Are people who treat their pets as children, when they have living children, a bit odd?

[Namechangeforthehellofit]

I’ll start this thread by saying I’ve NC’d as I think my mother is actually on here, and I’m talking about people who have children who are ALIVE and available to see.

My M is an active member of a dog rescue group, she often holds large fundraising events, and sponsors dogs from foreign countries to be brought over here for a better life.
I have absolutely no issues with this at all, it makes her happy, and I always volunteer my time for the cause when her events are on.

However the group she is on, on FB, is full of bizarre posts when they use strange language such as ‘Hello Hoomins!’ and ‘I wuvs woo’ when posting as their pets, and refer to them as their children, fur babies and ‘dogters’.
They seem to spend all of their time with their animals, and that is fair enough if you don’t have children/grandchildren/other people in your life, however some of these have young children or grandchildren they could be spending time with.

My own mother has had 4 dogs, 3 from the rescue she fundraisers for, and she is guilty of treating her pets as children.

Actually, they’re prioritised and treated better than her two children.
She’s not suffered a loss of a child or had them there as a way of coping about another loss, so no it’s nothing like that, that’s a totally different kettle of fish so I’m not interested in those stories.

2 died recently, a ratty little one who hated everybody except her (not through lack of trying) and a childhood dog who we all felt the loss of.
Now she has gone into a depressed state of mourning.
Weirdly, she didn’t even mourn her own father like this. He’s still in the plastic jar he came back from the crematorium in.

One of the people she knows from the group posted on her wall when her birthday cake around saying how she was sorry she wouldn’t have her babies with her on her special day. I have to say I was a bit confused, as she has two ACTUAL children she would be spending time with in the day.
She has a shrine for the dogs with pictures and candles scattered about, and they sit on a shelf in wooden boxes.
She’s had pretty much every day to see her children and grandchildren, but makes excuses regarding her dogs as to why she cannot go out/meet up/have visitors, come over.
I understand that after a while, pets are seen as part of the family, but to prioritise them above your actual children is baffling to me!
I have a pet and whilst I love him dearly, and would be heartbroken should he die, I wouldn’t choose them over my children.

So, I thought I’d put this out there and add a poll, I’m expecting to be slaughtered as I know a great majority of MN are avid animal lovers.

YABU - People who treat their dogs as children, despite having their own, are perfectly normal.
YANBU - People who treat their pets as children, despite having their own, are a bit odd.

My own mother has had 4 dogs, 3 from the rescue she fundraisers for, and she is guilty of treating her pets as children

This stood out to me. I think you're projecting and the true issue for you is that you feel your DM puts her pets above you, and you resent this.

YABU to judge how others treat or regard their pets, and YABVU to judge the right way to grieve for a person vs a pet - it can be very complicated and personal.

I'm with you - I think it's bizarre. My PIL are always making excuses about how they can't come and see their 6 month old grandson because of the dogs. Which would be fine if they didn't then moan and guilt trip my DH about us not making any effort to see them (despite the fact that we don't have a car, the journey by public transport is a pain especially with a baby and my DH is very allergic to dogs).

Oh, no I really don’t care, my M and I don’t see eye to eye thanks to the horrendous beatings I had as a child.

My sister however seems very upset, they are relatively close, but my M in her own words ‘can’t be arsed’ seeing her and DN’s.

I just think it’s strange.

I also appreciate the irony of now saving dogs from abroad who have been beaten and mistreated, when she treated her children in the same way.

Meh.

While I'd never refer to my dog as s 'furbaby' (shudder) I do view my dog as a child, only to a slightly lesser extent than my own children.

My dcs are teens. My dog is with me 24/7. We are out together for hours, we have our own social life together with other dogs and friends we've met along the way. It's a huge part of my day.

I'm still 100% there for my dcs but the don't need me 24/7 like they did when they were little.

I worry about my dog in a similar to the dcs. For instance if he was ill I would stay up all night just to check on him.

Maybe I am mad?

Is it time for the weekly dog thread already?

Crossposts with your last post.

I didn't obviously realise your DM used to beat you! In that respect YANBU to find it odd that she acts this way.

She’s not suffered a loss of a child or had them there as a way of coping about another loss, so no it’s nothing like that, that’s a totally different kettle of fish so I’m not interested in those stories.

You don’t know what she’s suffered, in all fairness. However close you are to your children, you don’t necessarily share every detail of your adult life, especially things that happened before your children were born. She could be using the dogs to try to overcome any number of traumas you know nothing about.

It’s sad if she’s not seeing her grandchildren though. I think you need to find ways to tackle that, as a separate issue to the dogs.

My dog is definitely a 2nd child substitute and I do talk babyish to him (much to his disgust) But I dont call him furbaby or let him my bed.

I don't know. You aren't a small child so I can understand lavishing your attention on your pets. I can also understand grieving after a pet's death.

I imagine there's a backstory that has led to you feeling you have to compete with your mum's pets for her affection.

I think it's weird too. My sister is like this. She has treated her own children, and everyone else in her life, appallingly. Then constantly yaps on about how animals are so loving and people are awful. Well, you know, you get what you give. When you raise your children in squalor with dog shit on the floor, and them getting the cold shoulder in school because they smell so bad, don't be surprised that when they grow up they move far away and don't want to come to visit.

@mynameiscalypso - Does your DH not call them out on this? That sounds like a very tiring dynamic.

@Sonichu - PET thread, I only have experiences with Dogs. Feel free to add a cat/snake/hamster story.

Huge drip feed about the beating there. That’s terrible and I’m very sorry you had to go through it. Have you had counselling for that? Then, seeing her give love to something else might be less painful to you (and I suspect this is the crux of the issue rather than whether she’s now unreasonable).

Having read your update, I think a better question would be why your mum didn't treat you in a more loving way. The issue is nothing to do with the dogs.

I have fur babies, feather babies and my equine baby, I also have a 5 month old baby.
I don’t see what harm it does?

Clearly you have some highly toxic family dynamics but I don’t see anything wrong with people referring to pets as babies in general.

@musicposy - I can assure you, with great certainty, she has not had a loss of anything child related. I was her first at 17, and after suffering many losses myself and my sister also going through one and being told to ‘get over it’ and ‘aren’t you done with the crying yet?’ despite her saying she wouldn’t know how we feel, I can absolutely say she has no clue.

I have no desire to loom for her attention, however my sister has called me this morning after being let down by her again.

When I first started using the internet I was part of a hobby mailing list on Yahoo (it was that long ago), and another member often used to post about her children. She had seven, and they seemed to be having a terrible time - always ill, being tormented by the neighbours, never saw their fathers. Some people sent her money to pay for the medical bills of all these sick children - she was in the US so it made sense there might be some. Anyhoo, one day, one of the 'children' was killed in a road accident, and she was distraught. Of course, everyone sympathised because it sounded horrendous, but as she told us more it became clear, this wasn't a human child, it was a cat.

She was utterly bonkers. I'd guess she had some issues that made her behave like this, and it was sad. But still bonkers.

As long as the children are loved too I don’t see a problem with it. I loved my dog so much, I’d had him since I was 8 years old and he died a few weeks ago aged 18. My DS was 20 months old when DDog died and I loved them both as my children. I didn’t love him any less just because I had a child, we still cuddled and went on walks etc. Love is not finite, just like if I went on to have 5 more kids it doesn’t mean I will run out of love so I’ll love the first 4 more than the last. It was painful losing him, he was my shadow and followed me everywhere, he’s got me through everything in life so yes I am grieving him. I think your problems stem from your mum being a rubbish mother, not because she adored her dogs. I am a good mother as well as an adoring dog mum, you can do both.

Also the ‘drip feed’ isn’t really relevant to the question, I’m not asking if my M is mad, I’m asking if it’s odd that people treat their animals as actual children. The whole clothes, gifts, baby-ish language, barrage of photos and videos, talking about them constantly, and then choosing their pets above their children.

My own circumstances are dealt with well enough for my liking, I help her with her hobby when asked, it’s something the children enjoy and despite my snarkiness, I do actually like dogs.

I think you need to address the issues you clearly still are suffering from (have you tried counselling?) - from your drip feeds, your judgements are really nothing to do with pets.

And I’ll be encouraging my DS to love and respect animals/nature as I do.

@SaskiaRembrandt - Yeah, that’s absolutely raving bonkers.

Clearly this is not about the dogs but about the way you mother treats you and your siblings, for which I'm very sorry.

I don't think it makes other people weird though for loving their animals.

My dog is like another child in the sense that he needs me to look after him and yes I absolutely do love him and God yes I'd mourn him if he were to die tomorrow, he's with me 24/7 and he's more affectionate than any of the kids in this house now they are older!

YANBU about your mother but as I say, I don't think it's about the dogs.

YABU to suggest other people are 'weird' who are not your mum and likely nothing like her.

Does your DH not call them out on this? That sounds like a very tiring dynamic.

Nah, he's one of those 'anything for an easy life' type people. It is tiring though. Luckily I leave him to deal with most of it and I just nod and smile.