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Original poster

To think most women tolerate sex to keep their relationships

518 replies

penelopepitstopsgain · 25/02/2020 14:34

I don't doubt there are many women, who enjoy the physical side of their relationships but I've spoken to so many who would rather just have a cuddle and a good book but submit, for want of a better word, to their partner for fear they'll stray or see it as their obligation- even I find that sometimes I really can't be bothered and lie to my partner that its my time of the month just to get some peace. I can see as I get older that I'd rather just have a companion rather than the constant pressure of sex - so am I alone in thinking this or just incredibly cynical or even possibly asexual? Vote
Yes = You're cynical
No = I can relate

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 26/02/2020 21:36

I have been in a similar-sounding situation as @MrMysterious. The sex that is.

I tried to stick it out for various reasons. but it ultimately came to an end. I really enjoy sex, I don't associate it with proving myself worthy of someone. And when someone fully controls your sex life like this, it's like your always trying to do everything right, in the hopes of being thrown a couple of scraps. And that's what it starts to feel like. At least in a sub/dom relationship, there's a safe-word (yea I know off topic!!).

You go for a cuddle. And they somehow 'reject' you. It's not always in an obvious physical way. You can feel they aren't relaxed. You're not expecting anything other than a cuddle. The constant rejection starts to be too much. You try and talk and they say nothing is wrong. Everything is fine. Then you get to the point of not bothering anymore to cuddle.

It's all parts of intimacy that get withdrawn. The holding hands, curling up together watching crap on tv, there for each other when you're ill. It's the basic intimacy that shows you care about each other. Something that isn't there with other people in your life.

MrsKoala · 26/02/2020 21:47

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Alsohuman · 26/02/2020 21:59

I think that’s missing the point. If the only time your partner touches you or shows any affection is as a prelude to sex, it’s a turn off. It’s the touch in passing, the spontaneous hug, the hand holding without any expectation of anything more that make you feel valued and loved and that old fashioned word - cherished. If it’s regarded as work, the relationship is probably beyond hope.

lul37 · 26/02/2020 22:12

@MrsKoala I agree with you that men and women should be equal. What I meant was that it's can be very frustrating for the wife only to be shown an 'affection' when her DP wants sex. For example, I can't remember the last time my DH was content just cuddling full stop without him expecting it to turn into sex. So after a while this has turned me off him because I want to feel connected to him on a mental level and he's not simply not trying or interested. It's not about trying to win someone over. I'm exposing that a lot more women (me included), would be more happy having sex if our emotional needs were met, and yes they are complex emotional needs and will take the right guy to figure them out.

Vanhi · 26/02/2020 22:14

As for cuddles, why would I cuddle someone who doesn't want to be physical with me?

My DP and I cuddle because cuddling is a lovely thing for both of us. Sometimes it leads to sex but very often it's cuddling for the sake of cuddling. I don't withdraw this just because sometimes he's tired and distracted and doesn't want sex. I just enjoy the hug for what it is.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 26/02/2020 22:18

Too many people say “men are like this” and “women are like that” as a way of simply talking about themselves.

Men just want sex and women want love? In my experience it is often the other way around....

Scott72 · 26/02/2020 22:21

How many men would want to stay in a relationship knowing their wife is merely feigning enjoyment? And how many men would want to commit or get married if there was a general acknowledgement that most women fairly soon lose all sexual desire for him - unless he can somehow manage to negotiate some unknown process which serve to keep her desire alive.

YourWinter · 26/02/2020 22:24

I separated from exDH over 20 years ago, had a couple of very brief relationships since, and one lasting four years, single and celibate for the last 12 years. Only my most recent relationship was in the 'can't keep our hands off each other' category, perhaps because it was a secretive one for a while that we didn't want our respective kids to know about. Brilliant sex, brilliant fun relationship, but it wasn't marriage. I can certainly identify with having felt, during marriage, like saying 'Can you just get on with it and let me go to sleep'. It's an attitude it's difficult to come back from, and it sends men, and women, looking elsewhere for the passion that's missing at home.

Tulipan · 26/02/2020 22:36

@Scott72 yes, perhaps we are getting closer to honest conversations about how realistic monogamy is. There are some interesting books about this, like 'Mating in Captivity', but I personally would like more openness to concepts of 'monogamish' as a way to deal with the reality of women's need for more variety to maintain libido.

winniestone37 · 26/02/2020 22:40

I wouldn’t want to draw conclusions about all women based on a few people I know tbh. I think it’s far more complain that the op’s post suggests though. For myself as I begin an early menopause and my husband and I both deal with the death of a parent I find both our sex drives ebb and flow. I love being close to him though and sex is a good way to do that. I generally always initiate and if left to him we would have sex a lot less. I love sex still and am enjoying how it feels as I get a bit older.

Original poster
penelopepitstopsgain · 26/02/2020 22:53

Wow the pendulum shifts further towards those who can relate...an interesting observation is that whilst we can enjoy lots of things and take them or leave them as our life stages change, sex is one of the only areas where societal pressure suggests should be constant.

My dream scenario would be to have an attractive man, good at DIY, who connected with me emotionally, stimulated me mentally, loved travel, cuddles and kissing and that's it!

I wonder if there was a dating site entitled "kissing & cuddles only" how many men vs women it would attract ? (perhaps a business idea to explore) Grin

OP posts:
Toomuchtrouble4me · 26/02/2020 23:00

Marred 22 years. Used to love sex but I really am just not interested any more. I make myself make time for him and sex on a fairly regular basis because its important to him, but I'd really rather not. However, marriage is full of compromise.
Could I do without sex? Absolutely.
He can't, its important to him and I have choices:
1/Tell him to go elsewhere for sex - would destroy our marriage
2/Refuse to have sex - It's important to him, and it would be destructive over time
3/Have sex on a fairly regular basis (7-10days) because I don't want to make him miserable and I don't hate it, I'm just disinterested.

hbock · 26/02/2020 23:04

Both of us second marriage and retired still enjoying sex, but having a very understanding husband, so when I do not want I tell him and he understand - likewise when I like I tell him and this seems to work well for both of us

Shakespearesbrother · 26/02/2020 23:07

I think too many people, both male and female settle for something ok rather than someone they absolutely fancy the pants off. if you get with someone who you sexually connect with the rest can be worked on.

Timetoletitgo99 · 26/02/2020 23:57

I’ve been married over 30 years. We married after four years together in which we had an enthusiastic sex life. However I never felt passionate about him. Once we got married and I got pregnant fairly soon afterwards, I just started to lose interest. He was working, I was at home in a unfamiliar place with no friends. I lost my sense of being an autonomous person and became subsumed by the needs of the children. Sex was infrequent and I was often reluctant. I felt our lives were all about him and his career and that killed my interest.
Once menopause kicked in sex became painful. I developed endless UTIs and constant thrush. We had an awful lot of stress in our lives due to other factors.
We now haven’t had sex in nearly a year. Every time I psyche myself up to ‘do it’ he comes on too heavy and I panic. I hate feeling like a factory for a
mans satisfaction. It’s my fault because for a long time Inhave just wanted it to be over with and impatient at attempts by him to satisfy me. He’s lost confidence as a result and it’s all just gone badly wrong. We really love each other, but our
Sex life is dead in the water. I know he’s really upset about it and so am I really, but I don’t think either of us knows what to do.

di2004 · 27/02/2020 00:36

I’d rather have a glass of wine and a bar of galaxy - hits the spot every time!

DuploTower · 27/02/2020 01:48

Esther Perel is great on this subject, she has books/YouTube talks/a podcast.

Her books Mating in Captivity and After the Affair - Rethinking Infidelity.

She talks about the paradoxes of long term relationship, how our need for security and familiarity is just as important as the need for novelty and adventure, but one stifles the other. She also has an interesting quote "women don't go off sex, they go off the sex that they can have" or something to that effect, saying that research shows that women do lose sexual interest in their partners (generally) faster than their male partners lose sexual interest in them. Which kind of runs counter to what we're told about women, who it seems craves novelty more than men. Which is what society tells us.

Anyway. She's worth a read/listen if you're tolerating sex. Podcast is called Where do We Begin.

I think there's an excellent case for open relationships - Alan De Botton is good on this. But concedes that it's just never going to work for the majority.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2020 02:48

The best sexual chemistry I ever had with a bloke, he turned out to be an abusive bastard and luckily for me he fucked off with someone else after a few months, not because of bad sex but because he found someone else he preferred to abuse. He still tried to come round to mine for several months afterwards because he owed me money (like thousands) and every time he would bring money he would try and get sex for it. It was disgusting behaviour!

So no, I don't necessarily agree that fancying someone the most is the best prelude to a good relationship.

happybunny03 · 27/02/2020 03:58

I was never massively in lust in with my partner in the first place. Like may be a few, I married him because he was stable, reasonably ok looking, we enjoyed each others company, I wanted to be married and start a family - we started going out when I was 34.5 and I was 36 when we married.
I’ve gone off sex: I don’t have that electric/sexual feeling for him (not sure I ever did), I don’t find him that good in bed (foreplay doesn’t last long, penetration doesn’t feel great, when he puts on a bit of weight his erection isn’t as strong) and finally I have a toddler and I’m also pregnant so feel too tired and uncomfortable.
I sometimes dream of ex lovers and other men... I’ve had a reasonable amount of ex lovers before I met DH, but to be honest there are only 2, may be 3, that I’m really turned on by - I was strongly sexually attracted to them (their personality and looks) and they were good in bed. I’m not attracted to a great number of men like that tbh. Those 2 (or 3) were incredibly masculine and sexy.
At some point in the future I’m going to sit down with my DH and tell him what I really want in bed. It will include him taking on a certain role/behaviour. I hope he can fulfil and it won’t be too forced.
Note that I sometimes think about straying, but the men I want are often out of my league so it wouldn’t happen! Also I think it’s just a fantasy I like to play with... I’m not sure I could hurt my husband without at least speaking with him first.

happybunny03 · 27/02/2020 04:04

In addition to the above, it’s worth noting that my husband is naturally messy and bit forgetful which annoys me. I think that may also have an impact on my overall desire of him. I will mention that too when I speak to him. I hope I don’t sound petty, but after a while these things grate.

NeptuneNessa · 27/02/2020 05:04

I've got 3 very close friends who I've known for decades, all of them have had periods of not wanting to have sex, especially when the menopause kicked in.

They all have long, strong, relationships with their husbands. I think communicating how you're feeling, if you're having a dip in your libido, is essential in a relationship.

hopefulhalf · 27/02/2020 05:27

I was never massively in lust in with my partner in the first place. Like may be a few, I married him because he was stable, reasonably ok looking, we enjoyed each others company, I wanted to be married and start a family - we started going out when I was 34.5 and I was 36 when we married

I think this is critical DH and I were 22 &23 when we met. We have always fancied each other. We also both keep ourselves fanciable (healthy BMI play sport regularly) which TBH probrably means sex is physical easier/ more rewarding.

blubberball · 27/02/2020 05:30

I have been in these situations. I was never very interested in sex, and just did it to please the other person. I could have happily gone the rest of my life without sex.

Then I met my dp, and I can't get enough of him. I love exploring with him and trying new things. Never felt this way before.

Not sure what will happen in the long term, as the relationship is still pretty new.

Scott72 · 27/02/2020 06:34

"I think there's an excellent case for open relationships"

Open relationships would tend to advantage women, just as traditional monogamous relationships tended to advantage men. The two genders are quite different in their needs and desires, it seems difficult to find something that would satisfy both.

CoalCraft · 27/02/2020 06:53

I've always had a slightly higher libido than my husband, like I would want it every 2-3 days while he is content with once, maybe twice a week. It was similar with my ex (only other long term partner I've had). It's not a big deal for me and dh as the difference is slight, but...

I've had two friends close enough to confide their sexual worries to me. One was a woman wondering why her bf was no longer interested in sex, the other was a man wondering how to reject his new gf's sexual advances, because she was trying to move faster than he was comfortable with.

So from that teeny sample size, it seems to me that it's more often the woman that wants more sex. In reality I expect it happens in both directions, frequently.