"Oh thank you, that will be a lovely toy to have at Granny's house"?

[babybrain77]

WIBU to respond this way to a present given to DS by MIL?

Backstory - MIL is very controlling/emotionally manipulative of DH. He has gone relatively LC with her since we had our DS (he used to see her a couple of times a week, now around once a month) - his choice not mine. She is regularly putting him in deliberately difficult situations where he feels that he is being asked to choose between her and me/DS. I bite my tongue and try to be supportive but it's not easy.

DS is coming up to his first birthday. We are having a small get together to celebrate. We have been avoiding buying plastic toys for him since he was born - I dislike the environmental impact and also don't like the house to be filled with plastic crap. We do have the odd plastic bit here and there which have been handed down by friends - I have no issue with this. MIL knows this as we have explained it, but almost every time she sees DS she brings some sort of plastic tat, gradually increasing in size. Last month it was a plastic Hoover. I am already dreading what she will bring for his birthday.

I have asked DH to let her know that DS really doesn't need any more toys and to suggest a book or item of clothing, but he doesn't feel able to do so without initiating an argument. So, when she arrives with her enormous plastic toy, WIBU to thank her and say it will be great to have it to play with at her house???

Do we not have a right to decide where we want to spend Christmas without being blackmailed - 'if you don't come to me on Christmas day I won't see you at all until after new year'?

I have pretty challenging relationship with my dad albeit fir different reasons. What helped was me deciding the kind of daughter I want to be regardless of how he is. So, he might try to cause chaos but I choose whether to buy in to that. Over Christmas for example I invited him to ours on Christmas Eve along with the rest of our extended family, he then decided to have an open house on Christmas Eve and invited everyone there. Rather than get upset about it I went and took the kids with good grace and saw folk there, and enjoyed a quiet Christmas Eve at home with the kids. He annoys the life out of me at times but as long as I feel I’ve been fair, I don’t sweat it. In your case I would have said “I’m sorry you won’t see us over Christmas, let’s plan for the new year and of course the invite here still stands if you change your mind” - her choice to come or not and her consequences fir that decision instead of you trying to control her behaviour which is just impossible.

Excellent advice there, @jellycatspyjamas.

OP, you and DH don't have to behave as if everything MIL does is designed to provoke you, or believe that you have no choice but to be provoked.

I don't think DH is willing to continue the relationship without trying to address her undermining him at every turn. But the idea that our DS wouldn't have a relationship with his granny will also make him very sad

@babybrain77
Has your DH ever done counselling where he talked about all of the issues he has with his mother?

Because, further to the point that he can't change her, all he can do is learn to change how he responds, how he frames everything she says and does.

He needs to find someone neutral to vent to, someone to coach him on how to proceed with his mother.

Personally I think you have to just live with the grandparent presents for these early years. They are an expression of love, not probably to your taste or according to your ethics, but in my opinion the intent behind them is more important and any rejection of them will be very hurtful.
I'm all for saving the environment but will be doing it from leading by my own actions, not dictating what others can and can't buy. Keep it until he no longer shows interest and then donate.

I recall a newspaper article or perhaps it was tv, a study done on cheap plastic toys (probably from China) that are bursting with some really nasty chemicals. So a young child chewing on them would in jest some.
Perhaps you spin this yo cover whatever MIL brings over

Annoying but this is what’s known as a “first world problem”, right? lol. Btw, Not everything plastic is “tat” though. For example LEGO and duplo are great quality and provide thousands of hours of learning/play.

I had a not dissimilar situation with my MIL who is actually nice, but incredibly stubborn, so if I say something (like, please don't but bulky plastic sruff) she will do the opposite (we also have a language/culture barrier as well, which "misunderstandings" can be put down to). Anyway she buys tonnes of big items which she knows I hate as presents. I luckily have 1 younger nephew, and I have a policy that if MIL bought something bulky then she gets it back a few years later "for nephew to play with at her house", all the bulky crap goes back to her. FIL hates it, but I just say MIL bought it, so she can deal with it. This approach has really helped me mentally over the years as I know I will get pay-back. You do need a younger nephew/ niece though!

Thesuzle, most wooden toys also come from China.

Your MIL sounds like my M (definitely no D). Don’t give her an inch - she’ll take 10k miles. For me it ended in NC for nearly 10 years as I didn’t trust her not to cause harm. I have no regrets (and both my DCs can’t stand her - one said to me he was felt so sorry for me having had her as a mother growing up!).

Stay strong (your reference to the chocolate and car seats reminded me!)

I was a fan of the wooden toys too, until I discovered what a fantastic throwing arm my DS has. Don't get me started on the centre pile of the wooden stacking rings, may as well have given the kid a gavel to play with.

I think as others here have said, your issue seems to be more with your MiL, not the war on plastic.

@babybrain77 I have in a similar situation. I gritted my teeth fought the big stuff, sucked up the small stuff. My children who are now adults had good relationships with the relatives who drove me crackers, some of whom are no longer with us. I am glad I allowed those relationships to thrive.

Personally I think this is a small battle. I accept you may not see it the same way. I don’t like to give advice as we never know the full story, but what helped in the big battles is that my partner and I agreed a stance and stuck to it.

Hope your little one has a great birthday.

You sounds quite ungrateful. It's up to her what she buys for him and I think it's lovely she wants to get him a gift.