Are my presents crap or is my DM purposefully not using them?

[shudup]

Don't ask me why this is bothering me this morning - for that alone I'm probably being unreasonable.

This year for Christmas I got her a grey linen waterfall sort of cardigan thingy - it was quite expensive. I've asked several times whether she has worn it yet and her response is always 'Oh I haven't been anywhere yet'. On one occasion though she did mention 'Your dsis got me a lovely white shirt' Almost as if to say that my present was worth less to her than my thoughtful present. She is overweight and I thought it would be flattering.

Last year I got her a tens machine as she suffers badly from pains in her hips and eats Nurofen like smarties. She hasn't used that either! I got it because Nurofen gobbles away at your insides, and figured something that's not going through your system would be healthier.

To me they're thoughtful gifts, but they just seem to get thrown in the top of the wardrobe as 'shudup's presents'. No matter what I buy, there's no gratitude - just a perfunctory 'thank you' when asked whether she got something (we live in different countries).

Her birthday is coming up - WIBU to not get her anything?

She never appears appreciative. What's the point if it's going to waste? I'm not flush, so I'm sacrificing something for myself whenever I spend money.

I just get the feeling that because we have a very strained relationship (she was and still is abusive to me), that she is purposely not using them - because they came from me.

AIBU?

My ex re-gifted son’s present back to him! Parents must be difficult to buy for, not that I have living parents, but I imagine it is. I’ve tried to do more sustainable gifts with adult children. As they are also tricky to buy for. Went target shooting this year, they loved it. Is there an activity your mother may fancy trying? Or a good old afternoon tea in a nice venue?

Um just bung her some money in a card or just send her a card and put the money in her bank. Don't bother with expensive presents . If she moans just say you did not know what to get her and she seemed not to like the presents you've got her before so she can now buy what she wants .
Simple and to the point. It might he that your tastes are not aligned and she is trying not to hurt your feelings.

If she was abusive I would get her the most boring "everyone would like this " presents or just a card , even if I gave at all
.. sometimes we have to step away fro our old patterns in order to free ourselves and heal , else we will repeat them forever x

Why are you in an abusive relationship with her?

Honestly, @shudup - it sounds like the wrong person is therapy.

Have you tried a gift card from somewhere she shops from this would let her choose herself?

Those are gifts to improve her. That's the subtext I'd read if I got them. What are her likes & dislikes. Get her something you know she has a thing for. Clothes is risky, people have such different taste.

You think that's bad I always ask my mum what's she wants years ago she said she wanted a gold locket spent alot on it her words when she opened it were I wanted one with a longer chain got her a candle she gave it away to my sister got her a lovely handbag never used it electric toothbrush the same I'm totally done and getting her fuck all this year.

If you can't go NC don't get her anything. Focus on you and getting yourself well, prepare yourself for the time you will be able to go NC. I walked away from my evil mother four years ago. I've only just finally been diagnosed with Complex PTSD and starting to get the help I've needed for far too long. Walking away from her was the best, but also one of the hardest things I've ever done and she still haunts my dreams. I will never see her again and now the power is all mine.
Stay strong OP and don't waste precious time or money on someone who makes you feel like shit.

I can understand totally on how you feel.if you got her nothing you will be judged vocally and when you do get a thoughtful present you are judged silently. How about a voucher for a shop she uses ?

OP your only mistake was to post in AIBU, most people don’t bother their holes to read or highlight OPs replies, so just type drivel.

Go to the Stately Homes threads, for people burdened with abusers from ‘parents’. Don’t give you scum, violent abuser ‘parent’ anything ever again, no gifts, no attention, she’s scum, continue to try to recover from her abuse, do CBT, grey rock the abuser if you have to have any contact with the scum, free yourself of her.

people who aren’t bothering to read the thread- this is not a gift suggestion thread, it’s about a child abuser. If you have zero life experience of having an abuser as a ‘parent’, your thoughts are not relevant

Your thoughtfulness still matters whether it is appreciated or not. The failure is not with you. I wish you happiness 💐

Bit cold for a linen cardigan at the moment?

@clarehhh do you have reading comprehension issues, or was your pointless comment just so important that you just couldn’t be arsed to at least look at a few posts?

I read it all but was just commenting she may in fact like the cardigan but too cold at the moment

Ask her what she wants and then get it. So much money and time is wasted on unwanted gifts. Here are some stats. Clothes are top of the list for unwanted gifts.

www.finder.com/uk/unwanted-gifts

I have a similar mother, personally I'd just send her a card with a tenner in it and explain "as you haven't used either of your previous presents I figured money would be better" and leave it at that xxx

I agree with the posters who say that your gifts were an effort to improve her.

Not everyone wants to be improved!

For the people who do, they have to be ready for it. Perhaps she's not open to the idea of a tens machine as she has her solution in the ibuprofen.

Ask her what she wants and then get it.

Abusive people STILL wouldn’t use/like/be grateful for a gift

They know the joy in gifts is the giving. By denying you that they are hurting you again

You all know that Nigella’s ex apparently would never eat her food? Would insist on kiddie style dinners like fish fingers etc...

That’s the kind of mentality op is dealing with, someone who would refuse to allow you to do something you’re good at/have put lots of thought into as a way to bring you down.

@Electrical - those of us fortunate enough not to be experienced in abusive situations would naturally read this as being a thread about presents. The headline is just that.

OP - apologies if my earlier comment was insensitive or missed the point, I hope you can find a way through your difficult situation.

I can't stand it when people police my use of gifts bought for me. Buy something you think she'd like and give it and then its hers to do with as she pleases - she might wear it every day, she might wear it now and then, she might sell it or give it away - it doesn't matter, once given its not yours. give it and forget it.

I'd probably get her a box of chocolates or a plant or a bottle of wine/gin (or whatever she likes if she likes a tipple). Nothing particularly expensive, then I'd not be arsed if she didn't use it