To think I’m raising a child with too high expectations

[Missmummy88]

So we are coming to the end of half term & my 8yo just came in this morning sadly saying “I haven’t had a good half term, I haven’t got to do what I want to do”. This really upset me. For context he has a 4 yo brother and I work 3 days per week. I am also pregnant so haven’t been getting up with them at 6 but taking advantage of no school runs and laying in until around 8am while they watch cartoons and eat fruit & brioche.

This week they have:
Friday (inset) - softplay in morning (4 yo choice ) then swimming (8 yo choice)
Saturday - swimming lessons, went to look at a new car (which they enjoyed sitting in all the different vehicles) then popped over to grandmas and saw the cousins (similar age, played cops and robbers etc)
Sunday - church with Sunday school where they did crafts and a play followed by many biscuits then popped to mil with Dh while I caught up on some housework
Monday - I went to work, my mum took the boys out for milkshakes and a trip to the library - they then played at hers until I collected them around 5.30
Tuesday - I went to work, mother in law took them to the local farm where they rode go carts then she took them shopping and brought them new books
Wednesday - I went to work, my mum took them to the theatre to see a bubble show which they seemed to enjoy with their cousins. They then went for a sleepover at my mother in laws
Thursday - returned from mother in laws at mid day (I did housework in the am so I am free to play with kids now I’m off work) afternoon they played on consoles (their choice of activity)
Friday - took them to cinema, came home had lunch then went for a nice bike ride with dog.
Saturday - popped to my mums, played with cousins, went for a bike ride through forest, played a game at local tennis courts and then got hair cuts
Today - we have a dishwasher being installed but if time and weather permit we will go for another bike ride. Being a Sunday they will be expected to get bags ready for school and put their washing baskets away, baths etc later.

To me that seems like a fair week with a mix of activities and a mix of people, but my ds seems really sad. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said play monopoly which I have said of course we can this morning but he still seems low.

Aibu to think he’s expectations are too high? Do you play with your kids more than I have? We’ve been out for activities but I guess I haven’t sat down and done a board game. We do read together every evening and sit at the table and eat, so I consider that we do connect even on my working days.

I just feel I’m not enough right now☹️

@toomuchtooold has it right.

Did you ask him what it was that he particularly wanted to do that he didn’t?

I’m not sure any parent could have done more. A big mix of activities, people and stimulation. I do feel that children do know how to push parental buttons at times, and it is without knowing the effect on their parents, but it still hurts. I think a gentle conversation about how their time has been used well during this holiday and a very large dose of you being gentle on yourself. As others have pointed out, it may well be back to school blues ( I’d be down after a week like that having to go back to school. Perhaps a refocus on what he has done would be helpful for him?

we had moments where we did less than half of that.and were quite happy to sit and do nothing.sometimes all they wanted to do all holidays was be able to stay in their pjs and watch tv all day.that was a holiday of awesome lol.

I agree he sounds a bit spoilt. Thats a lot of activities and if you add up the cost of all that its a significant amount.

I wouldnt be feeling guilt, I'd be feeling a bit cross he's moaning after I spent a huge amount of time and effort and money on keeping him entertained. I would pare down the activities next time- let him realise not everything is about his entertainment.

Life isn’t all beer & skittles. Sooner they get used to it, the sooner they don’t become an entitled little twat.

yes i agree, ask him for some ideas, and don't take it personally. It also might be that he is comparing himself with what others are doing?

At Christmas my 10 year old (he has some developmental issues) got everything he put on his list for Santa. He got a minecraft hoodie, and a couple of books and an audio book. That is what he asked for, and he got other things as well.

he was delighted Christmas day, but Christmas night he came to me sobbing because he had not gotten very good presents. I was utterly furious and incredibly hurt. But the next day i realised what the issue was.... he watches some of those you tube videos and his favourite you tuber had shown off all her presents... masses and expensive (including a new i-phone 11). he was comparing to her.

My Dcs have some very rich friends whgo spend every half term skiing or going on expensive holidays. And I always feel a little flat and wonder if I am just too boring, too poor, or simply not enough. I am none of those thing,s but am making comparisons where I am coming up short.

I agree he sounds a bit spoilt. Thats a lot of activities and if you add up the cost of all that its a significant amount.

lol that's totally not how an 8 year old thinks though. Since he didn't get to choose most of them he may well have felt he was being dragged around to a load of stuff he didn't want to do when he'd actually have liked to have a week to relax at home reading or playing lego. (I think it's just as likely he feels sad/worried about something else and is just expressing it badly though).

I think he's trying to tell you he did too much, not that he didn't do enough...

lol that's totally not how an 8 year old thinks though

It is if he stopes getting them. My point is- doing TOO much makes them assume they can do whatever they want and it then ceases to be special. If you limit exciting trips out to occasional treats (eg theatre trips) then they appreciate them more.

Its the same analogy with Christmas presents- if you have 20 presents to open they stop being exciting after the 5th one. Less is often more.

stops

Sounds like a lovely week. Kids have short memories. In my house this kind of comment would have been met with me reminding him of all the things we have done and questioning whether he enjoyed it and asking what he did want to do. I wouldn't necessarily go out my way to fix it.

Hes probably just sad to go back to school.

Perhaps he just genuinely loves playing board games, my DS did (still does, joined the uni board games club ), we used to spend half terms with my DPs in the most beautiful part of the country, a real tourist destination, all he wanted to do was play monopoly with my parents every.single.day. We compromised by playing for an hour every morning after breakfast before going out and again after Supper!

We haven't even done half of that, mainly because we had no money to do anything. It's been mostly my DC playing together or with me, watching tv or playing board games. My DD did have a sleepover at my DM's Monday after we had been swimming and then a sleepover at her friends on Tuesday, but other than doing a food shop on Friday, we haven't done anything. I asked her if she had a good half term and she said yes.
Sometimes I think we focus so hard on doing activities to keep them entertained and stop them getting bored that we forget that sometimes the just like to spend time with us.

If mine has 5 minutes of upset out of a whole day of fun where they’ve enviously enjoyed themselves, the conclusion when reflecting on the day later on is it didn’t have a good day’. I just tell them that 5 minutes of a bad time does not equal a whole day ruined.

My kids would be bored ridged stuck at home watching tv but every child is different. Mine are both high energy and if we’re “at home” then they’re out on bikes to the park etc - honestly in 9 years I don’t think we have ever had a day where we’ve just sat in pyjamas watching tv. They would probably manage a couple of hours and then be very restless.

But all children are different and recharge differently. You know if yours like being out and about or complain - I know my kids have friends who would just potter and moan about going out but mine are the opposite.

So only you know whether you set the activity limit right.

I do agree with other posters that the more you do the more they expect though!

@MimiLaRue

My point was that 8 year olds don't tend to tot up the cost of activities or have an understanding of budgeting and working for money. Many would be more happy with a free trip to the local adventure playground than an expensive cinema trip anyway. I remember being 6-10 and being taken to fairly expensive holiday camps and being called ungrateful when I said I'd prefer to stay home. I needed some time to decompress and wanted a little bit of autonomy. Not being dragged to places I should be grateful for. Not saying that's whats happening here though!

That actually looks possibly too busy. Did he have much downtime?

Oh, I’ve just asked my seven year old what was his favourite bit of half term — he’s been at an art camp in the mornings, seen both sets of grandparents and two aunts for fun things, spent a fair bit of time with me, seen two films, had two play dates — and he says the best bit was a game he and I invented yesterday that involved rolling up his pyjama top into a ball and tossing it across the stairwell at one another.

We haven't done nearly half as what you/your DC's have.

I really wouldn't worry about the quantity more about the quality.
My DD 6 sounds quite similar to your eldest, I always remind her we can't do stuff out every single day and have days at home where we have to be creative and think of different activities/games etc.
I have a baby so I'm a slave to the naps ATM.

and he says the best bit was a game he and I invented yesterday that involved rolling up his pyjama top into a ball and tossing it across the stairwell at one another

Love this! my kids are similar- just goes to show that spending shed loads of cash on trips out isn't always whats valued or remembered when looking back. I remember the best times with my parents were chats we had and moments where we laughed together. Not times when they spent loads of money on me to do some fancy activity

I've only had three days off and I feel like I haven't got to do everything I wanted to do either. It's back to work tomorrow

Just do what I do and tell them life's not to be enjoyed, merely endured in stoical fashion.

Yeah, I recommend Pyjamaball to everyone. Totally free, easy, and apparently more fun than skiing in Andorra.

I wouldn't worry. Kids can often seem ungrateful - you can have a day or week of wonderful activities and sometimes kids will fixate on the one thing they didn't get or the one thing that went a bit wrong at the end of it all. He may be tired at the end of the holiday and a bit down about having to go back to school, so he's focussing on the negative

We had a wondeful day out with DS when he was 7 when we went on a high ropes course, went to lunch, went to a playground we'd never been to before and finished with the cinema and at the end he burst into tears and decided the whole day was spoiled becase his dad and I wanted to stay to see the post-credits sequence of the film! DH was getting quite angry, but I told him DS was just very tired after an exciting day and not to take it seriously.

As I said, I expect your DS was just a bit down about the holidays ending.