To think I’m raising a child with too high expectations

[Missmummy88]

So we are coming to the end of half term & my 8yo just came in this morning sadly saying “I haven’t had a good half term, I haven’t got to do what I want to do”. This really upset me. For context he has a 4 yo brother and I work 3 days per week. I am also pregnant so haven’t been getting up with them at 6 but taking advantage of no school runs and laying in until around 8am while they watch cartoons and eat fruit & brioche.

This week they have:
Friday (inset) - softplay in morning (4 yo choice ) then swimming (8 yo choice)
Saturday - swimming lessons, went to look at a new car (which they enjoyed sitting in all the different vehicles) then popped over to grandmas and saw the cousins (similar age, played cops and robbers etc)
Sunday - church with Sunday school where they did crafts and a play followed by many biscuits then popped to mil with Dh while I caught up on some housework
Monday - I went to work, my mum took the boys out for milkshakes and a trip to the library - they then played at hers until I collected them around 5.30
Tuesday - I went to work, mother in law took them to the local farm where they rode go carts then she took them shopping and brought them new books
Wednesday - I went to work, my mum took them to the theatre to see a bubble show which they seemed to enjoy with their cousins. They then went for a sleepover at my mother in laws
Thursday - returned from mother in laws at mid day (I did housework in the am so I am free to play with kids now I’m off work) afternoon they played on consoles (their choice of activity)
Friday - took them to cinema, came home had lunch then went for a nice bike ride with dog.
Saturday - popped to my mums, played with cousins, went for a bike ride through forest, played a game at local tennis courts and then got hair cuts
Today - we have a dishwasher being installed but if time and weather permit we will go for another bike ride. Being a Sunday they will be expected to get bags ready for school and put their washing baskets away, baths etc later.

To me that seems like a fair week with a mix of activities and a mix of people, but my ds seems really sad. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said play monopoly which I have said of course we can this morning but he still seems low.

Aibu to think he’s expectations are too high? Do you play with your kids more than I have? We’ve been out for activities but I guess I haven’t sat down and done a board game. We do read together every evening and sit at the table and eat, so I consider that we do connect even on my working days.

I just feel I’m not enough right now☹️

You sound like a lovely family, don’t beat yourself up.

It might be the age gap, he’s getting older and some of the activities that would have been great for the 4 year old aren’t fun for him anymore. Hence the monopoly, the 4 year old isn’t going to be able to play that.

I say this from experience, even things like swimming he might have felt restricted by the limitations of the younger one. The theatre might have been a bit silly or dull for him. I’m not saying you’ve done wrong at all just that he might be just past some of the activities stage.

Don’t take it personally though it’s an ongoing battle for all of us!

I could be totally wrong, but here's my guess:

"Monopoly" = quality one-to-one time with you.

I remember when I was small, I barely saw my Dad as DM moved us to the other side of the country, plus he didn't really want us (obvs a whole other story). Anyway, on the rare occasions we visited him, the closest I ever felt was when playing board games. It wasn't the game at all, it was the focused connection of playing together. Plus I could relax as I knew it wasn't going to end abruptly, but when the game ended.

Could ds be nervous about losing connection with you once the baby arrives?

The only thing 'missing' imo is a day at home playing with his things and/or watching a film/few cartoons, playing board games and basically relaxing with you.
Could he be missing his friends? A playdate is always a winner in our house. Nothing organised, just as above with friend included.
Your week sounds very 'structured'.

TBH I've just read your post and I'm in awe of how much you've managed to do with your kids when you work 3 days a week. Obviously having family around to help makes a difference. My kids are older 10 and nearly 13, I work mainly from home so I am often working around them doing their own thing. All we have managed to do outings wise is a trip to the Imperial War museum and a trip to Southampton yesterday (older boy went to watch a football match, younger boy and I did some shopping. Older boy also had his usual football training on Wednesday night. Other than that they have played football in the local park, gamed too much, think that's about it. One day I went up North for the day on the own to see my Dad, circumstances are at bit difficult so it wasn't really appropriate to take them. As for monopoly (which they did play one day), they tend to lose interest after about 20 mins even when older. Know what you mean about feeling maudlin about half term being over, I feel maudlin about the early starts and all the stuff school thrown at you, playground etc,.

Four years is a big age gap and it's very difficult to please a four year old and an 8 year old with the same activity.
I would make sure he wins at monopoly and have a re-think about the next school holiday. Perhaps he would be happier spending more time just at home or playing with his friends.

It sounds like they had a pretty good week, that's loads more than my parents would have done with me in half term.

Look kids are by their nature self-obsessed and they can be dicks. My mate spent a fortune taking her kids on a holiday where they did water parks and loads of other activities. At the end of the school holidays they said the best bit was when they went to a crappy rundown farm in the next town and a rabbit shat on one of them.

I don't think that's a crazy schedule at all! They've had some busier days, but most days have had just one 'thing'. Going to the theatre to see a bubble show would have lasted an hour tops, ditto bike ride, library trip etc. The only real 'big' day sounds like the farm trip.

Anyhoo, I agree he's a bit sad about going back to school. Have a lazy day today and make sure you play Monopoly with him. Cuddles and a movie late afternoon/early evening, let him pick what he wants for tea, relax. But I don't think your half term was over-scheduled at all!

His week has been busier than ours!
Saturday: stuck at home due to weather. Played and watched a movie.
Sunday: as above, plus helped me make a roast (they like cooking)
Monday: mountain walk
Tuesday: I worked, they had a quiet day at home with DH
Wednesday: ice skating
Thursday: stuck inside again due to weather
Friday: as above plus a trip to the shops to buy birthday presents for friends
Saturday: laser quest and supermarket
Today: no plans yet, hoping to get outside somewhere.
No complaints here, though I’m a bit stir crazy at being cooped up due to storms and flooding. They seem to enjoy down time more than I do. Your DS doesn’t seem to have high expectations if his request is to play at home. Maybe he just wants a bit of a lazy day. It sounds like he’s been very busy! I definitely wouldn’t be worrying you don’t do enough, you do loads!

I don't think the week sounds too busy either e.g a day of having milkshakes and going to the library still leaves HOURS in a day for down time to play. It all depends on what your children are like really. My 9 year old is full of energy. This wouldn't be enough stimulation for him. My younger one is a homebody and this would be just the right mix of down time and outside stimulation for him. Difficult juggling the two different needs!

The idea of getting the kids to come up with suggestions of how they want to spend the holiday is a good one. My friend does this by having a 'menu' of activities to choose from. They each choose 3 things from it. The menu approach helps you to guide it a bit e.g no chance of saying they want a day at Chessington if you don't feel like it or can't afford it!

I voted YABU because you said at the end that you didn’t think you were enough for your 8yr old son.

I think children need to play on their own and also have time to get bored. This constant desire to plan daily activities, social occasions and make memories (!!) isn’t necessarily helpful.

It won’t help them cope with the drudgery of normal life and their expectations could be unrealistic and in some cases, can lead to mental health problems later on because they haven’t developed adequate coping skills.

Just reading on here the posters who still rely on their parents to help them out when they’ve supposedly grown up and left home seems astounding to me!

"Monopoly" = quality one-to-one time with you.

I'd agree with this. From the description, it doesn't sound like you spent much time together one-on-one

Also bemused by the idea that this is over-scheduled or evening remotely tiring for a healthy child. MN seems to be full of very low energy children. Mine have HUGE amounts of energy that needs to be used up, constantly. They have zero interest in a lazy day.

A couple of Easters back we went to Florida for 10 days. The day before we went we visited Costco for the first time ever. The day after we came back we went to a local park and the air ambulance landed on the field. When my youngest went back to school and was asked about his holidays guess his response...yep, Costco doughnuts and the air ambulance!!

Just let the kid play monopoly, his 8 in his head not having played the one game he wants too in his week off school IS the worst thing ever.

Just play monopoly today, you’ve really made this in to something it isn’t.

Bloody hell, in my half terms I used to just play Playstation and spend my pocket money in New Look...

I think it’s his way of saying he’d like some more time at home chilling and playing games.

My kids have basically done nothing but fight and watch me tidy up all week, interspersed with boring shopping trips and sub par culinary experiences. Like one really long rainy grey weekend. Hate February half term. Worst school holiday of the year.

I understand that we all want our children to enjoy the holidays but that schedule OP, sounds far too much. How will they be well prepared for the (sometimes) boredom of life and FINDING something to do for themselves?

Sorry, I’m of a different generation, but as a child, my sister and I spent days on end building dens in our lounge at home if it was raining or in the garden, if we could. We made/built things because mum and dad were at work and there wasn’t a plethora of activities for children back then.

OP, I think you’re amazing. You’re pregnant and have young children and STILL managed all of that. You’re children really do have very high expectations.

I think you arranged a lot of lovely things for him and his little brother to do, but apart from the swimming the first Friday and an afternoon on consoles, he didn't get any choices or input.

Next holiday, I would ask him to pick activities for a few more days, or at least choose from a range of options (you may not want him to pick consoles every day for instance).

I remember passionately arguing with my parents that we'd PAID for the holiday cottage, therefore it would be a waste of money to go out for the day and spend more.

(nine year old me falling hook line and sinker for the sunk costs fallacy there)

I didn't want to be hustled out the house to go see a clog museum or whatever. I just wanted to chill out. Also, my mum was a nightmare on days out.

She'd insist on doing everything to get ready, forget things that no one cared about, make us go to the shop to replace the salad cream whilst loudly protesting that no one helped... I think I just wanted to settle down for the day with a book!

Maybe give him a little “project”, to Think about and write a list in a book, of things he would like to do in the Easter holidays?

It sounds pretty full on and a lot of shuttling about.

I'd not take it personally but play the monopoly today and then for the next holiday do as a pp suggested and make a list.

Also "fruit and brioche" most mumsnet sentence ever!!

Clearly it is not about too high an expectation if he feels he has missed out because he has not played Monopoly.
I agree he is just sad that the holidays are coming to an end, do not overthink it.

My kids have amused themselves while I have decorated. I'm a teacher so I'm always off with them but I definitely do not entertain them every day. Some holidays we have lots going on, some I get all the jobs done and they play inside and out for a week. They went out with DH on Weds as I needed to go into work. That's pretty much it apart from a couple of meet ups with family friends.

@TheLadyAnneNeville are we reading a different OP?!

There is LOADS of time “just playing” in there. Take the Monday when they were being cared for at home by a grandmother - she took them out for milkshakes and to the library. Presumably that was one trip, and took two hours max? That’s a lot of remaining den building time!

They did “something” most days, but they certainly weren’t full day activities, and some not even a half day.

If I were to critique the schedule, I did raise an eye that when they’re already spending 3 days with grandmothers, OP to chose to leave them their an extra morning to do housework - and then let have them consoles that afternoon. I’d have had them home and done housework with them, or at least combined the housework and console time.

All the activities sounded fun, and the 8yo has input. I think what really matters is how they feel about being with 2 grandmothers for 3.5 days including an overnight. If the grandparent time is relaxed and they feel at home there - lovely. If the grandparent is a bit dull and play options aren’t great, then it’s not so good.

Left to her own devices, my child would den build. One grandparent would be bringing her biscuits and asking to come inside. The other would get huffy about duvets on the floor. So depending on the grandparents, who provided daytime care for well more than half the 5 days, the 8yo might have a point.

Work is work, sometimes kids have to go to a dull grandparent, that’s life. But I think it would have been good if dad had taken a day off that week.