"Oh thank you, that will be a lovely toy to have at Granny's house"?

[babybrain77]

WIBU to respond this way to a present given to DS by MIL?

Backstory - MIL is very controlling/emotionally manipulative of DH. He has gone relatively LC with her since we had our DS (he used to see her a couple of times a week, now around once a month) - his choice not mine. She is regularly putting him in deliberately difficult situations where he feels that he is being asked to choose between her and me/DS. I bite my tongue and try to be supportive but it's not easy.

DS is coming up to his first birthday. We are having a small get together to celebrate. We have been avoiding buying plastic toys for him since he was born - I dislike the environmental impact and also don't like the house to be filled with plastic crap. We do have the odd plastic bit here and there which have been handed down by friends - I have no issue with this. MIL knows this as we have explained it, but almost every time she sees DS she brings some sort of plastic tat, gradually increasing in size. Last month it was a plastic Hoover. I am already dreading what she will bring for his birthday.

I have asked DH to let her know that DS really doesn't need any more toys and to suggest a book or item of clothing, but he doesn't feel able to do so without initiating an argument. So, when she arrives with her enormous plastic toy, WIBU to thank her and say it will be great to have it to play with at her house???

If you say that at the party, you’re putting DH in an awkward position. And it might spoil the party atmosphere. Can you accept with good grace and come up with a solution for unwanted gifts for later?

Is Mil deliberately buying plastic because she knows you don’t like it? Sounds possible, given that you say she is manipulative of DH. Could you have a conversation with her about not buying anything except for birthdays and Christmas? That might cut back the influx somewhat.

And yes, the toy can go back to Granny’s house the next time DH visits her.

She's doing it to wind you up, so there would be no point in her agreeing to it going in her house. You might not be able to avoid a fight tbh. You could just accept it, give it away and then if she asks about it tell her it broke. That's the problem with these cheap, disposable plastic toys...

You must have known it was the opposite of "gracious" surely?

Yabu. Plastic vacuum better toy than a wood vacuum. Wood not always better and think of the tree having to be cut down. Why dont you direct your mil. Ds needs x... that way you get a toy your ds needs. A mixture of both wood, plastic toys etc works well. We love playmobil here at the moment.

YABU. I would thank her for the toy and move on, it really isn't worth causing more ill feeling between your DH and MIL.

Controlling and manipulative are two words that are used again and again on these threads about mils and ex wives. I always think they must feel exactly the same way!

Support your DH in dealing with his mother but don't take the piss. Pick the battles you want him to fight for you. I agree with @Starface wrt your stance - you and MIL may be cut from more similar cloth than you wish to admit. Why did you invite MIL if you know your DH isn't comfortable with her presence?

I personally think you are being precious about the plastic toys. A plastic toy can have a high play value, which is what matters when it comes to toys. A hoover would be a lovely toy for a child of your DS's age. Children need toys that they can handle - push, pull, lift, use in many different ways. Books are wonderful in their own way - but they do not offer the same opportunities for play that toys do.

You seem quite concerned about appearance and appearances and not concerned enough with seeing things on their own merits.

Get your DH to go to counselling to work on the issues he still has surrounding the divorce of his parents. How long ago did they divorce?

She's not buying your child plastic to spite you, she's doing it because they love that shit. Buy your child what you want, let him enjoy his gifts from granny.
Lots of people start this way but as time moves on will find their house suddenly full of shopkins. A 7 year old has little interest in a wooden rainbow.

If your husband struggles to deal with/standup to his mother then you are unreasonable to expect him to go to her and tell her not to buy something, or buy something specific. If you are the buffer, then you are the one who needs to do those things. Do not underestimate how his mother makes him feel. He will probably always have feelings of guilt about not doing as she demands. He will find it very difficult to say "No" to her. He has had a lifetime of appeasing her. That's not going to change.

You have a separate relationship with her abs no back story. If you don't want lumps of plastic in your house you are going to have to be the one to steer her in the right direction. She might completely ignore you, but if that's the case she will also ignore the request from your husband making him feel further belittled by her.

If you support him, encourage him to go to counselling, and don't ask him to do things he is uncomfortable with.

I hope inviting her is the right decision. But if it turns out not to be, maybe in future don't try to change your husband's mind, no matter how hurtful or unreasonable (you feel) he is. He is dealing with a hurtful and unreasonable person. In those situations sometimes all you can do is protect yourself.

In an already conflictual situation, I wouldn't be creating more conflict over this. Yes, it may be an attempt to exert control on the part of your MIL, but it's a pretty ineffectual one. (And tbh I would be pretty happy with someone who brought along a toy hoover for my son. It certainly suggests there won't be too many gender-stereotyped choices).

'A plastic toy can have a high play value, which is what matters when it comes to toys.'

I agree with this from mathanxiety. I am not a fan of virtue-signalling snobbery about plastic just because it is plastic.

I get that the MIL is a pain in the bum, but there is still something inherently rude about accepting a birthday gift with bad grace.

Just plaster a smile on, thank her and hand her some birthday cake. This doesn't seem like a battle worth having tbh....

it's just we prefer having less "stuff" and lots of books.

You or your child? Not all plastic is bad, esecially if it lasts generations like lego. The manufacture of wooden toys is also polluting and they don't last as long. So lego might actually be better for the enviroment.

Gracious would be "thanks, how kind", then donating to an asylum or domestic violence charity.

"Thanks, but no thanks", which is what your planned response is, is rude. I think with such a tricky relationship, if you are going to invite her, you have to err on the side of caution.

Yanbu on the toy/plastic thing.

Some family members ask us what to get the boys, we tell them, and they’ve ignored it. What was the point in asking? We’ve even said certain perishable items that the boys love that are cheap and it ends up being more clutter because such things aren’t proper gifts. The boys wouldn’t think so but I guess it’s not about them. 🙄

I’m the one that ends up having to sort through it all since my husband would happily just bin them which I find wasteful (he’s not a fan of clutter either). Started on spring cleaning and I’m next looking into places to donate them all.

I do think YABVU when it comes to your husband’s choice and feelings towards HIS mum. You know she is controlling and emotionally manipulative towards him and doesn’t listen or care what you say yet you feel it’s cruel for her not to be invited despite her continued behaviour. You’re giving her a pass to continue such behaviour by inviting her against your husband’s wishes. He chose to go LC so why aren’t you following his lead when it comes to this? Maybe it might be the catalyst of her looking into her behaviour. If not, it is still for your husband to sort. It would also likely solve your plastic tat problem as well.

Well yes yabu because that's just another way of saying 'get that out of my house', which you know full well, in front of everybody. It's a gift. Just say 'thank you'.
She might feel a bit daft when she realises that everybody else there has gone for wooden toys/books anyway.

A 7 year old has little interest in a wooden rainbow.

That's the truth of it, right there.

Choose your battles. This one isn’t worth it. Say thanks and keep it for a while. He might enjoy playing with it anyway.

Personally I think it's not up to you to dictate what people buy for your child. This is your child's grandparent, not some random. You seem to be encouraging a relationship with Grandma, so you need to let this develop if that's what you are encouraging. If you think she's trying to make a point of some kind, smile and say thank you and move on, don't react to it.

You can't micro manage everything as you bring up a child. Birthdays and Christmases come and they get given all sorts of gifts, some are great and some are not. Importantly, the gifts your child think are great are different to the ones you like!

Hate to break it to you, but plastic toys come with the territory of having young children. How about trying three kids under the age of five ? ( which was my life for a bit!)
I genuinely avoided buying these items but they would still find their way into my house via donations from friends or gifts from family members...
and you know what? My kids loved them and still have precious memories of those times- a cool Buzz Lightyear versus a wooden abacus/wooden train on a string- no brainer.
In saying that, sadly most of the toys are too babyish for my kids now, and each one has found a new life via church fetes/charity shops and jumble sales. All well looked after and now making other children happy. I admire your environmental stance, but even plastic tat can be reused/recycled to an extent.
It's such a short, fleeting time. My youngest is eight and rarely plays with toys much now. Let your child enjoy himself

His preference would have been to not invite his mother to the birthday party, but I felt that was cruel.

Go with his preference next time. It's hard going LC with a parent. Support him next time.

My kids LOVED their toy hoover. I also tried to steer clear of plastic, but the kids loved those sorts of brightly coloured noisy toys.

'A 7 year old has little interest in a wooden rainbow.'

Ha! I got dd a big Grimm's Rainbow aged 1 and she played with it about 5 times.

Tbh I think you're pretty unreasonable for having such vocal views on plastic toys that all your friends and family know them. You're being very precious, and are going to look back and cringe in a few years when your house is full of children's plastic tat like everyone else's.

My DS got a crappy plastic toy hoover in a jumble sale for £2. Because he loved it so much my parents bought him a gorgeous wooden Melissa&Doug one for Christmas. The wooden one is totally ignored and he adores the plastic one!

My advice would be to see first whether your child likes his gift from his grandmother - it’s his birthday and his present. If he doesn’t like it, whatever it’s made of, you can give it away or sell it. You don’t have to offend your MIL in the process.