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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think most women tolerate sex to keep their relationships

518 replies

penelopepitstopsgain · 25/02/2020 14:34

I don't doubt there are many women, who enjoy the physical side of their relationships but I've spoken to so many who would rather just have a cuddle and a good book but submit, for want of a better word, to their partner for fear they'll stray or see it as their obligation- even I find that sometimes I really can't be bothered and lie to my partner that its my time of the month just to get some peace. I can see as I get older that I'd rather just have a companion rather than the constant pressure of sex - so am I alone in thinking this or just incredibly cynical or even possibly asexual? Vote
Yes = You're cynical
No = I can relate

OP posts:
Sadik · 25/02/2020 17:54

I wonder how many of the women feeling like this have young children?

I have a group of women friends aged roughly from mid 20s to mid 60s, and we've definitely had similar conversations. On the whole I'd say it's those at the bottom end with babies/toddlers who would tend to feel this way, those of us who are older much less likely to do so.

I'd also throw in the (mostly middle aged) women who put up with the downsides of relationships in order to have regular non-stressful access to sex!

Magicpaintbrush · 25/02/2020 17:56

I love sex and would be properly gutted without it. I know that in the future there will come a day when I realise that part of my life is in the past and I will be so so sad about it. Right now me and DH have to find time alone during the day to do it because DD is always sleeping in our bed at night and I find that really difficult, not having the opportunity as often as we would like - we make the most of what we have, it is REALLY important to me (us).

Original poster
penelopepitstopsgain · 25/02/2020 17:56

I started this thread to see whether my thinking was skewed and have learnt a lot more than I bargained for! To those who say it's just repeating the old trope that women don't like sex I would invite them to read the comments - they are pretty evenly mixed .. there are a lot of sexually liberated women who know what they need and go for it but there are still many pleasers who put their own needs aside for the sake of their relationship ( I would have included myself in this camp).
I've made a decision today, on the basis of this thread that will see no more excuses and greater transparency as to what I need - thank you all and hopefully you've learnt something too Smile

OP posts:
Tulipan · 25/02/2020 17:56

"You're looking at it the wrong way. I would say that men don't moan because, in the main, they are better at women at getting what they want in bed. The answer would be for women to be more like men."

Or is the answer just to sleep with other women ... as they seem to have a far better orgasm success rate with their partners ...

maa1992 · 25/02/2020 18:01

I don't see sex as an obligation.

When I was going through ivf and initially got pregnant we didn't have sex due to fear, medical reasons. Then we did, then we stopped again because I was way too big and it just didn't work out and I didn't feel a little bit insecure and I knew DH was missing it but not once did I worry he'd stray or that he'd leave me.

I think it depends on your relationship and how you feel about yourself.

If a man loves you, it's not all about the sex - it's important but no one should feel obliged

NameChangeNugget · 25/02/2020 18:07

I do believe your thinking is skewed. Either that or you’re doing it wrong?

I’m early 60’s and would have even more sex with DH if I could.

Funguy · 25/02/2020 18:15

Sex is amazing with the right person, it's very weird sexual chemistry. However, that may not even be a nice reasonable person who is good at relationships.
It's a hard question, as romantic sexual attraction does not last
( necessarily) forever.
I do believe that proximity can erode sexual attraction whatever anyone may claim.
I can only say I would not 'tolerate' sex to keep the peace.No way.
I am veering toward the idea of open relationships which I have enjoyed in the past.

PerfectionistProcrastinator · 25/02/2020 18:15

Im 36 and don’t have a high sex drive. But I am prone to uti and can find sex uncomfortable.

If sex was nothing but pleasurable, or even just “quite nice” I think I’d want it a lot more.

Hotchocolate321 · 25/02/2020 18:15

15 years together and my only complaint is we don’t do it enough since having our children (they never sleep or leave us alone long enough!). So I can’t agree, sorry. I complain more than my husband that it isn’t enough, I think he’s just accepted this is our reality for the next few years.

Nannewnannew · 25/02/2020 18:19

Sex with my ex was great apart from when the children were small and then I did feel ‘ all touched out’. I must admit that I did sometimes ‘ give in’ just to keep the peace. ☹️ The main problem for me though was that he could maintain an erection for hours and to be honest it went on too long.

CloudyVanilla · 25/02/2020 18:21

Haven't RTFT but am responding to the OP.

I don't think this is the case, and if it is the case for a decent proportion of women then I still imagine it is equally common for a decent proportion of men, but maybe slightly less so than women.

It does however remind me that you see this stereotype in a lot of naff American sitcoms that nust perpetuate the gendered belief that men are sex pests an women are reluctant participants who, as you say, submit to keep the peace or even as a "reward".

It's a weird and overly gendered portrayal of sex, and I kind of feel like it all stems from the old fashioned, misogynistic view that sex is for mens pleasure only and that women a) aren't equal partners in a sexual relationship and b) shouldn't enjoy sex like men do.

I enjoy an active sex life with my DP, and we both go through phases or wanting more or less, sometimes this doesn't sync up with each other and sometimes it does. It's an important facet of our relationship though and I would never have sex out of a sense of obligation, nor would I be comfortable if my partner felt obligated to do so, and I'm sure he feels the same.

Whatsmyname26 · 25/02/2020 18:23

I enjoy it and if anything it has got better the older we have got. It’s a nice way of reconnecting and being close to one another.

Weirdomagnet · 25/02/2020 18:24

Me op. I've always been the same and it only gets worse with age for me! Think I avoid relationships largely for this reason. I love going to bed... to sleep. Frigid, sexless freak that I am!

okiedokieme · 25/02/2020 18:25

Are you kidding, of the handful of women I know well enough to have such a conversation, we all seem to like sex and want more than the men in our lives! Perhaps it's an age thing - we are all approaching the menopause and kids are adults.

okiedokieme · 25/02/2020 18:27

@Greenkit

Me too, perhaps those here are just bored of each other!

UYScuti · 25/02/2020 18:28

I have never done it just to keep the peace, why should I put myself out unless I want it too!

stillathing · 25/02/2020 18:32

Honestly , I used to but then I stopped taking the pill and 3/4 months later my libido came back. Was like a light switched on and our relationship is so much better for it.
We’re both so much happier and I realised it wasn’t because I’d stopped fancying or loving my dh ,it was because the pill had erased that part.

This x100!

I now know that my libido fluctuates with the natural rhythm of my hormones, getting hornier around ovulation. I had been on the pill so long that I just had no idea how I was supposed to feel. I really had to think myself into sex so it rarely happened (i can't bring myself to have sex I don't want). We're having such a good time now. The small annoyance of using condoms again is so worth the feeling of fancying the fuck out of my partner.

Tbh I've been wondering how many women this affects. I read some massive long newspaper article supposedly about research into female desire and it wasn't mentioned once. I'd love to see a study.

TheHumanSatsuma · 25/02/2020 18:39

No

TheHumanSatsuma · 25/02/2020 18:40

Sorry, yes! You are wrong!

AmazingGreats · 25/02/2020 18:40

I have mostly only tolerated relationships so I can have regular sex. I don't think most women are sex haters.

turnandfacethenamechange · 25/02/2020 18:46

stillathing which kind of pill?

SpaceCadet4000 · 25/02/2020 18:50

I'm amazed that the poll is 50/50. The only complaints I've heard from friends are not enough sex or inept partners.

I think there's probably a bit of confirmation bias going on when we generalise- we hear the information that makes us feel justified (or less alone?) in our lives.

DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld · 25/02/2020 18:51

Oh yes @stillathing I am definitely miles better after coming off hormonal contraception. I dont think I've ever as good sex as I'm having now.

I am nearly 40, been with husband for 14 years and it is the best sex of my life. When I'm ovulating I follow him about like a dog on heat ha! I've never ever experience that real physical craving for sex and I love it.

bmbonanza · 25/02/2020 18:52

I dont see it as drastic - there are times when I say no, but usually I just go along with it if I am not that fussed. It is pretty much like wanting fish and chips for tea but having a curry because partner prefers it. There are times he does the same I am sure, and then there are times when we both are really keen.....not an issue either way to me.

JustTurtlesAllTheWayDown · 25/02/2020 18:53

I'm also really surprised that its 50/50. I really didn't expect it to be that high.