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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bride not allowing children to abroad wedding...

573 replies

Chokedwiththecold · 23/02/2020 09:15

Now, I know how this sounds, but I can't help being a bit annoyed about it.

I know that I don't Need to go.

My best friend is getting married this year abroad. Its over the school holidays so the price of the flights and accommodation is absolutely sooooo expensive. We are a very close girl group of 7 of us and 3 of us will have new born babies by the time the wedding comes around. Wedding was only booked a few months ago. Anyway, what's annoying me is the bride has said no kids allowed. I totally understand that people don't want kids at a wedding but I'm feeling really sad about not having to bring my baby as is our other friends. I don't see what difference it would make either. It's not like the would be running around making noise etc. I feel like I might not go but when I mentioned this she seemed so annoyed. I honestly don't know if I should go or not. I'm on the fence. My baby will be 5 months old.

Am I being unreasonable to think she's maybe being a little but unreasonable about this and she could have just allowed her best friends with their children.?

Thanks for listening to my rant.

OP posts:
DingleberryRose · 25/02/2020 08:47

Am I being unreasonable to think she's maybe being a little bit unreasonable about this and she could have just allowed her best friends with their children

YABVU, it’s her wedding and she can do as she pleases. We had a child-free wedding as had been to so many where children are crying during the vows or screeching during the speeches. We didn’t want our day ruined.

YANBU if you don’t go.

ScreamedAtTheMichelangelo · 25/02/2020 09:02

Have you noticed that it’s always the people who have childfree weddings that are the ones who don’t accept people declining their invitations with good grace

I wonder if that might have something to do with the fact that those with children will start mithering them about how selfish they’re being rather than just RSVPing no.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 25/02/2020 09:29

I think that there has been a change in the way people view weddings these days. When I was first married about 25 years ago it did seem very much like my husband and his mother (he had no other family) and me and my lot were joining.

If that's how you think of weddings then yes, it does seem odd not to invite all members of the family.

This time around, however, it is a second marriage for both of us. I'm close to my family, he isn't close to his, but that's irrelevant because we see our wedding being about our love and starting our life together. Therefore it's not so important to have all our families around because it's not about them.

It's not selfish, it's not strange, it's just different. As a society we are becoming more insular and we see it on here every day when people are advised to concentrate on their own little family instead of being part of a wider family and community. Well, that's what my partner and I are doing. That's what a lot of couples are doing.

Of course there are the weddings where the bride has gone full on bridezilla and demanding all sorts. They have a big shock when the wedding mania starts ams they are left with the reality of marriage!

elenacampana · 25/02/2020 09:31

Inviting kids to your wedding means putting chicken nuggets on the menu, getting in kid entertainment etc etc and I just wasn’t doing it. Then there’s the added cost of them, having to get bigger venues and the noise they make.

I have literally one kid in my life I’m close to and she was at mine. My husband has 4 in his family so they were there too. I don’t have very much to do with the children of friends so they weren’t invited - all left at home and not a fuss from anyone.

I’m not selfish or bridezilla. I just had one day that I could craft perfectly exactly as I wanted it. 1 day from your whole life to go without compromise is not unreasonable.

I’d have made an exception for a tiny baby but wouldn’t have wanted anyone over 3 months there. If that wasn’t acceptable to the parents, I’d have been fine with those people refusing.

LaurieMarlow · 25/02/2020 09:37

There’s nothing selfish about not wanting kids at your wedding. I find many people totally over estimate how close the B&G are to their children.

However, babe in arms at a wedding abroad is a different proposition. I don’t see how the mother can be expected to come to that.

ClubfootMaestro · 25/02/2020 09:56

@ScreamedAtTheMichelangelo you’re bang on. It’s because people get shitty when they’re kids aren’t invited.

@lauriemarlow abroad I don’t think it’s a babes in arms thing. My little one is nearly two and I wouldn’t want to leave her to go to a different country for a wedding.

The babes in arms thing is not really a good idea even in this country. No, you don’t have to pay for a baby, but nor do you have to pay for an 18 month old in most venues. Babies may not run around but they do cry, vomit, mean a stressed mother walking round frantically trying to shush them - I certainly noticed the babies at mine. One couple even left half way through dinner before the main course as their newborn was still kicking off and wouldn’t settle, which I do understand and bore no ill will but the food we had paid for went to waste.

To me, I am far more interested in who the child is and if I have a relationship with them than how old they are. I would never get married without my nieces there but people bringing a babies I will hardly ever see again is something I might not do if I had my time again.

Mumgonenuts2020 · 25/02/2020 10:22

I also had a friend that bought her new born it wasn’t abroad and they were fine. You can’t please everyone, but I was quite flexible tbh. I had the same issues when I got Married in 2006. My sister had my 9 month old niece, we had one pregnant friend and DH had some cousins that had no childcare and had to bring their one 2 year old and location wise they were more pissed off with that than bringing the children! When I had my first child There was a family wedding I couldn’t go as I couldn’t get childcare he was 2.5. My DH went on his own with his his sister and ate my Dinner that he forgot to tell them I couldn’t come!! It was a good wedding too!!

Berrengaria · 25/02/2020 10:35

Your wedding day is a very special day so I can understand how the bride doesn't want children there. However, friends are also very important and I feel that she should really have compromised here. To arrange her wedding at the time of children's holidays (most expensive time) and then to say they can't come.......... Very inconsiderate. I don't feel that she is thinking of her friends here at all - only herself. You have to ask yourself is she an important part of your life or are your children? For instance who is going to entertain your children whilst you're away? Sorry but if it was me I just wouldn't go. You could always use the excuse that you can't afford to go or you could tell the truth. If she's a true friend then she'll sulk, have her wedding but still be your friend on her return. If not then what in all honesty have you lost? Your decision though in the long run.

honeybee88 · 25/02/2020 10:59

Dont go. Not unless you can easily afford it and you can have a babysitter for the day. Your baby needs you.

Barney60 · 25/02/2020 11:08

as a compromise ( I totally understand no children at a wedding) could you all go make it a family holiday but just you go to the actual service leave h/p with child while attend? or even go with grandparents and both attend the service?

Kirkman · 25/02/2020 11:44

Have you noticed that it’s always the people who have childfree weddings that are the ones who don’t accept people declining their invitations with good grace

No. I have known several brides get very arsey because people decline for all manner of reasons. Even when kids are invited.

Mumgonenuts2020 · 25/02/2020 12:10

What will the friend do after she has children then.. if she had a baby then eventually.. 😄 she will may be in the same predicurement as Op it does come down to cost I guess, my side didn’t have a big family but my DH did and they wanted every man and their dog at ours.. 😂 I am so glad I don’t have to worry about that anymore!! Too much energy on this exhausts everyone in the end

CaptainButtock · 25/02/2020 12:34

YANBU. And when she has dc of her own, she will realise and be Blush at how unreasonable she was.

Ilovechinese · 25/02/2020 13:17

Yanbu at all. One of my friends is getting married and has said no children are allowed which she knows would be difficult for me as I have 3 children and both my parents are passed away and have no one who can really look after them and now I have found out they are making exceptions for two of her fiances friends kids so I explained my difficult situation of having no one to have my children (which she should already know as she has been my friend for years and knows my parents are no longer here and I also have a young baby) thinking as she Is my close friend for a long time she would try and make an exception for me but no she just said "oh" so that combined with other things lately has made my mind up for me that I wont be going

elenacampana · 25/02/2020 13:20

You’re all assuming she’ll have ‘dc’ and will then understand. It’s entirely possible that someone won’t want children ever. It’s also entirely possible she will have them and won’t change her mind. You can’t speak for her.

GabsAlot · 25/02/2020 13:29

Have you told her yet op

of course she can invite who she likes but cant be annoyed if you say no either

DingleberryRose · 25/02/2020 15:26

You’re all assuming she’ll have ‘dc’ and will then understand. It’s entirely possible that someone won’t want children ever

Agreed! I don’t want children, not does DH and there are more childfree men and women people than ever before. We need to stop making assumptions that having children is the default.

ScreamedAtTheMichelangelo · 25/02/2020 16:01

Agreed. The smug "just wait until the silly non parent has kids, hee hee!" line is so irritating. It assumes that of course all mums have the same view on this (clearly not - some who've said YABU are parents) and is upsetting to those for whom being a parent is sadly not possible. I'm sure some would love the chance to find out how silly they apparently were, but never will...!

Mumgonenuts2020 · 25/02/2020 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumgonenuts2020 · 25/02/2020 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScreamedAtTheMichelangelo · 25/02/2020 16:57

@Mumgonenuts2020 Not sure I understand your point to be honest. I own my irritation from the perspective of an infertile person but it'd be nice if people could stop assuming that having babies is the deciding factor in childfree weddings or not.

Giantcatbear · 25/02/2020 21:09

YANBU. I wouldn't want to leave a 5 month old for several days. She's entitled to have whatever kind of wedding she wants, but not to be annoyed that you don't fancy going.

Onceuponatimethen · 26/02/2020 07:44

It’s a very simple question really. If you want a child free wedding go for it. Not everyone will come.

Onceuponatimethen · 26/02/2020 07:45

I wouldn’t go but also would think fair enough - each to their own

Onceuponatimethen · 26/02/2020 07:46

Bride in turn has to take the same view - it’s ok if people don’t go

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