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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My colleague is lying about his fathers death.

362 replies

concerned90 · 23/02/2020 18:18

I've created a throwaway account to post this, as I am concerned any colleagues who see it will be able to connect it to my previous posts about my husband/children and it will be very outing.

Some relevant back story about my colleague who we'll call Dave. Dave is a big Facebook user, an over sharer if you will. Everything about his life, his wife, his child. Dave has form for leaving work early, and has become a little infamous for it. Now, tied in with the Facebook obsession, this has proved Dave to be a liar. Two examples: Dave leaves work an hour after coming in as his son his ill. Three hours later, he uploads a photo of his son sat in McDonald's after a cinema trip. This is during the school holidays. Dave leaves work early as his son has broken his leg and he needs to get to A&E to see him. Two days later, he uploads a video of his son jumping on a trampoline. Comments confirm the video was taken that day.

For the last 4/5 months, Dave has spoken about his father being ill/having dementia. This has also been plastered all over Facebook. About a month ago, Dave comes round to every member of the team individually to let us know his father has died. We all offer our condolences, a manager even drops him home as he doesn't drive. All normal.

Dave deletes his Facebook the moment he gets home. Now this is unusual for somebody so obsessed, but perhaps he needs a break.

Dave's now used up our company bereavement policy but some emergency holiday has been arranged to allow him more time off. Dave comes back on Facebook, but no mention of his father. No comments or anything from his family/friends. No mention of the funeral. This is obviously strange for a man who has posted so much about his father, and other normally private things.

On his birthday, his mother puts a post on Facebook 'happy birthday Dave, love mum and dad'. Dave removes this from his Facebook wall so it doesn't show anymore, but as he was tagged it still shows up on our Facebook feed. We alert the manager, who expresses concern but also advises we need to tread carefully as this could just be habit from his mother as the death has been so recent. Fine.

Another colleague, who we'll call Karen returns from long term sick. Karen asks where Dave has been. We explain that his father has died. Karen posts on Dave's wall saying sorry for the loss of your dad, let me know if I can do anything.

Dave removes the post immediately. He messages Karen saying he doesn't want people knowing his business. Strange thing for a chronic over sharer to say. Dave then deletes his Facebook again.

Over the weekend, another colleague who we'll call Tim, gets into conversation with an old friend. The old friend is married to Dave's cousin. Tim says how sorry he is about the death of Dave's father. The old friend advises that as far as he knew, Dave's father has not died as they have not heard anything.

Now, in my gut I know his father has not died. My head says that all we have is circumstantial evidence, and a conversation in pub. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to senior management? Am I going to walk into a meeting and seem like a crazy person?

AIBU to come to the conclusion that his father has not died and he has taken advantage of the managers being very kind to allow him a month off when usually somebody would get 5 days?

Tell me what you think/and what I should do.

OP posts:
Canadianpancake · 23/02/2020 18:56

I think that he'll trip himself up sooner or later. Just watch and wait, then enjoy the shit storm Grin

WalkingDeadTrainee · 23/02/2020 18:56

There is actually a quite good and possible explanation for all of these.
Dave took DC to cinema because they weren't sick but sad or smth/or he just fancied a day with them.
Dave was told he has to go to A&E because his DC has broken leg. It was a false alarm in the end.
Dave went off FB to have some privacy. These things can change person's outlook a lot. He deletes things because he doesn't want condolences on his FB wall who the fuck does that anyway .
His cousin doesn't know because they are no close.
There are possible explanations for all of it.

I would be very careful here. There are 2 options. 1 Dave is a lying prick. Possible. But also possible he is not. Or you are all bunch of gossiping bastards. Possible. But also possible you are not....

soccerbabe · 23/02/2020 18:56

You do nothing OP, it's down to Tim whether he decides to report this conversation to management or not. And definitely don't contact any members of Dave's family via facebook!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/02/2020 18:56

An employee did this at my work. Pretended his mum had died. He's from Ireland so he had about 4 weeks off on full pay (unusual for the company).

About 3 months later he posted a photo of his family (including mum) celebrating her a milestone birthday. Instant dismissal. What kind of moron does that for a couple of weeks holiday?

However, you've got to consider what others have mentioned - step dad, adoptive parent, uncle/grandpa who was 'like a dad'?

I wouldn't bring it up unless you're 100% certain.

EnidBlyton · 23/02/2020 18:56

Please stay away from his face book, let his managers deal with him, block and hide him and give him no more head space

myusernamewastakenbyme · 23/02/2020 18:57

Years and years ago I worked with a girl who was a compulsive liar....eventually her lies almost got a senior member of staff sacked after she accused him of sexual assault.
Liars are dangerous and absolutely should not be allowed to get away with it.

Itwasntme1 · 23/02/2020 18:57

@StinkyWizleteetsMakes a good point.

You have no idea what is going on here, stay out of it.

Thinkingabout1t · 23/02/2020 18:58

I would give all the information you have to your manager. A good manager would question Dave. Anyone who takes the piss puts extra work on the rest of the team.

Sarahlou63 · 23/02/2020 19:00

Why didn't anyone at work ask how the funeral went? Did NOBODY talk to him?

maddiemookins16mum · 23/02/2020 19:00

I wouldn’t do anything. It will bite him on the arse eventually.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 23/02/2020 19:01

It would serve you right OP, if 'Dave' finds this thread/has one of your back-stabbing cronies play both sides and direct him to it - and reports you. Even if you get it deleted, it will be there to see in black and white.

You are gloating and fully egging on colleagues to do snooping alongside you. I can see why, you won't do it in your name hence your throwaway account.

It's obviously not about the work, it's about Dave getting his just desserts. Mind out that these don't turn around and smack you in the face too.

concerned90 · 23/02/2020 19:01

A lot of people have spoken to him! He's kept up the lie. A couple of discrepancies between the stories but nothing that can't be explained away by grief.

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 23/02/2020 19:02

I’d stay out of it if I were you. It’ll all come out in the end. You’ll be on maternity leave who cares. 🤷‍♀️

OlaEliza · 23/02/2020 19:02

Tell me what you think/and what I should do

Nothing. Mind your own business.

CynthiaRothrock · 23/02/2020 19:02

I lost sibling, I did not post anything on sm. Due to complicated family circumstances we asked those around her to not post anything on her sm or tag her in any posts. At least not until after her funeral. Certain people knowing about her death could have caused a lot of problems, for us and her children.
She was not close to and absolutely despised a few family members. Them Knowing would have been against her wishes. And made a very hard time in our lives even harder.
Maybe Daves cousin was a black sheep that has been kept out of the loop for a reason?

AJPTaylor · 23/02/2020 19:03

I would step away now. You have reported it,leave it to the manager to deal with.

ParkheadParadise · 23/02/2020 19:03

Honestly some people are fucking Nut jobs.
Who would pretend their dad has died?

SalmonOfKnowledge · 23/02/2020 19:04

It's such an audacious lie. Or it would be.

Is there any chance that that photo was his mother posting one from this time last year.

The best thing to do is definitely NOTHING.

LizzieMacQueen · 23/02/2020 19:04

A month's leave for bereavement? That is very generous.

Gonetoget · 23/02/2020 19:04

Dave sounds a bit thick really, if he wanted time off why not just pull a sicky.
It’s a shit thing to lie about and I would feel a bit annoyed about him lying to me, but by the sounds of it everyone knows he’s a bit of a knob anyway and he will eventually come unstuck - he’s already carefully monitoring his Facebook wall in case he gets caught out, imagine how stressful that must be.
Unfortunately, you also sound a bit like an awful busy body (looking up the death notices ?) that I used to work with that would drone on endlessly about other people’s misdemeanours, because she thought it deflected from her own. I hope you’re not like that. Perhaps just leave him to it, if his appalling work ethic isn’t impacting you.

LakieLady · 23/02/2020 19:05

Then the person who is NOK gets to decide if her DH's death certificate can be read by randomers

Death certificates (and marriage and birth certificates) can be obtained by anyone, so NOK have no say in who can read them.

ElderAve · 23/02/2020 19:06

You need to drop this OP and stop snooping and gossiping with colleagues. You're not going to come out of it well. Either Dave has a complex family situation with more than one person called "Dad" or there's something else going on in his life that he's not able to share. It could even be that the manager you reported him to is already well aware of the true situation.

katy1213 · 23/02/2020 19:06

If you're the manager, you could always ask him for a copy of death certificate to process his time-off.

Darbs76 · 23/02/2020 19:07

Of course his absence impacts on the whole team. I’d 100% report him

concerned90 · 23/02/2020 19:07

@Gonetoget one more sickness and he would have lost his job. He's had his final written warning about it already.

OP posts:
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