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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My colleague is lying about his fathers death.

362 replies

concerned90 · 23/02/2020 18:18

I've created a throwaway account to post this, as I am concerned any colleagues who see it will be able to connect it to my previous posts about my husband/children and it will be very outing.

Some relevant back story about my colleague who we'll call Dave. Dave is a big Facebook user, an over sharer if you will. Everything about his life, his wife, his child. Dave has form for leaving work early, and has become a little infamous for it. Now, tied in with the Facebook obsession, this has proved Dave to be a liar. Two examples: Dave leaves work an hour after coming in as his son his ill. Three hours later, he uploads a photo of his son sat in McDonald's after a cinema trip. This is during the school holidays. Dave leaves work early as his son has broken his leg and he needs to get to A&E to see him. Two days later, he uploads a video of his son jumping on a trampoline. Comments confirm the video was taken that day.

For the last 4/5 months, Dave has spoken about his father being ill/having dementia. This has also been plastered all over Facebook. About a month ago, Dave comes round to every member of the team individually to let us know his father has died. We all offer our condolences, a manager even drops him home as he doesn't drive. All normal.

Dave deletes his Facebook the moment he gets home. Now this is unusual for somebody so obsessed, but perhaps he needs a break.

Dave's now used up our company bereavement policy but some emergency holiday has been arranged to allow him more time off. Dave comes back on Facebook, but no mention of his father. No comments or anything from his family/friends. No mention of the funeral. This is obviously strange for a man who has posted so much about his father, and other normally private things.

On his birthday, his mother puts a post on Facebook 'happy birthday Dave, love mum and dad'. Dave removes this from his Facebook wall so it doesn't show anymore, but as he was tagged it still shows up on our Facebook feed. We alert the manager, who expresses concern but also advises we need to tread carefully as this could just be habit from his mother as the death has been so recent. Fine.

Another colleague, who we'll call Karen returns from long term sick. Karen asks where Dave has been. We explain that his father has died. Karen posts on Dave's wall saying sorry for the loss of your dad, let me know if I can do anything.

Dave removes the post immediately. He messages Karen saying he doesn't want people knowing his business. Strange thing for a chronic over sharer to say. Dave then deletes his Facebook again.

Over the weekend, another colleague who we'll call Tim, gets into conversation with an old friend. The old friend is married to Dave's cousin. Tim says how sorry he is about the death of Dave's father. The old friend advises that as far as he knew, Dave's father has not died as they have not heard anything.

Now, in my gut I know his father has not died. My head says that all we have is circumstantial evidence, and a conversation in pub. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to senior management? Am I going to walk into a meeting and seem like a crazy person?

AIBU to come to the conclusion that his father has not died and he has taken advantage of the managers being very kind to allow him a month off when usually somebody would get 5 days?

Tell me what you think/and what I should do.

OP posts:
Nekoness · 23/02/2020 18:45

Your work can also pull up all the other absences and social media and request dr notes for his son’s broken leg, etc.

Notimeforaname · 23/02/2020 18:46

Dave is either having a awful time about something else... and felt he needed to tell such a monumental lie, or he's just as thick as two short planks.
I wouldn't report it. It's not really your job to play detective.
Instead, I'd ask just keep asking Dave how he's coping or If there's anything I could do for him. And watch him squirm

Nekoness · 23/02/2020 18:47

Sorry - and to add, I think your manager is hesitant to take action because your manager royally fucked up giving him a month off without asking for any documents.

Ponoka7 · 23/02/2020 18:47

"Can you phone Mum and ask to speak to Dave's Dad? (under cover, obvs, and withheld phone no.)"

Would you really treat a recently bereaved widow like that Bluetrews25?

You're all massively over invested. If he wasn't picked up on the other posts, why target this one?

As for the death certificate, that should have been asked for before the leave was granted. Then the person who is NOK gets to decide if her DH's death certificate can be read by randomers.

Notimeforaname · 23/02/2020 18:48

Nekoness..... Very fair point.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 23/02/2020 18:48

There may well be a complicated family backstory.

Or he may just be a liar.

Either way you'll probably never find out so I would just let it go.

Your colleague was out of order posting a condolence message on his facebook wall, especially since he hadn't put anything up there about it. Private message is the place for condolences.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 23/02/2020 18:49

OP, just stop it. You've already told your manager - and reading between the lines been told to button it.

This isn't your responsibility. If there is a work deficit then it's for the managers to resolve and that would be the same whether Dave's father had died or not.

You all sound like horrible vultures baying for blood It's not your business to resolve it. Management knows, no reason why you should be privy to any conversation so leave it to them.

cabbageking · 23/02/2020 18:49

It is for the company to decide what proof they require. He may have issues he has discussed with them that he is covering up with his colleagues.

I would stay out of it if it is not part of you job to monitor him.

If he is misusing the system it will come back on him eventually.

partofthepeanutgallery · 23/02/2020 18:49

If you can prove he's lying, i'd report it. Grossly unfair to everyone else.

Doggyperson · 23/02/2020 18:49

I'd get a friend to message 'Daves' mum asking how her and her husband are. Say it's been years since you've seen them etc and when if she says she doesn't know them they can then say "I'm sorry I have the wrong person"

CallMeOnMyCell · 23/02/2020 18:49

I think you need to mind your own business. Let management deal with it when his dad really does die (if he hasn’t).

NaturallyEden · 23/02/2020 18:50

Message his mother and condolence and ask if there's anything you can do at work for Dave?

concerned90 · 23/02/2020 18:50

I've never known my place of work to ask for proof of documents apart from sick notes. As some of you and my husband have said - a lie this big can't be covered forever! It'll come out in the end. I'll keep quiet. I'm off on maternity soon so I'll just try and forget about it

OP posts:
StinkyWizleteets · 23/02/2020 18:50

Maybe Dave has other issues he didn’t want to discuss and used his fathers alleged death as an excuse to confront whatever he was actually facing?

TheyDoDoThat · 23/02/2020 18:50

I couldn’t not comment something like. Glad to see his broken leg is all healed.

Sagradafamiliar · 23/02/2020 18:50

I don't know why you're giving this head space, but since you are, not every parent is a biological one.
He can't pull the same stunt again if he has lied in any case.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2020 18:51

Wow he sounds horrible. You d already mentioned this once to work. I would only do so again if you have hard evidence. .

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 23/02/2020 18:52

For gods sake, getting a possible recent widow involved is abhorrent behaviour.

He's already had the time off so it makes no odds to op. Leave it for management to deal with, or not, it's their choice now.

JillAmanda · 23/02/2020 18:52

I’d take it as far as possible. I hate bullshitters.

idontlike789 · 23/02/2020 18:52

Because I'm a nosey so and so I'd like to find out . Sounds very suspicious have you looked online obituaries? If it's not on there and the cousin knew nothing then I'd take what info you have to a manger what they choose to do with it is up to them .

StinkyWizleteets · 23/02/2020 18:53

Maybe Dave is adopted? Maybe his mums husband is his stepdad? You don’t know what goes on in someone’s life

Itwasntme1 · 23/02/2020 18:53

Stay out of it. You are not Dave’s manager, and this could spectacularly backfire. It could already look like bullying.

I understand it’s annoying, but if it is a lie he will eventually get found out. But do you really want to be the person who either makes false accusations, or gets someone fired?

Fifipopopo · 23/02/2020 18:53

Somebody at my old work did this, it was because he had behaved disgustingly on the Friday towards a younger, female colleague in a hotel at a conference and he knew she'd report him on the Monday. It was sexual assault and the police would have been involved. She felt she couldn't say anything but it all came out two years later when nobody was invited to his wedding but we saw videos of his dad making a speech. He left pretty soon after, don't know if it officially all came out or he just knew we all knew.

muddypuddles12 · 23/02/2020 18:54

OP, when you go on Mat leave - if anything comes of this or you find out the truth (either way) for sure, promise us you'll update us?

Cherrysoup · 23/02/2020 18:55

I don't know why you're giving this head space, but since you are, not every parent is a biological one.

So true. Someone I know took off weeks at a time because her df was dying. He then died. Then her dstepparent was ill and she was off for weeks. Basically, she took off the whole year by coming back before the limit of 3 months was up for how long you get paid for in my organisation.

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