I realised that it wasn’t really a problem with me not wanting sex bit a problem with me no longer being in love with dh. I really do enjoy sex but when you have been with someone so long it becomes less important and doesn’t take priority. For this reason I will probably never get into another long term relationship 🤣

I think there is a strong correlation between having children and losing interest in sex. When you’re exhausted from looking after children (especially if you have a DP who doesn’t pull their weight) it’s a total mood killer. Many, many posts on here have discussed the no or infrequent sex after a baby issue.

It’s much easier to maintain an exiting and frequent sex life if you don’t have any children (I speak from experience as I don’t have any).

I think it's massively important

I've had periods where I've not felt like sex, and DH also had the same. Occasionally they coincided - if they didn't, the person who wasn't keen had the final say. However these were just temporary periods, not a permanent feature of our relationship. We still loved and fancied each other right up to the last, even though for the final year we couldn't do it because of his health. I don't think its inevitable that all long term relationships end up like that.

Thanks penelopepitstopsgain

I mourn that it cost me my marriage which like I say was pretty tight otherwise. My children now have two homes and parents who are apart. I don't think they really understand why we split even though it's been a few years now as life was toddling along perfectly nicely as far as they could probably see and that must be perplexing. I can't exactly tell them the precise reasons. Thankfully the split was eventually, ostensibly amicable and still is and we live on the same road even now, weirdly but conveniently (it's a long one). Things are calm.

It largely did boil down to this mismatch in attraction after 20+ years. Had I been a man who'd gone off his wife I don't imagine people would be sympathetic to me and tbh I don't think a lot of people get how horrible it is to be under pressure to have sex and be intimate when every pore is screaming. I remember looking in the mirror before I did it, so many hundred times, a few drinks under psyching myself up. Never again. I remember saying to myself "I will never have sex I do not want" and that was a turning point.

I think honesty is the healthiest policy. My kids would have had an alcoholic mother had I said nothing. The cost has been high but yes facing future making more honest healthy relationships is probably best not just for me and XH but as a model for kids. I'm still figuring it out!

I'd definitely say get decent counselling earlier than you think you need it. By the time we got to relate we were in a crappy place where communication had broken down. Treat it like a check up if one or both is struggling. Best of luck.

Also... if the sex is good I think it’s hard to resist. Some people are sexually selfish and or don’t have a clue (and don’t care to learn about what makes you tick). Nobody is going to be enthusiastic over the same boring ass sex every time.

Additionally, there is still a huge orgasm gap too. Imagine if men only came 64% of the time (which is the statistic for women). There’d be outrage and a lot of sulking no doubt. I’m always surprised by the number of women who say ‘oh I don’t need to orgasm every time’. Women shouldn’t make excuses for men who are shit in bed. If they’re not getting it right (or not getting you off) tell them! If they don’t want to listen stop having sex with them!

I think it’s definitely a generalisation to say “women don’t necessarily enjoy sex” when it’s more that “people don’t necessarily enjoy sex”.

The problem with sex is it’s the one thing that we (people, not women) have to unilaterally like and enjoy, or there’s something wrong with us. If you don’t like any other thing on the planet, that’s fine, but sex? There’s still that social conditioning (even on this thread) that it something you’re supposed to unselfishly bestow upon your significant other at all times, or they are well within their rights to just fuck off and leave you. Not to mention the fact that everybody has to be absolutely amazing at it, or that’s wrong too.

Oh hell no I disagree. There is nothing better than orgasms then falling asleep in each others arms. 15 years later and it only gets better.

Just thinking of a group of eight couples were know, its roughly half and half. Of those that do it regularly, one has a husband who works away all week and they're both quite fit and sporty, another has a three storey house, with their room and en-suite only on the top floor. Both have all of their kids at secondary school. The other couple has been together forever and she has let slip that he's rather generous in bed and the other couple is us, but we've only been together 11 years. DH's first marriage was rather dry, don't know why, he's fantastic! I'm not on any hormonal contraception, which I think probably helps.
Of those that don't, I have absolutely no idea why really. None of their husbands are at all difficult on the eye, they all pull their weight with the childcare etc and are genuinely nice blokes. One of my friends took to scheduling it for a bit - I think she has body confidence issues (she looks amazing) and feels tremendous guilt over it, especially as every time she does, she remembers how good he is!
I know one of my friends reluctantly 'rewards' her husband on special occasions.

I can't imagine having this conversation with any friend....eeewww...

if you are not happy, do your husband the basic courtesy of talking with him first.

classic MN generalisation. And nearly as bad as the jaw droppingly sexist comment a woman in a supermarket made today, and then seemed surprised that I didn't support her.

By definition half of DH’s are below average attractiveness. You’re lucky if you still fancy your DH 10-20 years later. In fact some women would say you’re lucky if you fancied him to start with. Plus you might have gone off him if he isn’t sufficiently loving or supportive, which many men aren’t. I haven’t gone off sex, I just have no desire to do it with my DH. Obviously I can’t tell him that though.

I'll admit I wouldn't stay in a marriage where I felt I had to 'submit to sex', regardless of children etc. I just wouldn't want to make such a compromise. I've been in 2 long relationships before DH and with each my sex drive would wane after about a year, then it would be a prolonged suffering for 1-2 more years until I'd leave. Initially, I was worried it will be the same with DH - but it is not. We've been together 8y and still going strong. I can't even say he's that much better lover than my ex but the chemistry with him is certainly stronger. Not even pregnancy and birth of our DD changed it. I was craving sex with him well before I was given green light by the doctors after the C-section. For us, sex is just as important part of our intimacy as a couple as verbal communication is.

I can relate to this. Not because I never want sex, but just because my sex drive is much lower than my partner's. His is extremely high... I wish mine was, really.

If anyone can recommend anything (other than coming off antidepressants - in the process!) to help increase libido I will be forever in your debt.

Well for what it's worth, sex is high up on my list of priorities. I like, and want, sex. A lot of sex. Excellent sex. And I am most definitely a woman.

That's why I didn't settle for an unattractive man who's 'nice'. Cause that's just not enough. My friends are nice. My man has to be a lot more than nice for me to be contented in a relationship.

That's why I laid out my expectations early on in the relationship - keep yourself sexually attractive, and ensure I get off Every Time.

Now, if the lust was to disappear, or if my man let himself go and was no longer attractive to me, there's no way I would stay, regardless of how good the relationship might be otherwise. Because, as I said, I like and want sex.