My colleague is lying about his fathers death.

[concerned90]

I've created a throwaway account to post this, as I am concerned any colleagues who see it will be able to connect it to my previous posts about my husband/children and it will be very outing.

Some relevant back story about my colleague who we'll call Dave. Dave is a big Facebook user, an over sharer if you will. Everything about his life, his wife, his child. Dave has form for leaving work early, and has become a little infamous for it. Now, tied in with the Facebook obsession, this has proved Dave to be a liar. Two examples: Dave leaves work an hour after coming in as his son his ill. Three hours later, he uploads a photo of his son sat in McDonald's after a cinema trip. This is during the school holidays. Dave leaves work early as his son has broken his leg and he needs to get to A&E to see him. Two days later, he uploads a video of his son jumping on a trampoline. Comments confirm the video was taken that day.

For the last 4/5 months, Dave has spoken about his father being ill/having dementia. This has also been plastered all over Facebook. About a month ago, Dave comes round to every member of the team individually to let us know his father has died. We all offer our condolences, a manager even drops him home as he doesn't drive. All normal.

Dave deletes his Facebook the moment he gets home. Now this is unusual for somebody so obsessed, but perhaps he needs a break.

Dave's now used up our company bereavement policy but some emergency holiday has been arranged to allow him more time off. Dave comes back on Facebook, but no mention of his father. No comments or anything from his family/friends. No mention of the funeral. This is obviously strange for a man who has posted so much about his father, and other normally private things.

On his birthday, his mother puts a post on Facebook 'happy birthday Dave, love mum and dad'. Dave removes this from his Facebook wall so it doesn't show anymore, but as he was tagged it still shows up on our Facebook feed. We alert the manager, who expresses concern but also advises we need to tread carefully as this could just be habit from his mother as the death has been so recent. Fine.

Another colleague, who we'll call Karen returns from long term sick. Karen asks where Dave has been. We explain that his father has died. Karen posts on Dave's wall saying sorry for the loss of your dad, let me know if I can do anything.

Dave removes the post immediately. He messages Karen saying he doesn't want people knowing his business. Strange thing for a chronic over sharer to say. Dave then deletes his Facebook again.

Over the weekend, another colleague who we'll call Tim, gets into conversation with an old friend. The old friend is married to Dave's cousin. Tim says how sorry he is about the death of Dave's father. The old friend advises that as far as he knew, Dave's father has not died as they have not heard anything.

Now, in my gut I know his father has not died. My head says that all we have is circumstantial evidence, and a conversation in pub. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to senior management? Am I going to walk into a meeting and seem like a crazy person?

AIBU to come to the conclusion that his father has not died and he has taken advantage of the managers being very kind to allow him a month off when usually somebody would get 5 days?

Tell me what you think/and what I should do.

@Mumtotwo2020 report it as miss post lovely, big hugs xxx

@mumoftwo2020

Start a thread and I'll hold your hand.

Do nothing. Not your business. Stay in your lane.

Management can ask for a copy of the death certificate for their records against his compassion leave

The passivity of MN users never ceases to amaze me. Either people should always be believed because “it could be true,” or if it doesn’t affect you you shouldn’t get involved.

Family member/friend committing benefit fraud/a crime? “Don’t get involved because it doesn’t affect you/could be upsetting for their children if they get in trouble.”

Best friend’s husband having an affair? “Don’t be the one to tel her because you don’t want to be the one responsible for shattering her world.”

Someone has lied about cancer/miscarriage/the death of a child/parent? “Well, it might be true, and if it isn’t they clearly are mentally ill and deserve sympathy.”

Hardly any wonder that people get away with virtually anything.

At the end of the day someone who can lie about the death of a parent/the illness of a child in order to get extra time off work has absolutely no integrity, and depending on what they do for a living their job should be in question. If they e.g. work with customers then how can anything they say to those customers be trusted? And what if that brings the name of the company or the circumstances of the customers into question? And that’s before we acknowledge that he’s a despicable individual who will stop at nothing to get what he wants.

As for people saying that when his dad dies he’ll be caught out, of course he won’t. His mum will probably die then, and as he’s no longer on FB nobody will ever be any the wiser.

Yes, I would go to management, especially if he’s in your team. What management decide to do about it is up to them but I would definitely voice my concerns.

Management do often know about these things and are often biding their time before they act. But that wouldn’t stop me from speaking to them anyway, just in case they don’t or in case what you tell them is a missing piece of the puzzle.

The holier than thou attitude of mumsnet never ceases to amaze me. Leave the management to do their job.

Grassing up a work colleague is a bit different to outing someones affair as we

I think you're a tad too invested, OP and randomers on Mumsnet and think you're right to leave it.

Can you search for his mum and see if there are recent posts/photos of her with his dad?

An old colleague of mine did this, he managed to intercept flowers we had sent to his parent's house. We were a little surprised when we called his house and his dad answered though!!

How about u all stay off Facebook and just get on with your lives? It’s none of your business.
It’s between him and the managers.

Actually no I don’t think it’s all that different.

If it’s a random person you happen to know about then yep. But if it’s a part of your team who is lying in order to get extra (paid) days off work therefore leaving other colleagues to have to pick up the slack, potentially unable to take time off in their own right because he’s taking the piss by lying about the death of a parent, a parent who, presumably because he has dementia, has no idea of the fact that his child has reported him dead, I’d bloody well make it my business.

And if people don’t tell management then they may never find out.

Unless you are his manager back off. You really don't need to be investigating this. Dave's lies mean he will eventually get found out himself and dealt with.

Sounds like the guy needs some help.

Anyone willing to lie to this extent is not doing well in themselves.

I honestly wouldn't get involved, who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I would report
A colleague of mine was doing similar in terms of sloping off from work half day and taking long weekends due to 'ill child' etc. Turns out she was having an affair and conducting it during working hours. It all got found out in the end and she had disciplinary.
I didnt tell management about the affair (I knew for ages. Heard the secret convos etc.) but I did tell them about her sloping off early frequently. We are teachers and I am her head of dept and was sick of covering her lessons and receiving complaints. She still works with me but isn't respected very much as you can imagine.
I hate hate hate liars, and what your colleague has done is beyond disgusting. I would have a word with a senior manager you trust.

@AlternativePerspective

Because you're a busy body.

I worked with someone years ago who had to take a few weeks off as his Dad had passed away. About a month later his mum rang to speak to him, my boss answered the phone. He offered his condolences to her, she said his Dad was alive and well. It wasn’t the first time he’d done this either, he lost his job as a result of the lie.

In my early twenties I worked with a girl who was a bit of a tale teller. She had asked for time off for her 21st birthday but it had been denied due to low staffing levels.

The morning of her 21st she called in to say her Mum had died! We were all devastated for her. I text her and got a reply saying ‘ she just died, I don’t know what happened’

Something about it made me so uneasy. Anyway, we sent flowers to her family home and her brother rang to say we had the wrong address. I apologised and said that was the address we had for the colleague and that I was so sorry for his loss. He said something quickly that I never caught and hung up.

A week later while shopping I bumped into the colleague and her very much alive mum.

The sad thing is about 4 years later the woman did drop dead.

I’d pass on my concerns to management and then leave it (not that I wouldn’t be madly intrigued by what was actually going on - there is something absolutely infuriating about a liar who you know is lying!)

I get why you’re annoyed OP, I would be too and I’ve been in similar situations where colleagues have taken the piss over sick/bereavement/childcare leave and left everyone else picking up their slack while they swan off.

I’ve been in similar situations where colleagues have taken the piss over sick/bereavement/childcare leave and left everyone else picking up their slack while they swan off.

IME people who say things like this haven't had to take time off for these things, or prioritise work over everything and have 0 respect for anyone who doesn't

IME people who say things like this haven't had to take time off for these things, or prioritise work over everything and have 0 respect for anyone who doesn't presumably though it depends on how PP meant it.

Having to take time off for actual sick leave/bereavement is of course understandable and shouldn’t be questioned.

But there are people in every organisation who take the piss re time off sick for instance which just makes it so much harder for anyone who has a genuine illness, and is part of the reason why so many companies now have disciplinary policies for excessive sick leave taken to weed out the pisstakers.

As for making up a bereavement, that is just despicable behaviour.

@GiveHerHellFromUs You will note my use of the qualifying phrase “Taken the piss”. I absolutely want people to be able to take the time off that they need, I’ve always championed that, would support to the hilt those who need it and been grateful for those who’ve supported me when I’ve had time off for bereavement or other personal circumstances. But there are always those who take the piss - whose last minute holiday request is declined because it won’t leave enough cover and whose subsequent bout of short-lived illness just happens to coincide with the holiday they wanted. Or who claim compassionate/parental leave for things they admit afterwards didn’t actually happen but hahaha, they got some time off, isn’t that a good wheeze? Or who just can never be arsed to turn up on time but always have an excuse why they need to go “ a bit early”.

It’s those ones I’m talking about. The ones who make life harder for others because slack has to be picked up, and because privileges and flexibility get withdrawn because of them.

How did he get away with the kid has a broken leg thing?
I suppose when his dad does die he'll say his mum has.

if he's a habitual liar, he will lie about something else

you will probably find your manager is investigating and has escalated

I manage (indirectly) around 300 people so sadly see this all the time. I had one of my direct reports lie about his mother dying 6 months after mine had genuinely died. When he came back to work, and his phone rang and it said mum, he told the person next to him that it was his step mum who had called mum2 since his dad had married her. Everything generated another lie. It was only when he was off on holiday with his girlfriend and his ex wife drove past the office to pick up a parcel for one of their kids and I happened to be walking past reception and said hello to her. We had idle chit chat and she said 'well we must be going, we're off to see nanny'. I said (thinking of my mum) 'it must be lovely having her so close by that you can go and see her' and she said 'yes, though seeing the pictures of exh around does wind me up a bit'. Of course it was this bloke's mum, who hadn't died. He doesn't even have contact with his dad's wife. Everything was a lie. We sacked him when he got back and found there were so many other things he lied about.

Sadly when you manage staff you see the best and worst of people. I still don't get how someone can lie about something like this but I guess trying to understand it gets you nowhere!

I've never known someone attend the funeral of a colleague's relative, that's a bit weird.

My partners Boss came to my mams funeral.Never met the man before or since.I thought it was lovely,showing a bit of respect.