To think most women tolerate sex to keep their relationships

[penelopepitstopsgain]

I don't doubt there are many women, who enjoy the physical side of their relationships but I've spoken to so many who would rather just have a cuddle and a good book but submit, for want of a better word, to their partner for fear they'll stray or see it as their obligation- even I find that sometimes I really can't be bothered and lie to my partner that its my time of the month just to get some peace. I can see as I get older that I'd rather just have a companion rather than the constant pressure of sex - so am I alone in thinking this or just incredibly cynical or even possibly asexual? Vote
Yes = You're cynical
No = I can relate

My soon to be ex husband was dreadful in the bedroom and he didn't have much libido either - so much so I'd resigned myself to a sexless marriage however you can imagine my complete shock when he committed adultery!

I'm very happy that I'm now out of that relationship and can guarantee that if I ever settle down with a man again that sex - and good sex - is a very important part of the relationship, I'm only 38 so lots of libido left in me. He didn't like to talk about feelings either so with the lack of that and 'make up' sex its no wonder it went stale and I withdrew.

I settled - now I'm going to make sure whats important to me is kept important in the next relationship - until then I'm very happy on my own.

@MrsKoala I can completely understand that.

I honestly wouldn’t stay in a relationship like that, I’m quite sure that it would destroy me.

So it comes back to honesty, full disclosure and a commitment to truly loving and cherishing the person you’re with, and respecting them enough to tell them the truth and let them decide if they can live with it or not. And also being honest with yourself, first of all.

But I think that’s easier said than done for a lot of people - I appreciate that it’s much more straightforward for me as I don’t have children with my DH. My children are grown up now, so I really only need to consider my own happiness when evaluating whether or not to stay with a partner.

Mind you I did the difficult thing even when I did have children - After knowing with absolute certainty for two years that I was deeply unhappy and would probably ultimately become very unwell if I did not do something about it, and that I definitely did not love my then DH (who I should never have married in the first place, but I was young and stupid), I told him that we had to separate. I felt strongly that I owed it to myself, most importantly, to allow myself happiness, but also that I absolutely owed it to him to be honest with him and free him to find someone who would love him and fancy him and who would be properly happy with him.

We got divorced, because I wasn’t going to live in a marriage like that. That’s probably why I cherish the way I feel about my now DH so strongly, and why I’m determined never, ever to let it become just a platonic, lifeless, listless and passionless relationship. That absolutely wouldn’t be right for me.

Well generally on MM we don’t make personal attacks characterising people as odd nor do I think my “oddness” is relevant. So many men are shit at sex, is better understood as some PEOPLE of either sex aren’t great lovers. Take any issue with that you like but the odd ones and the “normal” ones will probably think you are either talking shite or agree with the sexist twaddle that women can’t be bad at sex because all we really are is an orifice and all we have to do is turn up. (I say “we” because I’m female but I’m sure there are men who will take either stance too)

I most certainly did not say you were odd. It is not a personal attack to say that I find something you say a bit odd. If you can’t handle people taking issue with your opinions then I think MN might not be for you; especially in discussions like this which are complex and highly subjective you need to be able to handle some opposition...

I’m really not interested in arguing, so I won’t engage further.

In a long-term relationship sex can get a bit stale, but as a bi woman I can tell you sex with men (for women) is rarely good. Men aren't good, or the dynamics of the sex isn't good. Hetero sex too often defaults to penetration and ends when he orgasms. I'd say to any couple who are having problems, stop penetration, for a few months even, to explore the rest of sexuality and developpe better habits.

(Apologies if that sounds overly combative - it’s really not meant that way. Shame as it’s a compelling subject and you’re saying some interesting things which probably warrant further exploration. But I’m just not going to get embroiled in exchanges where perfectly innocuous things I’ve said are misrepresented as personal attacks.)

Of course women can be bad a sex too.
Just because a man can orgasm easier, doesn't me you were a thrill a minute.
I don't think more men are shit and lazy either, plenty of women are either to shy to do much more than lay there, or worse think they don't really have to cos he will cum anyway....
Sex is much more fun if you both participate, for both sides.

This is SUCH an interesting topic to read!

I love my DH so much but I perhaps only had 'the spark' for a couple of years. I think it's because he is not the type to pester for sex and really, this is what I need or needed because I can't see it changing now.
I have recently met a man who I would so easily have sex with -I know that I'm craving the orgasm that I have never experienced.

So OP, I was going to comment when this thread first cropped up but was concerned the Fail or some other low rent rag would spot it and my in laws would twig
Anyway, sod it.

A year ago, I felt the same. DP and I have been together since I was in my late teens and he was in his 30s. He had had multiple relationships, one night stands and had done all the sexual gymnastics during his teens, twenties and early 30s. I had had 3 boyfriends and had been very vanilla when it came to sex. I was also very body negative at the time.
Over the years, children, tiredness, routine, it had gotten staler and more perfunctory. I've always been non adventurous.
I was very concerned that he didn't fancy me anymore and was finding it all dull. He would find it very difficult to maintain an erection and I felt that after the length of time we have been together, he was bored of me.
I actually sat him down and talked to him.
Since doing so, we agreed we both needed to make an effort. We have stopped having sex out of routine or feeling we were expected to. If one of us doesn't fancy it due to tiredness, we don't force it.
We also agreed to step it up a bit. We bought some things from Ann Summers and we've explored them together, it's been fun and funny at times but we are now both enjoying sex and making each other enjoy it again, in fact, I actually wish we had done this years ago.

@Ninkanink
If you can’t handle people taking issue with your opinions then I think MN might not be for you That’s kind of you, but I’ve been posting on MN for nearly 20 years and I think I’m ok. . I agree there is little value in our interacting further.

I definitely do not avoid sex with my husband because he is shit in bed, he is great in bed, takes care of me as well as himself and is very physically attractive.

My dislike of sex comes from me, I'm overweight and I hate it so sex is strictly lights off with covers over us, plus I'm not very good at it!! I refuse to go on top because I don't want him looking at me, I hate giving oral sex because it actually makes me want to heave the thought of putting someone's genitals in my mouth and I just find the whole thing messy and a chore.

Fair enough! And I didn’t mean no interaction at all - just not on this one particular point of argument.

It’s not really possible to cover all nuances on a subject like this on a discussion forum, because the medium itself is so limiting which often results in generalised shorthand and/or terminology that ends up confusing things. To do it proper justice one would likely need to write a full academic thesis! But overall I actually broadly agree with what I think you’re saying, so I don’t see the point in arguing over really quite inconsequential things.

I think hormones have a huge part to play in this, it's women who are pumped full of artificial ones for various reasons and a lot of these pills/implants/injections etc cause the libido to drop, as do anti depressants. They can also cause weight gain and other unpleasant side effects that doesn't leave people feeling very sexy.
The pill kills my libido stone dead but without it I get PMDD which they treatment for is antidepressants which you guessed ... kills my libido stone dead.
My DH isn't pushy or doesn't pressure me in anyway but I feel so sad for him that he's missing that part of our marriage.

I don't really like the assumption from some people that if a person or a couple doesn't want to have sex together that there is something wrong with them, their technique or their relationship. It can be a mutual decision based on the very simple fact that neither person enjoys sex. That doesn't make them defective or wrong - just want to be intimate is different ways.

Only one friend knows about mine and my partner's decision not to bother with sex and she not only understands, but feels the same way about her partner and relationship.

To all the people who are having fantastic sex with amazing partners - go ahead and enjoy. But for some of us, the reason why we think our partner is amazing is because they aren't interested in sex either.

I loved and desired my husband, and really enjoyed sex. It was like going into paradise for a while. We had a lot.

Sadly that wasn't enough to stop him cheating.

I don't really want to have sex with anyone else though, can't stand the thought of a strange body and for them to see my sags scars and stretch marks!

I am so sad at my marriage ending. It just really short circuited my loyalty chip. Those sags scars and stretch marks are battle scars for the beautiful children we created - why didn't he honour them?
I don't know how someone can announce 'I don't love you any more' and throw their family away because they are having a temper tantrum about other issues (getting old, not being rich, too few women, tired of responsibility, dreams not coming true) [least, I 'think' that was what it was about]

I don't think it will ever be something I am not sorry about.

Long winded answer to your question, sorry. Loved sex - but only with my husband

@GinDaddy I do agree with you ...

I adored my husbands penis. Loved it passionately, separate from him! Loved the purple lollipop, loved dressing up, loved the filming and the games.

Its about trust and feeling safe, innit? [Until I found out that was just in my head ...]

Men 'can' cheat on women who love and desire them, you know,

it is a myth that men only cheat because they aren't getting any ...

After my marriage ended I found it difficult to meet suitable new partners.

I tried going to galleries and the theatre and then found people in a similar situation to me at "Illicit Encounters"

Where have you looked ?
.

@BiBiBirdie good for you! If women (and men) can't share their feelings on an anonymous platform like MN without fear of outing that would be a shame.
Good to hear things are working out well for you.

I want sex more than my DH 🤷‍♀️ I'm usually the one to initiate it as well.

The DM have got hold of this. OP can you ask for the whole thread to be deleted?

Just because a man has an orgasm doesn't mean the woman he's having sex with is any good in bed.

Absolutely so much this.

They’re not going to delete the thread simply because the DM have featured it.

...which means the first thing I will say before continuing is be careful before posting any anecdotes!

There hasn't been much consideration of masturbation yet. But I reckon the stats are quite telling. Basically, men masturbate considerably more than women: according to this fivethirtyeight.com/features/dear-mona-i-masturbate-more-than-once-a-day-am-i-normal/ survey]] from Indiana University (scroll down for the tables).

For example: 36% of women aged 18 to 24 never masturbate. The stats for men is half (and I would have thought that on the high side). The percentage of men under 50 masturbating 4 times or more a week is between 10 - 20%: for women it is 0.7 to 5.

I think what this shows is that men's basic sexual desire (when emotional and other factors are out of the equation) is considerably greater than women's. Or to put it another way, the average man's sexual desire is a constant, whereas the average woman's needs a bit of cosseting and attention or else it goes missing.

Furthermore, while there has been a lot of talk on this thread about how women's sexual desire and expression was historically surpressed (and I agree this is true), the same is true of men's. For example, not that long ago, masturbation was thought to cause blindness, and things like circumcision or / and frightful looking medieval implements were used to prevent it.

So I think that factor is neutral.