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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding drama HELP

243 replies

Wolfgirrl · 22/02/2020 21:29

Me and my now-fiancee got engaged on Valentines Day this year. We have a 7 month old daughter and have had no end of problems with his family since she has been born (his parents turned up at the hospital unannounced despite being told I didnt want hospital visitors, that kind of thing). Anyway we have tried to put it all behind us lately.

We set the wedding date for October this year, we viewed a venue we fell in love with and was told the only available date was the 17th.

A few days later I texted MIL to say we had set the date for 17th October. She replies to say she is going on a girls weekend away, and that we should have 'asked' her whether to book for the 17th.

Further to this SIL has been in touch to say they were planning to go away for 10 days (17th being slap bang in the middle) for their 10th wedding anniversary and although they havent actually booked anything, they dont feel they can rearrange this (bear in mind their actual anniversary is not in October). To be fair she did message when we got engaged saying late October wouldn't be good for them, but we cant book the venue for any other weekend (already booked or price hiking we cant afford).

AARGH! I am pulling my hair out. Surely your sons wedding trumps a weekend away with friends you see often? And a holiday that hasn't even been booked? (Could totally understand if it had been booked already).

Is it us??? AWBU????

OP posts:
Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 09:48

8 months, Random.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 09:54

Just as an example, SIL arranged her kids christening for a month after my due date. Sounds fine but this wouldve meant packing up a newborn, getting on a plane and giving up a whole weekend. There was no thought for our feelings/convenience then. As it went, I told DP to go so as not to disappoint the children but this is a good example of how our convenience seems to matter little while they view theirs as being more important.

OP posts:
janemaster · 23/02/2020 09:56

Most people would not fly for a christening. Are you sure she was expecting you to attend?

Dontdisturbmenow · 23/02/2020 10:02

Anything under one year and you have to expect that people might have made plans. It's normal for people to do so when they have kids, work etc...

In the end, it's up to you, you set a date within the year and accept that people have already made plans that mean much to them and won't want to cancel, or you delay until the following year to ensure family can make it.

Chewbecca · 23/02/2020 10:02

You’re making out you would be all helpful and flexible but actually you are behaving in the opposite way.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 10:03

I'm not sure Jane, my best guess is indifference as to whether I would or not. But they made DP godfather so they very much expected him to attend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 10:04

Because it's my wedding. I would be helpful and flexible if it was theirs.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 23/02/2020 10:04

@Soontobe60 There are two people getting married here, not just the OP! Of course your dp wants his mother there!

Except he is the one who wants to push ahead with the date, as he really wants the venue they have chosen. So I am not sure why you are landing all this on the op.

AlphaIndigo · 23/02/2020 10:07

There is clearly history with you and SIL (perhaps MIL also) but it seems like you're using your wedding as an opportunity to get back at them. Whilst they might not be very accommodating to you and your DP, it doesn't mean you have to retaliate in kind.

janemaster · 23/02/2020 10:07

@Wolfgirrl I asked because I would not expect people to fly for a christening. So I would invite them to be polite, but I would be shocked if they actually came.

I get that you don't like your inlaws. But I don't understand how you can be hurt at being invited to a christening organised to be a month after your due date, and yet organise your wedding at a time your SIL has already said is not okay for her because she is planning a special thing. I do think what you did is worse.

janemaster · 23/02/2020 10:08

And I wonder if you were trying to get "revenge" on your SIL?

thecatsthecats · 23/02/2020 10:09

I think there would be a world of difference to their reaction if you'd acted remotely less entitled about the date.

If I'd just gone ahead and picked the date that suited me without checking my ringbearer nephew would have been four days old - just to make a point about what can happen in eight months!

In the wedding clash thread, lots of people were adamant that a verbal invite to one wedding meant attendance at another was impossible. Yes,, son's wedding outranks girls weekend all things being equal, but a paid up and organised trip that she's just expected to like it or lump it cancel because the bride and groom put Weddingbury Towers before her commitments is just twatty.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 10:09

Ok Jane.

OP posts:
Boysnme · 23/02/2020 10:10

We have our holidays planned sometimes 2 years in advance as I need to book the time off to ensure I get school holidays. I’d not thank you for booking your wedding and only giving me 6 months to work out how to do it. Particularly if it was around a time you knew I had holidays.

That said, we’d want to go to the wedding and would do what we could to accommodate it (I’d just probably have a wee grumble about it & then get over it!)

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 10:10

Oooh weddingbury towers and twatty Smile going to add those to my list!

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 23/02/2020 10:12

Because it's my wedding. I would be helpful and flexible if it was theirs.

Well welcome to the fact that the world does not revolve around your wedding. All you had to do was ask. What if they had another wedding booked on that date? Not uncommon.

whatareyoucooking · 23/02/2020 10:15

Sorry OP I do think YABU by not checking the dates with the important attendees.

burnoutbabe · 23/02/2020 10:16

Why is November not possible at all?
Just ask if that works for them and book it.

yellowallpaper · 23/02/2020 10:20

Say you have t got an alternate date and don't want a winter wedding. Book it and they will come or not, but tough

veryphishy · 23/02/2020 10:21

Like others, I'm not really sure what you're asking for help with?
Clearly you're not going to change the date so I assume your partner is ok with his mum and sister not being at his wedding.

They have plans and aren't going to change them it looks like. You knew about SILs plans so it does look deliberate and petty even if it actually wasn't. I don't think you've said if you knew about MILs plans.

I have 6 weekends this year where I wouldn't be available to attend a wedding. There's maybe one of those weekends that I'd be able/willing to get out of and I'd have to let other people down to do it.
A lot of money has been spent and plans have been made.

I don't expect anyone to check with me if I'm free if they were booking a late notice wedding (because 8 months is quite late).
But, my close family and my best friends probably would check because they'd want me there and I'd check with them too.

That doesn't always mean I could find a date to please everyone but I wouldn't find the one time that two close family members couldn't come then get the hump about it.

Original poster
Wolfgirrl · 23/02/2020 10:32

I'm not sure Phishy I probably am just looking to have a moan Confused

DP has just told me MIL has said she will cancel her weekend away, I've said to him I'm happy to reimburse her so hopefully that's the end of that one Smile

OP posts:
TheNoodlesIncident · 23/02/2020 10:37

The thing is, are you going to stick to that one venue as being the only one possible and therefore dates are not changeable, or it has to be this year and therefore dates are not changeable? Either someone has to compromise, or you risk family members not coming to your wedding and the potential for a whopper of a breach...

You thought beforehand the date would be okay, as SIL said late October was difficult for them. So you booked for mid-October, fair enough. But now you know it isn't okay, which way are you going to fall - force them to reschedule their plans, or look for an alternative date/venue? If you don't change the venue to get an alternative date, you are effectively saying to your in-laws-to-be that you don't care if they're there or not. Is that the way you want to proceed?

abitlostandalwayshungry · 23/02/2020 10:39

a lot ppl ignoring facts here - why are ppl insisting the wedding is only 6 month away if it's 8 month? you kind of disqualify your opinion by outing yourself not being able to count.

8 month is plenty of time and 17th is NOT end of October. So SIL shouldn't make a fuss.

OP, why not offer to cover MILs cost for rearranging her weekend trip, I'm assuming that will be cheaper than hiring the venue on the more expensive dates and will show her how important it is for you that she is there for the wedding.

janemaster · 23/02/2020 10:48

MIL won't be able to rearrange. She is cancelling. When you book a holiday to go away with friends you cannot insist everyone rearranges, and in reality getting one date everyone can do is usually difficult.

So she won't be out-of-pocket, but I think OP I would be apologising to her for not consulting her.

thecatsthecats · 23/02/2020 10:50

How are you coming up with the rule that 8 months is plenty of time?

Silly me, I forgot that the Tories brought in that law that no one could possibly make plans further than six months in advance!

OP - yes, it's fine to expect a certain amount of limelight about your wedding. In spite of what lots of MNers say, people do get excited about weddings, family especially e, and it's all people will ask you about in the run up.

But the rules of time and space still apply. You actually didn't go to your ILs christening, so you actually know this - the timing and location didn't suit you. It will be a lot easier for them to be excited about your wedding knowing they can actually be there.

From your language about the limelight I feel like it's you flexing your muscles here, not MIL.