Are people who treat their pets as children, when they have living children, a bit odd?

[Namechangeforthehellofit]

I’ll start this thread by saying I’ve NC’d as I think my mother is actually on here, and I’m talking about people who have children who are ALIVE and available to see.

My M is an active member of a dog rescue group, she often holds large fundraising events, and sponsors dogs from foreign countries to be brought over here for a better life.
I have absolutely no issues with this at all, it makes her happy, and I always volunteer my time for the cause when her events are on.

However the group she is on, on FB, is full of bizarre posts when they use strange language such as ‘Hello Hoomins!’ and ‘I wuvs woo’ when posting as their pets, and refer to them as their children, fur babies and ‘dogters’.
They seem to spend all of their time with their animals, and that is fair enough if you don’t have children/grandchildren/other people in your life, however some of these have young children or grandchildren they could be spending time with.

My own mother has had 4 dogs, 3 from the rescue she fundraisers for, and she is guilty of treating her pets as children.

Actually, they’re prioritised and treated better than her two children.
She’s not suffered a loss of a child or had them there as a way of coping about another loss, so no it’s nothing like that, that’s a totally different kettle of fish so I’m not interested in those stories.

2 died recently, a ratty little one who hated everybody except her (not through lack of trying) and a childhood dog who we all felt the loss of.
Now she has gone into a depressed state of mourning.
Weirdly, she didn’t even mourn her own father like this. He’s still in the plastic jar he came back from the crematorium in.

One of the people she knows from the group posted on her wall when her birthday cake around saying how she was sorry she wouldn’t have her babies with her on her special day. I have to say I was a bit confused, as she has two ACTUAL children she would be spending time with in the day.
She has a shrine for the dogs with pictures and candles scattered about, and they sit on a shelf in wooden boxes.
She’s had pretty much every day to see her children and grandchildren, but makes excuses regarding her dogs as to why she cannot go out/meet up/have visitors, come over.
I understand that after a while, pets are seen as part of the family, but to prioritise them above your actual children is baffling to me!
I have a pet and whilst I love him dearly, and would be heartbroken should he die, I wouldn’t choose them over my children.

So, I thought I’d put this out there and add a poll, I’m expecting to be slaughtered as I know a great majority of MN are avid animal lovers.

YABU - People who treat their dogs as children, despite having their own, are perfectly normal.
YANBU - People who treat their pets as children, despite having their own, are a bit odd.

Wasn't there something in an episode of The Sopranos where the therapist is having a dinner party with colleagues and a researcher into psychopaths says that they can show real emotion for animals but not for people.

Not sure if that's true or made up psychobabble. But it strikes me that many people love pets and newborns but not children or grownups. Something about being able to speak, say what they need and even tell you what they think of you must have something to do with it.

@Hester54 er yes it is ... if you have an otherwise good relationship with your kids but prefer your pets to them and call them your “children” then that’s very difficult to understand .
I love my 2 cats , my dh jokes that I love them more than I love him but my kids and family are my number one priority. My cats are pets/ companions, NOT children

@Ironshame - I’ve met these people numerous times over the years as they are annual events, and lots of planning goes into them.

You say it’s not fair to judge at these events, but where else would you find someone so overly invested in their pets, than at an event for pets? They bring their dogs and their children, and snap at their children when they say they’re bored/thirsty/hungry/too hot and they are busy doing their animals related activities.

But all of the people who are outrightly calling people like me weird... there’s really no need, I’m not sat here calling those of you twats am I? Because I just would not. So much fucking judgement.

I get you, I find this uncomfortable to witness. I do truly love animals, I always have done, but it's more in a respectful way. I think of animal and plant species as far more important than the majority of people seem to, for example I don't think "Oh tigers, it's important to save tigers so they around for our children" or "We must save plants in the rainforest, for all we know they could contain the cure for cancer". I think of other species as having the right to exist just for themselves. They aren't extant on this planet just to serve human beings!

So from my point of view, people like your mum are not so much animal lovers as people who love what animals can give them. They are in it for what they can get out of it. If it wasn't animals they would find something else to fill the gap, although I can't imagine what would do as well - animals need to be cared for, with pets we have responsibility for them, and dogs fit perfectly as they are a social species and appear more needy than, for example, cats.

I have a cat, I love her very, very much and I tell her this as I stroke her and fluff her cheeks. But I can't forget that she is a cat, not a human in a furry coat, and the way she perceives me is going to be different from how I might want her to feel. I might want to feel she loves me, she looks forward to my coming home... but the truth is she probably views me as desirable resources, something to defend from other cats. I am part of her territory. I provide food and a warm lap, lots of stroking and some entertainment. Love me? I'm sure she doesn't; she's a CAT. Her way of thinking will be so alien to me that it would probably creep me out if I were privvy to them. But I still love her dearly, would be heartbroken if something happened to her, will be distraught when she dies, will miss her when she's gone. She has very many plus points that we love having her around.

I don't think it's particularly healthy to overfocus on pets, but for some people, it's a way of filling a void within themselves, and they would only look for something else if they didn't have that. In your case, your mother's ability to nurture relationships with humans is flawed; she's unlikely to ever change as she won't see any reason why she should.

Your sister does need help to accept your mother will never be the person you would want her to be, she will be much happier when she can let go of this. I do feel for her, when she has a more realistic level of expectation she might be able to just let your mother get on with it and be more content.

isabellerossignol We got a dog for the children and it soon became very clear who was better to be with,

But it strikes me that many people love pets and newborns but not children or grownups.Something about being able to speak, say what they need and even tell you what they think of you must have something to do with it

I don't think that this is necessarily that hard to fathom. Not everyone is sociable or enjoys speaking to people. A lot of people find it hard socialising with other adults or just don't particularly like people that much. So it would seem obvious that their go to choice would be a pet (or a baby as per your post) who they don't have to make an effort with or feel awkward around.

@thenoodlesincident

What they said ^^^^

Very insightful. Many people who are truly OBSESSED with their animals can also be quite neglectful. It’s crazy.

*IronShame

I think people who judge other people that they know nothing about for something completely harmless to them are nobs.*

The op was beaten up and neglected by her mother. A woman who treats her dogs better than her human children. A woman who built a shrine to a fucking dog - and your calling the op a nob?! Fucksake

FizzyIce No I don’t call them my children, I just prefer them to my children,

I have a sister like this. My parents are also odd about their dogs and cats - sentimental and soppy and over indulgent to the point of harming the animal's health by over feeding them as well as not training the dog properly so it barks and barks and barks... Where they were and are very no nonsense and unsentimental about children.

My youngest was bitten by my sister's dog as a toddler (we were at my mother's house, my sister doesn't live there and we didn't know she was coming over with her dog. She opened the door to the living room where my toddler was playing a fantasy/ pretend/ imagination game waving his arms and the dog flew in in front of her and bit him. Immediately my parents both kicked into overdrive protesting over and over that it wasn't the dogs fault, and my sister left without speaking to me telling my mother as she left that I should have taught my toddler how to behave around dogs. Not one of the expressed any interest in the ragged torn skin on my toddler's hand, which took ages to heal. I really regret not taking him to A&E for stitches and reporting the bite.

It quickly emerged that the dog had bitten other people, both adults and children, including drawing blood through BIL's jeans when he walked past a table the dog was underneath.

The next time I visited my parents, which involves travelling for the best part of a day, I asked that my sister's dog not be at my mother's house - she lives locally to my mother. My mother agreed. We got there and the dog was there. A tent sort of thing was set up in the garden, which my parents use for parties - a sort of sun shade/ mini marquee. It was raining. We were told that my sister loves the dog and he couldn't be left out. Therefore my children and I, who had travelled all day to visit my parents, could eat in the garden in the rain if we didn't want to be in the house with the dog which had bitten my toddler last visit. Not even my parents' dog. Not even resident at their house. But still more important than my children and I. My sister has two children of her own. There is no reason her dog should be treated not just as a child but as a child who can do no wrong and is more important than everyone else.

It does tell you a lot.

My ddog is treated like a grandchild by my mother! He is definitely not on equal footing as my kids as far as I'm concerned though and he's going to live with his father when my divorce is sorted.

I treat my cats like children. If that makes me odd so be it. However... this isn’t about the dogs, you have mother issues and YANBU regarding that.

I tell my kids never to trust anyone who doesn't like animals...it really is the hallmark of a psychopath or narcissist. I have 2 kids, 1 dog and 4 cats...two are strays who came to us in a terrible state. If it was 'odd' for me to give them vet treatment, a loving home, a plate of dinner and warm beds to sleep in then I embrace that label gladly. The pets make my kids lives more fun, and joyful as they all have their own personalities. I love them dearly and would try to get everyone out in a fire. I worry about them as much as the kids when they are ill, and spend a fortune on vet bills keeping them well and happy. I like my pets more than most people I meet (immediate family excepted). They are loyal, loving and keep me active with the cleaning, walking and such like. My experience of humans has been rather less positive.

Obviously I must be a fruitcake...a pet hoarder...a witch...a spinster settling for cats over men...and all the other labels people who don't like animals use to describe people who do!

You say it’s not fair to judge at these events, but where else would you find someone so overly invested in their pets, than at an event for pets? They bring their dogs and their children, and snap at their children when they say they’re bored/thirsty/hungry/too hot and they are busy doing their animals related activities

So it's a hobby or passion like many people have, just one you don't understand because you don't share it? I honestly don't see why someone being invested in a dog competition or event annually means that they don't love their kids / not as much.

People take part in all sorts of hobbies and events. My DH loves racing and so every year we are dragged to some car show or another. It's just his hobby and something he enjoys. And yeah he probably does get fed up on that one day of the kids moaning that they are bored/hungry/thirsty every 5 minutes because it's one day and we do plenty of bloody things for them the rest of the year.

He doesn't love cars more than his kids. It's just something he's interested in. Because you know, people are allowed to have interests outside of their children / spouse.

I don't really see how this event arguement is relevant in any way. It doesn't show you what these people are like for the other 364 days of the year. They are passionate about their animals and this event. So what?

My friends have huge canvas photos of their dog over their fireplace. No photos of their children to be seen anywhere. Their Facebook page is full of pics of the dog and dog memes.
The whole furbaby thing makes me want to heave.

I've owned and loved dogs, who've been a huge part of my family. But we seem to have reached peak infantilisation and anthropomorphism, and in some cases is to the detriment of children.

More healthy was another friend's view on her family when she had a child. " we still love (dogs name) every bit as much as we ever did. But now he's a dog"

Do these people in the FB group really spend all their time with their pets though, or does it just seem like that because the group is all about dogs after all?
I'm a dog lover, love my two so much and grieved the dog I lost for a good year and still think about him now 12 years after his death. I would never ever put them before my children though, and think grown adults talking about their pets in the way you described are a bit silly, and think there is a special place in hell reserved for those who dress their dogs up in silly outfits.

The op was beaten up and neglected by her mother. A woman who treats her dogs better than her human children. A woman who built a shrine to a fucking dog - and your calling the op a nob?! Fucksake

I'm not calling the OP a nob at all. That was in the response to the poster who said they think anyone who treats their dogs like children whether they have kids or not are 'fucking weirdos' or whatever it was they said.

I've said numerous times that I don't think OPs mother is right just that I don't think the pets are relevant to her being a poor parent and likely would be whether the dogs were around or not.

@TheNoodlesIncident - Thank you for your reply, it was very interesting.
I too love animals, my pet is a wonderful source of love and comfort, but whether he loves me or just sees me as a resource or the ‘alpha’ and therefore wants me there is something I won’t ever know.

I agree that my DSis has unrealistic expectations, and I do tell her as much, I think after having children she just can’t understand how and why she is being treated like this.

I do get it through. One of my parents (and their new spouse) give far, far more love and care to their dog than we ever received. They are DEFINITELY nicer to the dog than their grandkids/ step grandkids (who they don't see any of now). I can only think that the relationship is simpler. They are the kind of people who blow off weddings, christenings and other major family events because their fur baby needs them to be home and both work from home as much as possible so that fur baby is never on its own for more than 5 minutes.

YANBU FWIW I think people who treat their pets as children are fucking weird whether they have kids or not

My nob comment was in response to that ^^.

I should have tagged it to make that clearer. I certainly wasn't calling OP a nob, apologies if it came across that way.

Though not through

I tell my kids never to trust anyone who doesn't like animals...it really is the hallmark of a psychopath or narcissist.

That's just blatantly untrue though.

I'm an animal lover, before I'm accused of being defensive. But I know loads of people who really dislike animals yet are very kind, loving, reliable people. Because, importantly, even though they don't like animals or find them cute or interesting, they also are horrified by cruelty to them, because they do recognise them as sentient beings, who should be respected.

If you'd said that people who are cruel to animals are psychopaths, then I'd probably agree.

Despite being a dog lover, I'm stunned that the vote is so close. People really think it's absolutely okay to care more about your dog than your children?

I've noticed that people who talk baby talk to their dogs are usually rubbish dog owners. They don't train them properly or have firm boundaries.
I know people love their dogs, nothing wrong with that, but I think you should respect your dog as the species it is....not confuse it with a child.

Actually, people who talk in a high pitched baby voice to their children are often parents who can't set boundaries for them either.