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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My colleague is lying about his fathers death.

362 replies

concerned90 · 23/02/2020 18:18

I've created a throwaway account to post this, as I am concerned any colleagues who see it will be able to connect it to my previous posts about my husband/children and it will be very outing.

Some relevant back story about my colleague who we'll call Dave. Dave is a big Facebook user, an over sharer if you will. Everything about his life, his wife, his child. Dave has form for leaving work early, and has become a little infamous for it. Now, tied in with the Facebook obsession, this has proved Dave to be a liar. Two examples: Dave leaves work an hour after coming in as his son his ill. Three hours later, he uploads a photo of his son sat in McDonald's after a cinema trip. This is during the school holidays. Dave leaves work early as his son has broken his leg and he needs to get to A&E to see him. Two days later, he uploads a video of his son jumping on a trampoline. Comments confirm the video was taken that day.

For the last 4/5 months, Dave has spoken about his father being ill/having dementia. This has also been plastered all over Facebook. About a month ago, Dave comes round to every member of the team individually to let us know his father has died. We all offer our condolences, a manager even drops him home as he doesn't drive. All normal.

Dave deletes his Facebook the moment he gets home. Now this is unusual for somebody so obsessed, but perhaps he needs a break.

Dave's now used up our company bereavement policy but some emergency holiday has been arranged to allow him more time off. Dave comes back on Facebook, but no mention of his father. No comments or anything from his family/friends. No mention of the funeral. This is obviously strange for a man who has posted so much about his father, and other normally private things.

On his birthday, his mother puts a post on Facebook 'happy birthday Dave, love mum and dad'. Dave removes this from his Facebook wall so it doesn't show anymore, but as he was tagged it still shows up on our Facebook feed. We alert the manager, who expresses concern but also advises we need to tread carefully as this could just be habit from his mother as the death has been so recent. Fine.

Another colleague, who we'll call Karen returns from long term sick. Karen asks where Dave has been. We explain that his father has died. Karen posts on Dave's wall saying sorry for the loss of your dad, let me know if I can do anything.

Dave removes the post immediately. He messages Karen saying he doesn't want people knowing his business. Strange thing for a chronic over sharer to say. Dave then deletes his Facebook again.

Over the weekend, another colleague who we'll call Tim, gets into conversation with an old friend. The old friend is married to Dave's cousin. Tim says how sorry he is about the death of Dave's father. The old friend advises that as far as he knew, Dave's father has not died as they have not heard anything.

Now, in my gut I know his father has not died. My head says that all we have is circumstantial evidence, and a conversation in pub. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to senior management? Am I going to walk into a meeting and seem like a crazy person?

AIBU to come to the conclusion that his father has not died and he has taken advantage of the managers being very kind to allow him a month off when usually somebody would get 5 days?

Tell me what you think/and what I should do.

OP posts:
comfypantsisme · 25/02/2020 15:22

send the flowers with a sympathy card.

AlternativePerspective · 25/02/2020 15:58

I really do detest people excusing shitty behaviour as MH issues. agreed. Besides which even if someone has MH issues doesn’t excuse shit behaviour.

Some of the most notorious criminals clearly have MH issues on account of the fact that clearly it’s not a normal person who carries out some of the crimes they do. But we don’t excuse or try to explain away those crimes under the banner of mental illness.

BubblyWater · 25/02/2020 16:17

Is he married? If it's not true, then where on earth did he go for a month while not at work?

PianoTuner567 · 25/02/2020 16:21

Was he not disciplined/warned after the MacDonalds and broken leg incidents?

LeaderBee · 25/02/2020 16:46

Jesus christ - loads of do gooders on this forum. Just leave Dave to get on with it and stop being a bunch of whiney, gossipy nobs.

ShesCurly · 25/02/2020 17:04

Wouldn't he have been asked questions after the McDonalds / Cinema / Trampolining incidents? Don't know why that didn't happen tbh.

If he's lying then fuck me, what a cold thing to do for some days off.

I would hate the injustice but wouldn't want to get involved and would try to distance myself from it. I think it's easy in offices to egg each other on with stuff like this and I get that because it's unfair if the team is picking up the slack, but I don't know how I would approach it with the manager.

Depends what relationship you have with the manager. Again, if this guy is lying then fuck me that's low.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 25/02/2020 17:41

Presumably he did get pulled up on those previous issues if he's on a final written warning.

It's incredibly rare someone goes through all those disciplinaries once they've been warned about sick leave.

dwum · 25/02/2020 18:01

Ugh

Twillow · 25/02/2020 18:08

Can't believe the people on here saying leave this pisstaker alone!
His work is of dubious worth when he IS there, OP has said. He has two previous incidents arousing suspicion. IF true it is grevious misconduct. I'm not in HR so can't say how it would be investigated, but I do think I would flag concerns with management.

EerieSilence · 25/02/2020 18:09

We had a colleague, years ago, who was a pathological liar. He had a private jet, a pilot’s licence, knew famous people. Asked me if it’s OK to download movies at work if it’s after working hours. We told the manager he can’t be trusted but she wanted to give him a benefit of doubt, was way too soft.
One day she called us into her office to let us know the colleague’s mother had passed away so could we be nicer to him when he returns to work.
Few days passed. The said colleague wasn’t coming back and wasn’t reachable. Concerned colleagues started dropping by the manager’s office. Police called. Turns out, the grieving man borrowed lots of money from his colleagues (few thousand quid from one particularly gullible one who was saving for his wedding). Then he robbed everything that could be moved and sold off his flatmates and disappeared.
As a result I would raise this as a serious concern with the management. Dave could have done more than you know and can’t be trusted at his workplace.

Twillow · 25/02/2020 18:10

I've never known someone attend the funeral of a colleague's relative, that's a bit weird.

Quite a few of our team attended the funeral of a colleague's husband, not because we knew him well but to show our respect and support for her.

1Morewineplease · 25/02/2020 18:25

It does sound as though he is telling lies. He’s had more time off, as a result, than is usual.
You need to make your line manager aware of your concerns.
It’s quite easy to find out if someone has died but some time needs to pass for records to made available.
If you and your team have had to cover his absence then disciplinary action needs to be invoked.
What an awkward environment to work in.

ElderAve · 26/02/2020 07:17

My boss goes to funerals where there's an unexpected shock or particularly tragic circumstances. Although she would make the decision to go based on the personality of the staff member. Some people like the support, others wouldn't like the intrusion. I've told her she's the last person I want at my parents' funerals!

Doggyperson · 26/02/2020 07:29

Any update OP? I want to know if Daves dad is dead!

Way too invested.

Ragglesnaggle · 26/02/2020 10:56

What about Dave's dad's dog?

crapette · 26/02/2020 11:03

@Ragglesnaggle

It's Ken's dog Grin

Ragglesnaggle · 26/02/2020 11:06

As well?? What a feckin terrible week!

BackOnThatRollerCoaster · 26/02/2020 11:12

No way, so Dave's Dad's dog Ken has died too? Almost too much to understand Grin

Bobbiepin · 26/02/2020 19:35

Hang on, whose dog died??

JillAmanda · 27/02/2020 08:37

Ken Dodd’s dad’s dog is dead.

PerkyPomPoms · 27/02/2020 09:06

Poor Ken dog

Doggyperson · 27/02/2020 09:31

Is Ken Dave's dad's dog? Poor dog.

concerned90 · 06/03/2020 21:55

Update!

Dave's manager ran into his wife. Expressed his condolences. Wife is confused and confirms Dave's father is very much alive. Dave comes in at the crack of dawn the next day (office is open from 6 - Dave's manager rarely is in before 9) and hands in sick note signing him off for 6 weeks. Case closed!

OP posts:
zara020 · 06/03/2020 21:59

ShockShock

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/03/2020 22:56

Dave's father is very much alive

Not exactly a surprise is it? Hmm

You mentioned back in February that Dave was on a final warning and that one more sickness period would cost him his job, so probably he'll be gone by the time you get back from maternity leave

Or preferably before ...

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