To think most women tolerate sex to keep their relationships

[penelopepitstopsgain]

I don't doubt there are many women, who enjoy the physical side of their relationships but I've spoken to so many who would rather just have a cuddle and a good book but submit, for want of a better word, to their partner for fear they'll stray or see it as their obligation- even I find that sometimes I really can't be bothered and lie to my partner that its my time of the month just to get some peace. I can see as I get older that I'd rather just have a companion rather than the constant pressure of sex - so am I alone in thinking this or just incredibly cynical or even possibly asexual? Vote
Yes = You're cynical
No = I can relate

“ my 30s was the best decade of my life sexually”

That’s depressing to hear - I hope I still have decades of good sex ahead of me!

IvinghoeBeacon
Yes it is depressing . I want them back 😂

@CheeseKiev - You’ve never had an orgasm with your husband?!
Jesus, how do you get through sex knowing nothing wonderful is going to happen for you?!

I’ve always found sex to be massively overrated, no matter who I’ve done it with, how attractive I’ve found them, how often I orgasmed, it’s always been, “well that was nice, but why do people go on about this so much?”

I just don’t get it tbh, I’m not asexual by any means, but I really do not understand the obsession our society has with sex. I orgasm every single time with my fiancée, but I’m also happy to go without it for long periods of time and so is she. We kiss and cuddle all the time and are very emotionally intimate, but I can for the most part live without sex.

@Watermelontea no I haven’t which is exactly why I’m not interested in sex in the slightest. He’d have it everyday if he could so I’ve explained to him he needs to step up his game if he wants me to put any effort in.

I think that part of the problem is that women can suffer from impotence, just as men can, but they can still be penetrated, so perhaps they and their partners don't even realise that's the case?
Perhaps because hetero sex has always been looked at from through the eyes of men we are led to think that ease of penetration (wetness) means that a woman is aroused, but it's not always the case. A clitoris and labia also has to become engorged with blood, just like a penis does. If that doesn't happen then the woman doesn't feel much, and she is unlikely to orgasm.

I agree with the lesbian pp who mentioned that different women have very different potential to orgasm, but I think this is directly linked to blood flow to the area.
Hormones can affect this massively, as can exercise and other physiological factors. So I think the problem is often with the mechanics as much as with the emotional side of things.
I definitely think that the heterosexual sex often doesn't work for women who take longer to (for want of a better word) get an erection.
The reason I think it's often a physical thing is that at certain hormonally driven times I have been as randy as a teenage boy, and even wham bam quickie sex has got me there, and other times I could be dead below the waist.
The problem with hetero sex in general though is that there is much focus on stirring the pot and not much on getting the dough to rise! (If that makes sense??)

@CheeseKiev

I don't think the average man would expect a woman to 'make' him orgasm - rather it is something that he expects to make happen for himself.

ISTM a great many women do themselves no favours by not thinking the same way.

“ I don't think the average man would expect a woman to 'make' him orgasm - rather it is something that he expects to make happen for himself”

In a patriarchal society...

This is certainly one explanation for why hetero sex can feel like being used as a wanksock for many women

It's interesting to hear from the women who say they orgasm fairly readily but it doesn't make it a qualitatively brilliant experience. I guess that's maybe another variation that occurs, good orgasms, meh orgasms. I remember when I took antidepressants not only did it take longer to orgasm but they weren't really all that when I did have them, I didn't experience the extreme pleasure I had before and after taking the antidepressants. If that was my experience all the time I don't think I'd be so motivated for sex.

Great insight into the male mind there @TomPinch

No wonder so many middle aged women decide to try women instead! My goal with a woman is definitely to bring her to orgasm! Who goes into sex with another person just thinking about themselves? Just have a wank!

This thread along with the one about absent fathers and many, many cheating husband ones fills me with despair and sadness. There's just no point even hoping that a man can truly love you, is there? Their head will always be turned, they will always look wistfully at other women (and not act upon it if they're half decent), what they have will never be enough. I nearly cried at this line from p.9 - Many men would prefer to shag a variety of women daily (if they would let them and the concept of monogamy hadn’t been invented), and I'm not even the emotional type.

Anyone who 'tolerates' sex is in the wrong relationship. Unless you're just asexual.

For me sex is one of the reasons I want a relationship. If it was bad I wouldn't bother with the relationship.

Anyone who 'tolerates' sex is in the wrong relationship

Oh not this old chestnut again. No, love, I’m in the wrong body, the one the menopause stole the libido from. Nothing wrong with the relationship, everything wrong with the parts of the anatomy employed for sex.

@WoofAndWhiskers

Great insight into the male mind there @TomPinch

Yes - that was rather my point.

@IvinghoeBeacon

In a patriarchal society...

This is certainly one explanation for why hetero sex can feel like being used as a wanksock for many women

I expect so. But allowing onesself to be used as a wanksock strikes me as a very bad way to get what you want in bed and enjoy it. Don't take my word for it. A well-known sexologist - perhaps Esther Perel - said the same - women need to "rule the fuck" in her phrase.

Hmm, distinct lack of insight IMO

Reading this thread I think in hindsight I’ve probably had more bad sex than good sex. Yet although I’ve slept with really nice men and have had long term relationships I’ve realised that I’ve allowed them to get away with not really thinking about my needs. Unfortunately I was brought up by parents who told me that nice girls didn’t enjoy sex etc etc and now at 55 I’ve realised that they had a profound influence on how I have felt about sex.

That's a shame, Beansandcoffee. Your best years could lie ahead ....

I am not at all surprised that women don't want to sleep with their partners if their partners are only interested in their own pleasure. What's the point? I'm just surprised the women hang around!

I think like several pp have said this isn't a one issue discussion. What is true for one person is not true for another.

For me with exdh yes I probably did tolerate sex because when we first married he was a good man and I loved him. I say tolerate it's not as if I did it under duress but I wasnt overly bothered.

With dp it's a different ball game, I'm massively attracted and am far more up for sex, however we do have dry spells where it's nothing to do with the relationship but two full time jobs two DC, a6 stone weight gain then an eight stone loss for me , all of that impacted our sex life but not necessarily our relationship.

I know people who have been impacted by age and illness where others in similar circumstances haven't. I just dont think you can make any form of generalisation on this .