"Oh thank you, that will be a lovely toy to have at Granny's house"?

[babybrain77]

WIBU to respond this way to a present given to DS by MIL?

Backstory - MIL is very controlling/emotionally manipulative of DH. He has gone relatively LC with her since we had our DS (he used to see her a couple of times a week, now around once a month) - his choice not mine. She is regularly putting him in deliberately difficult situations where he feels that he is being asked to choose between her and me/DS. I bite my tongue and try to be supportive but it's not easy.

DS is coming up to his first birthday. We are having a small get together to celebrate. We have been avoiding buying plastic toys for him since he was born - I dislike the environmental impact and also don't like the house to be filled with plastic crap. We do have the odd plastic bit here and there which have been handed down by friends - I have no issue with this. MIL knows this as we have explained it, but almost every time she sees DS she brings some sort of plastic tat, gradually increasing in size. Last month it was a plastic Hoover. I am already dreading what she will bring for his birthday.

I have asked DH to let her know that DS really doesn't need any more toys and to suggest a book or item of clothing, but he doesn't feel able to do so without initiating an argument. So, when she arrives with her enormous plastic toy, WIBU to thank her and say it will be great to have it to play with at her house???

You sound very snobby.

I've always seen books/toys (yes, even plastic ones!) as an 'and', not an 'or' thing. We are swimming in books here (raising dc bilingual and living in the country of the other language so no easy access to English libraries, so I do buy books for them quite a lot), but there are plenty of toys as well. Completely different functions. Choosing them well means they aren't 'stuff' in the sense you mean.

I suspect there are two sides to this story. I think you are being overly precious about the toys.There was nothing wrong with her buying you a toy vacuum. It is good for the children to get a variety of toys and often they have more fun with things others have bought. We got given a little tykes car for my daughter’s 1sr birthday. One of the most used toys. Does it clutter my house. Yes but the play value is more than worth it.

I have lots of wooden toys and they look lovely but the plastic toys probably have better play value. What will you do when you child wants x toy for Christmas. Say no because it doesn’t meet your aesthetic values? At your baby’s age by house was a Grimm’s delight but through the toddler years, plastic happyland as an example was far more sensible than any of the wooden equivalents. If you have a toddler that chucks and chews things then duplo is better than wooden stacking blocks.

I would love to do this, but she makes a point of asking where each of her gifts is each time she visits...

Then tell her - "Oxfam", or wherever.

If your child isn't even at the mil's regularly (you say they are low contact), then what you propose saying will sound exactly like what it is - we don't want this in our house.

Your husband may have to find out the hard way that there is no way of building a positive relationship with someone manipulative and keeping boundaries.

You need something you can add to. A duplo, or brio collection is excellent for this. There’s loads of (relatively) small bits you can buy which add to the overall playing experience. They can spend a fortune if they want to. Duplicates don’t matter. And they last a long long time. “MIL please buy things to add to this” is a positive message and you sound like you want to have a positive relationship with her...

Sorry, this may sound harsh but I never understand problems like these. It's your house, your child and your rules....if you don't want a crap plastic gift, don't keep it. Explain to your MIL that you don't do plastic (or whatever) and each time she gives something, don't make a fuss, just let it go and then bin it/take to charity shop.

If she later asks where it is, you calmly say, "I explained we don't do plastic toys, I've taken it to the charity shop. You can either keep these type of toys at yours, or stop giving them as I won't keep them".

Do it calmly, stand your ground. Repeat the process every time it happens. Eventually she will stop, or eventually you'll stop visiting. You have already said she's controlling....she can only control if you let her. Just don't.

You may as well have told her you don't want her in your life because that's what she'll understand from your petty principles.
What were the issues that have upset your husband so much he can't deal with his mother? If it's that bad then he, not you, decides to go NC.
I don't believe your very small child would prefer a book over a plastic hoover either. Fill your house with books but let your child be a child and your husband be a man.

Gosh, some strong feelings. Thank you for all of your responses. It would be lovely if we could stick to dealing with unwanted gifts rather than turning to character assassination.

As I have said a couple of times, DS has plastic toys, we just choose not to buy them new. We don't go singing from the rooftops that we hate plastic and that DS can only have wooden toys and books.

The issue I'm asking for advice on is how to draw a boundary with MIL without causing a big confrontation. It sounds as though my thought is not a good one. We have already tried asking for a specific thing and donating would cause an argument. Does anyone have any other (constructive) suggestions?

I think it's all covered in the responses above what I can tell you is most of us will have started in exactly the same position of you wanting only wooden toys and nothing plastic. That battle isn't new and isn't the result of Gretta it is 20 plus years that I can remember.

ELC when it first opened, opened on the basis of learning through wooden toys, parents loved buying them kids hated playing with them and thus they evolved into plastic.

Not to be rude to you as I say we have all been there with pie precious first child but your view on this will change once 100s of pounds of wood are ignored and small plastic items become treasure.

Lighten up, relax a bit and let people buy your child what they wish. Your child is too young for the plastic hoover but I promise you once they become older they will love it, I have 5 girls and all of them adored mock Dyson hoovers.

As others have said if people ask you can give them a prompt in the direction you want

I have asked DH to let her know that DS really doesn't need any more toys and to suggest a book or item of clothing, but he doesn't feel able to do so without initiating an argument.

Can you speak to her yourself? No need to have an argument, just say something like "Oh, DGS is really in to Thomas the Tank Engine/Julia Donaldson books/Peppa Pig (or whatever) atm, we were thinking of getting him the complete box set of books for his birthday...oh, actually, if you haven't got anything yet, perhaps you could get that? I know he'd really love it" or "oh, DGC is growing so quickly! We really need to get him some clothes.. oh actually, perhaps you could get some for his birthday? You've got such lovely taste etc"

Or, as a someone up thread suggested, as her to get something for the garden (slide, climbing frame, wendy house etc) so you don't have to look at it.

She is the GM and I'm sure she will get something big for his first birthday. Guidance beforehand is surely better than upset, insult or embarrassment afterwards.

Is this about gifts or about control of your DH?

He has gone from seeing mum twice a week to once a month. Why? I bet MIL is feeling very hurt at being discarded in favour of you. Buying gifts for her grandchild probably feels like a kind and loving thing to do. Be gracious and accept what she buys. If your child want to play with it let them. If not, pop it in a cupboard and donate it at a later date. BE KIND

I couldn't imagine having a baby/toddler and cutting out the plastic. I've kept my youngest's toys because my eldest is quite a lot older and I'm hoping they will be reused. I would say they are nearly 100% plastic. Just take the gift. I would hate to have that kind of restriction placed on my gift buying when I am a grandmother and would never have done it to my own mother or MIL.

@Snaleandthewhail thank you - this is a great idea and not one I had thought of.

All kids toys are made of plastic. Aren't they?!

So what you are really saying is you don't want your child to have toys. Seems a shame, but personally if it was my relatives I think they would respect the decision and bring books or clothes as requested.

I’ve voted YABU because whilst there may be some serious issues going on within the family, this really isn’t one of them. A plastic hoover is a pretty standard gift for little ones and most like playing with them in my experience. From your son’s point of view, he is just getting a lovely pressie from his grandma. Many children don’t get presents at all. If there are other issues then sort those out but this seems a very ott reaction to this particular situation and tbh what you suggested in your OP sounds rude. If he was veggie and she was feeding him meat or you were growing his hair and she got it cut etc then fair enough.

Tricky one, personally I would accept the gift, you can donate it once he has finished with it and I am sure it will have a new lease of life (we have some plastic toys that have been passed down about 5 times and they are still going strong). As he gets older it's more reasonable to ask for particular things as it's likely he will have preferences and likes, but I do get that it's frustrating. Your DH is probably best placed to try and manage the situation going forward.

Brio train track- takes ages to get everything and can be really expensive. Starter loop now and then an engine/bridges/battery trains each birthday/christmas etc

Oh and following from @Snaleandthewhail yes, my DD has a massive collection of playmobil that she plays with every single day and she is 9 now so it’s endured really well.

So you started a thread to tell us how manipulative and controlling your husband's mother is (revealing that, quite honestly, you sound the same while he sounds like a wet lettuce) but we're expected to only agree with you...

My constructive advice would be to stop mothering your husband and let him deal with all and any in-law issues. Be nice and say thank you for presents instead of being a precious snob, then donate them if necessary. (Be sure to do it before Junior sees them though, because he will prefer them to that autobiography of AA Gill you're planning on reading to him)

Sounds like you can't wait to make your 'announcement'.

She now barely see's her GC.

I'm sure you'll deny, it but it sounds like you've got it just how you want it,

You'd be unreasonable to be rude about the toy.

I think you need to have a 1:1 with yourself. Plastic, tat and clutter is just part of having children. You just can't control what people and your MIL will buy for DC. Nor should you just dispose of it - imagine in a few years, MIL buys a much wanted toy and DS tells her he is not allowed to play will it??

Also it's not actually what I'd consider 'tat' at the baby age normally.

Second brio. Getting something you can add to is a fab idea. Our brio lasted 3 kids. Dd (the youngest) played with it until she was about 7 - by then we had all sorts of cool stuff and she'd build fab tracks.

If people could refrain from being nasty, that would be lovely. I'm asking for advice - if the answer is that it would be best to just leave it, I'm quite happy to hear that. But calling names and suggesting I'm abusive towards DH is unnecessary.