To think most women tolerate sex to keep their relationships

[penelopepitstopsgain]

I don't doubt there are many women, who enjoy the physical side of their relationships but I've spoken to so many who would rather just have a cuddle and a good book but submit, for want of a better word, to their partner for fear they'll stray or see it as their obligation- even I find that sometimes I really can't be bothered and lie to my partner that its my time of the month just to get some peace. I can see as I get older that I'd rather just have a companion rather than the constant pressure of sex - so am I alone in thinking this or just incredibly cynical or even possibly asexual? Vote
Yes = You're cynical
No = I can relate

@Timetoletitgo99 why do you want the thread deleted?

I'ts a real shame the DM has picked up on this, as it's an important conversation for women (and men) to share without it being reduced to click bait.

For these reasons, I think the thread should stay as many people have expressed themselves so candidly, their views may help others realize their feelings are perfectly "normal" and educate others, as it certainly has done for me.

I don’t think personal information harvested from these threads should be used to sell the DM.

@ScreamingLadySutch your comment has broken my heart. I truly hope for nothing more than for you to find your happiness.

Different circumstances but after a difficult few years, all that’s left for us is the sex. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s rubbish. Not sure how to move forward as the rest of us is broken and I too can’t stand the idea of sharing my body with someone other than the father of my children.

Re masturbation. Interestingly the stats are very different in Sweden. Yes, there is still a sex based difference, but it's pretty small. There's a huge amount of socialisation that goes on around female sexuality/unacceptable self pleasuring. On a personal note, erm yeah maybe my 2-3 times a day is a touch outside the norm. Thank God I don't live in Indiana! For me, it's just routine, like brushing my teeth. Self care
At this point, let me recommend omgyes to anyone who wants a way to educate their teens about female orgasms and masturbation ...

It has everything to do with kindness and trust. I'm extremely wary of my DH, he has never cheated but he has hurt me too much to want sex with him.

@Tulipan I’m Danish and I think my Scandinavian mindset definitely factors heavily in my expectation of equality in all aspects of a relationship, and also helps a lot with being completely comfortable with my body and my sexuality.

@TheWashingMachine that is very sad. May I ask why you stay with someone who you fundamentally cannot trust to be good to you?

My DH and I have been together for nearly 25 years and have been through a huge amount together. I have always had a higher sex drive and am more adventurous se xually. Don't get me wrong when we do have sex it is very, very satisfying. However now we are in our 40s my drive seems to be ever increasing and his is virtually non existant. Before anyone asks/says - no he isn't having an affair - he genuinely just doesn't need it like I do. And I totally and utterly understand those partners who feel rejected, who feel like they are climbing the walls with sexual frustration - because masturbation is not the same. It is extremely difficult to live with in a marriage - I am extremely lucky if we have sex once a fortnight, it is more likely to be once a month or even once every 2 to 3 months. I love my husband and we have spoken about it but I am just not sure if there is a solution. It is hard to live with. I would say my own innate confidence and body confidence has certainly diminished over the past few years because of all the knockbacks. Just a different viewpoint.

Oh no!! I love sex. I absolutely love everything about it.

My sex drive is often higher than male partners. I also have had female partners. I would hate to miss out on that side of a relationship.

Perhaps being bisexual I don't see sex as one partner 'submitting' to another. Sex is hopefully a mutually enjoyable and equal activity.

I dont do cuddles and would certainly not give up sex for a book. Been together with DH 19 years and it is built upon lust.

I thought women enjoy orgasms as much as men, we are all human

I do think however it's my last decade and then I'll be too ugly old to do it so maybe he'll have to find someone else and I'll have to, I dont know, take up gardening or something

So, currently 56% of 2922 respondents to the OP's poll agree with the OP that most women just tolerate sex to keep their relationships. Interesting how people vote when a poll is anonymous.

Or maybe if (some) women were honest about their wants and needs. The more we fake orgasms and pretend a man can make us come quicker, the more a man is going to think he is doing a great job and doesn't need to try so much. Usually because he's a one-minute man.

I am not easily pleased and have no qualms telling a partner that, in future.

An ex-partner of mine used to come in about three minutes. Extremely frustrating! But he made no effort to try and rectify this and I honestly felt like he was just off loading on me! Yuk! That in turn, turned me off, which he translated as me not wanting him...and you can see how the story ends..

@Tulipan

Are you sure? After I read your post I did some googling, and all I could find was this survey which doesn't seem to have dealt with frequency of masturbation specifically, and this article whch says 50% of Swedesh men masturbate several times a week but only 12% percent of women.

A quick google turns up various surveys, all of which report men jacking off considerably more than women. While I would expect that women would under-report in particularly conservative parts of the world (although I expect men would too) I don't see why this would be the case in Sweden.

(and of course I think anyone who doesn't is missing out...)

@ABlackRussian

Someone further up the thread said that in her experience men could get quite arsey when she told them to do things a bit differently. If their previous partners lay there supine, faking their orgasms, I could see why being told their technique was actually lacking would come as an unpleasant surprise to them. Not to excuse their arseyness.

If only....🙄
Very true LettertoHermione. I’ve tried everything and now I’ve given up. I ‘just’ feel depressed, miserable and neglected now.

I bet your google history looks interesting, @TomPinch ...

I went back to look and found this, which I thought was interesting
sciencenorway.no/forskningno-norway-old-age/norwegian-grandparents-masturbate-a-lot-according-to-european-research-on-the-sex-lives-of-elders/1457352
You can see how culture plays such a massive role in sexuality. The comments about Portuguese men's approach to sex were a bit depressingly traditional. Can you imagine finding sex with men worthwhile if that's all you get ...'wham bam'...

I also found this unscientific survey which has women in the south east wanking the most
www.google.com/amp/s/www.konbini.com/en/amp/lifestyle/women-masturbate-poll/

So far I can see my roots must be Scandinavia via South East England. I also feel duty bound to point out this isn't counting number of orgasms and women can be easily multiorgasmic so it's quite possible even though women might masturbate less they might cum more.

I also found out that better educated people masturbate more. Makes sense

I found out lots of things! Mostly that, while you are right men seem to masturbate more (this has never been my personal experience and does explain the looks I get off lovers) but that it is very culturally bound.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.www.complex.com/life/2016/05/study-men-women-masturbation-habits

This was the article I read about Swedish masturbation. I can't say I chased down the original source. I was interested in cultural differences as your initial source was from some mid west usa place and I've always found Americans to be hugely uptight about sex in general. I wanted to see what people in northern europe had to say on the matter.

All this 'research' has really surprised me. I can really see why websites like omgyes are so necessary to inform young people, especially young women, about female pleasure and self pleasuring. Societal pressures are shit!

Who knows?

I like sex, but I don't love it. Always been that way. DP has a higher sex drive than me. We sometimes do make love when I know I'd actually rather a good book & a hot chocolate but it doesn't bother me as I'm never pressured. He's kind and loving man so I don't see sex as a chore, or necessary to keep the relationship. Even if I'm not quite in the mood, I enjoy the closeness. & I fancy him anyway. If I really don't feel like sex it's no problem, we just have a cuddle.

I'm not sure you can generalise re women and sex.

The thing about masturbation stats is they can be a bit of a red herring regarding whether someone wants sex. All they prove is how often someone wants to orgasm not how they want to get it. I think it’s probably fair to say that even those in personally chosen sexless or lower sex relationships probably still masturbate even when sex would be an option.

I have known quite a few people who prefer ‘self care’ to sex with their partner. Masturbation is not always because someone can’t get sex. The 2 are often separate things to people.

I think women should largely be responsible for their own orgasms during sex, which requires a willingness to, er, masturbate a bit. It seems some men take this as a personal affront to their masculinity though.

Why should women largely be responsible for their own orgasm during sex? If we look at sex as a pleasurable activity for both parties to engage in together why should the woman have to make herself come? Why should the man get his orgasm directly by virtue of her body without a reciprocal regard for her pleasure?

@Timetoletitgo99 whereas I think it’s a very good reminder to NEVER post your personal and private anecdotes on a board read by millions and then copied into newspapers. People are too easily lulled into a false sense of security on here, and if something like this being picked up by the DM makes them use their brain in future then I’m all for it!

Ninkanink
I think people are saying that if a woman can't doesn't know how to bring herself to orgasm then how is anyone else supposed to know?

I was replying directly to @Scott72. Should have tagged to make it clear.

@MrsKoala yes, there was another article I read that was about that. Women in relationships with emotional intimacy masturbated less often.
I was looking for info about non hetero women to see if it was different (after all, lesbians orgasm more in partnered sex) and found www.autostraddle.com/queer-women-masturbate-a-lot-and-other-self-pleasure-related-findings-from-our-lesbian-sex-survey-285414/
this non scientific article. I thought the reasons it suggested for differences were interesting.

I think partners generally find a way to match each other's sexual drives. If I didn't feel like it I know DH would feel rejected if I didn't, and he always makes sure I enjoy it and am glad we had that moment of intimacy. So I do push myself when I don't feel like it and always end up glad I did for both our sakes. If I really don't want sex DH is fine with a cuddle.