Are people who treat their pets as children, when they have living children, a bit odd?

[Namechangeforthehellofit]

I’ll start this thread by saying I’ve NC’d as I think my mother is actually on here, and I’m talking about people who have children who are ALIVE and available to see.

My M is an active member of a dog rescue group, she often holds large fundraising events, and sponsors dogs from foreign countries to be brought over here for a better life.
I have absolutely no issues with this at all, it makes her happy, and I always volunteer my time for the cause when her events are on.

However the group she is on, on FB, is full of bizarre posts when they use strange language such as ‘Hello Hoomins!’ and ‘I wuvs woo’ when posting as their pets, and refer to them as their children, fur babies and ‘dogters’.
They seem to spend all of their time with their animals, and that is fair enough if you don’t have children/grandchildren/other people in your life, however some of these have young children or grandchildren they could be spending time with.

My own mother has had 4 dogs, 3 from the rescue she fundraisers for, and she is guilty of treating her pets as children.

Actually, they’re prioritised and treated better than her two children.
She’s not suffered a loss of a child or had them there as a way of coping about another loss, so no it’s nothing like that, that’s a totally different kettle of fish so I’m not interested in those stories.

2 died recently, a ratty little one who hated everybody except her (not through lack of trying) and a childhood dog who we all felt the loss of.
Now she has gone into a depressed state of mourning.
Weirdly, she didn’t even mourn her own father like this. He’s still in the plastic jar he came back from the crematorium in.

One of the people she knows from the group posted on her wall when her birthday cake around saying how she was sorry she wouldn’t have her babies with her on her special day. I have to say I was a bit confused, as she has two ACTUAL children she would be spending time with in the day.
She has a shrine for the dogs with pictures and candles scattered about, and they sit on a shelf in wooden boxes.
She’s had pretty much every day to see her children and grandchildren, but makes excuses regarding her dogs as to why she cannot go out/meet up/have visitors, come over.
I understand that after a while, pets are seen as part of the family, but to prioritise them above your actual children is baffling to me!
I have a pet and whilst I love him dearly, and would be heartbroken should he die, I wouldn’t choose them over my children.

So, I thought I’d put this out there and add a poll, I’m expecting to be slaughtered as I know a great majority of MN are avid animal lovers.

YABU - People who treat their dogs as children, despite having their own, are perfectly normal.
YANBU - People who treat their pets as children, despite having their own, are a bit odd.

Also I said it was lovely, it’s the intensity of it all.
It’s not a traditional rescue either where they are in kennels and need that level of help.

The baby talk is nail scratching cringy.

But I do think OP maybe sees this in other animal lovers when it isn't there because of the experience she has had with her mother.

I see it the same way, and I don't have the OP's experience.

@Hester54 That’s fucked up .

Some people are ott, but I'll admit we treat our pup like our baby, I already have 2 dc. If you don't love your dog, no point having one.
We take her everywhere we can, and we organise daycare and walkers when we can't.
She does stop some plans, but if organised in advance we are happy to carry on woth life just like we would organise a babysitter in advance.

I always thought most people who actually outright and in so many words say that they prefer their dog to their own (human) children were "joking" in the unfunny "you don't have to be crazy to work here but it helps" line of "humour" Hester54 it's pretty bleak to say that and actually mean it - I hope you try to hide it from your children?

Even my parents don't actually admit to ranking dogs above their own children and grandchildren, though they spout the trite lines about animals being "nicer" than people without thinking through the fact that they're anthropomorphising animals with that kind of statement beyond any real objective meaning.

@Namechangeforthehellofit

Well exactly. I know other people with dogs who are a bit like this, but for big occasions they manage to find a dog sitter or they at least come to the main event even if they can't stay long. My parent and step parent missed every single event like that. They opted out of being grandparents in order to be fur baby parents. Most of my friends and family are dog owners and dog lovers, and to some degree their lives revolve around their canine family members, but never at the expense of their children, grandchildren etc. If you can't come to your grandchild's christening because you are taking the dog to the groomers then you don't deserve a relationship with those children IMO. A dog can skip a haircut, your grandchild will only be christened once. Funny how other friends and family can manage to come to the big occasions despite disabilities, caring responsibilities, financial issues, and all other myriad of problems and yet some how a dogs haircut gets priority. I got sick of being annoyed at the pathetic reasons for non attendance so stopped the invites. I wasn't going to continue wasting my time being angry about it. Before people would ask me "where's your parent" and I'd say "couldn't come" "oh why, are they I'll?" "No at the dog groomers." Now it's "where's your parent?" "They weren't invited." Nobody asks why they weren't invited, they all know why. I won't have my kids being treated like an inconvenience or an after thought, they are lucky to have my other parent and step parent hold them in much higher esteem though (yes, most definitely prioritised over their dog!)

How has this affected you? Are you projecting?

I think the biggest thing for me was when my child said "mum why did they buy the dog a Christmas present but not me?" And "why does my grandparent always say they'll do things with me and then doesn't?" Kids see that stuff. It's confusing for an adult to make sense of, but for a child?

shinyredbus the OP has already explained how it impacts her, haven't you read her posts?

FizzyIce Why, I prefer the company of my dogs to my children( Adults) you can pick your friends not your family, I don’t wish them any harm and have never treated them bad, just prefer my dogs, no I don’t treat them like children

notnowmaybelater I would imagine if people told the truth more would actually say it,

Hester54 you don't wish your adult children any harm (big of you) - have you told them that you prefer the dogs? Do you think that's good for their mental health? At what age did you first tell them?

Bleak and cold.

@hester54 - Well that’s really baffling, surely even if you have different interests, and assuming they aren’t horrible to you and you them, you should want to spend time with your children more than your dog?!
If not, why? I’m genuinely confused.

notnowmaybelater I can’t help what I like and don’t like, Should I force myself to like them, what makes you think I’ve told them, I would imagine they’ve worked that out for themselves, I help them in anyway I can or asked to help, just prefer the dogs, sorry

Namechangeforthehellofit It’s been along old story, which would take up to much time and space on here, But nowadays I love to be out and about walking in the hills and mountains, They love to sit and watch telly or as Sunday spend most of the day at the pub eating, different interests different views on life etc etc,

Well actually @Namechangeforthehellofit I answered your question are people who treat their pets as children, when they have living children, a bit odd? in the way I interpretated it and answered it honestly, I treat and love my dog the same (ish) way I do my son. Obviously there are differences, but he's still as much my baby as my son is.

AmazingGreats Did your parents ask you to have a grandchild for them ? Perhaps they’ve had their time with kids and the dog is an excuse not to go, not all parents want to be grandparents

My M is like this. I have almost NC with her (for 6 yrs) as she never visited when my DS was in hospital / had operations (over 20 times) or when I was in hospital (I have no DP so friend had to take DS for over a week) yet flew down to support SIL when my DB left. My dog needed emergency surgery last year & I had to do a crowdfunder - my DB told her, she donated & posted "I care about animals"! Fucking weirdo. She also had a portrait of our cat done & it has pride of place.

I adore my 2 dogs, but not like that.

I’m possibly the wrong person to ask!

I have children and my cats, dogs, mice, rabbits are my furbabies (I have a water baby too!). I love them to pieces, they are endearing, its just a term of affection. Was I absolutely devastated when 2 of my dogs died, hell yes. They were family, I’d had them for almost 13 years they went through a lot with me and got me through some real tough times. They also now live on a shelf with candles and photos. Does it mean I love my kids any less - no it doesn’t. I wouldn’t say they are put above my kids by any means but possibly not below! My 11 yr old son probably loves his animals as much as he loves me, I’m fine with that.

I think your issue stems more from the toxic family dynamics, if you were abused but the animals are showered in affection you never received I can see why you would think its odd.

I find the whole idea of keeping 'pets' strange. Especially dogs, which have to be 'trained' to be around humans and which is not always successful. It isn't their natural environment and they are often inbred to such an extent that they need constant medication and treatment by vets.

@Hester54

No but they did choose to have children and have let me down at all the most important times too. I used the example of the christening, but also all of my major life events too. If they want to be "done" then that's cool. That's why we are now NC. I asked for a parent and child relationship, later a parent and child and parent and grandchild relationship. Got no reciprocation so stopped asking.

I don't think parents should be able to opt out, but as that's what they've chosen I've opted out of being daughter too. I'm not sure how well the dog will do at caring for them in their old age, but I won't be doing that for them now.

OP I will cheerfully admit that I think some dog owners are total batshit crazy and lose the plot a bit when it comes to their animals. And the baby talk twaddle is utterly nauseating. And dog owners openly prioritising their dog over everything else in their lives seems a little skewed to me.

But I do also think that (regardless of whether or not you have had DC, and even if you are not batshit crazy) there is something about all pets, particularly dogs, that fulfils the human instinct to nurture and love and protect and take care of something. And the owner-pet relationship can be far more simplistically rewarding and less angst-ridden than many human relationships are too.

We have pets, not dogs but small furries who are much adored and just give a huge amount of pleasure. I can feed and love and cuddle them and chat to them and not fret about their friendships or exam results or whether I’m letting them have too much screentime, they’re always pleased to see me, scoff veg with enthusiasm and they never answer back . Of course I would never in a million years neglect my dc for them or prioritise them over my dc BUT at the same time they can provide me with something that my (many and varied and rewarding) human relationships do not do.

Not excusing people who openly neglect dc and grandchildren in favour of their dogs at all though.

I agree with you wholeheartedly op. I just do not get it. But that's fine, each to their own. I just hate that my ex is one of them and he seems to love his dogs as much as he does his 3 children. He's a good dad but the kids should be a priority 100% of the time in my opinion.

AmazingGreats Why don’t you think parents should be able to opt out?