Wedding drama HELP

[Wolfgirrl]

Me and my now-fiancee got engaged on Valentines Day this year. We have a 7 month old daughter and have had no end of problems with his family since she has been born (his parents turned up at the hospital unannounced despite being told I didnt want hospital visitors, that kind of thing). Anyway we have tried to put it all behind us lately.

We set the wedding date for October this year, we viewed a venue we fell in love with and was told the only available date was the 17th.

A few days later I texted MIL to say we had set the date for 17th October. She replies to say she is going on a girls weekend away, and that we should have 'asked' her whether to book for the 17th.

Further to this SIL has been in touch to say they were planning to go away for 10 days (17th being slap bang in the middle) for their 10th wedding anniversary and although they havent actually booked anything, they dont feel they can rearrange this (bear in mind their actual anniversary is not in October). To be fair she did message when we got engaged saying late October wouldn't be good for them, but we cant book the venue for any other weekend (already booked or price hiking we cant afford).

AARGH! I am pulling my hair out. Surely your sons wedding trumps a weekend away with friends you see often? And a holiday that hasn't even been booked? (Could totally understand if it had been booked already).

Is it us??? AWBU????

How on earth does anyone know how easy or hard it is for MIL to move her weekend away ? Generally once things are booked, they're booked and I would have said a prior arrangement would be mor difficult to change than the possibility of going away that hasn't even been book d.

OP what are your MIL weekend plans - do you even know - or are you just assuming that she should give them up even if costly?

Hi OP,

YANBU

I don't understand the harshness of some PP's on this thread.
You sound like a good person. The main thing is that you and your partner are happy with the wedding you have arranged. You have limited choices with dates due to other commitments and finances. There is no way you can please everyone.
I hope you both have a lovely day and it all works out well.

I haven't read all the replies but I think YABU. We also arranged our Wedding at relatively short notice (6mths) and due to this unfortunately some close friends and family couldn't attend who already had things planned (weekends away/holidays) but if it had been immediate family - parents/siblings/Grandparents then we would have made other arrangements. People are more important than venues. I'd be really upset if I was your DSIL , she specifically told you about her plans to celebrate her 10th Wedding Anniversary and you've ploughed ahead anyway, really selfish. I'd never expect everyone else to cancel plans for me.

Venues are not more important than the people in them

Keep the date, YANBU.
You can always do a video link so they don't miss it.
We booked our wedding 9 months away and did not check the date with anyone.
Told people we were engaged and the wedding was on xx date.
It's your life event, and you want it this year.
Either go ahead on your date or run off to registry office next week.
The most important thing is that you get married to your DP, not who is or is not there to watch.

What crikeycrumbsblimey said.

Yes, it's your big day, but generally speaking a wedding is a family celebration and I don't think your mil is being unreasonable if she's already booked and paid for something.

Can you move the month, it is so important you get married in October?

Yes agree with treacletoots ? October seems problematic for attendance- does the venue have any availability for November or early December?

@SoloMummy great post.

Entering marriage is entering a community. I love my in-laws because regardless of our differences, they fed, protected and made enormous sacrifices for my partner to enable him to become the wonderful man he is.

Our wedding date was booked in consultation with close family and friends re suitable dates.

A bit of grace goes a long way.

Why do people forget this and wonder why there are problems.

Yabu.

Of course wedding dates require family consultation.

Getting married is the act of bringing two families together. Some people in the individualistic west seem to struggle with this concept, and then wonder why there is unhappiness and dischord.

Courtesy and good grace goes a very long way with people. Simple.

To me, although you say it’s up to DP, I think you’re making it pretty clear what you think and that you want this venue more than MIL there.

As others said. We checked with those who we really wanted there what dates were no gos first.

I think it’s worth considering that what they did when DC was born was inconsiderate and selfish but not malicious and came from a place of excitement and love for their GC. It was over stepping boundaries and rude but not spiteful so hopefully one day you can reconcile that a little.

YABU. It's really not much notice for a wedding so although I wouldn't normally check dates in advance with key family members, I would have on this occasion.

Sounds like the way you're going it will be a choice between the venue or the guests.

'I texted MIL to say we had set the date for 17th October.'

Why did you text her?

Surely your DP can announce his wedding to his parents.

I think I'm going against the grain here but we checked with our immediate family and best friends before we booked our wedding date. The people we had at our wedding was more important to us than where we actually got married.

October is not that far away either, people already have holidays and other commitments...

The people around you make the wedding special, surely? If you're mil had a holiday with her friends booked, I think you're being a bit unfair...

Sorry for double post!
Agree with person up thread- weddings are ALL about the people, not the venue.

Sits on fence

I didn’t check with anyone with our date - get married in 3mths but we did book it with think 16mths notice And told everyone the date at once

8mths isn’t a lot of notice and assume falls on Oct half term weekend so some with children may be away

17th isn’t the end of oct

You have seemed to moved quickly

Engaged on 14th so just over a week ago

In that time you looked a venue liked it. Booked it. Then told mil to be a few days later

Why didn’t you mention it when you booked it - that df didn’t ring /pop round and say to mil we have booked a date

If sil hasn’t booked anything then she can go later

Depending where mil is can’t she come back for wedding or is she abroad

Wasn’t sure which way to vote tbh but ended up with you are not being unreasonable. Reason being that your In Laws seem to have form for being difficult in the past so I’m less inclined to be supportive of them. If you had a great relationship and all was well I would have expected you to have checked a little more carefully before booking. So, go ahead with the date and have a great wedding!!

We booked our wedding with just under a years notice and didn't check with anyone else if it was convenient for them. The only person necessary to be free is the registrar - have you booked them OP?

People who care for you won't expect you to double the budget to accommodate a holiday they've not booked yet!x

I think it’s a good idea to check dates, but if there’s only one available, that’s pointless. As an aside, 17th October isn’t late October, it’s firmly mid October. Late October would be 20th/21st onwards at the earliest, and that’s being generous.
In the case of your MIL tho, if her trip is organised, booked and paid for, I do feel for her.
Only you know whether they’d be likely to find excuses whatever date you chose, but if they would not, is a venue really more important than your fiancé’s closest family being able to attend? Worth thinking about.
If, however, your fiancé and you both agree that actually they’d find excuses to be awkward regardless of date chosen etc, then you must do what is right for you.

FWIW I did check my dates when I got married. We checked with the vicar and she could do one date in July and one in September, we’d both have been happy with either so we checked with our families. The September one didn’t quite work for his family so we chose July. Then my sister (also one of my bridesmaids) piped up saying she’d bought tickets for an event that weekend and continued to gripe about it to me throughout the whole planning process. Helpful.
In the grand scheme of planning/the wedding, by far and away one of the minor issues my family took with me, but an irritant nonetheless.
Moral of the story, sometimes even when you do your best, awkward people will still be bloody awkward!

Did your DH just sit beck and let his family visit less than 48 hours after the birth?
I understand how this has affected you.
Are you really so wedded to the venue and a wedding do? Nothing wrong with that, it’s normal, but in your shoes, with all you’ve got on the horizon, I’d be tempted by a tiny Registry Office wedding with a couple of best mates as witnesses, followed by a nice boozy meal. Then announce it to family afterwards, not in a “So there!” way, just “We thought we’d save the money and the fuss for other things we’ve got coming up”.

Thing is alot of people will have already made plans including holidays for this year. When weddings are planned a couple of years ahead it's not such a problem but planning for only 6 months time I do think you should have run it past them first. In fairness your SIL had already said late october would be difficult for them.

I imagine both will probably change their plans to accommodate you but neither are unreasonable to have already made other plans for this year.

I would have checked with nearest and dearest with only 6 months notice tbh.

Another example of the wedding being more important than the marriage

I don't really understand why you are getting such a hard time.
You are been asked to change a wedding for a holiday that isn't booked only thought about and a weekend away which you didn't know anything about.
You have to do what works for you and DP, as nice as it is to have family at your wedding it's not actually about them.
It's about the commitment between you and DP.
You can't spend the rest of your life pleasing everyone.
go and have the most amazing wedding and be prepared for more issues along the way, as long as you and DP stick together you will be fine. X

I can't understand why you didn't check at least with your MIL if that date suited. And I'm guessing that date may be half term which could affect your SIL?