"Oh thank you, that will be a lovely toy to have at Granny's house"?

[babybrain77]

WIBU to respond this way to a present given to DS by MIL?

Backstory - MIL is very controlling/emotionally manipulative of DH. He has gone relatively LC with her since we had our DS (he used to see her a couple of times a week, now around once a month) - his choice not mine. She is regularly putting him in deliberately difficult situations where he feels that he is being asked to choose between her and me/DS. I bite my tongue and try to be supportive but it's not easy.

DS is coming up to his first birthday. We are having a small get together to celebrate. We have been avoiding buying plastic toys for him since he was born - I dislike the environmental impact and also don't like the house to be filled with plastic crap. We do have the odd plastic bit here and there which have been handed down by friends - I have no issue with this. MIL knows this as we have explained it, but almost every time she sees DS she brings some sort of plastic tat, gradually increasing in size. Last month it was a plastic Hoover. I am already dreading what she will bring for his birthday.

I have asked DH to let her know that DS really doesn't need any more toys and to suggest a book or item of clothing, but he doesn't feel able to do so without initiating an argument. So, when she arrives with her enormous plastic toy, WIBU to thank her and say it will be great to have it to play with at her house???

I do get where you're coming from because I have the same with my own mother. However I think it's one of those things that is part of being a parent and you have to grin and bear it. I hate the look of loads of plastic toys in the living room but there's good storage solutions out there and it keeps the kids happy so it's not the end of the world. I wouldn't let your child miss out on toys because of issues with your Mil.

Our house is FULL of plastic toys. When they're worn out, just take them down to the tip and put them in the 'rigid plastics' skip - they'll be recycled. Plastic is actually no more environmentally damaging than wood or paper.

Only on MN does a perfectly normal post bring out condemnation of the OP being an angry, controlling and manipulative abuser....

I tried to be minimal mountains of plastic tat - it just doesn't happen if you want a stress-free existence. Now I house share with about a million tiny plastic Playmobil grandchildren who bring DD2 so much joy and hours of entertainment (they're currently having a swimming lesson) that I can't begrudge it.

When they're outgrown - grandparents will have the pickings to see what they want to keep at their house for the kids/grandkids/granddad to make elaborate dioramas with the Ancient Egyptians and Romans and the rest will be sold on or donated to school. It's not a case of "play once and off to landfill" with any good quality children's toys... hell even our Paw Patrol vehicles went off to a local nursery to be played with when they were outgrown here (friend's a nursery manager).

I read an identical thread on this about 3 weeks ago. Was that you OP?

If it's particularly large and noisy I'd be tempted to say just that! However if it's smaller, you can fit it in your house , and DC likes it then I wouldnt make a fuss. I preferred wooden toys when mine were young but to be fair they were very fond of noisy plastic tat and they loved their toy hoover!
Also if you are rejecting mil gift because it's plastic it's only fair to give the same response to everyone who gives DC a gift that's made of plastic.

@DianaT1969 no not me - were the responses similar?

Your dc is only one .... You don't know what they will be into one of my dc passions was sparked by a present I would not have suggested from mil.

And on the plastic crap I understand but just wait until they are bigger and the house is full 😂

Don't create battles over minor stuff OP. Accept whatever she gives with grace and gratitude and then take it to the charity shop down the line

OP, is the issue your mil? Plastic? Or lots of presents to your son that you'd rather not get?

You say he has plastic toys that have been passed on to you from friends, and that second hand toys are better than buying new. So if mil was to turn up at his party with a plastic toy from a charity shop, would that be OK?

You can't really tell her not to buy plastic toys, if he has plastic toys.

You can however tell her that she doesn't need to give him something everytime she sees him. Ask her to keep gifts to birthday and Christmas. But a grandparents job is to spoil grandkids, so she shouldn't be made to feel like she can NEVER buy him something. Do you feel differently about your own mother and siblings giving gifts?

We used to do a clear out every so often and put a lot of stuff up in the loft. Give it a few months and then swap what's in the loft for what's in the sitting room and hey-presto your son has loads of "new" toys.

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre good question - I think it's a bit of a combination of all 3. Mostly I think the issue is that I feel that she is doing it to deliberately annoy DH which in turn annoys me. It's not the only thing where she chooses to ignore our wishes - DH feels really strongly that he doesn't want pictures of DS on social media and she has repeatedly disrespected that; we are trying to avoid sweets/chocolate whilst we can and she bought DS a chocolate variety pack (when he was 7 months old) and kept trying to sneak him bits behind our backs; she refused to see DH and DS over Christmas at all because she wanted to host Christmas day and we wanted to spend DS first christmas at home. There are loads more examples - it just feels like DH and I are constantly having to "let things go". Maybe we are just unreasonable about the way we are wanting to parent DS and theres a PFB thing going on, but I just wish that sometimes we could do things the way we want to and not have to justify ourselves or battle over it.

So, taking all that into account, explain again why you told your husband she should be invited to the party?!

I'm not taking a dig at you, but sometimes "being the bigger person" just makes you out to be a mug.

She interferes. She ignores your wishes. She demands, and then sulks if she doesn't get her way. I completely understand having different rules for different people. A gift from your own mother is probably just a gift, whereas a gift from her means something else.

A somewhat similar example is my family call me by the shortened form of my name and that's OK with me. But if someone I don't like, or I don't know very well calls me the shortened version it rankles!

I think you and your husband need to decide together how to handle her going forward. And the only boundary you can put in place is include her, or don't. If you invite her in to your home, you invite her as she is. She is never going to change. So you accept that any invitation extended by you is most likely going to be repaid with something you wouldn't choose yourselves. If you don't want the stress of that you allow your husband to cut contact, reduce contact, not invite, however he sees fit and you let her grumble, complain, give out. But from a distance you can peacefully ignore it.

But, for your own sake you do need to let some things go. Pick your battles. Try figure out if it really matters at the end of the day, and support your husband in his decisions. They are his to make. You might not agree with everything. He occasionally might get it wrong. But we are all human. Just let go a little and try not to micro manage so much. For a start you will end up exhausted, but also you will be an easy target for blame if when things go wrong.

I'm buying a pretty wooden stacking toy, not a plastic one.

I bought a plastic stacking cup toy in late 1990 that was still going strong in 2004. The DCs had endless fun with it. It went in the bath, the sand pit, to tea parties... Another thing they loved was a Tomy megasketcher, bought in 1994/5 that they used to doodle on even as teenagers 10-15 years later.

Kids don't care how pretty toys are.

Your examples are all about rules you and your dh have set. You are trying to control the world around you and that is not always possible, more so when you have kids. She is pushing up against that, rightly or wrongly. We dont have any rules about toys, sweets and photos on social media but its very rarely a problem anyway

With your update, why are you ignoring your husband’s wishes about being LC with her?

It’s not cruel to not invite someone who obviously disrespects you and your partner every chance they get.

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre I think you have nailed the problem on the head DH doesnt want to go NC with her, he wants to find a way to have a positive relationship with her. In that context, excluding her from her only grandchild's first birthday party didn't seem like a sensible thing to do. He asked my opinion and I said I thought it was hurtful - he thought about it and decided to invite her.

Your assessment that we need to accept her as she is or limit contact is a bit of a revelation. I don't think DH is willing to continue the relationship without trying to address her undermining him at every turn. But the idea that our DS wouldn't have a relationship with his granny will also make him very sad. I suppose we were looking for a middle ground with some healthy boundaries, but maybe this just isn't possible.

@Vulpine I do take your point. But at what stage does parenting become 'control'? MIL would like DS to sit on her lap in the car rather than in a car seat. That was a categorical no from me - is that controlling? Do many parents allow their 7 month olds to have chocolate? Not amongst my circle, but admittedly we are all first time mothers. Do we not have a right to decide where we want to spend Christmas without being blackmailed - 'if you don't come to me on Christmas day I won't see you at all until after new year'?

I think when you are dealing with issues almost all the time, it gets a bit hard to see the wood from the trees (or the plastic!). Hence why I asked for advice on this issue, which it looks as though I was unreasonable about.

Go with your DH and don't invite MIL to the party.
If she buys a plastic toy just get of it by donating it to a playgroup or charity shop.

If MIL asks where is my toy just say as you know we don't have plastic toys in our house so I donated it to a charity shop.

Don't get stressed about it, just be decisive and don't worry about MIL taking offence. It may stop her from buying any more plastic. She's not going to suddenly become a great mother to your DH whatever you do or don't do.

I understand OP. My MIL buys multiple shitty toys for our DDs every single time she visits - approximately once a fortnight. It's always big things too and we have a relatively small house with zero storage. A few weeks ago it was a huge terrifying bear which sings nursery rhymes for DD(1) and a gigantic plastic My Little Pony Castle for DD(4). She has never expressed an interest in My Little Pony in her life. We set it up for her and I encouraged her to play with it a few times, told her the characters names, and she wasn't remotely interested, so it's now been relegated to the loft, along with the majority of the 6 million toys she has bought since she was born. I used to constantly drop not so subtle hints about how small the house was and how we really didn't have room for any more stuff. I've given up now and just keep telling myself we'll make a fortune when we sell it all.

I must admit, I tried doing the wooden toy thing when DD(4) was a baby. I spent an absolute fortune on Melissa & Doug and GLTC stuff. The majority was exclusively ignored in favour of plastic chewable crap. For her first birthday we soent a ridiculous amount of money on a beautiful wooden activity cube. Her favourite present by FAR was the ELC plastic stacking cups bought by a friend. The activity cube that I had spent hours choosing got completely ignored. Typical.

Do we not have a right to decide where we want to spend Christmas without being blackmailed - 'if you don't come to me on Christmas day I won't see you at all until after new year'?

Then you just shrug and say, "OK, sure we'll see you in the new year so". Don't react. Don't pander. Don't make excuses. Don't pretend like you know it's supposed to be emotionally blackmailing you. Just merrily go about your business. Ignoring the sulks.

Did you post about Christmas? I think I remember a post where on the baby's first Christmas the parents (you?) went separately to their own houses and then the mother (you?) went over to the inlaws in the evening even after deciding that you were just going to stay home as your new family unit.

It's time to stand up and be adults. Stop people pleasing. She won't like it, but she'll either get used to it and accept it or she will change the way she treats you both to get a favourable outcome for herself.

You can't change her. No matter how much you wish or hope. But if you change your reactions and behaviour then by extension the situation will change. And from that she MIGHT change they way she behaves. But if she doesn't it won't matter, because you will be getting on with your lives and seeing her as and when it suits.

Like it or not this is on you as a couple. You have the power to change things. You don't have the power to change her though!

A child-sized vacuum cleaner isn't exactly enormous if he enjoys playing with it. Think what you are doing for future generations of women by encouraging him to use it.

You don't really need a boundary. Set up a wish list on amazon, with lots of books toys and wooden games.
If she chooses something else, if dc loves it keep it, if they're not fussed then charity shop it and say it broke.

I think when you mention the bigger problems (the car, the chocolate at 7 months, the ridiculous behaviour at Christmas) you do have a point.

I can't get worked up over toys because your DC will either love them (good result) or not (and then you can 'lose' them) but the other things are either deal breakers or unnecessary or just plain ridiculous.

Fight the big fights, not the small ones. And if it carries on, a full and frank discussion is needed,spelling out the possible results of her carrying on regardless. Ball's in her court then.

I think @TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre is wise in advising you to continue as you see reasonable in doing what works for you and your family. Decide with your husband what the best course of action is and follow it through together.

In terms of your son's birthday, I sounds as though you've invited your MIL now so that's done; wait and see what gift she brings and whether your son takes to it. I think it would be reasonable to donate some of the older gifts that aren't used as much to charity shops or wherever, and if MIL asks after them, tell her the truth; that there isn't enough space for them and DS has more than enough. If she is cross, so be it.

I voted YABU because you were predicting the future and I think, as others have said, if you've invited MIL you now need to take her as she comes. I say this as someone who rehearses conversations and dreads worst case scenarios, too!

Good luck with the relationships going forwards!

You sound painfully . . painful op with ur shock horror plastic toys. What will u do, if your son likes them...