Are my presents crap or is my DM purposefully not using them?

[shudup]

Don't ask me why this is bothering me this morning - for that alone I'm probably being unreasonable.

This year for Christmas I got her a grey linen waterfall sort of cardigan thingy - it was quite expensive. I've asked several times whether she has worn it yet and her response is always 'Oh I haven't been anywhere yet'. On one occasion though she did mention 'Your dsis got me a lovely white shirt' Almost as if to say that my present was worth less to her than my thoughtful present. She is overweight and I thought it would be flattering.

Last year I got her a tens machine as she suffers badly from pains in her hips and eats Nurofen like smarties. She hasn't used that either! I got it because Nurofen gobbles away at your insides, and figured something that's not going through your system would be healthier.

To me they're thoughtful gifts, but they just seem to get thrown in the top of the wardrobe as 'shudup's presents'. No matter what I buy, there's no gratitude - just a perfunctory 'thank you' when asked whether she got something (we live in different countries).

Her birthday is coming up - WIBU to not get her anything?

She never appears appreciative. What's the point if it's going to waste? I'm not flush, so I'm sacrificing something for myself whenever I spend money.

I just get the feeling that because we have a very strained relationship (she was and still is abusive to me), that she is purposely not using them - because they came from me.

AIBU?

I must have missed that too - why can't you go NC?

I was sent a copy of the referral yesterday to sign, which is probably why she's on my mind. I'll bring it up at my next session. I'm being referred for more specific therapy. That's where that excerpt is from. Fuck her, I just won't bother anymore.

I'm guessing a lot responding are parents of adult children. I'm writing as an adult child of an extremely abusive mother. What some of you can't comprehend, is my normal.

Nothing I wish to discuss here mymadworld.

Itwasntme - Why would anyone refer to something a poster may or may have not posted before unless the OP mentions it themselves?

I think the presents are thoughtful and very nice. A cake slice is an excellent idea. If someone gives the recipient a nice cake, she can dignify it by using a traditional and elegant implement. When friends call, and a cake is shared, the occasion is that bit more special if the right sort of cutlery is used. It prompts a conversation about which traditions, such as cups with saucers, ought to be revived. Surely little details like this make a difference as you get older, old enough to have grown up children: you get more into watching The Antiques Road Show and thinking of tradition and craftsmanship and quality.. Linen is a lovely fabric: it feels cool and silky to touch. Both presents sensual and beautiful in their own right. Grey is a useful colour to have - good for a holiday evening in warm climes abroad. At least the tens machine is a talking point with friends: does it work, how does it work? etc. I feel sympathy for OP because, when family members are at a distance, one of the things you do talk about is the presents you have exchanged and how you have used them. Just keep on doing the right thing, OP, because just to put so much thought into a gift is a kind and noble thing to do.

I think I know why you have to remain in contact OP, sort of guessed, and I think some others have now too.

This post is about your mother being an abuser - but you are giving her gifts that she can use as an opportunity to hurt you with. Many posters have missed the point and as you rightly say, don't understand at all. I do think the flowers thing - same bunch of flowers all the time - or something like that, don't ask if she received them and dont ask if she liked them - is the answer. Or send nothing.

I'm surprised other people haven't had a similar experience, not necessarily connected to any abuse but maybe a lack of manners or boundaries? My late MiL did this every christmas and birthday. Sometimes we'd ask what she wanted, say it was a navy blue cardigan from M&S. The one we got would be wrong, but the one SiL got, maybe a slightly different shade of blue or with different buttons, would be received as if it was a newborn fawn. She would open ours with a look of pain on her face as if to say "look at what I must suffer". We got various things she asked for - I recall some books with a compilation of stories from Women's Hour (too complicated), a reading lamp (too small), a biscuit jar (too jar-ry) and so on. Every item would be returned after a few weeks (used) and she'd always say "I think you'd better have this back now".

Yes, it would be nice if you would ask for it to be deleted. Otherwise we'll have every super sleuth trying to figure out who I am. And you know damned well that you referred to something I didn't wish to discuss.

I am guessing the "elephant" is a family member the OP feels they will "leave behind" if they go NC?

If that is the case, and the family member is over 16 and chooses to stay, then that is no reason to stop being NC. You could maintain a relationship without DM. Nothing you say or do will stop DM from abusing anyone left behind, whether you stay in contact with her or not.

Apologies if I have got it horribly wrong and I do understand how you feel

Diverseopinions

What a lovely thoughtful post. I may have something in my eye! Yes, I have an eye for quality and pomp and ceremony, so maybe we're mis-matched. How kind of you to post that! [a waterfall cardigan]

Ask her what she'd like instead of guessing or give her vouchers. Easy xx

I actually LOLd at 'a newborn fawn' DishingoutDone!

Lizzie
Her DM will dislike anything even if she has asked for it. It’s not about the gift, it’s about the power to reject the gift and in so doing, to reject the giver.

Doesn't everyone love posters like Lizzie25 who just has the solution?

@Itwasntme1 my post wasn’t at all unpleasant. Your mum loved the present. I’d be bemused. If you read to the end I was pointing out that you have to really know someone to buy anything with any certainty they will like it. I’m not ‘nasty and ungrateful’ (which I could construe as a personal attack, by the way). I have never told anyone I didn’t like their present, I always thank them. I’d just be bemused by that as a present, and I know lots of women who would be. Your mum want. You knew she wouldn’t be. That makes it a good present.
You can’t buy good presents for someone you don’t know really, really well. It also helps if you like each other.

when family members are at a distance, one of the things you do talk about is the presents you have exchanged and how you have used them.

This too. When you've nothing much else to discuss, you revert to talking about something which you know happened in their lives. Clearly though, I need to stop getting her anything. I'll receive as much gratitude.

If she is abusive, are you still putting yourself in harm's way trying to please her?

Lizzie obviously didn't rtft, but she also isn't wrong about the vouchers. Easier said than done I'm sure, but the key here OP if you can't go NC and you do feel it's best to keep getting her something is to disengage from the thinking and emotional energy part. Whoever said you're giving her the opportunity to hurt you via the presents you choose was right.

Also, itwasntme's posts were more unpleasant than cardibach's.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I do find it interesting that the OP continues to put time and thought into her DM's presents, when her DM sounds horrible and abusive. OP, you don't have to buy her anything at all but if for some reason you feel you must, just buy her flowers and chocolates.

@mymadworld makes such a lovely point that if you had a normal, loving mum and a healthy relationship, you could buy her any present and she'd be delighted with it, because it came from you.

You could have bought a cardigan the wrong colour, the wrong size, in a still she never wears and she'd tell you it was lovely, and tell all her mates how shudup bought her a lovely cardigan, bit small but shudup has such a busy job and it's just delightful she remembers every birthday!

The presents are just a symbol of how she hasn't been that mum to you, and seeing the referral has probably brought up how even what seemed like one of your more low key exchanges with your mum, was actually also abusive.

I really help your therapy works for you

Well she can moan and badmouth me all she wants in future as I'm not spending another cent on her! The woman has cost me my life, my career and a lot more besides. I owe her nothing.

I suggest that your gifts to your mother are passive aggressive and your way of getting back at her