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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bride not allowing children to abroad wedding...

573 replies

Chokedwiththecold · 23/02/2020 09:15

Now, I know how this sounds, but I can't help being a bit annoyed about it.

I know that I don't Need to go.

My best friend is getting married this year abroad. Its over the school holidays so the price of the flights and accommodation is absolutely sooooo expensive. We are a very close girl group of 7 of us and 3 of us will have new born babies by the time the wedding comes around. Wedding was only booked a few months ago. Anyway, what's annoying me is the bride has said no kids allowed. I totally understand that people don't want kids at a wedding but I'm feeling really sad about not having to bring my baby as is our other friends. I don't see what difference it would make either. It's not like the would be running around making noise etc. I feel like I might not go but when I mentioned this she seemed so annoyed. I honestly don't know if I should go or not. I'm on the fence. My baby will be 5 months old.

Am I being unreasonable to think she's maybe being a little but unreasonable about this and she could have just allowed her best friends with their children.?

Thanks for listening to my rant.

OP posts:
BabyWenger · 24/02/2020 21:53

I don't think I'm doing people a favour, I just don't want children there. I'm perfectly happy for people to decline. It's up to them.

Some people think kids make a wedding, I don't. I've been at several weddings with the ceremony and speeches ruined by children - or their inconsiderate parents not removing them.

I don't want to spend many thousands of pounds for my many good friends and family (90% of which do not have children) for it to be drowned out by kids.

Megan2018 · 24/02/2020 22:05

Best wedding I went to was one where kids and babies were encouraged. The bride and groom had 3 and 1 year olds and lots of their guests had kids. At the start the lovely lady vicar said that everyone was welcome, including the little people and that noise was fine and to encourage them to join in, not to take them out if they cry etc.
The 3 year old tan down the aisle after his mummy which had the congregation and vicar giggling and all the babies chattered and some cried. It was fabulous- and I was firmly childfree at the time.

A lot of brides take themselves very seriously-which is their right- but it is very sad and not in the spirit of a wedding.

Nanny0gg · 24/02/2020 22:06

I suppose I think with these child free weddings is that the people with children clearly aren't that important to the bride and groom. Same for expensive destination weddings. The guests don't matter.

BabyWenger · 24/02/2020 22:15

@Nanny0gg my guests absolutely matter, massively so.

But 90% of them and the ones I am closest to do not have children, neither do we. I don't want to invite a colleagues/cousins children who I don't have a relationship with. I'd prefer a small number to decline.

Friendsofmine · 24/02/2020 22:24

It's other people's children (not very close family) who didn't matter to me, their parents did!

Ginfordinner · 24/02/2020 23:22

I don't think I have ever attended a child free wedding. People are far more important to me than places, and I am not precious about being the centre of attention either. IMO brides who think that babies and small children will steal their thunder must have self esteem issues.

Nanny0gg · 24/02/2020 23:24

Sorry, should have made clear.

When it's close family (brothers, sisters) or your (alleged) 'best friends'

I get it when it's your second cousin's brother-in-law's children.

But best friends? No, they can't matter that much.

juliawilks72 · 25/02/2020 01:28

You’re friend is acting ridiculous- l can only assume she does NOT have children - let her have an empty wedding & l would decline her invite ASAP !!!!!

beth2702 · 25/02/2020 01:43

I find this hard to credit. Such a profound lack of understanding of the basic needs of a tiny baby and mother. Every day matters at this tender age. Please don't go. Is she really the friend you thought she was. I wonder.

ClubfootMaestro · 25/02/2020 03:35

IMO brides who think that babies and small children will steal their thunder must have self esteem issues

It’s rarely got anything to do with babies stealing thunder, that would be ridiculous. It’s more about disruption and dynamic.

Andpppy · 25/02/2020 04:26

There is a lot of me me me being posted on this thread. It all seems to be some vacuous self interest. First up in a year when the Southern Hemisphere burnt down, fires in the US last autumn were in precedented and our own local U.K. weather has been record flooding, this bridal party are giving a big thumbs up to making it worse by trooping of elsewhere on flights. Indeed the flights will still go. But unless every single last one of us bears some personal responsibility and does a little bit less to utterly destroy the future for the kids all are claiming to be so caring of then it’s not going to be so nice of them. Second up dragging a five month old half way round the world for a friends wedding is grossly unfair on the child. Give them a pile of disruption and maybe a bit of exposure to disease which will be far more dangerous to them than the parents - I don’t think that’s very nice.

ShriekingBansheela · 25/02/2020 05:03

She tried to sue me for 10.000 dollars for air fare,car rental. attire and accommodations. She got laughed out of court and was instead required to pay me for 5000 for missed worked and attorney fees plus the vacation we missed out on

Shock
FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 25/02/2020 05:39

Another thing that really annoys me is that everyone always blames the bride. Bride is selfish, bride is me me me. Sometimes it is not just the bride that doesn’t want kids! The groom has a say too.

Actually in my experience the grooms mostly don’t give a stuff about the finer detail of their own wedding plans and own weddings and will just agree with whatever their fiancée tells them she’s decided.

ScreamedAtTheMichelangelo · 25/02/2020 06:36

@Megan2018 I can see that you and the other guests found this wonderful but I think it sounds horrendous. I think that’s kinda the point of the thread - everyone has the right to choose what kind of wedding they want, and it’s not selfish to exclude children. Neither is it selfish to decline the invite. Everyone just has to accept those choices.

(The irony of those choosing childfree weddings being “me me me” and thinking the world rotates around their own wedding, because they haven’t prioritised the children of all of their guests - it’s not lost on me. Grin)

Kirkman · 25/02/2020 06:50

but it is very sad and not in the spirit of a wedding.

How is not being happy at children running round or disturbing things not in the spirit of a wedding?

lisclick · 25/02/2020 07:47

I wouldn’t go. I think she’s being very hurtful. Maybe the “best friend” feeling is not as strong for her as it is for you. TBH I don’t get child free weddings at all - aren’t they supposed to be happy family occasions for everyone to celebrate? It’s very Anglo Saxon to ban children from things - can you imagine Italians doing it? They would think it was mad. Tell her if it’s a choice between your newborn and her expensive wedding, it’s a no-brainer. The difficult decision comes if she says you can bring your baby- would you want to go knowing that ideally she wouldn’t have your baby there?

Saoirse22 · 25/02/2020 07:56

YANBU.

I totally understand her point of view, but I don't think she thought it through. I personally wouldn't attend because a baby that small comes first, period.

And if it was my wedding, I would honestly drop the idea of foreign wedding if I had three close friends with such small babies - I value my friends more than my one overpriced day that puts all the guests in debt.

Syrinx89 · 25/02/2020 07:58

There are soooo many threads on this. Their wedding - their choice! I certainly won't be having young children at mine. My view is to bring your baby with you, have a little holiday, and get your DP to look after while you attend the wedding. Best of both worlds!

ClubfootMaestro · 25/02/2020 07:58

aren’t they supposed to be happy family occasions for everyone to celebrate?

No. No, they’re not. They’re meant to be for the bride and groom to celebrate with those closest to them, which may or may not include children. This “they’re a family occasion” so you’re an arse if you don’t invite 12 toddlers you barely know is just nonsense, I have no idea where it came from.

Babybel90 · 25/02/2020 07:59

Have you noticed that it’s always the people who have childfree weddings that are the ones who don’t accept people declining their invitations with good grace?

beautifulstranger101 · 25/02/2020 08:04

Have you noticed that it’s always the people who have childfree weddings that are the ones who don’t accept people declining their invitations with good grace

Yes.

I love all the posts about "I only want the people i care about to be there- not their kids"
Um... banning kids means alot of the people closet to you WONT be there lol
Also agree that its a very white anglo saxon thing to have child free weddings. Ive been to Italian weddings and they were so much fun- everyone was included and it was brilliant!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 25/02/2020 08:06

I can well understand no kids, because especially if there could be a lot who couldn’t be left out if X and Y were invited, it will add considerably to the cost.

Babes in arms are a different matter though - they don’t need a place at the table or an expensive meal. We recently attended a lovely but relatively inexpensive wedding where babes in arms (but no children) were welcome.

Maybe the bride is worried about the sort of people - there will sometimes be one - who won’t immediately take the baby out if it starts crying during the ceremony or the speeches.

Paulolina · 25/02/2020 08:14

No kids weddings are always shit anyway

Ginfordinner · 25/02/2020 08:18

Who are these people who have hundreds of friends? I know an awful lot of people, but I wouldn't class most of them as friends, more as friendly acquaintances, and I wouldn't be inviting them to a wedding.

My experiences of weddings seems to be different from most posters as the ones I have been to have been mostly family weddings, where entire families have been invited. And none of them have been ruined by badly behaved children because the parents made sure they behaved themselves (or took them out)

How hard is it to request that noisy children be removed from the ceremony before the ceremony? And why can't the celebrant/vicar pause if the child(ren) start being noisy and just ask that the child(ren) be removed at that point? Maybe said parents might learn at that point that there are occasions where allowing their precious little Freddie/Frederica to be noisy is inappropriate?

And, as far as speeches are concerned, do people really listen to them? They aren't exactly the most interesting part of a wedding.

Rooska1 · 25/02/2020 08:34

I would not go. Five months old! I think your friend is being very unreasonable.