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Original poster

Bride not allowing children to abroad wedding...

573 replies

Chokedwiththecold · 23/02/2020 09:15

Now, I know how this sounds, but I can't help being a bit annoyed about it.

I know that I don't Need to go.

My best friend is getting married this year abroad. Its over the school holidays so the price of the flights and accommodation is absolutely sooooo expensive. We are a very close girl group of 7 of us and 3 of us will have new born babies by the time the wedding comes around. Wedding was only booked a few months ago. Anyway, what's annoying me is the bride has said no kids allowed. I totally understand that people don't want kids at a wedding but I'm feeling really sad about not having to bring my baby as is our other friends. I don't see what difference it would make either. It's not like the would be running around making noise etc. I feel like I might not go but when I mentioned this she seemed so annoyed. I honestly don't know if I should go or not. I'm on the fence. My baby will be 5 months old.

Am I being unreasonable to think she's maybe being a little but unreasonable about this and she could have just allowed her best friends with their children.?

Thanks for listening to my rant.

OP posts:
BellatrixLestat · 23/02/2020 10:09

She has said no kids at the wedding, does that mean just the wedding itself or the entire trip?

I think she's fine to say no kids at the wedding but the entire trip is completely unreasonable as she cannot dictate what you do for the rest of the time there.

Could you take baby and then leave him/her with your partner for the day of the wedding? I know that's a bit rubbish for your partner but at least one of you goes and you both get to enjoy a holiday.

Nanna50 · 23/02/2020 10:10

and she said that she thinks it's best and that a lot of the people she has spoke to are happy to leave their kids so they can relax and enjoy the wedding . Their kids are all at school though.

I still don’t understand this, if it’s school holidays do all her other friends have people they can leave their children with in the U.K. or does she mean friends will be happy to leave their kids at the hotel unsupervised for the day?

ineedaholidaynow · 23/02/2020 10:11

150 people! Does she live in this destination or she or the groom have any connection to it?

DH and I have been invited to 2 weddings abroad, but both involved countries where the bride was born not a destination one so their families still lived there. We went to one and made a big holiday out of it, we declined the other as DS was a baby.

flowery · 23/02/2020 10:11

”Maybe not, but unless she is paying for a professional childcare service at the venue and timing the whole day around parents needing to nip off to feed their babies or comfort their toddlers every hour or two, then what is the solution?”

Well as I said, our solution would be DH in charge of DC while I attend wedding. OP confirmed she is not breast feeding so no issue there. That’s what we’d do.

converseandjeans · 23/02/2020 10:11

I think if she was bothered about who could make it she'd would organise a wedding that meant everyone could come.
We planned our wedding with the guests in mind. I honestly would not have considered child free as loads of friends had babies at that point.
In the end lots didn't bring children & that was their choice. We had 3pm wedding so that people travelling and those with small children would find it easier.
I think she will be upset - but will understand once she has her own baby.

Hamsterriffic · 23/02/2020 10:12

Totally her choice not to have children there but she IBVU to be annoyed if then people can’t/won’t go. I wouldn’t go either OP... her choice, don’t feel bad

MarchDaffs · 23/02/2020 10:13

Is it being held somewhere you would actually want to go OP? If so then by all means go with your partner who can look after the baby while you're at the wedding, then make a holiday out of it. If not then there's your excuse for not spunking a load of cash to visit somewhere you're not interested in, spend it on something else instead.

Xiaoxiong · 23/02/2020 10:15

My cousin is doing this, European destination but most guests are coming from the USA. She has specified that only DH and I are invited and not our DSs, but I know her two sisters will have a 6 and a 1 year old respectively and I bet you anything they will be there, as well as all the other guests flying from the States with kids. I'm pretty sure that it's just my kids not invited and DH works weekends so can neither come nor look after the DCs.

This is REALLY not a thing in our family - when the other cousins got married all kids were invited, when I got married we had all the kids there, etc. DMum has taken the hump on my behalf (more so than me!) and wants to stay in the UK with my DCs, so I will go with my dad to show willing. But if anyone asks where the rest of our side are, I'm not afraid to say why!!

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 23/02/2020 10:16

Its a shame her 3 best friends won't be going because she won't allow babies. I did ask her about it and she said that she thinks it's best and that a lot of the people she has spoke to are happy to leave their kids so they can relax and enjoy the wedding

This is a relatively new thing and I can't for the life of me think why people assume a parent is going to be more relaxed leaving their very young children at home while they go abroad, or leaving them in a hotel room in the care of a stranger, than having them with them for the day. It's just bonkers. Only a person with no kids would ever think that.

If you want a child free wedding and you want all your good mates with children to be there for you then you have to have that wedding in a location that the majority of them can reach easily, without having to be away from home for more than one night.

And you have to make an exception for very small babies who might be BFing or just too young to leave. If you won't do that then you care more about the whole theatre production of your wedding and how it's going to look on Instagram than you actually care about your friends. That's really what it boils down to.

timeisnotaline · 23/02/2020 10:16

I would definitely not be going, but to try and not destroy the friendship would suggest the other ‘best friends’ and you get together and do a video to play at the reception or email a mini speech for someone to read? Full of we’re so sorry we can’t make it, and not saying any of the ‘of course If you cared that much about us and having us at your wedding you wouldn’t have had a children overseas wedding 🤷‍♀️‘

EL8888 · 23/02/2020 10:16

Her wedding = her way. As others have said you don’t have to go. I’m sure no one wants lots of wailing babies at their wedding. But magically this is forgotten once they have their own children and want to take them to weddings

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2020 10:16

I wouldnt go just becsuse its school holidays and really expensive.

Might be 'their wedding, their choice', but does nobody consider their guests any more?

cobwebfew · 23/02/2020 10:17

She's not being U for not wanting children at the wedding but is is being very U for being annoyed that you might not attend because you have to leave your 5 month old, possibly breastfed, baby behind. It would be a deal breaker for me, absolutely.

BahMooQuack · 23/02/2020 10:17

I agree with March

Holiday time is rpecious and money is (generally) hard to come by. I'd not spunk time and money on a wedding that would prevent me from being with family and perhaps taking another family holiday.

DH last year went abroad for a funeral. I was very supportive of that although I did not go (childcare, school etc). But it did not mean that we could not go on our family holiday. (It also meant he came back and raved about how nrgeat the palce was (Cyprus) so we are going there this year!).

None of that really adds to thie thread I know, but I am ill in bed and alone so am just wittering on gently. Grin

Thinkingabout1t · 23/02/2020 10:18

I would explain that you can’t afford to go, and arrange a get-together, including the other friends.

But make that after the wedding, as she’ll be frantic with preparations beforehand. She can then show off her photos and talk about the wedding, and you can all relax.

relax2 · 23/02/2020 10:19

One of my best friends did this , had kids but only family kids so no others allowed . I really didn't want to miss the wedding but felt that it was too far to go 8 hours away without them so I took them and took my parents with me and they had the children whilst we went to the wedding and the rest of the time we had a nice family hol :)

Original poster
Chokedwiththecold · 23/02/2020 10:20

@Nanna50 @ineedaholidaynow
I won't give the exact location but the other resorts near by aren't even a popular holiday destination and are over an hour away in each direction. They don't have any connection to the country, just a popular couple.

I've made my decision, so thanks for your input. It was good to hear it from both sides, and again, I know it's not my wedding and she is entitled to have kids there if she wants to or not. Im not going and nor are my other 2 friends. Now to tell the bride this Confused she can't be angry though....hopefully

OP posts:
Herringbone31 · 23/02/2020 10:21

I don’t mind child free weddings. However my husband was asked to be best man. Our childcare fell through. Groom and bride wouldn’t allow us to bring our kids. It was an emergency. But they steadfast refused. I would of thought being the best man they might of allowed it. But nope. I had to stay at home for 3 days. On my own. With a newborn whilst I was very unwell. Was a terrible weekend.

Tistheseason17 · 23/02/2020 10:21

Why is such a large wedding in another country?
Is she or her fiance from that country?
That would make more sense.
Then I would say it's a shame but not totally unreasonable of your friend.
I'd decline politely, either way

Herringbone31 · 23/02/2020 10:22

They also did have some kids there. Which pissed me off even more. I obviously wasn’t important to this couple. Which really saddened me

CaffiSaliMali · 23/02/2020 10:23

Every child free wedding I've been to has allowed babes in arms or babies under 1 year.

We invited children to our wedding. The youngest baby in attendance was 7 weeks, we also had a 3 month old baby who had flown in from abroad with his parents, an 8 month old and two 11 month olds. Some of the loveliest photos we have from the day are of the babies, and I got to have lots of cuddles with them.

A friend with a 5 week old baby declined, and I completely understood. Wouldn't have invited her to a day trip distance wedding without her baby, let alone a wedding abroad.

I wouldn't go if I were you OP.

QuixoticQuokka · 23/02/2020 10:25

I breastfed my child and couldn't express to save my life so I couldn't have gone while my child was under 3 in those circumstances. I think it's poor form to exclude infants and breastfed toddlers and she will regret not having had her friends at her wedding.

JudyCoolibar · 23/02/2020 10:27

Tell her that unless she is prepared to make an exception for babies under 1 it will be impossible for you to go. You really can't be expected to leave a 5 month old behind, or to pay for someone to come with you to look after the baby. If you're breastfeeding, it will be even more impossible.

ThePreviewPoster · 23/02/2020 10:27

Quite apart from the expense, even if you were willing in principle to be separated from your baby, it might be difficult to arrange childcare for such a young baby (unless there is a willing and capable granny on hand, or your DP is prepared to stay at home).
If you're breastfeeding, it would be impossible or at least extremely difficult and somewhat risky to leave a 5 month old for an extended period. Even if you leave a large supply of frozen breast milk, what if baby decides it doesn't want to take a bottle when you're thousands of miles away?

MaggieFS · 23/02/2020 10:27

I wouldn't go.

We had a child free wedding, but babes in arms were very welcome and I checked beforehand what those mums would need to be comfortable. Further, it wasn't abroad and wasn't in the school holidays.

Even if I hadn't breast fed DS, I think abroad is too far to go to leave them at five months. Presumably you'd be away for at least a couple of nights?