My colleague is lying about his fathers death.

[concerned90]

I've created a throwaway account to post this, as I am concerned any colleagues who see it will be able to connect it to my previous posts about my husband/children and it will be very outing.

Some relevant back story about my colleague who we'll call Dave. Dave is a big Facebook user, an over sharer if you will. Everything about his life, his wife, his child. Dave has form for leaving work early, and has become a little infamous for it. Now, tied in with the Facebook obsession, this has proved Dave to be a liar. Two examples: Dave leaves work an hour after coming in as his son his ill. Three hours later, he uploads a photo of his son sat in McDonald's after a cinema trip. This is during the school holidays. Dave leaves work early as his son has broken his leg and he needs to get to A&E to see him. Two days later, he uploads a video of his son jumping on a trampoline. Comments confirm the video was taken that day.

For the last 4/5 months, Dave has spoken about his father being ill/having dementia. This has also been plastered all over Facebook. About a month ago, Dave comes round to every member of the team individually to let us know his father has died. We all offer our condolences, a manager even drops him home as he doesn't drive. All normal.

Dave deletes his Facebook the moment he gets home. Now this is unusual for somebody so obsessed, but perhaps he needs a break.

Dave's now used up our company bereavement policy but some emergency holiday has been arranged to allow him more time off. Dave comes back on Facebook, but no mention of his father. No comments or anything from his family/friends. No mention of the funeral. This is obviously strange for a man who has posted so much about his father, and other normally private things.

On his birthday, his mother puts a post on Facebook 'happy birthday Dave, love mum and dad'. Dave removes this from his Facebook wall so it doesn't show anymore, but as he was tagged it still shows up on our Facebook feed. We alert the manager, who expresses concern but also advises we need to tread carefully as this could just be habit from his mother as the death has been so recent. Fine.

Another colleague, who we'll call Karen returns from long term sick. Karen asks where Dave has been. We explain that his father has died. Karen posts on Dave's wall saying sorry for the loss of your dad, let me know if I can do anything.

Dave removes the post immediately. He messages Karen saying he doesn't want people knowing his business. Strange thing for a chronic over sharer to say. Dave then deletes his Facebook again.

Over the weekend, another colleague who we'll call Tim, gets into conversation with an old friend. The old friend is married to Dave's cousin. Tim says how sorry he is about the death of Dave's father. The old friend advises that as far as he knew, Dave's father has not died as they have not heard anything.

Now, in my gut I know his father has not died. My head says that all we have is circumstantial evidence, and a conversation in pub. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to senior management? Am I going to walk into a meeting and seem like a crazy person?

AIBU to come to the conclusion that his father has not died and he has taken advantage of the managers being very kind to allow him a month off when usually somebody would get 5 days?

Tell me what you think/and what I should do.

This is so completely out of order, there's no way it should be a 'do nothing' situation, but it isn't for the OP to do any investigating. Frustratingly for the OP, it's up to the management how to handle this, although as pp have said, if Dave's absence is impacting too much on OP's workload, then that's a separate conversation to have.

All I would do in this situation, is if more concrete evidence came my way, would be to pass it on.

Gosh - so many posters saying that it is OK for an employee to lie/take the piss/skive/let their colleagues take up the slack/be stupid enough to post some of it on FB and receive full pay.

Poor, poor Dave - maybe you should all go round and do his cleaning for him or buy him some lovely treats to cheer him up as he must be really struggling with something. You should also possibly consider transferring some of your salary to him too.

Bollocks - he is a lazy, lying twat and needs to be pulled up on it.

@AlternativePerspective
I agree to tell a friend or acquaintance that their partner is cheating on them, or tell the government about someone committing benefit fraud. But the most that will happen to you in those situations is you will be bad mouthed by the person you told or told on.

In ops situation, if she isn't believed or turns out to be wrong, dave could file a complaint of bullying. If he raises a big enough stink, and he will, op could be fired. That is not a risk I would be willing to take over anything. She has told management as well, they haven't done anything yet. I'd leave them to it. Being fired means no income, and then possibly struggling to get another job. I'd not risk going homeless over some knob lying.

What happens when one day his DF does actually pass away and he actually does need the time off? Such a despicable thing to lie about. Sounds like a very troubled individual and a compulsive liar.

There are some really disgusting suggestions on here. It makes you realise that some people care not one jot about who they are upsetting, so long as they get their little buzz.

This happened to my friend who had a small business, his employee took time off because his dad died but then eight months later at Christmas was wearing a new jumper, my friend commented on it and the employee said ‘Oh it’s a Xmas present from my dad’....
I run a small business as well and I would really appreciate it if a member of staff who had concerns about a staff member lying and defrauding the company would let me know. I know that it’s more difficult in a corporate office environment but surely the principle is the same.

My friend pulled this re her mum - I called her house hoping to send bereavement flowers with the money I had collected from our class...... it was amazing when her mother answered the phone.....

Wouldn't it be nice for your team to offer to send flowers to Dave's Mum?
I'm wondering how he'd wriggle out of that one. Maybe his Mum is allergic to flowers 🤷‍♀️

@BrightYellowDaffodil those people should be subject to disciplinaries.

Apologies if I misunderstood your post - I've worked with many people who assume that anyone who's taking any time off is 'taking the piss' when in reality they just have different priorities.

I run a small business as well and I would really appreciate it if a member of staff who had concerns about a staff member lying and defrauding the company would let me know. I know that it’s more difficult in a corporate office environment but surely the principle is the same. actually that’s a point. Isn’t it fraud? Therefore technically a crime?

Obviously most companies would just sack the twat concerned but a company could technically take legal action couldn’t they?

The problem with this bloke is that this isn’t the first time. he’s already been caught lying about his child (twice) with proof so when this kind of thing happens it’s a bit like the boy who cried wolf.

If a colleague met the man’s cousin who had no knowledge of the father’s death then IMO it’s a bit of a stretch to think that he really did die.

What happens when one day his DF does actually pass away and he actually does need the time off?

Well he'll probably be about 5 jobs on by then

@catzrulz fabulous idea about the flowers!

I once worked with someone who did this. She had about a month off because her dad died then a month or so later, her dad surprised her (and us!) by visiting her at work! Don't know how people can live with themselves after lying about something so awful. Hope your guy gets found out and your work do something about it!

crappette, where? I haven't seen a single post saying that it's ok for Dave to do this. Not a one. Just that OP should let her manager deal with this - the absenteeism and the colleagues having to pick up the slack because of that.

I've seen some really pathetic and horrible suggestions from thigh-rubbing posters getting off on drama though. Urgh.

@crapette
Have you also considered that he may actually have been sick, but due to his employers policy of issuing written warning for sickness he had no alternative but to make up a stupid excuse - I couldn't personally do that one, but he doesn't sound terribly bright anyway.
Phone in sick and lose job - op has said he would lose job, or make up a bereavement. If you have kids and a mortgage, what would you choose?
The office that the op describes also sounds extremely gossipy, they're all swapping tales and trying to catch him out. The op is practically spying on him - looked up the death notices, checking local papers, stalking him on Facebook
Dave might be the biggest lying dickhead that ever walked the earth, in which case he will get found out. Or he might have some other stuff going on in his life, that the op and the office coven are not aware of. I think I'd be using up my sick leave if I had to work in with the op, who sounds like a total busy body.
Lastly, another poster mentions the sanctimony of posters saying to mind your own business, I wonder if the ops own work performance would stand up to the level of scrutiny that this blokes getting.

Have you also considered that he may actually have been sick, but due to his employers policy of issuing written warning for sickness he had no alternative but to make up a stupid excuse
This has got to be the most batshit thing I've ever heard .
Dave says I've had that much sick leave I have another day off I'll be fired, I know I'll say my dads died no one will question that .
So it's either true or he's a nutter and there is absolutely no excuse for saying that someone has died to get time off never mind your own dad .
Ffs I'm nc with my and I still wouldn't say that .
I don't get paid sick at all and to get ssp I'd have to get a sick note, I honestly couldn't afford to be off sick but to claim a relative had died is sick . I can't believe people would do that and I can't believe some people are justifying it .

I haven't said its something I would do, or condone, but from his reasoning if you're about to be fired for another sickness and compassionate leave is all that's left, then maybe desperate times call for desperate measures.

Send flowers to Dave's mum.
If your suspicions are unfounded it will still be a nice gesture .

I wonder how HR would tread if the bereaved employee were raised in a religious polygamous, traditional Chinese, harem or whatever set-up. Say your mother was Concubine #4 but #11 who raised you together with the others copped it. Would you get any considerate treatment?

Gay adoption has been around for some time and it's interesting how few posters realise it is perfectly possible to have two dads.

Having been bullied at work by a nosy busybody obsessed with knowing my business and trying to catch me out, I can just say that people really need to learn to keep their beak out of things that don't concern them.

I'd buy some popcorn and then sit and wait for it all to unravel.

Have you also considered that he may actually have been sick, but due to his employers policy of issuing written warning for sickness he had no alternative but to make up a stupid excuse - I couldn't personally do that one, but he doesn't sound terribly bright anyway. oh come on. If he’s had so much time off sick that he had to make up a bereavement plus two instances of his child being ill then his absence record needs looking into anyway.

If he’s genuinely that ill that he has to take repeated amounts of time off sick then management would be aware through doctors’ notes etc.

And he was caught out lying about his child. Twice.

Sounds like he has mental health issues and has wrongly used his father as an excuse for time off. Just sounds like something is way off here.

DH use to work with someone like this but was hard to get rid of them, person was so stupid they'd go out on the piss regularly, tag fb and didn't care if people had seen them and called in sick the next day (or not at all for days in a row) frequently. Years after he left, they finally got rid of them.

Focus on you, there's only so long a person like this can carry on before they trip up.

You'd never get away with that in Ireland. We've got rip.ie here where every death is listed, plus it's the norm to go to the removal the evening before at the very least if you knew a family member of the bereaved, if you can't attend the funeral the day itself.

Some families do hold private services but the details would still be listed on the website and it would be normal to send a sympathy card or basket /donation to charity from work colleagues.

I really do detest people excusing shitty behaviour as MH issues.

If he’s lied about his dad being dead then it might be MH issues, or he might just be a lazy CF twat who doesn’t give a shit. One thing does not always equal the other, and it does a real disservice to people with genuine MH concerns to have every example of shitearse behaviour lumped together under that banner.