Are people who treat their pets as children, when they have living children, a bit odd?

[Namechangeforthehellofit]

I’ll start this thread by saying I’ve NC’d as I think my mother is actually on here, and I’m talking about people who have children who are ALIVE and available to see.

My M is an active member of a dog rescue group, she often holds large fundraising events, and sponsors dogs from foreign countries to be brought over here for a better life.
I have absolutely no issues with this at all, it makes her happy, and I always volunteer my time for the cause when her events are on.

However the group she is on, on FB, is full of bizarre posts when they use strange language such as ‘Hello Hoomins!’ and ‘I wuvs woo’ when posting as their pets, and refer to them as their children, fur babies and ‘dogters’.
They seem to spend all of their time with their animals, and that is fair enough if you don’t have children/grandchildren/other people in your life, however some of these have young children or grandchildren they could be spending time with.

My own mother has had 4 dogs, 3 from the rescue she fundraisers for, and she is guilty of treating her pets as children.

Actually, they’re prioritised and treated better than her two children.
She’s not suffered a loss of a child or had them there as a way of coping about another loss, so no it’s nothing like that, that’s a totally different kettle of fish so I’m not interested in those stories.

2 died recently, a ratty little one who hated everybody except her (not through lack of trying) and a childhood dog who we all felt the loss of.
Now she has gone into a depressed state of mourning.
Weirdly, she didn’t even mourn her own father like this. He’s still in the plastic jar he came back from the crematorium in.

One of the people she knows from the group posted on her wall when her birthday cake around saying how she was sorry she wouldn’t have her babies with her on her special day. I have to say I was a bit confused, as she has two ACTUAL children she would be spending time with in the day.
She has a shrine for the dogs with pictures and candles scattered about, and they sit on a shelf in wooden boxes.
She’s had pretty much every day to see her children and grandchildren, but makes excuses regarding her dogs as to why she cannot go out/meet up/have visitors, come over.
I understand that after a while, pets are seen as part of the family, but to prioritise them above your actual children is baffling to me!
I have a pet and whilst I love him dearly, and would be heartbroken should he die, I wouldn’t choose them over my children.

So, I thought I’d put this out there and add a poll, I’m expecting to be slaughtered as I know a great majority of MN are avid animal lovers.

YABU - People who treat their dogs as children, despite having their own, are perfectly normal.
YANBU - People who treat their pets as children, despite having their own, are a bit odd.

@Trogga - I have had therapy, I’m in an good place, though maybe a bit angry after the phone call this morning.

I don’t think I’ve said it was her pets fault, so I have no judgement on them, purely on her and those like her.

My main concern is for my emotionally fragile sister.
I pick up the pieces when my M let’s her down yet again, which I don’t mind doing as I love her, but wish I didn’t have to as she should put her needs above hanging out with her pets.

So this isn't about people and their pets, it's really about abusive parents and how you (and another poster) feel that it's odd that someone so vile to children/people can love an animal so much?

I was going to say that everyone should make a life for themselves, or be able to dictate what life they live, when their children start to grow up.

There'll be past history between her and her Father, child abusers are partly made.

She may have come to terms with not getting on with people who need something from her, care, consideration etc, so animals are her caring and need for intimacy outlet.

We encourage people with a range of conditions, personality types (call it what you will), to have pets, as part of therapy.
It makes sense that in some circumstances they would over attach, while having difficulty attaching to close family.

However relationships with animals is all about you, not them, in a way, because they gratefully accept what we want to give them. Except cats.

I had a dog that meant a lot to me. I got him at a crisis point in my life and he was like a good friend, but more than that really.
I grieve his loss more than my abusive father, whose death was a relief.

We rarely ever fully do things for other beings, we are always fulfilling a need within us, or getting a good trade off.

Oh and I don't think any of the things you have given as examples automatically have to mean putting dogs about your children.

I don't put my dog above the kids in the sense that if there was a fire and I could save one or the other then obviously if would be the kids. But my dog is still a little life who is part of our family and is treated as such. If the kids asked us to get rid of him tomorrow because they didn't like him, for example, the answer would be no.

I have enough love to give to the kids and the dog, it's not either or in this house.

There is an strong element which I keep seeing on Facebook groups in particular like this. I really don't like it, it makes me feel uneasy but I don't know why. They are animals at the end of the day. I love my animals I really do but they are animals not humans at the end of the day. They are not babies, however cute and adorable they might be. The fluffy bunny stuff is not helpful at all, I think it's damaging and these people also get exploited by others which I really hate

My main concern is for my emotionally fragile sister.I pick up the pieces when my M let’s her down yet again, which I don’t mind doing as I love her, but wish I didn’t have to as she should put her needs above hanging out with her pets

But again, this is your mum being a crap parent to your sister. It's nothing to do with how she treats her pets. It likely wouldn't make a difference if the dogs weren't around.

Why didn’t you just post about the real issue here. Your mother was abusive and you are still living with the consequences. Odd imo to take issue with her relationship to her pets.
The initial post without the dripping background does not reflect well on you at all

"My main concern is for my emotionally fragile sister."

She's never going to have the Mother she wants or needs. It's something that you've got to come to terms with and stop expecting better when you have falling parents.

Do you have honest conversations with your Sister about your mother being abusive and neglectful? You need to. She's not going to get any better and the way to address it is to help your DS get her head around that.

Your Mother isn't a source of anything to you both.

Oops forgot. To answer your original question, yes I do think they're odd. Not my idea of "normal" at any rate

@Ponoka7 - That’s very interesting actually, thank you for that.
I’ve never thought about it mostly being about the owner, and what they get out of the relationship.
Her mother was abusive, and her father let because of this, so I don’t think he was an issue. Maybe it took him a while to leave, and she didn’t forgive that? Who knows. He was a very gentle man and loved her and her siblings dearly.

I really love my dog and have 2DCs. Yes, she is like a child to me but in the way that she needs me etc.
Is your mum maybe trying to compensate for the way she treated you...?

I adore my dog, she sleeps on my bed and is absolutely one of my babies. In a fire obviously I’d rescue my DC. But I don’t think having DC means my dog has to be loved any less. This thread isn’t about loving dogs AND children though. It’s about loving dogs INSTEAD OF children. That imo is very unusual and wrong.

Also, I have discussed this with my sister, and asked her to see a professional, however she doesn’t have the time or money for it she says. She’ll get there in time.
I think since having our own children, we can see how bizarre it all is.

In all honesty yes I find it weird. It makes me cringe to read "doggo, pupper, furbaby, hooman" etc. However I'm not a pet person and can't imagine putting an animal on par with a human.

Sticking to your question of Are people who treat their pets as children, when they have living children, a bit odd?

No. My dog is my first baby, he's the reason dh and I bought our house rather than stay in a rental and continue saving. He had been at the centre of my world for 4 years, ds arrived last July, so now shares that position, he's still just as loved and fussed. He gets pulled around by ds who has just started to learn to shuffle after him on the floor, he hides in his bed or buries himself behind me on the sofa fairly often to escape.
He's 15 in July and I suspect he won't see this year out with his age and associated health issues, when that day arrives, I will be broken, I'm not ashamed to say it, and I know it will also hurt me more than the miscarriages I had leading up to falling with ds. that is very personal to me and will not ring true to every woman who has a pet dog and suffered multiple losses

I agree with what you say about the writing message as if they are they dog, that is weird, as is having a social media account dedicated to the pet, I also feel this way about people who set up accounts dedicated to just the child.

@interest12 - Well in all honesty the question isn’t about me and my situation, it’s purely anecdotal.
I know others who’s parents do the same, without the abuse, and find it a mixture of funny, perfectly normal and strange.
The question is a general one, you didn’t need to know I’d been slapped about to answer it, surely?

@FloatingCloudz - That’s EXACTLY my question, thank you.
People who share their love between pets and children I see no issue with. However treating a pet as a child, and a favoured one at that, is something I find very strange.

You could swap pets for a myriad of things, e.g. 'why does she put her career/partner/alcohol above her kids?'

It's not the pets, it's the fact she's been an abusive mother and you feel as adults she is still letting you (or rather, your sister) down.

From experience, managing expectations is vital. I agree with talking with your sister to explain that your DM can't be, and won't ever be, the mother you both deserved.

@Trogga - You’re right I personally could, but again it’s not about me, mine is just an example though I know it’s an extreme one.
However I’m talking about those who do the same thing but aren’t my abusive M, there are plenty of those people.

NameChange, I don't think that's strictly true that the question isn't clouded by your situation.

You are suggesting that loving a pet in the way you've described = putting them above your children. That is not going to be true for everyone. In fact, most people I would imagine.

Okay I don't put my dog in little jumpers and write on Facebook about Hoomans or whatever, but yeah I think of him as a little additional furry kid in the house. He needs me to look after him, he plays with the other kids, he's affectionate and loving. It doesn't mean I love him more than the kids, but the fact I have kids also doesn't mean I love him any less either.

Not all of these 'cringey' people on Facebook will treat their actual children like your mother does. The two are not mutually exclusive. You might find it odd, but one is not hurting anyone and therefore I don't really see why it matters to anyone else, and the other obviously is but like I said, that has nothing to do with the pets and everything to do with that person just being a shit parent. They would likely be the same if the pets weren't around.

I think your issues are much deeper than the issue with her dogs from your posts. I adore my dog, the whole family does. I don’t see a problem with this. My children don’t feel like they have to compete with him, they adore him too. He’s a massive part of my family and when he does eventually pass we will all feel that loss greatly. I guess if you’ve never loved a dog deeply then it’s hard to understand. When life is difficult and there’s a little happy waggling tail there to greet you and cuddle up to you then you do become very attached to them. They love you unconditionally

Completely agree with you op. One of the saddest things I ever saw was a guy on the the bus who would not stop cooing over a dog on his lap. Stroking it and talking non stop about the dog to his wife while she 'umm hmm' and 'ah ha'd at him. She was busy taking care of his severely disabled son, whom he ignored completely.

Your DM can't manage relationships with actual people. So to her, her dogs are very safe effective substitutes that she can love and be loved by.

People are much much harder to love than pets.

Most of us manage human relationships, but many get stuck and turn to the safety and comfort of animals. She is one of them. Her abusive mother ensured that.

@OhWellThatsJustGreat - I understand, my pet also saw me through my many losses and I will feel a deep pain when he dies.
It’s not really what I’m getting at though, as that is absolutely different.

Huge drip feed and yes I think you are projecting. I suspect if you had a different childhood your thoughts surrounding your mothers relationship with her pets would be different. Whilst I don't go to the whole hog I do treat my dog like a member of the family and yes probably like I would a young child. She, like all of my pets are very precious to me. I lost my beloved horse 3 years ago and the pain when she went was indescribable. I wonder if it's to do with the fact that like children they can't look after themselves and are so reliant on us. I'm not sure but I think your childhood experience is clouding your judgement.

Exactly what @picklesdragonisawelshdragon says. It's safer for her to lavish love and attention on an animal that can't and won't judge her. I'm not in any way condoning her abusive behaviour but it's important to consider she was a victim too and she had you very young. It sounds like she's been through a lot and she's damaged. It's not 'odd' as such - it's a sign of trauma.