To think I’m raising a child with too high expectations

[Missmummy88]

So we are coming to the end of half term & my 8yo just came in this morning sadly saying “I haven’t had a good half term, I haven’t got to do what I want to do”. This really upset me. For context he has a 4 yo brother and I work 3 days per week. I am also pregnant so haven’t been getting up with them at 6 but taking advantage of no school runs and laying in until around 8am while they watch cartoons and eat fruit & brioche.

This week they have:
Friday (inset) - softplay in morning (4 yo choice ) then swimming (8 yo choice)
Saturday - swimming lessons, went to look at a new car (which they enjoyed sitting in all the different vehicles) then popped over to grandmas and saw the cousins (similar age, played cops and robbers etc)
Sunday - church with Sunday school where they did crafts and a play followed by many biscuits then popped to mil with Dh while I caught up on some housework
Monday - I went to work, my mum took the boys out for milkshakes and a trip to the library - they then played at hers until I collected them around 5.30
Tuesday - I went to work, mother in law took them to the local farm where they rode go carts then she took them shopping and brought them new books
Wednesday - I went to work, my mum took them to the theatre to see a bubble show which they seemed to enjoy with their cousins. They then went for a sleepover at my mother in laws
Thursday - returned from mother in laws at mid day (I did housework in the am so I am free to play with kids now I’m off work) afternoon they played on consoles (their choice of activity)
Friday - took them to cinema, came home had lunch then went for a nice bike ride with dog.
Saturday - popped to my mums, played with cousins, went for a bike ride through forest, played a game at local tennis courts and then got hair cuts
Today - we have a dishwasher being installed but if time and weather permit we will go for another bike ride. Being a Sunday they will be expected to get bags ready for school and put their washing baskets away, baths etc later.

To me that seems like a fair week with a mix of activities and a mix of people, but my ds seems really sad. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said play monopoly which I have said of course we can this morning but he still seems low.

Aibu to think he’s expectations are too high? Do you play with your kids more than I have? We’ve been out for activities but I guess I haven’t sat down and done a board game. We do read together every evening and sit at the table and eat, so I consider that we do connect even on my working days.

I just feel I’m not enough right now☹️

This could have been me I suppose. Half terms we were dragged to loads of activities or sent to our grandparents. It was nice enough, but I wanted to sit around and read. Children don't necessarily appreciate things in the same way as an adult. Now I see the time and effort everyone put in to take us places, but as a child I saw things through a more selfish view - children are often self absorbed and selfish really

Is this now 7 pages without a reply from OP?
I bet it turns out to be a total non event, and when she actually asks him, he gives a perfectly reasonable (for an 8yo) reason. Possibly why she hasn’t been back 🤣

He sounds spoiled tbh . He needs to learn to entertain himself .
Teach him how to do some housework ?

I don’t feel under pressure to entertain my children at all, that’s why I had 3 of them! I take them out a bit so that they don’t bounce off the walls, but I work (albeit pt) and am an enthusiastic homemaker (I.e. I spend ALOT of time cooking and cleaning so they get to eat really well, and live in a nice clean home) so I don’t feel guilty. Besides it costs a small fortune to do activities with them every day. Bit old fashioned maybe, but my mum never felt under so much parenting pressure and so I refuse to.

Does he just want time with you? My Ds (7) gets a bit like this if there's been little time just all together. He likes the days out, as does his sister, but if I've been a bit unavailable for a while, I'll ram in activities because I feel bad. I don't now, because it turned out that while they liked the activities, most of the time they'd prefer just one or two and an awful lot more time with me, just reading or playing in the park, baking and, like yours, board games. They valued the attention more than the cool things to do. 8 is not that old really; with you working and pregnant (not bad things!) he's old enough to see how that leaves less time for him, but not old enough yet to fully grasp the benefits.

So many people saying maybe he wanted more tone with his mum. His mum who works 3 days and spent 1.5 of the 2 with him this week. Maybe he wanted dad to take some time off with him, instead of being with his grandmothers?

It can be tough to get the balance right on doing things and on unstructured downtime, even without the complexity of managing children around work.

I've learned with DS1 (9) in particular that less is more and I need to alternate burning off the energy and vegetating. Doing things in half days works well with us. DS2 has a lot of physical energy and more mental energy so can shuttle off from one thing to another more easily.

I had an injury early in the week so was struggling to get out, even without the awful weather. We actually had a lovely day, all sitting on my bed playing games (I don't get much chance to play normally, and it was quite bonding as DS bestowed upon me lots of his knowledge of the game gleaned from watching youtube videos

We played board games on the Friday INSET... unfortunately my DCs have the stamina to play Monopoly until the bitter end when the hotels go up on Mayfair and Park Lane...

Sometimes children do just come out with those tried and tested clichés "I'm bored" "It's not fair" " This is the worst... ever" etc.

Is this now 7 pages without a reply from OP?
I bet it turns out to be a total non event, and when she actually asks him, he gives a perfectly reasonable (for an 8yo) reason. Possibly why she hasn’t been back

Or she's too busy playing monopoly ;)

You can't win sometimes with children... Analyse and overthink about why he wanted Monopoly all you want...sometimes it's a thankless task having kids, never happy no matter what you do

I wouldn't read into it.

He does sound like he's spent quite a bit of time with grandparents and cousins though which maybe became a bit overwhelming after a while - unless he loves spending lots of time with them of course! I can see you don't have much choice though due to work.

Don't worry about it OP.

Your DS's expectations are either way too high (which I would be a bit worried about with a baby on the way) or he is worried/sad about going back to school tomorrow. Does he like school generally OP?

My kids seem to expect so much these days and sometimes ungrateful too for it.

Anyone else feel like that.?

I would put money on it that your parents felt like that too, sometimes, and your kids will feel like that about their own DC sometimes too, while lamenting that when they were children they would have been really grateful for whatever new thing their children are demanding. Every generation feels like that.

Ah yes the joys of monopoly ... what I did was sneak in some extra money when I was bank so that could win quicker and be over ... the outrage though when they discovered at about age 10! One time, I remember a complete breakdown because I bought a station! Another time I remember saying here you are have £500 you want to win and they didnt want to win that way!

That sounds like a lovely week. Don’t let the Mum guilt creep in, sounds like you’ve worked really hard to give them a great half term.

I'm telling you the world has gone insane.

A child has made a throwaway comment, as kids do. Ops children have clearly had a week with lots of activities and people that love them.

Now people are picking the children's week apart. They've done too much/they e done too little/they didn't get to choose/you spent that hour wrong when you should have done this instead.

In the words of my 11yo, "jeeez chill".

When I was a child I either played out, occupied myself in the house, or went to the shops with my mother. I got bored a lot, I spent hours reading books in bad weather because it was boring. I learnt to occupy myself and I don't get bored easily now.

I've done very little with my dc this week, due to crap weather and not wanting to spend a fortune, so we've had several long walks/biking, swimming and a bit of baking. Lots of time watching tv and playing in the house and I've had them doing jobs for pocket money!

They're fine last time I looked, clean, fed and loved.

No @Salene, but then I don’t really see trips to the library or riding bikes as fancy expensive days out 🙄.

Some people have bizarre ideas of exhausting activities and over scheduling.

The OP’s children did 4 paid for activities over 10 days; soft play, swimming, cinema and theatre, which probably totalled no more than 9-10 hours. Cinema and theatre are sitting down activities so hardly tiring. Swimming lessons, grocery shopping, church and library are normal weekly things that would be done whether there’s school or not. Shuttling children back and forth to grandparents is part and parcel of being a working parent if they provide your childcare.

Shuttling children back and forth to grandparents is part and parcel of being a working parent if they provide your childcare.

Sure, but that doesn't mean the children have to enjoy it. He's allowed to be unhappy about how his half-term turned out.

Sure, but that doesn't mean the children have to enjoy it. He's allowed to be unhappy about how his half-term turned out.

You don't think he'd be a damn sight unhappier if his parents were unable to provide the usual clothes, food, shelter supplied via their salaries?

I don’t disagree. I was just pointing out it wasn’t exactly over-taxing.

You don't think he'd be a damn sight unhappier if his parents were unable to provide the usual clothes, food, shelter supplied via their salaries

He's eight. His brain doesn't work that way.

When I was eight, I remember getting really upset because my parents were always at work and I had to spend my school holidays at numerous holiday clubs or in childcare. I always thought it was so unfair that my friends could stay at home and I never could.

As an adult I can see that my parents needed to work and couldn't just take unlimited holiday to spend time with me, but that doesn't mean I was happy about it at the time!

You're looking at it from an adults viewpoint.

I have a DS who is about to turn eight. I can assure you he's perfectly well aware that in order to provide for him, his parents' work translates into money which translates into the roof over his head, the food that appears on his plate etc.

I don't think most averagely intelligent eight year olds believe in the magic money tree, or believe that their parents spend 8 till 5 partying with their friends while they languish in wraparound care.

There's a difference between being intellectually aware of something and understanding it on a deeper level, though.

Also I honestly wouldn't worry OP. Kids can be quite single-minded sometimes and if wanting to play Monopoly was something he wanted to do and didn't get to, then he's probably just fixated on it a bit. You can bet that if you'd played Monopoly and done nothing else, he'd have found something else he didn't get to do! That's just kids.

I think some of the difference must be that some children clearly have more friends or classmates with a SAHP. I don't think DS knows anyone with a SAHP, so he's not comparing his lot with someone who got to spend halfterm at home. And he's pretty high-energy and likes being out doing stuff.

The answers in the OPs post. He wanted to play his console. That's how he wanted to spend the week. Whether he should get to do that or not for a whole week is another discussion of course, but kids like zoning out with a screen just as much as we do. We create to much work for ourselves sometimes I think. That was one busy as heck week!