My colleague is lying about his fathers death.

[concerned90]

I've created a throwaway account to post this, as I am concerned any colleagues who see it will be able to connect it to my previous posts about my husband/children and it will be very outing.

Some relevant back story about my colleague who we'll call Dave. Dave is a big Facebook user, an over sharer if you will. Everything about his life, his wife, his child. Dave has form for leaving work early, and has become a little infamous for it. Now, tied in with the Facebook obsession, this has proved Dave to be a liar. Two examples: Dave leaves work an hour after coming in as his son his ill. Three hours later, he uploads a photo of his son sat in McDonald's after a cinema trip. This is during the school holidays. Dave leaves work early as his son has broken his leg and he needs to get to A&E to see him. Two days later, he uploads a video of his son jumping on a trampoline. Comments confirm the video was taken that day.

For the last 4/5 months, Dave has spoken about his father being ill/having dementia. This has also been plastered all over Facebook. About a month ago, Dave comes round to every member of the team individually to let us know his father has died. We all offer our condolences, a manager even drops him home as he doesn't drive. All normal.

Dave deletes his Facebook the moment he gets home. Now this is unusual for somebody so obsessed, but perhaps he needs a break.

Dave's now used up our company bereavement policy but some emergency holiday has been arranged to allow him more time off. Dave comes back on Facebook, but no mention of his father. No comments or anything from his family/friends. No mention of the funeral. This is obviously strange for a man who has posted so much about his father, and other normally private things.

On his birthday, his mother puts a post on Facebook 'happy birthday Dave, love mum and dad'. Dave removes this from his Facebook wall so it doesn't show anymore, but as he was tagged it still shows up on our Facebook feed. We alert the manager, who expresses concern but also advises we need to tread carefully as this could just be habit from his mother as the death has been so recent. Fine.

Another colleague, who we'll call Karen returns from long term sick. Karen asks where Dave has been. We explain that his father has died. Karen posts on Dave's wall saying sorry for the loss of your dad, let me know if I can do anything.

Dave removes the post immediately. He messages Karen saying he doesn't want people knowing his business. Strange thing for a chronic over sharer to say. Dave then deletes his Facebook again.

Over the weekend, another colleague who we'll call Tim, gets into conversation with an old friend. The old friend is married to Dave's cousin. Tim says how sorry he is about the death of Dave's father. The old friend advises that as far as he knew, Dave's father has not died as they have not heard anything.

Now, in my gut I know his father has not died. My head says that all we have is circumstantial evidence, and a conversation in pub. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to senior management? Am I going to walk into a meeting and seem like a crazy person?

AIBU to come to the conclusion that his father has not died and he has taken advantage of the managers being very kind to allow him a month off when usually somebody would get 5 days?

Tell me what you think/and what I should do.

I’d take screenshots of any evidence I could and send them anonymously to management to deal with, and I wouldn’t feel a second’s guilt about it.

Really? In my work at least four or five people will attend. I have attended funerals of close colleagues parents, siblings, spouses and on one occasion a grandparent.

I remember my parents doing the same for their colleagues.

I would be really hurt if no one came to a funeral of a parent.

Agree if it is a lie the truth will come out

@Weirdomagnet glad to be of service

All the sanctimonious mumsnetters telling OP to mind her own business... After they've just clicked on a thread entitled "My colleague is lying about his father's death". It's a bit late to act like you wouldn't take an interest in this situation if it was in your own life... 😆

Flossie it’s interesting as a story, or plot twist in a tv show. But not something I would risk my career over.

Reading in story on the internet is very different from lodging a complaint at work.

My advice was trying to protect OP.

You've already passed on your concerns. I'd stay out of it for now. He'll trip himself up at some point (even more so).

"I've never known someone attend the funeral of a colleague's relative, that's a bit weird. "
Don't move to Ireland then. We turn out en masse to support our colleagues and it is appreciated.

In my workplace he’d have been disciplined over the ill kid thing!

I knew someone who lied about a long list of things including both her mother and her sister having cancer. This necessitated her requesting special leave to go and look after them, but strangely enough she never actually used the leave, she always cancelled it and came in saying that something had changed and she couldn’t go. I think she just liked the attention and sympathy. The sister story was particularly bollocks, though - it was obviously a lie because the details were v wild and wonderful and made zero sense.

I’m not in Ireland and most line managers go to funerals if it’s a parent or child that’s died.

If hes lying hes sick thats realy low

i assumed these warnings have come about from his previous absenses lying about his son?

Here's an idea. Bring in a plate of cakes for your colleagues and announce, "These are for anyone who has got a dad still alive." If he reaches for one, BUSTED.

Facebook message Dave’s mum saying sorry to hear about his dad. No need to say death or anything like that. Just Sorry to hear about. You can always say sorry wrong Dave if hes not dead!!

The truth will out.

Maybe management are making their own enquiries, but minimised it to the original poster to avoid speculation and office gossip. It would be unprofessional for management to discuss their staff’s shortfalls with other members of staff.I agree this sounds like a lie, due to his having previous absences, but I did actually have a colleague some years ago who was off because her. Father died but it was not the Dad she lived with who turned ouT to be a step dad so that is possible.

Up to managers to sort it out. You all sound quite mean chatting about him. Raise it to your manager if you must but the suggestions to call his mum are nasty.

DFIL got the shock of his life when he bumped into the ghost when out shopping one day.

This made me crack up!

Every office has one ☝
Ours told the boss he couldn't go to another place of work because he was banned from driving and didn't have a car. 2 weeks later he asked for time off so he could get his car fixed. He is a giant piss taking twat who has no regard for anyone else. Constantly goes home early, never does any work. We always pick up the slack.

Not saying you're in any way wrong to feel aggrieved by this but you have reported your concerns once so I would leave this now and try to swallow the frustration until you go on mat leave.

You have no proof and to continue to labour the point and participate in gossip will not reflect well on you.

Yes, in the pattern of the lower-grade piss taking this looks bad but none of it is without possible explanation.

Even if you are proven right it is not some big fraud you have solved that will win respect (not saying this is your objective here), the outcome is more likely that Dave is suffering some serious mental health trouble or other issue incompatible with his job.

I think this would be more likely for most people than lying about their father dying. I was recently off for a long time and if I hadn't been able to have that time to recover I would have been in a very bad way (I would never have lied like this but I would have felt backed into a corner massively).

If he is just a bullshitter, this will come out in time. If he isn't and his dad is dead, if you continue you will have been part of a witch hunt against a bereaved man and management will not look particularly kindly on that.

concerned90 I'm sorry you are getting a hard time from some posters and am sure if they were your position they might be more sympathetic because dishonest at this level does affect everyone in your workplace.

In a previous life I worked in HR and policy was that a death certificate or funeral notice from the newspaper was normal practice. I even supplied such proof when my MIL died and I needed time to help family with funeral etc.

Like your work colleague, my DD (unfortunately estranged) told her friends and work colleagues etc that I died prior to her moving to that area to live. Apparently she decided this stopped questions and garnered sympathy, as my death was quite recent, she probably also took time off work.

Not knowing about my death at that time, I was trying to contact her to hopefully restore our relationship and because I didn't have her address or exact location, on her birthday I put a notice in a major city newspaper 'wishing her all the best for her special day, would love to see you, Mum xoxo'.

Some years later, I was told the proverbial hit the fan and while I will never know the details, she then made up some other story to explain my birthday wishes to her. If I had known that I was supposed to be dead, then I wouldn't have embarrassed her, but the news hadn't reached me.

People who do this have an explanation for everything and in a work situation it affects all other employees and management need to be told, but they should also take action as well.

I’d leave it .
Look , if you’ve reported your concerns to management who won’t do anything , then there’s a possibility of the following scenarios.

1. They’re not very good at managing.
2. They’re just observing and building a picture , and don’t want to let on.
3. They know all about Dave and - for some reason - they’re protecting him .

None of the above sounds good for you , and I’d be very careful. If it’s the last scenario, think about what might happen if there’re any need to reduce staffing levels.

My husband works with someone who’s conducted an affair with a colleague on work premises , sleeps on the job ,leaves his workplace untidy and unsafe , and leaves students unsupervised in workshops . Sixth form college students , so - mostly and essentially - children.
And nothing happens . Zip . The management know.
And if they know and if they let it happen , it’s not going to be the person they’re favouring who suffers long run.

Worth a thought

Leave it. Just give them a nudge if he dies again though.

mum of two