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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think most women tolerate sex to keep their relationships

518 replies

penelopepitstopsgain · 25/02/2020 14:34

I don't doubt there are many women, who enjoy the physical side of their relationships but I've spoken to so many who would rather just have a cuddle and a good book but submit, for want of a better word, to their partner for fear they'll stray or see it as their obligation- even I find that sometimes I really can't be bothered and lie to my partner that its my time of the month just to get some peace. I can see as I get older that I'd rather just have a companion rather than the constant pressure of sex - so am I alone in thinking this or just incredibly cynical or even possibly asexual? Vote
Yes = You're cynical
No = I can relate

OP posts:
SunlightBlazing · 25/02/2020 15:29

yep ... it's alright once i get into it usually, but if I didn't feel like its something I "should" be doing to keep my relationship healthy, I would choose to do it a lot less often

ThreeRandomWords · 25/02/2020 15:33

I'm going through a divorce right now, but leaving aside my own experience, I remember a friend saying that "Sue" was divorcing her husband "because she doesn't want to have sex with her dh any more". Friend intimated that "Sue" was being a bit silly because: "well, who does?".

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2020 15:38

A straw poll of DH's male friends who complain they don't get laid. They are the arseholes. The ones who did no housework or child work, probably cheated and generally behaved like nobs. And LO! their wives aren't in the mood.

My exH was a wanker, I didn't much feel like a shag at the end. DH is fantastic.

VeniceQueen2004 · 25/02/2020 15:38

I think it's rarely one thing or t'other but changes and evolves as time goes on.

Used to be very sexually compatible with DP, but since pregnancy, birth, rigours of early parenthood and breastfeeding he's still keen as mustard and I'm just... not. I feel very bad for him as he hasn't changed and I have. It is a problem, we're talking it through a lot, and I am 'making an effort' as it were to initiate more as when we do dtd I (usually) enjoy it and am glad we did - just the idea seems exhausting to me and I don't have that URGE to do it I used to. I want to want to, but I just don't most of the time. I miss it.

It's always much better if I make a plan to initiate on a regular basis and take the lead - after being put off multiple times he is now nervous of initiating, and frankly I find it quite suffocating when he does and feel bad about refusing, so my approach is to make it happen myself when I feel I can manage it rather than 'submitting' as OP says when he makes a move. Makes me feel less badgered and gives me a change to get in the right mindset beforehand. Also very low risk for me compared to him, as if I reject him he feels badly whereas if he's not in the mood when I ask then frankly I can take it or leave it!

I'm hoping my drive will come back again when I am less strained by childcare, work etc and able to take better care of myself (sleep, exercise, diet). I've heard a lot of women say they had a resurgence in their 40s, so here's hoping and I'll do what I can to keep the home fires burning until then, not to prevent my partner 'straying' or to keep the peace but because I value that side of our relationship too and don't want us to lose it and just become friends who live together.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/02/2020 15:39

It's not an outdated view at all - lots of women can't be bothered with it after a while, or have a break from it while their kids are small, or whatever.

It may be related to the quality of the sex and many women will just put up with it not being great because they still love their husband/partner for other reasons - but some won't because sex is too important to them for them to put up with poor quality sex.

It's an area that is impossible to generalise about, but it's certainly not "outdated".

Shoxfordian · 25/02/2020 15:40

I think sex is an important part of a relationship so I wouldn't be happy without it.

Oblomov20 · 25/02/2020 15:41

Most women I know feel like this. Not with young kids, older ones too.

Makes me laugh when pp's say only on mn can you talk about it.

I disagree. It's called having close friends and being able to talk about such things.

Everyone I know talks about such things. I know mums from ds's football team that we all go on holiday together, that talk about such things.

I have 10 friends, close, to whom such conversations are the norm. They talk about their teens mental health etc.

I don't see as much of a topic that can't be discussed!

Oblomov20 · 25/02/2020 15:44

Mantaray:

"You must have loads of close female friends, OP. I can count on one hand the number of people I would speak to on this level. How many have actually said this to you?"

Depends what kind of 'close' friendships you have, or rather what you classify as 'close'.

I suspect that my classification is very different from yours.

Poetryinaction · 25/02/2020 15:45

I would happily never have sex again. But the actual sex, when I have it, is enjoyable.
It's the cuddles I don't like. I hate being touched. But maybe that's just me.

Esspee · 25/02/2020 15:46

Such a sad post.

turnandfacethenamechange · 25/02/2020 15:48

I don't have a 'sex drive' really but I enjoy it when it's happening. But if DH didn't initiate it I'd probably just forget.

Also don't forget the HUGE number of people who are abused in childhood - that can lead to a lot of residual shame which is difficult to overcome.

DelurkingAJ · 25/02/2020 15:49

My wonderful DM told me (when I was 17 and told her I was going on the pill) that ‘if the sex isn’t fun, dump him’. I think this was some of the best advice I’ve ever been given. And I still enjoy sex with DH very much. Yes, occasionally I can’t be bothered because the DC have exhausted both of us but I genuinely cannot imagine a relationship lasting where sex wasn’t something we both actively enjoyed.

Original poster
penelopepitstopsgain · 25/02/2020 15:51

Some interesting responses.. thank you for being so candid all .. I actually think it goes further than just mismatched sex drives .. i have quite a high sex drive and am very confident regarding what I like but I value intimacy more than sex - a partner stroking my hair or cuddling means equally as much as the sex act itself but it's often not valued in the same way.. this also is not a female exclusive issue but i don't speak to my male friends about whether they are under pressure to always be willing for sex .. this is something my girlfriends confide in me about, hence the post

OP posts:
BigChocFrenzy · 25/02/2020 15:52

Some women may be put off for other reasons than the sex itself not being goog,

e.g. someone who claims to be incapable of sharing household chores, looking after the DC on his own,
who is selfish about money, or squanders it leaving the family short
etc

A manchild is totally unsexy, so is a bully or a miser

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 25/02/2020 15:53

I would hate not having the physical relationship I have with my DH. We’ve been together over 30 years and we still have an active sex life... on holiday last week it was a daily thing, usually 3 or 4 times a week. Certainly not something I “put up with”.

Crystal87 · 25/02/2020 15:53

I have a high sex drive and have needed it regularly from the age of 15/ 16. I think when I've been in relationships in the past when things haven't been great, the sex hadn't been great either as I think it's connected. So I haven't needed it as much, but I still craved orgasms and so would use toys. In a good relationship with someone I love and fancy I want it all the time.

BarbedBloom · 25/02/2020 15:55

I have a higher sex drive than my DH and have ended a relationship over the lack of it (long term, other partner refused to discuss it). Sex can be an important thing for both sexes.

No one should be having sex they don't want, but equally if they don't want it be honest with their partner and then they can decide if they want to stay or leave. Expecting someone to have sex they don't want is unfair but so is deciding that sex isn't part of your relationship anymore and expecting your partner to accept that.

rattusrattus20 · 25/02/2020 15:55

I don't think the setup described by OP is uncommon, but describing it as the experience of "most women" feels like a stretch to me.

LonginesPrime · 25/02/2020 15:55

There's no point in dong a survey, OP - there are so many factors that come into how someone feels about sex with their partner, and their view might also be different at different times. There are too many variables for a poll to be useful.

I think it's more about finding someone one is sexually compatible with, whether that means you have sex once a day or once a decade.

BilboBercow · 25/02/2020 15:58

I think a big part of this stems from the regressive ideas that "good" women aren't really supposed to be sexual. Society has for years imposed the ideas on women that sex is a thing that men do to women rather than something that both women and men are equal participants in.
This has resulted in women accepting a lot of really crap sex over the years

Mochatatts · 25/02/2020 15:59

I didn't enjoy sex with my exH and was very much in the do it because its expected camp. Ex boyfriend I was massively attracted to, however he had virtually no sex drive and if I'm honest wasn't very good in bed. Shame because he had a lovely manhood 😉
Current partner, we've been together 9 months, have 4 kids between us and do it as often as humanly possible. Absolutely love it. Both very well matched in terms of sex drive. Can't keep our hands off each other. I'm very happy, as you can tell.
I do have female friends who don't enjoy it at all, never had. And friends who really enjoy sex and have very active sex lives.
I think we need to talk about it more so people know there is no 'normal'. Everyone and every relationship is different.

silky4960 · 25/02/2020 16:01

being in a marriage where my wife decided no more sex, with no thought of talking to me, I do miss it and not just sex but the holding hands cuddles she has decided they are all out as well, not a nice feeling being in a relatinship where one does not feel wanted, both need to talk and agree I think

HulksPurplePanties · 25/02/2020 16:02

I tolerate cuddling to keep my relationship. Bah. Dh loves a cuddle and I don't. I love hard, fast sex & Dh loves foreplay and intimacy. I love DH though, so I cringe cuddle...sometimes...ugh

Cloudmonkey · 25/02/2020 16:03

Crystal87

I agree, my sex drive has always been high but I also value the intimacy of sex with a partner. My current boyfriend is incredible at sex and I treasure the closeness that brings for us both.

Reginabambina · 25/02/2020 16:03

I’ve never had anyone say something like this to me. In my relationship I’m the one with a higher sex drive. I couldn’t imagine not wanting sex.

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