To think most women tolerate sex to keep their relationships

[penelopepitstopsgain]

I don't doubt there are many women, who enjoy the physical side of their relationships but I've spoken to so many who would rather just have a cuddle and a good book but submit, for want of a better word, to their partner for fear they'll stray or see it as their obligation- even I find that sometimes I really can't be bothered and lie to my partner that its my time of the month just to get some peace. I can see as I get older that I'd rather just have a companion rather than the constant pressure of sex - so am I alone in thinking this or just incredibly cynical or even possibly asexual? Vote
Yes = You're cynical
No = I can relate

To the people saying you can't generalise, of course you can - this is the whole basis of social science. While differences within groups (i.e. between individual women) will always be larger than differences between groups (between men and women), that doesn't mean that there aren't significant and meaningful differences between men and women ON AVERAGE in their desire for sex.

Cant be bothered to post links now but I've had a quick look at the research before and as far as I remember the findings seem to suggest women as a group desire sex less. E.g. gay men have most sex, followed by hetero couples, with lesbians having the least.

OP, I think it’s terribly sad that you seem to regard intimacy as separate from sex. If your DH never cuddles you or strokes your hair or whatever during sex then he’s doing it wrong!
Have you tried actually discussing with him a) what turns you on, b) the fact that you need tenderness and intimacy, not just mechanical poking, c) how much foreplay you require, and d) which are the most reliable methods for bringing you to orgasm?
No woman wants rubbish sex, but plenty of middle aged or even elderly women have an enthusiastic sex drive when their partners are considerate and skilful lovers.
I was widowed in my mid 30’s with two children, but DH and I couldn’t keep our hands off each other on a virtually nightly basis, right up until his death. The longest we ever went without was 3 weeks, just after the birth of DD1, and we were both frantic by then!

Is there a reason why you're asking - a relationship problem of some sort maybe?

There’s no right answer to this. I think there are plenty of women, some I know, who would gladly never have sex again (not with their dh’s anyway!)
But there are also many who have a good sex life and enjoy it. I def don’t feel the need as much as my dh, who would happily have sex every day but if we don’t do it for a couple of weeks I start getting twitchy!

I agree Mochatatts .. there is no normal and the danger of a straw poll of friends is that you create your own echo chamber .. I know relationships are complex but I do worry for those who feel pressured either because they lack confidence in themselves or some other fear emerges - I have to ask myself why I lied to my partner about it being my time of the month, rather than just saying not tonight..to avoid a confrontation probably (coward that I am at times) It's also heart warming to hear so many people do not have this experience even after many years together..

Many people stay in unhealthy relationships for many reasons. OP's is one example.

I love sex with my husband. It is different than when we first got together, its not always the pure overwhelming lust anymore but often just the intimacy. We do occasionally mix it up which I enjoy but I am happy with "normal" sex.

It is sad to think of women scheduling in servicing their partners with the enthusiasm of doing chores such as deep cleaning the oven.

@HannaJoy I'm in the same boat. I also don't expect anything other than vanilla.

Perhaps they need better sex? I think you might be right. I'm 66, I could count on one hand the number of times I've had sex and not had an orgasm and I've never had sex for the sake of keeping DH happy, submit sounds so awful. I thought the "Lie back and think of England" went out before my time.

Just to add if something happened to DH I can't imagine having a sexual relationship with someone else. Sounds a bit off.

The number of people who seem to think a relationship should automatically end because one or both partners doesn't want much sex really shocks me.
Even when in lots of cases there's clearly love and respect (and families).
Seems like throwing out the baby with the bath water to me.

I just find it boring to be quite honest!

You’re not necessarily being cynical, I think you’re just going by the experiences you’ve had and the people you know and generalising based on that. But that will be a very small circle, and not necessarily representative of all, or even most, women.

I have a high sex drive. I really enjoy it, I miss it when I don’t have it, and my sexual relationship with my DH is a big part of our relationship. Otherwise we’d likely just be friends. I can’t imagine anything worse than just existing side-by-side in a platonic relationship without the intensity and the fun, and the intimacy, of sex.

I think many women who could be more into sex don’t really get to enjoy good sex - they’re not all that in touch with their own sexuality and sexual pleasure and/or they’re with men who are selfish/entitled in general and/or not that skilled in making them orgasm.

On the other hand, there are lots of people (male and female) who don’t particularly want sex.

YABU

I have spoken to three women I know about this so including me that's a sample of 4. None of us fit your description.

One is unmarried and enjoying safe sex on a regular basis but outside of a long term relationship.

One is married and has a husband who doesn't want sex as frequently as she does. This is a source of tension that has threatened their marriage.

One is divorcing and although it wasn't the reason for the relationship breakdown says they had only had sex a handful of times since marrying and that she had been unhappy with this.

The fourth is divorcing and also talks of mismatched sex drive, and not having sex as frequently as she would like. There is an element of submitting to keep the peace there, not in terms of frequency but in terms of specific acts. She is now seeing someone else with whom she is enjoying an active and enjoyable sex life.

My 1st H wanted more sex than I did after a few years - looking back this is probably because I didnt feel he appreciated the things I did to support our life and I felt out of sync with him.

2nd H we had plenty of mutually enjoyable sex, and when he was unable to (medical) I really missed it, but we made do with cuddles and affection.

Current DP we again have a reasonable amount of sex and I definately wouldn't want it to stop.

I also enjoy cuddles, and I enjoy a good book. I wouldn't want to do without any of these, or chocolate.

@SonjaMorgan did this enthusiasm persist through young kids/breastfeeding? Just wondering as this is what I put my change of pace down to mostly (also had s libido dip when on the contraceptive pill so I think I'm quite susceptible to hormonal variation) but interested to know if I might just be kidding myself on that one...

Not my experience.

DH and I would both like to manage more than once a week, but neither of us can agree on that second opportunity! So we muddle along with once a week that we both enjoy.

I have friends who don't have good sex lives with their partners, but who also have general poor communication issues with their partners.

I'll worry more if I stop communicating with my husband than if sex dips occasionally.

i think it's more about the large number of men who are incredibly lazy in bed, don't care what their partner likes and dislikes and think a few minutes of PIV is all sex is supposed to be. Ime. I spent years trying to teach various men what actually felt good to me (nothing complicated i assure you) and most got frustrated and huffy.

Me, personally, I'm happy to never have sex again. I've never had an orgasm through sex, but when I masturbate I can orgasm.
I can't even bother to masturbate anymore either.

I've not had sex with my DH for about 2 years. He hasn't even asked/tried it on with me either so I'm guessing he's not that bothered either.
I love my DH but am not sexually attracted to him anymore whatsoever. I think it's because he's a bit of a slob. He's just disgusting. Has a very low standard when it comes to cleaning,, disgusting toilet habits etc. I'm only with him because we have a child. I tried to break up with him twice but he has talked me out of it each time.

I don't lie to him. I don't have a high sex drive, if I don't want it I won't have it. And he does the same to me. We have sex maybe once a month. 🤷‍♀️ rather that than slowly resent him for invading my body like a big slobbering animal.

I think I fall into this camp. I sort of see sex as the trade off for being with DP and do it to keep him happy (hopefully he would never know this though). However I do find when I get into it I enjoy it.

Basically my view is: I used to enjoy our sex life. Nothing has changed about my DH or the things he does. The pleasure is still there when he does them. I just don't WANT it any more.

Is it better to go with that feeling and not have it until I WANT it desperately again (come what may in our relationship, possibly seperate if he can't commit to an indeterminate length of time celibate); or "work around" that feeling by "scheduling it in" so we can both have enjoyable sex until my desire returns? Neither is the ideal "both equally gagging for it" scenario but which is "sadder" by your lights @SonjaMorgan?

There's always been a strong sexual chemistry between DH and me, when we first met we nearly killed each other with sex We've been very happily married for more than 20 years and I believe our good sex life is a necessary part of that.

I just couldn't be with someone I didn't lust after, life is too short not to have a few orgasms a week

I’d say it’s the other way around in my house and I can think of at least five of my female friends where we’ve had this “omg I wish my husband could ever be bothered with sex!” conversation 🤷‍♀️

The childbearing/baby and childhood years have a big impact, both psychologically and physically. I think most couples find those years a little on the lean side, quite understandably (and again, many, many men are too selfish/entitled to actually pull their weight with the shit-work or to understand the huge and wide-ranging impact on women of having babies and carrying near enough all the mental load of household/parenting, which results in exhausted, resentful, touched-out women who have no resources left for sexual attraction/interest/engagement).