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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Oh thank you, that will be a lovely toy to have at Granny's house"?

237 replies

babybrain77 · 23/02/2020 07:17

WIBU to respond this way to a present given to DS by MIL?

Backstory - MIL is very controlling/emotionally manipulative of DH. He has gone relatively LC with her since we had our DS (he used to see her a couple of times a week, now around once a month) - his choice not mine. She is regularly putting him in deliberately difficult situations where he feels that he is being asked to choose between her and me/DS. I bite my tongue and try to be supportive but it's not easy.

DS is coming up to his first birthday. We are having a small get together to celebrate. We have been avoiding buying plastic toys for him since he was born - I dislike the environmental impact and also don't like the house to be filled with plastic crap. We do have the odd plastic bit here and there which have been handed down by friends - I have no issue with this. MIL knows this as we have explained it, but almost every time she sees DS she brings some sort of plastic tat, gradually increasing in size. Last month it was a plastic Hoover. I am already dreading what she will bring for his birthday.

I have asked DH to let her know that DS really doesn't need any more toys and to suggest a book or item of clothing, but he doesn't feel able to do so without initiating an argument. So, when she arrives with her enormous plastic toy, WIBU to thank her and say it will be great to have it to play with at her house???

OP posts:
FredaFrogspawn · 23/02/2020 07:20

I would just thank her and take it to the charity shop after a few weeks. (Unless you’re baby loves it, I’m which case let him keep it for a bit longer - it’s his gift.)

Tulipan · 23/02/2020 07:20

What does your dh want to do?

They say we choose partners who remind us of our parents!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 23/02/2020 07:21

Are you going to react like that to any.plastic toys he's given, or just MIL's?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 23/02/2020 07:22

You could say that, but do you Thu k she's just going to say "Oh, OK". It's more likely that she will say "No. Keep it here. Sure he's hardly ever in my house, what good is it to him there".

There usually is no talking to people who like to control situations. So just accept it, and maybe find somewhere to donate it. Local crèche, pre-school, paediatric wing? They like easy to clean toys.

SkaLaLand · 23/02/2020 07:23

I do exactly this with noisy toys 😂

Original poster
babybrain77 · 23/02/2020 07:24

@FredaFrogspawn I would love to do this, but she makes a point of asking where each of her gifts is each time she visits...

@Tulipan he finds the clutter even more distressing than I do. His preference would have been to not invite his mother to the birthday party, but I felt that was cruel. I'm not sure what you're implying by your last comment (that I am emotionally manipulative?)

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 23/02/2020 07:24

Asking for a specific gift shouldn't start an argument surely.
I always ask my ds if he has a particular gift he would like me to buy for dgs.

I really would give mil a list and ask her to pick something from it.

LooseGoose29 · 23/02/2020 07:25

While I absolutely applaud your environmental reasons for not wanting plastic I think you are being a bit unreasonable saying she can't buy toys, maybe suggest some wooden ones or a slide for the garden. I think you can request books/clothes from other people but a toy from you, a toy from each set of grandparents really isn't that much.
At the end of the day a few years of huge things you haven't got room for is part of being a parent and lots of them are good for baby's development.

hiredandsqueak · 23/02/2020 07:27

Why cause a scene? Take it say thank you, go home take photo of baby with toy, take toy to charity shop if it offends you. I doubt MIL will be the only person buying your child plastic toys though and you have years of it to come once he is in school and becomes aware of the trends.

Original poster
babybrain77 · 23/02/2020 07:29

@LisaSimpsonsbff I am pretty confident that no one else will bring him plastic toys - it's a small gathering and our friends/family all know our feelings on it. I'm sounding like a major toy warrior here which I don't think I am IRL, it's just we prefer having less "stuff" and lots of books.

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre you are probably right, I just worry that donating it will lead to an argument which I'd rather not have!

OP posts:
badg3r · 23/02/2020 07:29

@Loosegoose speaks wise and unfortunately very true words... At the end of the day a few years of huge things you haven't got room for is part of being a parent and lots of them are good for baby's development.

If it is just one toy I would suck it up, and just limit contact further is she is that difficult. In a few years he will be asking for games consoles and iPhones, the big toy phase is frustrating but fleeting!

Tulipan · 23/02/2020 07:30

Why are you making him invite his mum to the party if he didn't want to invite her and you don't plan on accepting her present anyway? I'd just let him lead on this. A halfway house where you invite her just so you can have a power struggle over a plastic toy is a bit unnecessary.

Soubriquet · 23/02/2020 07:30

Yabu

As your baby gets older, plastic tat will be inevitable

Besides, why make it go to MIL’s house if he doesn’t go there?

Don’t ruin it for your child

Vulpine · 23/02/2020 07:31

Controlling what others buy is rather controlling. Just relax your rules a bit

badg3r · 23/02/2020 07:31

I do get where you are coming from though, we had this when our oldest was small but after a couple of years it died down.

LuckyLickitung · 23/02/2020 07:37

If the toy is totally impractical, yanbu.

If it's a point of principle against any plasyic, yabu. There is a lot of plastic rubbish out there (including a lot of pseudo-educational crap) but there are also excellent plastic toys out there too. Yesterday, I was watching a 9 & 10 yo playing with Duplo, a very creative and durable toy. Wooden toys are often great for infants but in the long term, the plastic will happen. The toy vacuum sounds fairly reasonable, particilarly for a boy.

You'll do better with the long game with her if your boundaries are sensibly placed.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 23/02/2020 07:38

His preference would have been to not invite his mother to the birthday party, but I felt that was cruel.

So your husband wishes for little or no contact with a person who emotionally manipulates and abuses him and you over rule that and decide you know best?

Let your husband deal with his family how he feels is best for him. If you didn't want somebody there (for very good reason) and your husband ignored your wishes and invited them in to your home anyway, how would you feel.

Your child's first birthday is going to now be a tense stressful time for you and your husband, with a woman neither of you like probably hogging centre stage, or trying to cause a rift all for the sake of "keeping up appearances"?

MRex · 23/02/2020 07:43

People don't always buy what I want for DS, actually you have to just suck it up and realise they have an independent relationship with your child. Ask her for something DS would like that's acceptable to you. If you know she wants to get a big gift then shape the requests appropriately e.g. He loves the wooden toy kitchen / brio train / wooden easel & blackboard / whatever. Or manipulate for fun if it entertains you more e.g. Have DH tell her he wants to get a push-along trike or wooden outside climbing frame, found an amazing one at A place but @babybrain77 won't let him buy it. You won't avoid plastic entirely with a little one, but maybe encourage her to get a water table or something for the garden instead so you don't have to see it?

Supertrooper98 · 23/02/2020 07:43

You're being ridiculous over a birthday present. It's a toy for his birthday. You accept it gratefully. Isn't he lucky he has a grandmother who wants to buy him presents.
If she gives him presents at other times when not visit her you can say thank you we'll leave it here so he'll have it to play with next time. But no you don't send somebody home with your child's present.

7yo7yo · 23/02/2020 07:44

Why would you insist your husband invites her?!
How controlling.
Now you have invited her deal with the shit, you wanted her there so you deal with the toy issue. Which is a non issue. Just because you prefer books over toys doesn’t mean your child will and it’s their birthday.

Starface · 23/02/2020 07:46

Yes YWBU and passive aggressive. Either invite her with good grace and accept whatever gift she brings with equally good grace. You can do what you want with it later, including sell/regift/donate. Or don't invite her. If you do as you suggest you are being a game player, it's all about playing to your rules of what is and isn't acceptable. This could be seen as pretty controlling yourself. Be straightforward.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/02/2020 07:46

I don't get your complete plastic embargo. What about Lego? What about Playmobil?

InventedthePostIt · 23/02/2020 07:49

YABU it's a gift. Just pass along or take to charity shop if the plastic really offends you.

TitianaTitsling · 23/02/2020 07:50

As you don't mind 2nd hand plastic from friends why don't you ask her to look on the local buy and sell pages for toys if she really sees something she likes in plastic?

Original poster
babybrain77 · 23/02/2020 07:54

DH and his mum have some unresolved issues from when MIL and FIL divorced. We have discussed at length if and how he would like me involved in the relationship with his family. I am doing my best to support him how he has asked, which includes flagging where I feel he is being hurtful or unreasonable. He would like to have a more positive relationship with his mum, and in an ideal world I would like DS to have positive relationships with all of his grandparents.

I am just trying to get a steer on if/how to set this boundary or if it's not a battle worth fighting. I completely take the point that some plastic toys are good for development, and we do have some hand me downs and charity shop purchases for this reason (as well as a living room full of wooden toys). I had thought my suggested response might be a good compromise in being gracious about accepting a gift, but also not getting stuck with piles and piles of unwanted plastic. But it seems like IABU

OP posts: