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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not AIBU but what 'adult' thing have you never done?

505 replies

Pringlesonthetable · 23/02/2020 20:19

What 'adult' thing have you never done?

I have reached the grand old age of 53 and have never booked a holiday abroad. I wouldn't even know where to start! and I fancy a holiday but don't know how to do it Holidays have always been in the UK, camping when the DC were young and caravanning for the last 12 years. My last foreign trip was when I was 19 and DM booked it. I just had to give her the money for it.

OP posts:
ScarlettBlaize · 25/02/2020 12:14

@LeavingTheTable You read it correctly Grin

Staying very carefully within Talk Guidelines here, I can imagine that someone who wasn't me might have doubts about the veracity of certain posts that might appear to be deliberately contrived for the purpose of provoking a reaction, but of course that's not relevant here... So I'll respond as if they are real (which of course they are).

@ArtemisOfOrtygia
You are paying. Just not financially

What am I paying with? grin

The fact that you can't see that is troubling.

You also have one of the most brilliantly inappropriate usernames I've ever encountered.

ArtemisOfOrtygia · 25/02/2020 12:21

I honestly can't imagine my dad saying 'ill pay your bills for you' and me, an adult with a good income, actually letting him, whether he had money or not.
That's absolutely fine, you do you.

Just because someone offers doesn't mean you should take them up on it.
That's true. It also doesn't mean I shouldn't take them up on it.

Because you're a grown woman and your dad shouldn't be there just to finance you for the rest of his life.
Who says a woman shouldn't do this and that? Who makes up the rules for women to live by? I'm not a feminist, but many of you seem to be. Isn't the whole point of feminism to let women make their own choices? Or are we, maybe, only allowed to make choices between a specific set of pre-approved choices? Grin

Don't you feel any shame that you are leeching off other people whilst keeping everything you earn to yourself?
No. On the contrary, when I read about a lot of the women on here that are expected to pay half of the pay bills equally with their higher earning husbands, who are the sole providers of their children and who financially compromise for their men's sake I feel really blessed that I'm free from all of that kind of struggle. I would be ashamed of myself if I was bratty and entitled about being looked after, or if I was accepting being looked after from people that don't have the means to do it. But I'm not, so I feel no shame.

I honestly could not do that without feeling guilty, I'm surprised that you don't.
Why are you surprised? We are two different people, we are bound to have different feelings and experiences, right? Just because something is foreign to you, doesn't mean it's foreign to somebody else, you know?

You sound incredibly selfish. It's not a trait to be proud of.
I'm not incredibly selfish, I'm a reasonable selfish person. And I think it's healthy to have a level of selfishness within you. It's not that I'm proud or not proud of being selfish. I just see it as a very normal thing to be in moderation.

SisterAgatha · 25/02/2020 12:25

I don’t have a dad but if I did I wouldn’t be letting him pay the bills. I wouldn’t want to be duty bound or have anyone say to me “i own you” and have expectations that come with that. In 20 years he may move in with you and make you his carer without any regard for your wants because basically he bought you, your house, your car, they are his possessions as are you.

ArtemisOfOrtygia · 25/02/2020 12:26

The fact that you can't see that is troubling.
Why?

You also have one of the most brilliantly inappropriate usernames I've ever encountered.
I don't see what's inappropriate about it? It's not racist or offensive, it's just a username.

ScarlettBlaize · 25/02/2020 12:27

Isn't the whole point of feminism to let women make their own choices?

No. You seem to have confused 'feminism' with 'laissez-faire capitalism'.

Feminism is a political ideology that is dedicated to fighting for the rights of women.

Here are some starting points for you to begin addressing your misunderstanding, as you've obviously got a day off your well-paid job Smile

www.jacobinmag.com/2017/03/i-am-not-feminist-jessa-crispin-review/

theconversation.com/no-feminism-is-not-about-choice-40896

overland.org.au/2017/05/against-choice-feminism/

www.herizons.ca/node/526

Happy reading hun Smile Flowers

ScarlettBlaize · 25/02/2020 12:28

@ArtemisOfOrtygia The fact that you can't see that is troubling.
Why?

You'll realise in the end.

You also have one of the most brilliantly inappropriate usernames I've ever encountered.
I don't see what's inappropriate about it? It's not racist or offensive, it's just a username.

It's inappropriate , as in it doesn't suit or fit you.

ArtemisOfOrtygia · 25/02/2020 12:33

I don’t have a dad but if I did I wouldn’t be letting him pay the bills.
You're free to make that choice. And sorry to hear you don't have a dad.

I wouldn’t want to be duty bound or have anyone say to me “i own you”
My dad has never said "I own you" to me. Or expected anything of me, other than I get a degree. Which is the reason why he initially paid my ways: So I could focus on my studies without having to worry about working and earning money. The financial support just continued after I was done with my studies, because I'm his only daughter and the youngest child. Maybe I am spoiled, but it's not a big deal. I know I'm lucky and appreciate everything he does.

In 20 years he may move in with you and make you his carer without any regard for your wants because basically he bought you, your house, your car, they are his possessions as are you.
He's very happy and lives in a different country. He has no plans of leaving it either. He is also not the type of person that ever expects anything from anyone. We are a very close family with strong family values, if my dad ever needed my help I'd VOLUNTARILY be with him in a heartbeat. Not because he gave me money throughout the years, but because I love my dad.

SisterAgatha · 25/02/2020 12:35

Additionally I had a friend in the same position, her father was very wealthy and then his business began to fail. She woke up and he had sold her car and her dog. He bought them after all so they were his, and needed the money. She had not much say in her own life and always felt like a pet to him rather than a person. They have a very fractured relationship now that he has a younger daughter (by another woman) to infantile.

ineedaholidaynow · 25/02/2020 12:36

If your dad couldn't afford to pay your bills would you ask your mum Artemis or would you expect your fiancé to pay more, or find a richer fiancé, rather than pay bills yourself?

What do you spend your money on? Will you be paying anything towards a house when you get married?

Hingeandbracket · 25/02/2020 12:36

YABU

SVRT19674 · 25/02/2020 12:37

Never played a record. Went from casettes to CD...

ArtemisOfOrtygia · 25/02/2020 12:40

Feminism is a political ideology that is dedicated to fighting for the rights of women.
What rights? I'm a woman, and you are all scolding me for the choices I make just because you wouldn't make them yourself Grin The irony is no man has ever said to me that I'm doing anything wrong, only women seem to believe there is a fixed idea of what women should and shouldn't be doing. Funny, that.

Here are some starting points for you to begin addressing your misunderstanding, as you've obviously got a day off your well-paid job smile
No, I'm in bed sick, actually. What about you, Hun'?

Lweji · 25/02/2020 12:40

would probably get on the wrong plane!

They wouldn't let you.

SisterAgatha · 25/02/2020 12:41

I don’t think our situation is unusual at all, I know lots who are subsided by parents. But I would not be so sure about how you’ll feel in 20 years. Another friend had a very difficult time when her father died as he had given her a house and the other siblings wanted their share but she was living in it and had no way to move.

It’s a dangerous game to be in someone’s pocket, that’s all.

ArtemisOfOrtygia · 25/02/2020 12:42

You'll realise in the end
Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Whatever I'm supposed to realise Grin

It's inappropriate , as in it doesn't suit or fit you.
Is there a rule that a username should be fitting? I have seen someone with the word 'toast' in their name, surely that doesn't mean they are a loaf of bread?

SisterAgatha · 25/02/2020 12:44

The women telling you this are trying to protect you Artemis. That’s why you don’t hear it from men. Too many have been financially dependant and then left adrift.

IronShame · 25/02/2020 12:46

It's nothing to do with being a woman for me. Morally, I couldn't do it. I couldn't hoard all my money knowing other people are paying my way for me.

ArtemisOfOrtygia · 25/02/2020 12:48

If your dad couldn't afford to pay your bills would you ask your mum Artemis or would you expect your fiancé to pay more, or find a richer fiancé, rather than pay bills yourself?
That's what I'm saying, I'm not expecting or asking anyone to pay for me. I never asked my dad or my fiancé to pay for me.

What do you spend your money on? Will you be paying anything towards a house when you get married?
I mostly don't spend my money, I save them. I do like to travel, though, so that's my main spending. And no, I will not be paying anything towards a house. My fiancé is already moved into the house we will be living in, he's the one who's bought it and will be paying for it.

It’s a dangerous game to be in someone’s pocket, that’s all.
I totally understand, but I'm not exactly doing that.

ineedaholidaynow · 25/02/2020 12:49

Also Artemis why have you never voted?

ineedaholidaynow · 25/02/2020 12:50

So when you move in together will you pool your money?

ScarlettBlaize · 25/02/2020 12:50

Is there a rule that a username should be fitting? I have seen someone with the word 'toast' in their name, surely that doesn't mean they are a loaf of bread?

I'll try to simplify a bit. Usually if people pick a character to represent them, it's because that character embodies the qualities they themselves like to believe they share.

Artemis was a hugely important goddess. She inspired awe and worship. She protected and nurtured others, rather than being protected herself; she was strong and powerful; and she was fiercely protective of her own chastity and purity.

I must go now but HTH and hope you recover quickly from your awful illness. Flowers Flowers Sad Flowers Sad

SisterAgatha · 25/02/2020 12:51

You are, because the other things you can afford are because you don’t pay bills. You may not see those things as bought by him, but you can only afford them because of him. I really hope your siblings are equally subsidised or this has so much potential to go badly. For your own peace of mind and dignity, id start to pull back on this.

Lweji · 25/02/2020 12:54

Would vou have much reapect for your fiance if he accepted that you paid for everything, Artemis?

ArtemisOfOrtygia · 25/02/2020 12:55

The women telling you this are trying to protect you Artemis.
With all respect, but none of you know me, and one or two of you don't even think I'm real Grin Which is fine, but I find it hard to believe anyone cares about me on here, hehe. Which, again, is totally fine. It's an online forum, I absolutely don't expect care from anybody Grin

That’s why you don’t hear it from men.
The men I'm talking about are my brothers, my best friends and those that are closest to me. It's hard for me to believe women on an online forum care more about me than men that grew up with me and see me every day. But if you're genuinely being concerned for me, I do appreciate your concern, honestly.

ArtemisOfOrtygia · 25/02/2020 12:57

I have to go to the pharmacy, but I will respond to the rest when I get back.

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