"Oh thank you, that will be a lovely toy to have at Granny's house"?

[babybrain77]

WIBU to respond this way to a present given to DS by MIL?

Backstory - MIL is very controlling/emotionally manipulative of DH. He has gone relatively LC with her since we had our DS (he used to see her a couple of times a week, now around once a month) - his choice not mine. She is regularly putting him in deliberately difficult situations where he feels that he is being asked to choose between her and me/DS. I bite my tongue and try to be supportive but it's not easy.

DS is coming up to his first birthday. We are having a small get together to celebrate. We have been avoiding buying plastic toys for him since he was born - I dislike the environmental impact and also don't like the house to be filled with plastic crap. We do have the odd plastic bit here and there which have been handed down by friends - I have no issue with this. MIL knows this as we have explained it, but almost every time she sees DS she brings some sort of plastic tat, gradually increasing in size. Last month it was a plastic Hoover. I am already dreading what she will bring for his birthday.

I have asked DH to let her know that DS really doesn't need any more toys and to suggest a book or item of clothing, but he doesn't feel able to do so without initiating an argument. So, when she arrives with her enormous plastic toy, WIBU to thank her and say it will be great to have it to play with at her house???

OP I’m so sorry there are people in here assassinating you for your preferences. What a tough crowd on a Sunday morning. I hear what your saying and see your dilemma. I don’t have anything to add but the collection idea is a good one I think. We also have a mix of plastic and wooden toys and most of the plastic ones are gifts or second hand.

For a nearly one year old, a book is just a book. A plastic ' crap' toy is exciting . It does something , it might make a noise , it feels great with hands and mouth . Tbh I think your child will be poorer off by not having access to a few items of it.

You have to hand it to your MIL, she's homed in on exactly the right issue to be a cow about. Almost everyone on here is giving you their opinion about plastic toys now, as if this was actually about the merits of a "no plastic" policy and not about the fact that you have asked MIL not to do something and now she does it all the time.

It's really not about the toys, it could have been anything, as long as it was something slightly out of the ordinary, something that people might disagree about. If you were doing attachment parenting, or if you had a nap schedule; if you breast fed, or if you bottle fed; if you had a pet, or if she had a pet, and there were ground rules around any of that: by picking on something a little bit controversial, something that people have feelings about, she manages to attract all the sleep trainers or breast feeders or dog owners to her point of view and manages to make you look like the uptight, controlling one. People forget that it's her overstepping your boundaries, not the other way round - that you have every right to do things your own way, just like everyone else did, just like she did.

I'm a little surprised at the controversy around the distinction between reusing and purchasing something new. This isn't exclusive to plastic btw - we would rather reuse something that someone else doesn't need or want than buy it new.

I think PPs may be right that my feelings towards MIL and the sense that she's deliberately buying the thing we've said we would rather not have, is clouding my response to the situation.

@WhatchaMaCalllit we do have a garden and I would love to suggest something like that. But DH doesnt want to ask/tell her what to buy. So it feels like the only solution is that we end up with big new toys being brought every month with nowhere to keep them

YABU and you sound preoccupied with creating boundaries for your MIL instead of picking your battles. Kids end up with piles of plastic crap, most start out with the notion that they are only going to have a few educational wooden toys but by the child is a year old they’ve already acquired loads of plastic. Give them to playgroups and childminders if you’re worried about the environmental impact.

I don’t believe this is to do with the environment at all, otherwise you wouldn’t have any - you seem to want to give the green light on the specific toy. It’s more about controlling your MIL. Lots of people have said similar to me on here and your response each time is that YANBU and ordering people to stick to only the matter of the plastic toys. It’s controlling, but you don’t even see it.

There is no need to even be having this issue, you already stated that other people won’t buy plastic crap and so what isn’t one item from MIL? You could bypass this whole thing but I don’t think you want to. BTW most wooden toys become boring very quickly.

Your DH is contributing to the issue by not actually Telling his mother what to do buy.
Suggest he tells her about toys for the garden

@toomuchtooold thank you. I do feel like it's not unreasonable to want to have boundaries but I must not have articulated the issue very well!

Surely the decision lies with your child. If they like the gift & play with it you keep it if they show no interest in it you get rid. You are looking to make a decision on a gift that you don't know what it is and could be the best gift your child likes. YABU

@Toffeecakes its helpful to hear that this is not a battle worth fighting - advice I'm happy to take. But I could do without the character assassination that seems to be coming with it!

You're asking for advice on how to draw a boundary with mil, but maybe you need to stop drawing boundaries altogether? Its not 'character assassination' to suggest that the issue with your mil is all her fault. You both have a part to play.

*not all her fault

It is only his 1st birthday?
you have years of this

Your MIL may well be an absolute nightmare but you’d be better to find a different line in the sand. This particularly issue makes you seem petty and controlling. You will always look like you are the one in the wrong when you target the minutiae.

The plastics argument is a red herring. The environmental impact of plastics is primarily about single use. Plastic children’s toys are hard wearing, enduring, cleanable (making them the only kind suitable for groups, hospital waiting rooms, GP waiting rooms, Paeds wards etc). They can be reused, regifted, donated etc over and over such that the CO2 impact can be less than the virtue signalling wooden alternatives. Yes, it would be much better if she found her plastic gift second hand, but if it comes new...well this isn’t really an issue to go to war over.

Have you tried using an amazon wishlist instead? Almost everyone uses amazon these days and it prevents duplication, and you can steer relatives to what your child is ready for/interested in. Letting everyone know from the outset that you keep one, and emailing access to it, can really help steer the clutter a bit in the early years. My eldest two are coming up to 9 and 6 and are delighted with Waterstones vouchers now, because they can choose toys and books there. The clutter does start to shrink back eventually.

Here’s a suggestion from granny that might tick both your requirements (big statement gift for her, wooden and age appropriate for you):

www.amazon.co.uk/Trihorse-wooden-marble-children-stable/dp/B0085LXZZ8/ref=sr_1_4_sspa?psc=1&keywords=Marble+run+wooden&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUFTWTQwN1dUVkZZWUsmZW5jcnlwdGVkSWQ9QTAyMzAzMTAyMFVPVjVPWVJKMkgxJmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTA2MzI3ODgzQzQ1UDU5UkYxUkRYJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfYXRmJmFjdGlvbj1jbGlja1JlZGlyZWN0JmRvTm90TG9nQ2xpY2s9dHJ1ZQ==&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1582451708&sr=8-4-spons

Why don’t you talk to MIL about it? You could bring up his birthday and say you’ve been thinking he needs some toys for the garden as it’s getting to springtime now and the weather will (hopefully) be nicer soon. Maybe she would like to contribute towards something for the garden?

You all think that the lassie is making this into an issue because she dislikes her MIL and not the other way round. OK, so say it wa someone else, that the OP really liked, and they kept giving her plastic toys for her DC despite knowing she wasn't into plastic toys. Would it be OK for OP to take them to the charity shop? And if so, why does she need to keep giving house room to her MIL's unwanted presents?

You are going go cringe so hard at this in a few years time

You shouldn't have bothered to invite her if none of you want her there or want her gift.

What you gonna do if she shows up with a wooden toy?
What you planning on doing if she upsets your OH and puts a bad vibe on the whole party?

Because this sounds very plausible and as someone who is also feeling the struggle of going LC, I would be incredibly hurt if my partner put my parents feelings above mine on my child's birthday. Agreement in place or not!

What will you do when its birthday party time in 4 years and 15 children show up with 15 £5 plastic toys

*Your husband needs to get a grip though, you’ve years of gift receiving ahead of you and it is frankly wasteful not to steer people toward appropriate gifts. As is so often the case, do you have a DH problem rather than a MIL problem?

Would it be OK for OP to take them to the charity shop?

No I don’t think it would, as a friend I would be very hurt that she had rejected the gift I bought for her child. And I was the aunt buying the loud, noisy, light up lumps of plastic (that the kids absolutely loved and that got passed on to siblings etc for years).

A gift is a gift, unless she’s going to reject every single bit of new plastic from everyone ever after (good luck with that).

In terms of a big present every month, I’d tackle that by explaining we only do gifts for Christmas and birthdays, if she’s keen to treat him could she stick to smaller toys so it doesn’t become an expectation.

I've just realised who the OP is.
In the kindest possible way, and no, it's not going to come across kindly, but you are obsessed with perceived slights from your MIL.
If she is the MIL/mother from hell (and none of your comments here or on your other threads suggest she is) then talk with your drip of a husband and make a decision to go NC.
What you do at the moment is just passive aggressive manipulation.
As others have said, had your best friend bought Junior a plastic hoover we wouldn't be having this "burn the witch" attitude. And you know it.
If she bought him a handcrafted organic wooden whatever you'd have something to say about that too.

OP - I am a grandmother and a few years ago I was invited to visit my DS, DIL and 2 GCs. I took a bottle of Ribena for children which I thought innocuous. However my DIL started shouting and screaming how she hated Ribena and I burst into tears and wanted to go straight home! Instead my son drove me round the block a few times and I went back to house with him and DIL apologised! However - something I will never forget!

In terms of a big present every month, I’d tackle that by explaining we only do gifts for Christmas and birthdays, if she’s keen to treat him could she stick to smaller toys so it doesn’t become an expectation

But if they kept doing it anyway?

People will buy things that aren’t to your preference - the gift is for your son, not for you. Accept it gracefully and let your son in time decide if it’s something he wants to play with.

This is an excellent point.

My DS favourite toy is a plastic figure that came out of a happy meal. We have a whole house and garage full of toys (plastic and wooden) and that’s his favourite! My in laws are the same, hundreds of plastic toys for Christmas and Birthday, but I just decided to pick my battles. I think if you fight with MIL over this you’ll spoil your memory of your DSs first birthday. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Accept the toy, say thank you and if your son doesn’t play with it, donate it to a charity shop in a few months.

But if they kept doing it anyway?

I’d then agree that some of them stayed at grand house to play with there - and would be sure my child got time to play with them there.

There are some new parents that are very against plastic toys until they have a second child and realise that a Duplo brick thrown does little damage, whereas a wooden block is a far more lethal weapon.
Direct your MIL to Ebay or to charity shops. Win, win.