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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My colleague is lying about his fathers death.

362 replies

concerned90 · 23/02/2020 18:18

I've created a throwaway account to post this, as I am concerned any colleagues who see it will be able to connect it to my previous posts about my husband/children and it will be very outing.

Some relevant back story about my colleague who we'll call Dave. Dave is a big Facebook user, an over sharer if you will. Everything about his life, his wife, his child. Dave has form for leaving work early, and has become a little infamous for it. Now, tied in with the Facebook obsession, this has proved Dave to be a liar. Two examples: Dave leaves work an hour after coming in as his son his ill. Three hours later, he uploads a photo of his son sat in McDonald's after a cinema trip. This is during the school holidays. Dave leaves work early as his son has broken his leg and he needs to get to A&E to see him. Two days later, he uploads a video of his son jumping on a trampoline. Comments confirm the video was taken that day.

For the last 4/5 months, Dave has spoken about his father being ill/having dementia. This has also been plastered all over Facebook. About a month ago, Dave comes round to every member of the team individually to let us know his father has died. We all offer our condolences, a manager even drops him home as he doesn't drive. All normal.

Dave deletes his Facebook the moment he gets home. Now this is unusual for somebody so obsessed, but perhaps he needs a break.

Dave's now used up our company bereavement policy but some emergency holiday has been arranged to allow him more time off. Dave comes back on Facebook, but no mention of his father. No comments or anything from his family/friends. No mention of the funeral. This is obviously strange for a man who has posted so much about his father, and other normally private things.

On his birthday, his mother puts a post on Facebook 'happy birthday Dave, love mum and dad'. Dave removes this from his Facebook wall so it doesn't show anymore, but as he was tagged it still shows up on our Facebook feed. We alert the manager, who expresses concern but also advises we need to tread carefully as this could just be habit from his mother as the death has been so recent. Fine.

Another colleague, who we'll call Karen returns from long term sick. Karen asks where Dave has been. We explain that his father has died. Karen posts on Dave's wall saying sorry for the loss of your dad, let me know if I can do anything.

Dave removes the post immediately. He messages Karen saying he doesn't want people knowing his business. Strange thing for a chronic over sharer to say. Dave then deletes his Facebook again.

Over the weekend, another colleague who we'll call Tim, gets into conversation with an old friend. The old friend is married to Dave's cousin. Tim says how sorry he is about the death of Dave's father. The old friend advises that as far as he knew, Dave's father has not died as they have not heard anything.

Now, in my gut I know his father has not died. My head says that all we have is circumstantial evidence, and a conversation in pub. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to senior management? Am I going to walk into a meeting and seem like a crazy person?

AIBU to come to the conclusion that his father has not died and he has taken advantage of the managers being very kind to allow him a month off when usually somebody would get 5 days?

Tell me what you think/and what I should do.

OP posts:
concerned90 · 23/02/2020 19:08

I'm going to let him get on with it. We'll see what happens. Thanks for all your input. Will update if I hear anything.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/02/2020 19:08

one more sickness and he would have lost his job. He's had his final written warning about it already.

Is this what it's really about? You want him sacked?

SalmonOfKnowledge · 23/02/2020 19:08

A month off for a bereavement? It's a standard three days where I am. People can take holiday as well though

MyDcAreMarvel · 23/02/2020 19:09

Bookmark

@LizzieMacQueen

A month's leave for bereavement? That is very generous.

Did you miss the part which said “ in Ireland? “

ParkheadParadise · 23/02/2020 19:09

Personally I would have organised a collection for poor bereaved Dave.
Got all the team to sign a sympathy card and went round to his house with flowers.
And watch him squirm.

concerned90 · 23/02/2020 19:10

@GiveHerHellFromUs doesn't bother me if he gets sacked. I actually would prefer if he didn't, as he has young kids etc. Just don't think it's fair to exploit people like this.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 23/02/2020 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fallsballs · 23/02/2020 19:11

Post condolences on his mother’s Facebook page. Say Dave told us at work. Then take a screen shot of the truth of the matter for manger.
Then stay away from Facebook.

SalmonOfKnowledge · 23/02/2020 19:11

@concerned90 I get that it feels frustrating and your team probably feels like duped muppets, but if you go hercule poirot on this one and he ends up sacked, nobody will think you're a hero. They might all be wary around you. It won't go down in company legend as your finest hour.

My advice is to pretend you've completely forgotten about all of this on monday morning.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/02/2020 19:12

His general inability to do his job without the supposed death of his father has made a lot of people's working life a nightmare

In that case I'd definitely report it upwards, but make sure to keep it to the impact he's having on the team

On a lighter note, does the dad live anywhere near you all? If so, I'd be tempted to stagger into the office, reel over to Dave in front of everyone and cry "OMG"!! Dave!! I've just bumped into your dad!!" and see what he says Wink

Schuyler · 23/02/2020 19:13

You seem rather over invested. You’ve told your manager, just let it go!

MaxNormal · 23/02/2020 19:13

There are possible explanations for all of it.

Yes if you twist yourself into massive knots. Taken together, it's an obvious pattern of lying.

L1appelDuVide · 23/02/2020 19:14

You’re really coming off badly here OP. You sound pretty vindictive. There is zero evidence that he’s told a single lie and for all you know, he’s been sick for genuine reasons, warning or not. If I were you I’d be keeping my powder dry because all of this could smack you pretty hard in the face when it all turns round.

And this sort of thing...
one more sickness and he would have lost his job. He's had his final written warning about it already. ....You shouldn’t be knowing unless your his manager.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 23/02/2020 19:15

Post condolences on his mother’s Facebook page

Are you for real? She may be a recently bereaved widow ffs. If so, it's obviously being kept off facebook.

Would you really potentially really upset a grieving widow to try and point score against a colleague when the impact of his absence has already happened?

The company will have ways and means to check if they feel its appropriate. There could be a million and one things happening in the background here.

whatnow40 · 23/02/2020 19:15

As a line manager, I'm a bugger for requesting evidence for everything. No. Matter. What. Just so that on the rare occasion I suspect lies have been told, I'm not stepping outside my usual pattern of management and requesting evidence.

I always get medical appointment letters/cards, sick notes etc. And any bereavement leave I follow up with a return to work, similar to when someone is off sick. To check on their well-being, and just so I can process the bereavement leave pay, can I have a copy of the death certificate?

It's quite normal to have to provide a copy to multiple organisations, banks, utilities etc and it's not unreasonable for an employer to ask for this when giving paid leave. Your line manager needs to be bolder on this one.

Ceebs85 · 23/02/2020 19:16

I think you have to let him fall in his own sword or you could be accused of bullying/harassment. I wouldn't put this past him if he can lie about his own dad's death.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/02/2020 19:16

It's up to employers what they do. Given his previous bullhsitting I would at the least request a death cert when he returns...

It will all fall apart quickly after this if he is lying.

L1appelDuVide · 23/02/2020 19:16

I’d be tempted to stagger into the office, reel over to Dave in front of everyone and cry "OMG"!! Dave!! I've just bumped into your dad!!" and see what he says

And if he has lost his Dad? That would be pretty sick wouldn’t it. Not in a good way either.

Darbs76 · 23/02/2020 19:18

I’m a manager and I really don’t think you’re vindictive at all. When you’ve been duped by someone either faking sickness or worse a bereavement it impacts on everyone. Why should people just get away with it? And you’re absolutely not a disgrace.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/02/2020 19:19

That would be pretty sick wouldn’t it

Only if they didn't already know he was lying, L1appel. I was thinking more if they'd already confirmed that, but should probably have made it clearer

TheBouquets · 23/02/2020 19:20

Has Dave worked for the company for a long time? Have you met any of his family, wife/partner or the child(ren)?
I know of someone who has pulled similar stunts. It would just be like the thing if some random person on SM knows "Dave"

SistersOfPercy · 23/02/2020 19:20

happy birthday Dave, love mum and dad

My Mum signed all my cards like that until the day she died and my Dad passed long before her.
My MIL signs all her cards to DH from Mum & Dad as well, despite FIL being dead for many years.
I wouldn't necessarily see that one as a red flag.

Bumblesbumbles · 23/02/2020 19:21

If he’s on bereavement leave I imagine they can ask for proof. I had similar where a work colleague pretended they were dying of cancer. In the end they were asked to provide a doctors letter detailing the prognosis etc. He handed in a fake one...

Theukisgreatt · 23/02/2020 19:22

@whatnow40 even if someone just had a regular doctors appointment?!

Newkitchen123 · 23/02/2020 19:23

Sounds like he has MH issues to me

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