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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My colleague is lying about his fathers death.

362 replies

concerned90 · 23/02/2020 18:18

I've created a throwaway account to post this, as I am concerned any colleagues who see it will be able to connect it to my previous posts about my husband/children and it will be very outing.

Some relevant back story about my colleague who we'll call Dave. Dave is a big Facebook user, an over sharer if you will. Everything about his life, his wife, his child. Dave has form for leaving work early, and has become a little infamous for it. Now, tied in with the Facebook obsession, this has proved Dave to be a liar. Two examples: Dave leaves work an hour after coming in as his son his ill. Three hours later, he uploads a photo of his son sat in McDonald's after a cinema trip. This is during the school holidays. Dave leaves work early as his son has broken his leg and he needs to get to A&E to see him. Two days later, he uploads a video of his son jumping on a trampoline. Comments confirm the video was taken that day.

For the last 4/5 months, Dave has spoken about his father being ill/having dementia. This has also been plastered all over Facebook. About a month ago, Dave comes round to every member of the team individually to let us know his father has died. We all offer our condolences, a manager even drops him home as he doesn't drive. All normal.

Dave deletes his Facebook the moment he gets home. Now this is unusual for somebody so obsessed, but perhaps he needs a break.

Dave's now used up our company bereavement policy but some emergency holiday has been arranged to allow him more time off. Dave comes back on Facebook, but no mention of his father. No comments or anything from his family/friends. No mention of the funeral. This is obviously strange for a man who has posted so much about his father, and other normally private things.

On his birthday, his mother puts a post on Facebook 'happy birthday Dave, love mum and dad'. Dave removes this from his Facebook wall so it doesn't show anymore, but as he was tagged it still shows up on our Facebook feed. We alert the manager, who expresses concern but also advises we need to tread carefully as this could just be habit from his mother as the death has been so recent. Fine.

Another colleague, who we'll call Karen returns from long term sick. Karen asks where Dave has been. We explain that his father has died. Karen posts on Dave's wall saying sorry for the loss of your dad, let me know if I can do anything.

Dave removes the post immediately. He messages Karen saying he doesn't want people knowing his business. Strange thing for a chronic over sharer to say. Dave then deletes his Facebook again.

Over the weekend, another colleague who we'll call Tim, gets into conversation with an old friend. The old friend is married to Dave's cousin. Tim says how sorry he is about the death of Dave's father. The old friend advises that as far as he knew, Dave's father has not died as they have not heard anything.

Now, in my gut I know his father has not died. My head says that all we have is circumstantial evidence, and a conversation in pub. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to senior management? Am I going to walk into a meeting and seem like a crazy person?

AIBU to come to the conclusion that his father has not died and he has taken advantage of the managers being very kind to allow him a month off when usually somebody would get 5 days?

Tell me what you think/and what I should do.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 23/02/2020 19:23

I'm a manager and I would definitely follow up on this and ask for a death certificate. I'd have let it go for a few days leave but he's really pushed it with a months leave. You don't provide that without something to back it up.

Let people away with this shit and it affects the whole team.

Lifeisabeach09 · 23/02/2020 19:23

Dave is a fucking liar but you aren't his manager so let it roll over you.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 23/02/2020 19:25

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe are you on glue?

Bobbiepin · 23/02/2020 19:25

Really the only way to prove this is to see a death certificate. Calling the mum or any of the other ideas would be terrible if he had died. Get line manager to ask for something official.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/02/2020 19:26

Get a job next year as a census taker and make sure you get the round that includes his parents' house Grin

WalkingDeadTrainee · 23/02/2020 19:31

Post condolences on his mother’s Facebook page. Say Dave told us at work. Then take a screen shot of the truth of the matter for manger.
Then stay away from Facebook.

Fuck off. That is a HORRIBLE thing to do! Hope you kick your little toe on every piece of furniture you pass tomorrow for even suggesting this. Poor woman

PhilCornwall1 · 23/02/2020 19:33

I’d be tempted to stagger into the office, reel over to Dave in front of everyone and cry "OMG"!! Dave!! I've just bumped into your dad!!" and see what he says

Really don't do this. The workplace is somewhere to act in an adult and professional manner.

GrannysBat · 23/02/2020 19:33

Gosh, this makes me sick. How can people tempt fate like this? Disgusting. I would gather hard evidence and show him it.

Darbs76 · 23/02/2020 19:33

We never ask staff for proof of bereavement for special leave for death of a close relative. I’d feel bad asking personally and it’s not company policy. I’ve never felt that anyone was lying about it though. If someone reported suspicions with me I’d say HR had done a spot check and I needed a copy of the death certificate

Floralnomad · 23/02/2020 19:35

I think this kind of behaviour is more common than you’d think . When I was a staff nurse I worked with an HCA that was a chronic liar and the one thing a liar needs is a good memory she had a grandmother that died at least 3x in 18 months and also had her appendix out twice which was particularly clever of her . As for what you do , I’d do nothing because eventually they catch themselves out .

Happierthanevernow · 23/02/2020 19:35

Maybe, just maybe, Dave equates his father's dementia to having 'lost' his Dad, I.e, his old father that he knew and loved has died, but physically he is still alive?
However that is giving him a very generous benefit of the doubt. The truth will put as they say.
I completely understand how frustrating it is to have shirkers and people who take the piss at work. It's just not fair.
Maybe you could regularly ask Dave how his mother is coping, how he is coping, if it is a big fat lie then he will reveal this I inadvertently (I hope I'm wrong).
Keep us posted as this is an interesting post.

Patroclus · 23/02/2020 19:35

ffs alll the achingly noble 'mind your own business' artistes pretending they arnt nosy fuckers like us rabble.

Happierthanevernow · 23/02/2020 19:35

Truth will 'out'...*

SilverOtter · 23/02/2020 19:35

I would report him. I don't think there's anything malicious or spiteful about not wanting to work with someone so astoundingly dishonest!

DICarter1 · 23/02/2020 19:36

I can understand why this pisses you off as he’s constantly taking advantage of work and there will be people picking up the slack. As well as that if someone is found to be taking the piss it could effect how things are dealt with for others.

I think you need to ride it out and see what happens. If his dad is really dead. It’s disgusting if he has lied about something like this.

idontlike789 · 23/02/2020 19:37

Well if he is lying it will catch up with him always does . He may be a compulsive liar who knows . 🤷‍♀️
Some of what happened is plausible the colleague writing on his fb wall, I hate that and I don't think it's appropriate just pm someone condolences.
The cousin not knowing I think is odd though .
I'd probably quite enjoy watching the pretence you know asking how are you Dave is you mum holding up see if he drops any details .

Jeaniealogy · 23/02/2020 19:38

I've just lost my father and if this really is some sort of charade to obtain time off work, then it is truly sickening.
Proving it is as simple as requesting a copy of the death certificate but I guess only if that is specific in the company's bereavement leave policy.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 23/02/2020 19:39

The manager basically told you to mind your own, so I'd be quite worried about what this is doing to your own reputation at work, OP. Either the manager knows things you don't or they want to leave that can of worms unopened.

Patroclus · 23/02/2020 19:40

Ohhhhh mate Bumbles we have to hear more about that

Bagofoldbones · 23/02/2020 19:41

The office busy body!!

Spied · 23/02/2020 19:41

Sounds like Dave has sufficient 'issues' to be getting on with without pitentially losing his job.
He's obviously not well and he knows he's dug himself into a big hole.
I'd not get involved.

Spied · 23/02/2020 19:42

PotentiallyGrin

Patroclus · 23/02/2020 19:42

Would you like to buy some magic beans, Happierthan?

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 23/02/2020 19:42

yes he's in my team. His general inability to do his job without the supposed death of his father has made a lot of people's working life a nightmare

doesn't bother me if he gets sacked. I actually would prefer if he didn't, as he has young kids etc. Just don't think it's fair to exploit people like this.

You need to find a way to let your manager known, casually. He is not only abusing the kindness of your manager, he is abusing you and the whole team as you are picking up his share of the work.

I bet you and your colleagues have children who are spending less time with their mums/dads as they are covering the hours a liar should be doing. Why would your kids have to pay so the other kids’ irresponsible dad can enjoy more time with them?

Mintychoc1 · 23/02/2020 19:44

Everyone who says you should mind your own business clearly thinks Dave is more important and special than all his poor colleagues, who are picking up the slack while he swans around pleasing himself. If somebody does something that has an adverse effect on others, they need to be called out on it. Why is it OK for Dave to have extra holiday, while everyone else works harder?

This “not my business, I’ll leave well alone” attitude is disgraceful. It’s not fair on his colleague’s that he gets special treatment on account of his indiscriminate lying.

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