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AIBU to change DS' birthday when he's too young to decide?

309 replies

tempnamechange98765 · 25/02/2020 13:14

DS is 4 and his birthday is Boxing Day. Up until last year his birthday has always been fine, if inconvenient, but last year it really was rubbish that we couldn't do anything special on the day due to nothing being open. We're always at my DParents as we go there Christmas Day and it's not an option to not stay there Christmas Day night (two DCs who go to bed early).

This year just gone the weather was rubbish so we couldn't even go out for a nice walk or play in the garden. Because my DParents get to see him on his birthday it's only fair that we invite ILs too, who although I get along with them, they are a pain. I have a good relationship with my own DParents but they're a bit fussy/controlling on Christmas and his birthday (understandably so I guess as it's at their house!) so it's always been us/them awkwardly hosting ILs. Which was fine when DS was little but as he gets older he doesn't like too much fuss/formality, he only has baby DS so no other children to play with, so on his last birthday he really misbehaved due to being bored/having cabin fever/having had far too many presents and focus just on Christmas Day let alone more on his birthday. I felt sad for him as we couldn't make it special.

In comparison we've just celebrated other DS' first birthday, and although he's too young to care, we were able to do it exactly as we wanted - balloons, a banner and a pile of presents waiting for him when he woke up, and we all went to lunch and softplay. Simple, but lovely, and older DS would've loved that as his own birthday.

Would I be unreasonable to change DS' birthday to a couple of days later, say the 28th of December? We would be at home and all the Christmas presents would be unpacked/put away, everything would be open again so we could go to softplay/lunch/McDonald's/museum/whatever HE wants to do, and we would have control over the day with it being in our house so could make it special, no pressure on him.

OP posts:
MidniteMessenger · 27/02/2020 03:54

Fgs OP stop going to your parents every Christmas and make Boxing Day special at HOME for your son!
Why on earth are you not seeing the real problem?

NearlyGranny · 27/02/2020 06:20

DD2 was born on Christmas Day itself (at lunchtime!) and from 6 months I did a half-birthday party for her on June 26th. We called it her strawberry party and I did her a half cake with half a candle. It was great because she could have outdoor stuff going on. Her actual birthday was more low key, obviously, but not forgotten. She did quite well out of it and it carried on into her mid teens.

Any excuse for a party!

Toomboom · 27/02/2020 06:43

My son's birthday is also just after Christmas. Not an ideal time to arrange anything :) But you can't change his birthday!
When he was younger [ now an adult ] we also did a "half birthday" i July. Much better as more chance of people attending and things open.
We never asked or expected anyone to buy him anything for his "half birthday", but just used it as a celebration.

karenjkayjay · 27/02/2020 07:04

Why not just have Christmas in your own home, makes more sense.

YellowBeryl · 27/02/2020 08:05

My DD's birthday is end of July so always fell at the beginning of the school summer holidays when a lot of her friends were on holiday. So, we always had her party before term ended and a quiet family celebration on her actual birthday.

Damntheman · 27/02/2020 08:14

You can still make his birthday special even if you're at your parents' house and it's boxing day. Just make a fuss of him, you can still buy in balloons, have a big cuddle in bed for his birthday, give him his birthday gifts, let him help to make his own cake. There's plenty you can do.

You don't have to have the in laws round, you can do that early in January. My oldest has a birthday that's bang in the middle of school summer holidays so we're always in the UK for that. We invite the ILs round on a saturday a week or two after we get home and make another cake and he has another birthday celebration. He loves having two days! (three really given he also gets school friend party usually before school breaks for summer). You're overthinking this OP :)

Crazyunicornlady · 27/02/2020 08:18

Lots of kids and adults have their birthday party on a different day due to school/work etc. Keep the celebrations simple on his actual birthday and have a secondary party at a later date where he can pick an activity. I think YABU to make such a big deal of a fairly normal situation that most families just deal with.

angieloumc · 27/02/2020 09:03 your MIL looks after your son once a week and you're complaining she sees him plenty. She's doing you a favour.
It seems to me you want your DC to see lots of your parents but not your IL's. How goes your DH feel about that?

angieloumc · 27/02/2020 09:05

*does, not goes.
No grandparents don't have 'rights' to see their DGC on birthdays but you want your parents to.

Aglet · 27/02/2020 10:12

If he were old enough to ask, I'm pretty sure he would be happy to change the day. To me, it really wouldn't matter a fig. My mother didn't have a birth certificate for years, so celebrated her birthday on roughly the date she thought it was. Imagine her shock, horror when she found out she had been celebrating 6 days early!!!! No. It made no difference whatsoever. She was still a year older each time.

DoAllMeerkatsComeFromRussia · 27/02/2020 11:14

Yes, get him in the habit of knowing his birthday will be celebrated on a different day. When he gets older he may just ask to have it on the proper day and that will be up to him. You can't tell him it is the 28th or whatever because he'll see his birth certificate eventually.

But... mine is the 21st and my youngest DC is the 30th. And frankly they're both crap too so there's not a lot to be gained from moving it a couple of days IMO.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 27/02/2020 11:20

You're looking at the odd way to fix this here, rather than focusing on making sure you are somewhere he can have a birthday he enjoys on Boxing Day. Change your Christmas plans, not his birthday.


Bollockingfuck · 27/02/2020 12:59

My son was born a few days before Christmas so we always move his party or any celebrations to the weekend before. That’s when he gets his presents and cake and sometimes we do the big day out in November as that falls between his and his brother’s birthday.

I always check with him if he’s happy to have his birthday early or have if in his real day - he would much rather have it sooner and then look forward to Christmas. On his actual birthday he gets to choose what we have for tea with a nice pudding. That’s it. The actual day is just a normal day because it’s been celebrated already.

Op could do the same but celebrate a week after Christmas. It’s really not a big deal - you can even build excitement for it saying you will enjoy Christmas gifts for a week then have birthday presents too - how lucky and special! And friends will be back from visiting relatives and available to come to the party.

tempnamechange98765 · 27/02/2020 13:10

angieloumc are you a scorned parent in law by any chance?

If it were up to me (and DH, actually), DS1 would do an extra day in nursery instead of MIL having him. We keep the peace and avoiding upsetting her this way - there's several reasons I'm not overly happy about it which I won't go into on here as it's not relevant, but she doesn't look after baby DS2 as well for precisely those reasons.

And I've said several times that we are going to be going OUT on Boxing Day in future, just the 4 of us. Just the 4 of us means me, DH and the DSs. My parents don't mind not seeing him on his birthday as they know it's about him and not them - no one saw DS2 on his birthday recently as we had lunch and softplay out as a family, just the 4 of us.

I said in my opening post that I get along fine with my in laws, despite not liking them much which I think is clear from this thread. A colleague has been on the receiving end of NC from her child and hasn't met her grandchildren, and I see the devastation it causes. I would never do that to anyone in my family/in laws or otherwise, but I'm allowed an opinion on my in laws and to not factor them in when I'm planning my own childrens birthdays. I've not been assertive enough up until now and they've always been this entitled, since the minute DS1 was born. We've learned our lesson and given them more of a wide berth/boundaries when it comes to DS2.

OP posts:
tempnamechange98765 · 27/02/2020 13:12

I love the idea of summer presents though and just cards and cake or a small gift on the day, as that's what we ended up doing last year by accident anyway - in the summer we bought DS a scooter and a trampoline for the garden, and on his birthday from us he just got a small toy and a book. He still got a ridiculous amount from other family though, both sets of grandparents included, so I think from close family at least we'll either specify money/vouchers for him to spend in the summer, or invite them to give gifts in the summer instead of on his birthday. Or failing that just keep the presents back for him to open on a later date!

OP posts:
Upherefordancing · 27/02/2020 13:12

I have a DS16 and a DD13, both born on New Year's Day!

After their first birthday together we just decided to give them a summer birthday instead, and we slot it between my DF's and DH's in the first week of June.

They've never complained!

angieloumc · 27/02/2020 13:15

No I'm not a 'scorned' PIL though I do have two DIL's and I would be very upset if they treated me with the contempt you treat yours.

Rachel1874 · 27/02/2020 13:22

Why not make a big fuss on his half birthday instead. But I wouldn't be telling him that his birthday is a day it isn't. But just give him an extra day where they is nothing else around so he feels like he is treated the same.

NorthbyNorthwest22 · 27/02/2020 14:05

Growing up my sons best friend had a Christmas eve birthday. He had cards and presents on his actual birthday but would have a party or special day trip out on the first Saturday of the summer holidays. This worked well for them until he became not bothered with needing to celebrate in the same way, I think he was about 12 or 13. My son went on several birthday outings with the family and they would take a cake and party picnic to places like the zoo or Alton Towers. Its whatever works best for your family...

tempnamechange98765 · 27/02/2020 14:41

You would be upset if they were perfect pleasant and civilised towards you despite the fact that one of you shows zero interest anyone including the DGC, and the other one (MIL) has been very tricky over the years but is still included in everything (hence why every year they've been invited to my parents' house on Boxing Day) and given childcare responsibilities (despite the fact that her DS and DIL would prefer not to?). You would be upset with this? Ok then. You're hard to please!

OP posts:
angieloumc · 27/02/2020 14:49

I'm not hard to please. Neither I or my DIL behave like this so it hasn't happened.
I'm sorry it's difficult for you and hope you can manage the problems in the future.
Glad you've decided on plans for your DS's birthday.

tempnamechange98765 · 27/02/2020 15:04

Well quite, it's impossible to compare if you have a mutually positive relationship, which I aim to have with any future DIL/SILs of mine. Thank you.

OP posts:
Littlemissamy · 27/02/2020 17:06

My birthday is Boxing Day. It’s always been fine. We do family stuff, saw my grandparents, went for dinner or whatever. Then if I wanted a party or a day out, we just did it a different day. You’re making this into something it’s not.

EC22 · 27/02/2020 17:09

His birthday is Boxing Day. That won’t change.
Make the most of it.

Charlotteskye · 27/02/2020 17:20

You csnt change his birthday but you can celebrate it earlier or later. Whats this about the in laws being a pain ? I really get upset because i think in laws are labelled. Im sure theyre really nice people who just love to help out. If theyre not very nice people im sure they wouldnt have produced a lovely son who you went on to marry. Give us in laws a break. We will never come higher in the pecking order than your own parents but give them a chance.

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