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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m raising a child with too high expectations

177 replies

Missmummy88 · 23/02/2020 07:38

So we are coming to the end of half term & my 8yo just came in this morning sadly saying “I haven’t had a good half term, I haven’t got to do what I want to do”. This really upset me. For context he has a 4 yo brother and I work 3 days per week. I am also pregnant so haven’t been getting up with them at 6 but taking advantage of no school runs and laying in until around 8am while they watch cartoons and eat fruit & brioche.

This week they have:
Friday (inset) - softplay in morning (4 yo choice ) then swimming (8 yo choice)
Saturday - swimming lessons, went to look at a new car (which they enjoyed sitting in all the different vehicles) then popped over to grandmas and saw the cousins (similar age, played cops and robbers etc)
Sunday - church with Sunday school where they did crafts and a play followed by many biscuits then popped to mil with Dh while I caught up on some housework
Monday - I went to work, my mum took the boys out for milkshakes and a trip to the library - they then played at hers until I collected them around 5.30
Tuesday - I went to work, mother in law took them to the local farm where they rode go carts then she took them shopping and brought them new books
Wednesday - I went to work, my mum took them to the theatre to see a bubble show which they seemed to enjoy with their cousins. They then went for a sleepover at my mother in laws
Thursday - returned from mother in laws at mid day (I did housework in the am so I am free to play with kids now I’m off work) afternoon they played on consoles (their choice of activity)
Friday - took them to cinema, came home had lunch then went for a nice bike ride with dog.
Saturday - popped to my mums, played with cousins, went for a bike ride through forest, played a game at local tennis courts and then got hair cuts
Today - we have a dishwasher being installed but if time and weather permit we will go for another bike ride. Being a Sunday they will be expected to get bags ready for school and put their washing baskets away, baths etc later.

To me that seems like a fair week with a mix of activities and a mix of people, but my ds seems really sad. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said play monopoly which I have said of course we can this morning but he still seems low.

Aibu to think he’s expectations are too high? Do you play with your kids more than I have? We’ve been out for activities but I guess I haven’t sat down and done a board game. We do read together every evening and sit at the table and eat, so I consider that we do connect even on my working days.

I just feel I’m not enough right now☹️

OP posts:
Piglet89 · 23/02/2020 09:32

Optical delusion that is absolutely priceless.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 23/02/2020 09:33

That sounds like a great week and he’s probably just a bit down about school going back.

I’ve found as my kids are getting older, they appreciate a bit more down time in the school holidays rather than being out all the time now. They like to sleep in and have a few days where they can just read/draw/Netflix etc. The school workload is getting bigger and harder so they need that bit extra where they can just do ‘nothing’.

adaline · 23/02/2020 09:34

He sounds spoiled. He did all that and it wasn’t good enough?

But maybe he didn't want to do any of that.

It doesn't sound like he had any downtime to just "be". He was either out at activities or with his grandparents. Not all kids enjoy things like that on a daily basis. For me, that would be too much. As a kid I hated full-on days out - loved the idea of it but found it very overwhelming!

I agree he sounds a bit spoilt. Thats a lot of activities and if you add up the cost of all that its a significant amount.

He's eight. That's not how eight year olds think. Most are more than happy with a trip to the park and an ice-cream. They don't need expensive activities to have fun - that's come from the parents.

Kalifa · 23/02/2020 09:39

He sounds spoilt and ungrateful.

adaline · 23/02/2020 09:40

He sounds spoilt and ungrateful.

No he doesn't Hmm

He sounds like an eight year old who had a half-term packed with activities, none of which were chosen by him, and who maybe would have rather done other things instead.

Splashing money on expensive activities isn't necessarily what children want or appreciate.

lljkk · 23/02/2020 09:42

Don't all children have unrealistic expectations? Also they live in the moment, so how they feel now matters hugely & yesterday is a faint memory.

MimiLaRue · 23/02/2020 09:43

They don't need expensive activities to have fun - that's come from the parents

Um... thats exactly what I said above. The OP has given him TOO MUCH.

Sweetpotatoaddict · 23/02/2020 09:44

My children are younger but I frequently find that what society perceives as the best fun for them isn’t what my children see as the best! Sometimes less is more

Straysocks · 23/02/2020 09:45

I agree that it is a developmental thing of being able to reflect but not yet contextualise - a caught in the moment feeling that seems bigger than it is. To be welcomed I reckon, he’s considering time & opportunity but little enough to be blinded by immediate wants/needs and seeking reassurance. Whilst gutted, I think calmly reflecting back to him his happy times this week and all the time forthcoming may be the way to go.

Lovemusic33 · 23/02/2020 09:48

We don’t do that much in half term, it’s only a week and my eldest dd now prefers to relax. We have been to the cinema, bought a new pet, dd2 has been swimming and riding (yesterday) and we have been to McDonald’s, that’s about it. I worked 2 days so dd went to grandparents and dd1 stayed at home.

I think as they get older school holidays go a lot quicker and it feels like they haven’t done much even though they have. We do a lot more during Easter and summer holidays as the weathers better but I can’t afford to take them out every day, there’s always going to be days where we stay at home and they entertain themselves with tv and games consoles.

ChicCroissant · 23/02/2020 09:48

I don't think he sounds spoiled at all! He probably just wanted some 1 to 1 time with the OP, like the Monopoly game he's suggested.

Ellisandra · 23/02/2020 09:53

Who knows what you’re 8yo was thinking, as you don’t seem to have just asked him Confused

So can’t really comment on that.

Can comment on your reaction though, which is really OTT. Why on earth did that upset you? Confused

I’d have said to mine, “noted, no theatre or swimming trips next half term as you don’t want them”, let her protest, laugh - and say, “come on then - what’s up, why do you say that?”

Most likely he’ll mention one random thing he’d hoped to do. Maybe dad taking a day off, instead of grandparents doing all the childcare?

toomuchtooold · 23/02/2020 09:53

Thanks @lilgreen!

For those saying he's just ungrateful, have you never arranged to do something yourself and then thought, actually, I didn't really like that? Maybe it's just me. I am still sometimes surprised at what turns out to be fun and what not, and I'm 43, I should have a bit more clue than an 8 year old what I will enjoy!

Kaykay066 · 23/02/2020 09:53

My boys are 8&9 we have been out for lunch but really stayed in as it’s rained all week. Youngest was v poorly in hospital the week before so weren’t for overdoing it and trying to get him out of the house isn’t always easy

We’ve played and baked and gone for a short walk with our wellies on but generally had a chilled week yours sounds quite full on and perhaps he just needs some one on one down time with his mum. My 9 year old is really feeling neglected by me after I spent a lot of time with his brother in hospital so we’ve spent time together this week which has been lovely.

Pick your battles, perhaps less activity wise and more one to one or two before baby comes and you’re unable to do as much in holidays for a little while - I have 2 older sons too (14&18) it’s a balancing act to do something they all enjoy and spend time with them so they feel I’m interested.
Enjoy the rest of your hols and I’m quite looking forward to a few hours to myself tomorrow whilst they are at school

Cheeseontoast4 · 23/02/2020 09:56

Sounds like they did lots - Potentially too much - maybe it’s just the impact of knowing they have to go back to school

lostinleaves · 23/02/2020 09:58

It's probably end of half term blues, I'm feeling much the same. It's not personal op.

TatianaLarina · 23/02/2020 09:59

Children are quite random. He had a huge amount of entertainment and fun. But it maybe something basic like he had it in his head he’d like to go rollerskating and he didn’t go rollerskating.

It doesn’t mean he didn’t enjoy his week.

Kalifa · 23/02/2020 10:02

adaline I think you failed to read the OP’s thread properly. A lot of those activities were chosen by the kids and a lot of them were free activities such as bike rides, playing on the console and going to the library. Pff..

74NewStreet · 23/02/2020 10:02

Has he said what he actually wanted to do? It could be something much simpler than you think.

rwalker · 23/02/2020 10:06

Don't worry your over thinking it he was properly just bored at the time he said it .

TatianaLarina · 23/02/2020 10:06

It could be something much simpler than you think

Yes, like playing Xbox all week...

MaeveDidIt · 23/02/2020 10:08

Don't be hard on yourself - that sounded like a super week.
A lot of children would have done absolutely nothing apart from gaming believe me!

74NewStreet · 23/02/2020 10:08

God, yes!

74NewStreet · 23/02/2020 10:08

Re. X box

Dontdisturbmenow · 23/02/2020 10:10

Strangely I've just had a conversation with my 17yo about being spoilt and gratefulness. He told about a conversation he had at work with a lady in her 60s about differences in her generation and the new one.

He said that he had always been conscious of being spoiled (I would say he was average compared to his peers) but how he was always very grateful for everything and that's very true.

Saying that, I was always totally open about kids about my life raising them alone, working FT. They had an idea of what disposable income I had and how almost all of it was spent on them. They were aware of the costs of holidays and the sacrifices to be able to afford it. We talked about how most of the money I earned went on the mortgage and bills, talked about the meaning of insurance etc...

I really think that this helped them appreciate things because they had an idea of the context behind it. The problem with 'spoiled' kids is that they often have no clue of the sacrifices their parents make in terms of money and time to please them. It's almost like kids should be protected from knowing the reality of life, when all it does is indeed, raise kids who can't appreciate how lucky they are.