To think I’m raising a child with too high expectations

[Missmummy88]

So we are coming to the end of half term & my 8yo just came in this morning sadly saying “I haven’t had a good half term, I haven’t got to do what I want to do”. This really upset me. For context he has a 4 yo brother and I work 3 days per week. I am also pregnant so haven’t been getting up with them at 6 but taking advantage of no school runs and laying in until around 8am while they watch cartoons and eat fruit & brioche.

This week they have:
Friday (inset) - softplay in morning (4 yo choice ) then swimming (8 yo choice)
Saturday - swimming lessons, went to look at a new car (which they enjoyed sitting in all the different vehicles) then popped over to grandmas and saw the cousins (similar age, played cops and robbers etc)
Sunday - church with Sunday school where they did crafts and a play followed by many biscuits then popped to mil with Dh while I caught up on some housework
Monday - I went to work, my mum took the boys out for milkshakes and a trip to the library - they then played at hers until I collected them around 5.30
Tuesday - I went to work, mother in law took them to the local farm where they rode go carts then she took them shopping and brought them new books
Wednesday - I went to work, my mum took them to the theatre to see a bubble show which they seemed to enjoy with their cousins. They then went for a sleepover at my mother in laws
Thursday - returned from mother in laws at mid day (I did housework in the am so I am free to play with kids now I’m off work) afternoon they played on consoles (their choice of activity)
Friday - took them to cinema, came home had lunch then went for a nice bike ride with dog.
Saturday - popped to my mums, played with cousins, went for a bike ride through forest, played a game at local tennis courts and then got hair cuts
Today - we have a dishwasher being installed but if time and weather permit we will go for another bike ride. Being a Sunday they will be expected to get bags ready for school and put their washing baskets away, baths etc later.

To me that seems like a fair week with a mix of activities and a mix of people, but my ds seems really sad. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said play monopoly which I have said of course we can this morning but he still seems low.

Aibu to think he’s expectations are too high? Do you play with your kids more than I have? We’ve been out for activities but I guess I haven’t sat down and done a board game. We do read together every evening and sit at the table and eat, so I consider that we do connect even on my working days.

I just feel I’m not enough right now☹️

You couldn't have done more for him! He's chancing his arm.

It sounds as if he is feeling sad about going back to school (IIWY I would check all is OK there) and quite possibly (unconsciously) missing a bit of decompressing at home and not-doing-much-at-all - your week with them sounds great, with a mix of 'out and about' and 'play', but there have been a lot of different activities with a lot of people and not much just-hanging-around-at-home time. Not that that can be helped, though! I don't think high expectations are an issue here, more just feeling a bit out of sorts and needing a reassuring (but not excessively overthought) response. Play Monopoly with him today and have a chat about school. Make sure he has an early night, too.

He might just be feeling a bit sad it's over

This for me too. It’s sounds fine / busy (but some kids go nuts without fresh air and activity x2 a day). Sounds like a lovely half term to me.

You are enough. My kids can be a bit like this sometimes, I actually think it’s worse when’s they’ve done lots of nice stuff for some reason. I am concerned about them developing the ability to recognise how lucky they are and reflect on their good times with gratitude, rather than pin pointing something pretty minimal that they feel is lacking. I have struggled with how to do this to be honest, but I think it’s better when DH and I discuss what we’ve enjoyed and what we’re grateful for, leading by example. I have also seen a thing somewhere where a mum draws/writes on a calendar what they done that day, it’s kept at child height to let the kids reflect on what they’ve been doing.

Perhaps slightly contradictory to the above, but at the start of a holiday where we’ll be at home, I do make a list with them of simple things that they want to do, like play hide and seek, bake cakes, have a movie night. That way, we do catch the odd things that for whatever reason they really want to do. And if we haven’t time to do something, I can explain why (e.g. no movie night because we went to cinema/had a sleepover instead).

He sounds spoiled. He did all that and it wasn’t good enough?

Not sure which way too vote (ie can’t work out which way round the YABU would be) - but your DD is being unreasonable and, well, just behaving like the child she is

I think hes done loads ! Sometimes children may mean they want to set the pace though .I think he means maybe at School they are doing organised learning and so on ,maybe when home just wanting to chill? Perhaps when you are on days off ,you can just say what would you like to do ,could be monopoly or just watching TV .or even chatting together?

He sounds spoiled. He did all that and it wasn’t good enough?

Maybe they weren't things he wanted to do? My children really appreciate downtime in their holidays - time to sleep late, watch TV, read and generally just potter. I do get grumbles if I try to over schedule their holidays.

Just ask him what else he wants to do and remind him there are weekends, stretching out forever. He probably had a great time and get feels it flew by because he was doing so much, you shouldn't feel bad at all. A quiet day of board games, films and naps might help. Save the bag packing reminders for later and then have it as a quick shared activity so it doesn't waste much time.

It sounds like he’s had a lovely half term and done some great activities. The only thing missing seems to be that he hasn’t seen any school friends? I took dd 7 and ds 11 swimming and we met some of their school friends there and also met a friend of ds for a hour at a trampoline park another day . They love seeing them out of school.
Other that that I think you’ve made half term really lovely for them.

Let the poor little sod spend a day eating sugary cereal and watching cartoons in his Onesie, I'm exhausted just reading his schedule!

It sounds like a lovely half term, spending time with extended family is so good for kids. He’s just sad it’s over!

What did he want to do? On the face of it he's done plenty and he sounds spoilt but has it just been presumed that these activities would be fun did anyone ask what activities he actually wanted to do before they were planed or were most of the things planned by an adult presuming the kids would enjoy it.

I always ask them before I plan makes sense to me as if I'm going to go to the effort I want them to want to do it and enjoy it I would neve presume what someone else thinks is fun.

We live on a border and I have 2 kids in one district and 1 in another. They have different half terms and Easter holidays. I don't have enough leave to stay home through both holidays, and have to be home for the youngest who is too little to be home all day unsupervised, so my poor 12 year old spent his half term playing computer games in his bedroom undisturbed, with a "packed lunch" on the kitchen worksurface to help himself to.

He didn't complain, but I feel guilty that he didn't get to "do" any of the lovely things of the type that your DS has done.

I think the people saying his schedule was ‘exhausting’ must have very low-energy children.

Don’t beat yourself up, OP. We had to change plans because of a death, so my seven year old had a much more low-key time at an art camp than this time last year when he was skiing somewhere fancy, but he needs to roll with the punches. Yours’ half term sounds lovely.

I agree with other posters who are saying that he's sad about going back to school tomorrow, he's just not communicating it in the right way.

He's done way more than my kids this week so you've definitely given him lots of great times this week OP. It's not a reflection on you.

Your kids have done more than mine do in a year!

I find that kids really vary. Mine are really low key and are happy staying home, drawing, playing the Nintendo Switch, the odd game of Uno, lots more drawing, watching every Studio Ghibli film possible on Netflix. We do the odd swim, museum visit, cinema trip but mostly, we're home (and fluey this half-term). We have a dog, so this forces us out on walks.
I find the more you do with kids the more they expect. This is not a criticism. It's just what it is. With DC1, I was hardly ever home. We did everything and anything over half-term, even when I was juggling work. DC 2 came along and I slowed things down a bit, did less. Now with DC3 (who really doesn't love going out too much), we've dialled it right back to sofa-rotting.
In the past, I've spent so much money on activities over half-term, activities that were ok-ish but never worth the money shelled out for them. DD has a friend who comes to stay whole weekends with us and she must have things scheduled. We always end up doing loads with her: ice skating, swimming, and the cinema. If we don't, she's rather unhappy. But also, it gets me out and about doing things with the kids, so I don't really mind. But often, once we've had this weekend of fun, I get a list of complaints from DD's friend. It's like it can never be enough. Lots of 'that was boring. What's next?' type od talk.
I think if we worry too much about making kids happy, we're making a rod for our own backs. Are they loved, fed, clothed, watered, and not living in a war-torn country? Yes to all of the above. Try not to succumb to unnecessary parental guilt, OP. 8 is a bit of a tough age, in my experience. 7-9, kind of a weird time. It's the time I've found my kids to be at their most demanding (apart from when they were babies). I think it's a sort of pre-pre puberty with a dash of woe-is-me thrown in for good measure.

Sounds like a nice week.

He’s probably got a touch of back to school blues.

Also, children can’t get to do ‘everything they want to do’ all the time. That’s life, buttercup! .

If it's of any comfort, my 9-year-old DD is in bits about going back to school. I think your DC is just saying that he doesn't want the half-term to end, in his own 8 year old way. Sounds like he's had a brilliant one! Don't feel badly!

That's quite a balanced week I think. I would have liked to done things like that with my ds, but all we managed was his usual trampoline class and a swimming session with his cousin. The rest of the time was just dossing at home with crap weather.

I think PPs are perhaps right with the "buyer's remorse" and "going back to school" suggestions. Young children aren't able to examine their feelings and the root cause of them and define why they are feeling the way they do in the same way adults can. So I wouldn't take it personally, but maybe the suggestion of writing down a plan of the things your dc would like to do would help?

I used to write lists of possible activities from the Kids Direct magazine (and the other one, can't recall the name as ds in secondary and so we don't get them any more), and try to do some of those. February half term is the worst one imo.

That’s life, buttercup!

Yep! That about sums it up!

He's being 8 in my opinion. Aka ungrateful and dissatisfied. Sounds like a lovely half term.

God the weather was awful this week. There were days when you really couldn't go out. That was depressing.

Honestly, kids say things like that and you mustn’t analyse it with an adult outlook. 5 minutes later they forget. Sound like they had a great week.Be wary of planning too much next holiday. Don’t build up time off in their minds, keep expectations low.

I think the week sounds fab!

Agree with pp that he might be anxious about school starting again (I do and I'm a teacher )

Or give him open choice for the day or part of it today?