"Oh thank you, that will be a lovely toy to have at Granny's house"?

[babybrain77]

WIBU to respond this way to a present given to DS by MIL?

Backstory - MIL is very controlling/emotionally manipulative of DH. He has gone relatively LC with her since we had our DS (he used to see her a couple of times a week, now around once a month) - his choice not mine. She is regularly putting him in deliberately difficult situations where he feels that he is being asked to choose between her and me/DS. I bite my tongue and try to be supportive but it's not easy.

DS is coming up to his first birthday. We are having a small get together to celebrate. We have been avoiding buying plastic toys for him since he was born - I dislike the environmental impact and also don't like the house to be filled with plastic crap. We do have the odd plastic bit here and there which have been handed down by friends - I have no issue with this. MIL knows this as we have explained it, but almost every time she sees DS she brings some sort of plastic tat, gradually increasing in size. Last month it was a plastic Hoover. I am already dreading what she will bring for his birthday.

I have asked DH to let her know that DS really doesn't need any more toys and to suggest a book or item of clothing, but he doesn't feel able to do so without initiating an argument. So, when she arrives with her enormous plastic toy, WIBU to thank her and say it will be great to have it to play with at her house???

@babybrain77 Please know I completely understand where you are coming from (although it was my parent, not in-laws). You ask:

'The issue I'm asking for advice on is how to draw a boundary with MIL without causing a big confrontation. It sounds as though my thought is not a good one. We have already tried asking for a specific thing and donating would cause an argument. Does anyone have any other (constructive) suggestions?'

You are quite right for being aware of the need for boundaries in this relationship, but the helpful point for the boundary is not at the point of the gift giving in this situation. You've already entered in to the drama/invited her to the 'dance' at this point and now there is no solution that doesn't end with either confrontation (I think the donating straight away and dealing with the fallout is the best option here) or your values being conceded (accept the toy and keep it as long as your child wants it and donate once they've stopped playing with it.)

The boundary may have been better set at the invitation I e. Not inviting her.

But we live and learn and this is a long haul and daily practice. Good luck and take care of yourself and you DH in this process. It is not simple or straightforward.

I think you have to accept that family will buy your DC what they think he will love. As he gets older, people will ask more what he likes. At this age it's really easy to buy fun presents without needing ideas from the parents. Invest in some really good storage (more than you think you need). None of our plastic toys got thrown away, all were passed on.

The OP doesn’t have a problem with plastic toys at all. She has a problem with plastic toys bought by the granny.

Accept her gifts graciously. If your DC likes it then there is no problem. If she gives you something your DC doesn’t like pass it on to a charity shop or a friend. If she asks about it at a later visit you can either be vague (oh, it’s around somewhere) or tell her the truth.

I think you might look back in a few years and feel a bit embarrassed about the no new plastic rule you have and telling people what to buy your DS.

You need to relax a little OP. Pick your battles. You can have new plastics items and put them to charity shops etc once your DS is finished with them. Wooden is not that much better to be honest and they tend to be knackered more quickly due to dirt etc. A plastic hoover sounds great, I would have appreciated that for my DS

If you genuinely want a better relationship then you need to step back from trying to control her (and thereby letting her control you). Choose to see the best in her actions. Don't badmouth her to your dh (but be supportive to him if he is needing to vent about her). If you are sitting there enjoying your child's joy at playing with the plastic tat (and letting go of the bristling against the MIL that is a dynamic as old as time) then either she will warm and start to be more amenable, or she will be fighting a one sided war and will give up or look in the wrong.

I think it depends if she's buying him plastic tat every week or if it's the odd gift here and there.

If it's tat every week then you would not be unreasonable to say something.

However, if she's getting him the odd toy every now and again then seriously, let it go. It's not worth the upset and battle. And as someone with older children trust me when I say that those plastic toys will probably get a lot more play out of them than any wooden ones.

My DS had the Dyson hoover and it was played with regularly by him and then his sister for 5 years before we donated it to a charity shop for another child to enjoy.

The wooden shape sorter was played with for a couple of months. The wooden stacking rings were barely touched.

In my case, the wooden toys were definitely more wasteful!

I do agree with PP about Brio though, that is still played with regularly here and you can add bits to it.

There are some good suggestions about what she could buy but some people don't want to know what others are into, and choose their own gifts. If she hasn't asked what she can give, then she falls into that category.

So all you can do is just be gracious on the day and enjoy the gathering.

We have a room full of brimming bookshelves. All our children love to read. They also love Lego, dinky cars, plastic star wars models and figures, plastic kitchen full of plastic food, pots and pans, musical instruments, wooden train set, nerf guns, plastic swords, dress up stuff!

I have 4 children and a full house!

Books are fantastic for kids. But the y need more than books. He needs to play, he needs to imagine, and build and create. And he needs to play with lightweight toys that are easy to hold and manouvere. This is why plastic toys are so popular!

In 15 years time you are going to be, for the most part, the same person you are now, just a bit older and wiser. Your son on the other hand is going to go through do many changes, phases, transformations even in the next 6 months, never mind 15 years. He is the one going to be growing, changing, transforming and you are going to have to adapt with that.

His likes and interests will become apparent, and while you don't have to indulge every whim, you will have to meet him along the road and buy things he likes. (otherwise we might have another "mil" thread on here in 30 years time from the wife of a man whose mother was very rigid in his upbringing 😉)

We all had ideals when we had our first baby. Things we'd never do, things we'd never say, things that would never enter our house!! As our children grow, and become their own people, and have friends and interests and influences other than just us, we realise it's not all about what we think is best (as parents we of course will do what is best for our children!) but overtime we have to relax our attitude and "pick our battles". Somethings are worth taking a stand on. Somethings aren't. And if we take a stand on the minor things, when we really really need to take a stand people tend to roll their eyes and think "she's off on one again".

Sometimes it's preferable to not sweat the small stuff. And this is the small stuff.

I commented on your previous thread re controlling the Christmas presents your DH was allowed the buy his PIL.

It's going to be an uphill struggle if you are pre empting and trying to control any present involving situation.

I think you are going to find life harder and harder as your parenting goes on. This is one of those times when there's a right way and a wrong way to be an ethical person. You come across as very difficult and arrogant, the kind of person people need to tiptoe around in real life. Why don't you accept it gracefully and then donate it?

The hoover I would have given back with "oh MIL, DS's birthday isn't until next month, please wait until then"

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre t
That's it in a nutshell. Eloquently stated.

We have been avoiding buying plastic toys for him since he was born

When people make blanket statements like this, they sound so idiotic.

There are lots of great plastic toys out there that will be passed on and passed on. Are you avoiding duplo and lego? They are some of the best toys out there.

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

"Sometimes it's preferable to not sweat the small stuff. And this is the small stuff."

This exactly.

And by the way, if you already have one, it's too big, too small, not to your taste... you graciously accept the gift and say thank you.

Well, she gets bonus points from me for not succumbing to sex stereotypes and opting for a toy vacuum as opposed to a drill and work bench. She would be forgiven the plastic.

But in all seriousness, as your ds gets older and forms his own tastes and opinions, you're not likely to stop him wanting plastic toys. It's admirable that you're trying to be more environmental, though.

I'd just accept it graciously. It's a present and I was always taught to accept presents graciously. Plastic toys can be handed down/ given to charity (plenty of women's refuges to give to) if you're that concerned. They can be recycled.

I had a few very enthusiastic with giving things relatives. It was bloody awful for a while. Presents bigger than Christmas when they came over, age inappropriate, too large for our flat... people who thought a gift = love.

I broached it after I said for the millionth time "thank you, she's too young for this for a couple years so I'll have to put it away"

"You know that you really don't need to bring anything for DD when you come over don't you? She really doesn't care about that, the most exciting thing when you visit is you, not what you bring. If you want to make her happy to see you then why not play with her? I know getting on the floor is hard so why not sit at the table, she LOVES sticking/ instruments/ dolls and you can absolutely play that with her. She will ADORE you for it.

@lauriemarlow when people make comments without reading the thread, they sound so idiotic. DS has plastic toys, including a large set of duplo, passed down by a friend. He is too young for Lego.

think you are taking this wooden/plastic debate too far.
There are plenty of wonderful plastic toys
and surely a plastic hoover is a great gender neutral toy!
plastic at least can be wiped clean

FTMs of young babies who don’t like plastic toys always make me smile. I was one of those! Everything for my son’s first year was wooden. Then he hit two. Hah! All of a sudden there was nothing more enticing than a brightly coloured plastic piece of rubbish.

when people make comments without reading the thread, they sound so idiotic. DS has plastic toys, including a large set of duplo, passed down by a friend.

Life is often to short to RTFT.

Own what you wrote in your OP.

Whether or not it's reasonable to suggest this to me would partly depend on how often your dc visits Granny's house - if it's monthly then fair enough for gits OTHER THAN the birthday gift, if it's rarely (say once or twice a year) that's a bit mean. For the birthday gift itself, I wouldn't make any fuss and just accept with as good a grace as possible.

I don't get the concept of accepting second hand plastic but then quickly outing a plastic gift to a charity shop for the sake of saying we don't have new plastic. Someone still bought it whether you allow your child to be the first to enjoy it or not. As long as you stick to the principle of passing it on when he's done and not buying plastic stuff yourself for now isn't that the main thing? I think you want to prevent the feeling that MIL is self satisfied bringing plastic into your house more than you want to prevent the plastic coming in. Pick your battles, stick with things that actually effect the dc in a negative way. If you think she's doing it just to piss you off and then go home rubbing her hands together in satisfaction then send her a thank you card, let her think you like it.

You haven't even bothered to read the op though have you laurie? It says right there they have plastic toys that have been handed down.

Can i ask how you feel about the mouthing of wooden toys?
do you take your lo to playgroup?

on both the above scenarios surely plastic is far better since it is more hygienic?
plastic can even be put in the dishwasher

I think you might look back in a few years and feel a bit embarrassed about the no new plastic rule you have and telling people what to buy your DS.

^this