Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m raising a child with too high expectations

177 replies

Missmummy88 · 23/02/2020 07:38

So we are coming to the end of half term & my 8yo just came in this morning sadly saying “I haven’t had a good half term, I haven’t got to do what I want to do”. This really upset me. For context he has a 4 yo brother and I work 3 days per week. I am also pregnant so haven’t been getting up with them at 6 but taking advantage of no school runs and laying in until around 8am while they watch cartoons and eat fruit & brioche.

This week they have:
Friday (inset) - softplay in morning (4 yo choice ) then swimming (8 yo choice)
Saturday - swimming lessons, went to look at a new car (which they enjoyed sitting in all the different vehicles) then popped over to grandmas and saw the cousins (similar age, played cops and robbers etc)
Sunday - church with Sunday school where they did crafts and a play followed by many biscuits then popped to mil with Dh while I caught up on some housework
Monday - I went to work, my mum took the boys out for milkshakes and a trip to the library - they then played at hers until I collected them around 5.30
Tuesday - I went to work, mother in law took them to the local farm where they rode go carts then she took them shopping and brought them new books
Wednesday - I went to work, my mum took them to the theatre to see a bubble show which they seemed to enjoy with their cousins. They then went for a sleepover at my mother in laws
Thursday - returned from mother in laws at mid day (I did housework in the am so I am free to play with kids now I’m off work) afternoon they played on consoles (their choice of activity)
Friday - took them to cinema, came home had lunch then went for a nice bike ride with dog.
Saturday - popped to my mums, played with cousins, went for a bike ride through forest, played a game at local tennis courts and then got hair cuts
Today - we have a dishwasher being installed but if time and weather permit we will go for another bike ride. Being a Sunday they will be expected to get bags ready for school and put their washing baskets away, baths etc later.

To me that seems like a fair week with a mix of activities and a mix of people, but my ds seems really sad. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said play monopoly which I have said of course we can this morning but he still seems low.

Aibu to think he’s expectations are too high? Do you play with your kids more than I have? We’ve been out for activities but I guess I haven’t sat down and done a board game. We do read together every evening and sit at the table and eat, so I consider that we do connect even on my working days.

I just feel I’m not enough right now☹️

OP posts:
Patchworksack · 23/02/2020 07:42

Kids are odd. It may be as simple to solve as playing Monopoly today - had he actually said before this that he wanted to play?

Isabellaswann · 23/02/2020 07:43

I think you are taking this too personally (meant kindly)

Original poster
Missmummy88 · 23/02/2020 07:44

This is the first time he’s mentioned monopoly, he does love a good game but only if he’s winning if he’s not he’ll get bored and give up after 20 mins!

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 23/02/2020 07:45

I wouldn’t read too much into it. It sounds like he had a very nice time but, as is the way with kids, he’s being very irrational about the ONE thing he didn’t do.

My SIL has a good system for holidays - she sits down with the kids and makes a list of all the things they want to do that holiday. Then everyone’s on the same page. Might be an idea for you?

BendingSpoons · 23/02/2020 07:45

He might just be feeling a bit sad it's over and feeling like he could have made more of the time. You have done plenty!

Vulpine · 23/02/2020 07:45

I'd find out what it was that they wanted to do and do it

RhymingRabbit3 · 23/02/2020 07:47

"I haven’t got to do what I want to do" doesnt mean he hasnt done anything. It sounds like you've done loads but maybe not things he wanted to do. Did he choose any of the activities (apart from swimming on Monday). Maybe he would actually prefer to do less as it sounds like a very full on week! You could ask him what he means and also maybe point out to him all the fun stuff they have done - he is old enough to understand not being ungrateful.

Swimbikerun · 23/02/2020 07:49

I reckon he has had a lovely holiday, but is sad (or worried) about going back to school.

AJPTaylor · 23/02/2020 07:49

More likely he has realised it's school tomorrow!.
Sounds like you have done well esp with grim weather.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 23/02/2020 07:50

I think maybe your expectations are too high. From what I can see he has had 2 days at home. Maybe he is trying to tell you that he needs a bit more down time? Those activities and outings are all great, but theres been a lot of them. Mine are 5 and 8 and would be exhausted if I did all of that.

BraveGoldie · 23/02/2020 07:52

OP, I don't think your child necessarily has too high expectations..... he is just feeling a bit low.. very natural on the last day of half term break.... I think there is almost always some 'buyers remorse' regret for what could have been.

I would just tell him it's ok to be sad sometimes and give him a hug.... no big deal.

Perhaps it is your expectations that are too high? Kids don't always need to be happy. And if they aren't it doesn't mean you are not good enough. It means they are human. Goodness knows we as adults often get to the end of a holiday and wish it wasn't/ we'd had a different experience. Doesn't mean anyone screwed up.

Sending hugs

Ozgirl75 · 23/02/2020 07:53

I’m sure it’s more that he’s had such a nice time that he wants more of it and not to go back to school.

scrappydappydoo · 23/02/2020 07:56

I wonder if it’s a subconscious reaction to you being pregnant. Could he be a little anxious about how you’re going to spend time with him and his brother and the new baby? He may see school holidays as his time with you and worried that it will all change and this has come out as a whinge and a sudden desire to play monopoly. Not saying it’s your fault - it sounded like a lovely half term and he probably doesn’t realise himself just kids sometimes express feelings in weird ways.

ExcessiveAdmin · 23/02/2020 07:56

Pretty sure he just doesn’t want to go back to school! I used to get the blues on the last day of the hols ( still do a bit!). Probably just his way of communicating it, I wouldn’t take it personally at all.
It sounds like he’s had a lovely week and is sad it’s over-I.e. you did a great job and he wants it to carry on!

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 23/02/2020 07:58

You're taking it way too personally. For a start kids are fickle, if they have one dull morning they might well say they're entire holiday was boring. Also they'll only compare to what's normal for them.if you usually let them spend £200 at the toy shop, spending £150 would seem like a deprivation.

SoloMummy · 23/02/2020 07:58

It's been action packed. No down time and by the sounds of it very little autonomy or choice over the activities. I imagine he'll return to school, exhausted!

The activities sound nice but exhausting. Maybe he can't verbalise that he wanted to just do what he wanted, be that choosing toys to play, watching TV or nothing....

It's a hard balance when you're working 3days,but maybe next time ask what he'd like to do, planning the time together, to meet both children's needs and ensuring some lazier days too...

Janaih · 23/02/2020 07:58

That sounds like loads. We've mostly just watched tv.
Agree think he is sad about end of holidays but articulated this in an unusual way. They also know how to tug at our guilt strings. Dont overthink it Flowers

notespeciallyno · 23/02/2020 07:59

Some of the unhappier kids I know are the ones who are always dashing off here there and everywhere. I think kids need (and want) a stripped back schedule with lots of playtime at home but we are programmed to think we must be out and about all the time.

Katienlisa · 23/02/2020 08:03

In my experience kids want your time spend less time doing lots of fancy activities and more time playing together the most precise gift u can give to kids is your time and attention

toomuchtooold · 23/02/2020 08:03

I have twins who are almost 8 and when they say things like this I think a lot of the time it is just their developing awareness of like, themselves, and the passing of time... when they're smaller they just love in the moment and they either love something or hate it, once it's over they don't give it much thought. But now they are able to feel like regret, and to be more self aware and ask themselves "am I really enjoying this?" But unlike adults they don't really have that filter of what's socially acceptable to say. Mine are going through a real meh phase right now and I see DH especially struggling with it, they used to be very solidly for or against whatever we suggested so you could sort of ride on their enthusiasm. It's weird after 8 years to be back at "I don't know, what do you want to do?" Only this time with two additional indecisive moaners, that we made ourselves...

GinDrinker00 · 23/02/2020 08:04

Maybe spend the day at home with him playing board games and a film or something? Maybe he just wanted a day at home? My 8 year old loves chill days at home rather than constantly out and about, it can be very tiring for them.

Ozgirl75 · 23/02/2020 08:05

Personally I think it seems like a perfectly normal amount of activity for those aged children. There’s loads of free play time in there and lovely things like bike rides and seeing family.
It’s not like they’re “big” trips out to theme parks every day - a trip to the library or the cinema is hardly likely to leave them exhausted.

Fatted · 23/02/2020 08:06

My DS1 can be a bit like this. If he had the choice he would happily stay at home all day playing on his own. He moans about going out, but always enjoys it when he's there.

I get it because I work full time and I'm not there in the holidays as much as I'd like to be. I wasn't off with them this week. DH does condensed hours so had two days off with them though. The weather has been crap and even with the childminder, they've kind of been stuck to indoors activities which don't come cheap.

I do try and ask mine what they want to do and try to do one thing with them each day. Even if it's just I'm sitting on the sofa with them while they play on their Nintendo. But it's not easy when you have more than one and a tonne of other stuff to do.

Do what others have suggested and make a list of what they'd like to do in the holidays. My DC always ask to go to the seaside though in the middle of winter! But also use this time to remind him of the fun things he has done this week.

ivykaty44 · 23/02/2020 08:07

We used to try and sit to the dinner table & eat with a game of uni, shut the box or boogle afterwards. Not easy with different ages (often foreign students) but somehow this time seemed really important

Flaskfan · 23/02/2020 08:13

I remember feeling devastated when Ds, aged 8, said he'd had the worst Xmas day ever. Why? We wouldn't let him take his lego thing up to bed.Confused